Coming home late from work

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  • #1120398

    What boggles my mind is why people here are planting suspicion into this aishes chayil’s head. I really don’t know any proper way to express my reaction to you, you home wreckers. You are responsible for creating a serious problem that probably does not exist.

    — Squeak

    Does the post of the year award still exist? If yes, i nominate this post.

    WellInformedYid,

    Are you out of your mind? Trying so hard to convince a woman that her husband does not have a valid reason to be at work so late is your idea of hava’as shalom bain ish le’ishto? How in the world do you know that he won’t get fired if he complains? Being that he is there and you are not I would think he knows better than you. And to plant suspicions in her heart when no such suspicions existed previously – telling her to call him on his landline to make sure he really is there??? B”H it seems their marriage is great and your homewrecking attempt failed. I really hope you never try that again though.

    jobless,

    I feel your pain. It must be terribly lonely. However on the flip side I know someone who was in a similar situation and did the opposite of your husband – he came home at a decent hour and didn’t worry about the consequences. He was fired and their finances have been rocky for years. As hard as it is to have him come home so late, please keep in mind that not having money for groceries is not much fun either. Hopefully soon he will move up and not feel the pressure to work such long hours. Meanwhile, as hard as it certainly must be, please thank him genuinely for doing what it takes to keep you financially secure and encourage him. I’m sure he wishes he could spend more time with you too – men just don’t always know how to say it. 🙂

    #1120399

    squeak
    Participant

    Thank you charlie brown. I’m glad you can tell when I’m being serious, too.

    #1120400

    theprof1
    Participant

    Wow really great comments. I was in accounting and I became a partner in the firm. And burnt out quickly. I hate accounting. Boy am I ever glad I got out of that. Yes I’m lucky BH. Its not easy at all to leave a good paying job, especially now. So all you people telling her to talk to her husband about his job, get a life and be real. The man has a job, a good one. That’s the accounting business. And the lawyer business and doctor.

    #1120401

    apushatayid
    Participant

    There are limits to everything. Dedication to a job is wonderful, but most (I’m sure someone knows an exception) people realize that their employees are human beings and if your husband told his supervisor at 1am that he would pick it up in the morning, he would likely understand. A billable hour is billed at the same rate if it is 11pm or 7am. Of course the perception of everyone staying until 2am is what may be unnerving your husband and he feels obligated in that sense to be in the office as long as others are doing the same. This may be especially true if they are there late into friday night and come in shabbos day, and your husband is not there.

    #1120402

    WIY
    Member

    charlie brown

    From her repeated posts it seemed like maybe something was up with the marriage how was I supposed to know otherwise. If there was something wrong, at least I have the guts to tell someone that hey you should open your eyes. Baruch Hashem I was wrong. But Im not going to lie to someone and say no I think its perfectly normal that blah blah blah is going on in your life if I am being asked.

    You shouldn’t know of what husbands are up to Lo Aleinu. There was a recent article on YWN about illegal gambling parlors and there are men that are there late at night. You dont think they tell the wife “Honey Im at work?” Or some other b.s.?

    #1120403

    WIY
    Member

    jobless

    Im glad to hear that BH you have no marriage issues. I misunderstood your earlier posts and was not trying to make you suspicious of your husband Chas Vshalom. Its just sad that there are many husbands that hoodwink their wives and pretend that things are ok and normal. I have no mercy for such people.

    #1120404

    aries2756
    Participant

    I would hope that if it is 4AM and he isn’t home that he fell asleep at his desk or he had the common sense to stretch out on the couch instead of get behind the wheel of his car when he was too tired to drive, or take public transportation when it is too dangerous to be alone on the streets. Maybe HE is using some common sense and others should do the same.

    #1120406

    jobless
    Member

    Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement. Good news – my husband said he thinks it’s feasible for him to leave at 12 tonight! Now that’s an improvement…

    #1120407

    deiyezooger
    Member

    No marriage issues? Of course not, comming home at 1:00am when spouse is in dreamland.

    #1120408

    esss
    Member

    jobless- wow tonight must be early night- my husband got home at 11! but then he had to finish working at home.

    #1120409

    jobless
    Member

    hi esss. not as early as i thought/hoped… he’s still finishing up. thanks for all the moral support though. i wonder if we know each other or if our husband’s know each other…

    #1120410

    jobless
    Member

    deiyezooger: I am never (at least almost never) sleeping when my husband comes home. First of all, I like to seee him at the end of a long day. Secondly, when he’s driving home this late at night, we talk on the phone (bluetooth) so he shouldn’t fall asleep behind the wheel. In any case, your comment was irrelevent.

    BTW, it really irks me when people make remarks that put marriage relationships in a bad light. Shalom Bayis is not dependent upon how often you see your spouse, but how much you work at it. I’ll try to start another thread on that…

    #1120411

    Thank you charlie brown. I’m glad you can tell when I’m being serious, too.

    –Squeak

    Squeak, I’m sorry if I offended you when i said I come here for your humor. I very much appreciate your serious posts too and more often than not I agree with you. I just meant that in humor you are in a league of your own. Noone can imitate the sharp one liners that you come up with.

    As a reward for the compliment can u please say what the wagon is? 🙂


    From her repeated posts it seemed like maybe something was up with the marriage how was I supposed to know otherwise. If there was something wrong, at least I have the guts to tell someone that hey you should open your eyes. Baruch Hashem I was wrong. But Im not going to lie to someone and say no I think its perfectly normal that blah blah blah is going on in your life if I am being asked.

    You shouldn’t know of what husbands are up to Lo Aleinu. There was a recent article on YWN about illegal gambling parlors and there are men that are there late at night. You dont think they tell the wife “Honey Im at work?” Or some other b.s.?

    –WellInformedYid

    I’m sorry of I came across too harsh – it’s obvious that you meant well but it is important that you be aware of the possible consequences of what you say.

    I am not too naive to think that nobody does things they shouldn’t do and then tell their wife that they are at work. However for each idiot that does that there are many times as many people who work hard to support their families and don’t do anything like that. I don’t know if its .01% or 5% who go to gambling parlors and say that they’re at work but its certainly nowhere near a majority.

    If you knew for certain that someone’s husband was at a gambling parlor then indeed he deserves no mercy – I agree with you on that. But even then I’m not so sure that you should go tell the wife – before wrecking a home I would definitely ask a rav.

    But being that you didn’t know that jobless’ husband is not at work – you yourself said that you thought maybe there’s a problem but how could you know otherwise – you have no right to assume he is part of the small minority and not part of the vast majority? Thats what being dan lekaf zchus is all about. And if a husband is completely innocent and you plant doubt in his wife’s mind (which B”H didn’t occur in this case) – you can create real actual shalom bayis issues. The wife will be constantly what-iffing and the husband will resent being suspected.

    The same goes for your assuming that working till 4 AM is not normal and that he should be talking to his boss and insisting on coming home earlier. You don’t know that and neither do I. Others have posted here that it is normal for accountants to work such long hours. And you and I don’t know his boss’ temperament and the office politics there. How can we decide that he won’t get fired if he insists on coming home earlier? We can’t. But to cause his wife not to trust him can again cause real issues.

    The bottom line is NEVER cause someone not to trust their spouse unless you are really 100% certain that there is a problem and you ask a rav. Again, please don’t take this personally. I realize that you meant well.

    Now can I please go back to being a lurker? 🙂

    #1120412

    apushatayid
    Participant

    “instead of get behind the wheel of his car when he was too tired to drive,”

    The people I know who work in these types of positions, normally have a car service at company expense (billed to the client, somehow, of course) take them home.

    #1120413

    aries2756
    Participant

    aYid, even with that you can’t assume that there are car services that work 24 hours in all parts of the country. It just isn’t so.

    #1120414

    squeak
    Participant

    charlie-

    You’re sorry?! I’m offended that you apologized. But I see you haven’t lost your touch as the official CR ego booster 🙂

    As far as the wagon goes, I’m kind of enjoying how much of a mystery its become. Funny, because I didn’t intend it to be. However, I found out a tidbit about the wagon that makes me think I might see it again tomorrow. I’ll let everyone know….

    #1120415

    WIY
    Member

    charlie brown

    You have what to say you shouldnt be a lurker. I appreciate your perspective.

    #1120416

    esss
    Member

    jobless- ye, i was thinking it would be pretty funny if our husbands work at the same firm. Or for all we know we live on the same block and could keep each other company on those looong nights. But I guess there’s no way to find that out 🙁

    #1120417

    esss
    Member

    and btw jobless, when I was excited that he came home at 11 that night, he ended up staying up working at home until 2! Is your husband able to work from home?

    #1120418

    jobless
    Member

    uh… we don’t live on the same block. nobody on my block has any kids under age 13. which would somewhat explain my loneliness. but we’re moving soon so hopefully it will get better…

    #1120419

    jobless
    Member

    and esss – if you want, you could contact the mods for my e-mail info and we could keep in touch that way. although I tried that once and nobody responded… but you could try!

    #1120420

    esss
    Member

    oh really? I didn’t know you could do that… just curious- where you moving to? I don’t mean a sepcific block… what area?

    #1120421

    metrodriver
    Member

    WellinformedYid; (To; Charlie Brown) If there is an issue of trust between the stay-at-home spouse and the “Stay-late-at-work” spouse, the proof will be in the (size of the)paycheck. Someone “working Late” who brings home a small paycheck at the end of the Month, surely raises suspicion as to the kind of “Work” he has been engaged in.

    #1120422

    jobless
    Member

    esss: I live in Monsey. Moving to another area in Monsey. Does that help?

    Sometimes, my husband can work from home, but not always…

    #1120423

    esss
    Member

    lol that’s funny… we are actually currently looking at houses in monsey. we are looking into a certain area with young couples…

    #1120424

    charlie-

    You’re sorry?! I’m offended that you apologized. But I see you haven’t lost your touch as the official CR ego booster 🙂

    — Squeak


    charlie brown

    You have what to say you shouldnt be a lurker. I appreciate your perspective.

    –WellInformedYid

    squeak, I apologize for offending you by apologizing. 🙂

    as far as being the official CR ego booster, WellInformedYid did a great job with the above post. Thanks for the ego boost, WIY!

    jobless,

    Monsey is huge! I assumed you live in some hick town with no other jews! I hope you find some new friends in the new neighborhood.

    </commenting><lurking>

    #1120425

    Hashemisreading
    Participant

    My chavrusa has this new thing that he likes to learn extra after maariv. So instead of our usual seder which brought us home at about 1l:30, he decided to learn extra and now only leaves shul at 12:30, 1:00. is this normal??

    I know this thread was about working, but does it work the same way with learning?

    #1120426

    Joseph
    Participant

    Torah is der beste sechora.

    #1120427

    MsPrincess
    Member

    for some yes if their that BUSY and for the ones lazy and want a normal life like me no.

    #1120428

    mag868
    Participant

    Hey, after reading this thread I was just wondering, do engineers, societally computer engineers, have to deal with the same crazy hours???? Because I’m an engineering student and now I’m getting a little scared

    #1120429

    mag868
    Participant

    P.S. I know that this thread started 5 years ago but I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to ask… Thank you

    #1120430

    Joseph
    Participant

    Engineers that you ask about are not notorious for having outrageous hours.

    #1120431

    mag868
    Participant

    Thanks… Any other info anybody?

    ***in my first post, “societally” was supposed to be “specifically”. Thank you swipe keyboard****

    #1120432

    MsPrincess
    Member

    yes engineers are not usually the people who have the issues with bad hours.

    #1120433

    appdev
    Participant

    mag868: I’m a software engineer.

    I used to work at a start-up. Was putting in 60+ hrs each week (this was during the summer so Shabbos was late). I quit that job (for a number of reasons) and went to work at a large company. Now I work a standard 40 hr week.

    As a software engineer your hours will be determined by the team you work with. Make sure to clarify this during the interview process.

    #1120434

    MsPrincess
    Member

    yep very cool. know many of those software engineers. thats why i chose what i chose its not as popular in my crowd.

    #1120435

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Choosing based on what others are doing is silly. Choose what you want and let them make their decisions based on yours.

    #1120436

    MsPrincess
    Member

    i love science so i chose the med field.

    #1120437

    Little Froggie
    Participant

    No,no!!! Don’t become a software engineer (whatever that means, probably someone that change the light bulbs in the programmmers’ lounge). You’ll end up giving up a 3:00am!!

    #1120438

    MsPrincess
    Member

    no thats not what it means its a very hard cool job just not for me and i know many people who went to school and work as that. Software engineering is the study and an application of engineering to the design, development and maintenance of software. engineers are good at math and many are good at science as well.

    #1120439

    appdev
    Participant

    Princess, don’t feed the frogs…

    #1120440

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Lightbulbs are a hardware issue.

    #1120441

    MsPrincess
    Member

    appdev – dont get it?

    #1120442

    appdev
    Participant

    MissP – his name… Froggie…

    Clearly hes just trolling. Comp sci is the highest paying field out of college and growing rapidly (especially in the mobile environment).

    Let froggie croak while we rake it in 😀

    #1120443

    MsPrincess
    Member

    appdev – i know that. i have a number of sisters in that field and know a bunch of others who are in that field.

    #1120444

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Froggie doesn’t troll. If it seems trollish, you’re reading it wrong.

    #1120445

    its normal

    #1239013

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Huh? Why does it say there was a reply 17 hours ago when the last post is from over a year ago? And there’s nothing awaiting moderation?

    #1239064

    Because there was a spam post.

    #1239068

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    oh, thanks. seems there have been a lot of those lately. Wonder how you recognize them, and how they get in.

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