Home › Forums › Shidduchim › chosson gifts
- This topic has 93 replies, 29 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 3 months ago by aries2756.
February 8, 2011 6:39 pm at 6:39 pm #594875kndermorahMember
What are some gift ideas for a kallah/her parents to give to the chosson? (besides a watch and shas)February 8, 2011 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #744373dunnoMember
Menorah, cufflinks, tallis, kittel…February 8, 2011 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #744374
Whatever you buy make sure first that he would want it. For example, dont buy cufflinks if you dont know if he wears cufflink shirts…February 8, 2011 7:48 pm at 7:48 pm #744375
(besides a watch and shas)
Are you looking for something *in addition to* a watch/shas or *instead of* a watch/shas?
And what price range were you looking at?
The WolfFebruary 8, 2011 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm #744376dunnoMember
Right. I forgot to put in that disclaimer.February 8, 2011 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #744377bptParticipant
A nice pen / pencil set. I got a matte black cross set, and use it all the time.
And on the topic of watches, strongly consider getting a nice steel or leather model, as the gold ones rarely get worn.
Not sure what your budget is, but a nice Movado would be a good place to startFebruary 8, 2011 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #744378
(I posted it before I saw your post)February 8, 2011 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #744379AinOhdMilvadoParticipant
Never thought I would agree with “real-brisker”, but this is a really revolutionary thought…
Once you have an idea of what you are prepared to spend, ASK THE CHASAN what he would like in that price range.
Don’t just get some “standard” gift to be “yotzai”.
Maybe he doesn’t wear or want a watch.
Maybe he doesn’t wear or want cufflinks.
Maybe he already has a nice Shas.
And… If he comes back to you with something that’s not up YOUR alley, SO WHAT, the gift is for HIM, – NOT YOU!
It’s an easy way to score points with your new, soon-to-be son-in-law (and make him more amenable to coming to you for Shabbases and Yom Tovim! 😉February 8, 2011 8:35 pm at 8:35 pm #744380ItsJustMyOpinionMember
I got a silver becher with my name engraved on the plate. I still use it after 18 years. A silver esrog box (you might want to wait till sukkos)February 8, 2011 8:46 pm at 8:46 pm #744381yogiboobooMember
*oh and my husband didnt get his shas till way after we were married*February 8, 2011 9:58 pm at 9:58 pm #744382
AOM – Sorry I turned you downFebruary 8, 2011 10:30 pm at 10:30 pm #744383smartcookieMember
BPT- there’s a Minhag to give the Chosson a gold watch as a reminder that “time is Gold!”February 8, 2011 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm #744384smartcookieMember
I gave a leather and silver Shabbos Zmiros when I ran out of the typical ideas!
You can also give a nice key holder.February 9, 2011 12:25 am at 12:25 am #744385doodle jumpParticipant
If he lains, how about a silver yad? For one of our anniversaries, I bought a nice glass tray and purchased a becher, a gorgeous havdalah candle and besamin and also bought one of those leather bound Havdalah brachos. I wrapped it all with cellophane and a huge bow. My husband loved it.February 9, 2011 1:48 am at 1:48 am #744386mosheroseMember
Why do you want to change the minhag and not give a watch or shas?February 9, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #744387happiestMember
What do you do if you can’t afford the shas?February 9, 2011 1:56 am at 1:56 am #744388mosheroseMember
“What do you do if you can’t afford the shas? “
Get a cheaper shas. If you cant afford any then you probably shouldnt give a gift anyway as you probably need the money to pay for food or bills.February 9, 2011 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #744389boredstiffParticipant
My friend got her Chossen a tie!February 13, 2011 8:37 pm at 8:37 pm #744390
My question is: What gifts are a choson and kallah entitled toFebruary 13, 2011 8:50 pm at 8:50 pm #744391doodle jumpParticipant
They are not ENTITLED to anything. A ring for her and a watch for him, if he wants to. There is an Inyan to give a watch for the chosson. Besides for that, nothing else is a must.February 13, 2011 9:07 pm at 9:07 pm #744392randomoneMember
people should not feel obligated to give more than they could afford. it is however nice to give a chosson a watch and cufflinks if he is interested. also you can go out to let him pick out tallis bags, kittel , atara if he wants since those things are not that much money anyhow and it will give the chosson a feeling that his future inlaws are kind giving people.February 13, 2011 9:17 pm at 9:17 pm #744393
Doodle jump, would you say that if your child received no gifts, please be honestFebruary 13, 2011 10:53 pm at 10:53 pm #744394truth be toldMember
randomone: Well saidFebruary 13, 2011 11:01 pm at 11:01 pm #744395
My question is: What gifts are a choson and kallah entitled to
Nothing. If you’re entitled to it, then it’s not a gift.
That being said, other than the ring for kiddushin, no one is entitled to *anything*. Yes, it may be nice to give gifts, but they cannot be afforded, they should be limited or dispensed with entirely.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:06 pm at 11:06 pm #744396
What should a choson do if kalah gets everything and his inlaws dont want to give him anythingFebruary 13, 2011 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #744397
What if money has nothing to do with the reason that they are not giving. Before you answer what would you do if it was your child, would u just sit back and do nothingFebruary 13, 2011 11:08 pm at 11:08 pm #744398600 Kilo BearMember
a shotgun to keep his new wife in line
(from Your Guide to Sharia Weddings – Ismail Daoud al-Beyda and Moussa Dib al-Bek)February 13, 2011 11:09 pm at 11:09 pm #744399
What should a choson do if kalah gets everything and his inlaws dont want to give him anything
Forget it. Assuming his in-laws won’t budge at all, is it worth it to not marry the girl because you won’t get a watch and a shas. Is that all a marriage is worth? Are you marrying the girl or the gifts you’re going to receive from her parents?
What if money has nothing to do with the reason that they are not giving. Before you answer what would you do if it was your child, would u just sit back and do nothing
I would give my kids the same advice I just gave above. Again, are you marrying the girl or the gifts you hope to receive?
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:10 pm at 11:10 pm #744400shlishiMember
he should immediately break off the shidduch and look for a richer kallah.February 13, 2011 11:12 pm at 11:12 pm #744401popa_bar_abbaParticipant
(from Your Guide to Sharia Weddings – Ismail Daoud al-Beyda and Moussa Dib al-Bek)
Was that edited by Abdul Mashtin Al-Kir?February 13, 2011 11:13 pm at 11:13 pm #744402
The point is not gifts but the fact that sometimes you are to made to feel not loved or wanted. Arent there halochos regarding gifts to choson and kallahFebruary 13, 2011 11:16 pm at 11:16 pm #744403
The point is not gifts but the fact that sometimes you are to made to feel not loved or wanted.
While it would be nice to feel wanted by your future in-laws, the important thing to remember is if you’re future wife wants you. That’s the ikkar — everything else is superfluous. If she wants you and you want her, the rest doesn’t matter.
Arent there halochos regarding gifts to choson and kallah
No, there are not*. Some communities may have some customs surrounding this, but none of them are binding in the sense that the couple cannot get married without them.
* The ring for kiddushin is an exception to this, obviously.February 13, 2011 11:22 pm at 11:22 pm #744404
Wolfish musings please look at the rema evan haezer siman 45:1 there are halachos regarding gifts, you just dont like it because you are probably modern orthodoxFebruary 13, 2011 11:27 pm at 11:27 pm #744406
you just dont like it because you are probably modern orthodox
I’ll look up your reference shortly, but in the meantime, I have to ask you this…
a. who said I don’t “like” anything. Why attribute to malice what you can attribute to ignorance?
b. How do you know what sect of Judaism I affiliate with. For the record, I do NOT identify as modern orthodox.
c. Your sentence could be construed to mean that the modern orthodox don’t “like” halacha. I find that characterization repugnant.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #744407
dear ywn editor, why cant you put my last comment in. Obviously i am nogeia bedavar and i feel bad that i am getting no gifts whatsoever.
You’re kidding, right?February 13, 2011 11:30 pm at 11:30 pm #744408
please look at the rema evan haezer siman 45:1
OK, I looked at the Rema. He discusses whether, if gifts were sent, under what circumstances we may have to be wary that a bona fide kiddushin took place. He does not say that there MUST be gifts.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:31 pm at 11:31 pm #744409
i feel bad that i am getting no gifts whatsoever.
Are the gifts you’re “supposed to” receive more important than the marriage itself? Are they worth fighting over, possibly alienating yourself from your future kallah?
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:32 pm at 11:32 pm #744411
i’m serious i am a chosson and im getting no gifts at all.February 13, 2011 11:32 pm at 11:32 pm #744412
why would i kid about such a thing it is very painful to meFebruary 13, 2011 11:40 pm at 11:40 pm #744413
i’m serious i am a chosson and im getting no gifts at all.
Then your choices are very clear — what’s more important to you — the gifts or the girl?
If the gifts are more important to you, then by all means break off the engagement. If the girl is more important to you, then ask yourself whether it’s worth the shas and watch to begin a family war that will likely last for years. IMHO, it’s NEVER worth it.
You’re already getting the most important thing in the world — your future wife. Anything else besides that should be viewed as gravy — nice if you get it, but still fine even if you don’t.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:42 pm at 11:42 pm #744414
can anyone help me out in the gift department pleaseFebruary 13, 2011 11:43 pm at 11:43 pm #744415
all im asking for is a watch am i being too greedyFebruary 13, 2011 11:44 pm at 11:44 pm #744416
can anyone help me out in the gift department please
What, exactly, are you looking for? Someone to find a way to force your future in-laws to give you gifts?
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:46 pm at 11:46 pm #744417
all im asking for is a watch am i being too greedy
Take the advice of a long-married person… don’t fight for the watch. It’s just not worth it. The potential loss is far-greater than the possible gain.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:46 pm at 11:46 pm #744418shlishiMember
wolfishmusings is giving you the best advice you can receive.February 13, 2011 11:49 pm at 11:49 pm #744419
what about mesameich choson vkallah, im just asking for a watch which is the minimum a choson usually gets. just remember what goes around comes around maybe this will happen to your kid, what would you say.February 13, 2011 11:52 pm at 11:52 pm #744420
You yourself said earlier that the gifts aren’t what’s important but rather that you feel loved/wanted.
Let me ask you… if you find some way to “force” your in-laws to give you a watch, will that make you feel more loved or wanted? I don’t think so. IOW, even if you get your watch, you’re not going to get what you’re *really* after. So why potentially jeopardize your marriage over it?
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:54 pm at 11:54 pm #744421
what about mesameich choson vkallah, im just asking for a watch which is the minimum a choson usually gets.
There is NO mitzvah to be m’sameiach a chosson with a watch.
just remember what goes around comes around maybe this will happen to your kid, what would you say.
First of all, I understand you’re upset, so I’ll forgive you for the implied curse. But that being said, I’m giving you the VERY SAME advice I would give to my kids in the same situation… focus on the girl and not on the gifts.
The WolfFebruary 13, 2011 11:56 pm at 11:56 pm #744422
im just asking for a watch which is the minimum a choson usually gets.
My in-laws are not rich. They did not get me a watch or a shas or anything else major as a wedding gift. They bought me a tallis. My kallah bought me a watch from her own money. That was it.
But you know what… even if they flatly refused to get me anything, I wouldn’t have cared… because I was already getting their daughter which was more important to me than anything else they could possibly provide.
IMHO, if you can’t see that, and if you think starting a family war that can jeopardize your marriage is worth a lousy watch, then perhaps you’re not mature enough to be getting married.
The WolfFebruary 14, 2011 12:00 am at 12:00 am #744423
my question is that why should the inlaws put up such a fight if it means so much to the choson. I dont understand. I understand if somone doesnt have the money but this is not the case here would u like to come to my chasuna
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