August 31, 2011 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #599046
I’m having trouble lately feeling good as I’m regularly comparing myself (and my life) to others. I try not to do this, but it’s very hard for me when I bump into people that I know. It makes me want to move to an island, so I can be satisfied with my lot and not compare myself. Does anyone else have trouble with this? How do you overcome this and learn to accept what you have, happily?August 31, 2011 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #804536TomcheMember
What aspects are you comparing yourself to them? Wealth?August 31, 2011 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #804537
Everything. Where do I begin?
I look at my life and I realize I’m having trouble in each and every area. I had a sibling die, a parent become seriously ill, I married someone who doesn’t treat me well, isn’t frum the way I want, has parnasah issues, I had fertility issues, then I had (b”h) a child who now has academic issues, social issues, behavioral issues, and now I’m having issues having more children because my husband isn’t attracted to me.
So, I look at friends and see they’re building their families, having children, buying homes, their kids don’t have any major issues. I find myself pulling away from people to not expose myself to this pain of comparing myself. I feel like I’m being tested in every area of my life, or I don’t merit any divine assistance. How else can I interpret everything that’s happening to me (maybe that’s my real question)?August 31, 2011 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #804538TomcheMember
It’s all an illusion. The grass is greener on the other side? You don’t know anyone else’s pekele.August 31, 2011 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #804539aries2756Participant
momma, no one knows what is going on behind closed doors. When someone sees you they don’t know the truth either. People learn to become excellent actors so please don’t compare yourself to others. No one really knows the truth and what anyone else’s pekel really is. Please try to remember that. One person might be battling a serious illness in the family, one might be having in-law problems, or a learning disability in the family. On the outside everyone else’s life always looks fabulous and the grass always looks greener on the other side.
Please find yourself a support system that can offer you the kind of support you need, or come here and ask us. We will always be here for you and will be available to you any time of day or night. You are carrying a very heavy burden and it is not easy dealing with such a sick individual. I am very happy that you are NOT allowing yourself to be his victim but you are taking a survivors stance and choosing to survive anything he “throws” at you 🙂 for the sake of the kids. Please make sure you are safe and I hope that you are putting emergency money aside for yourself in case there comes a time when you have to make a run for it.August 31, 2011 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #804540cshapiroMember
ever read garden of emunah?August 31, 2011 7:19 pm at 7:19 pm #804541
I think one of the issues that I’m having is trying to understand why everything is so hard for me in every area. I feel like a drowning person who can only gasp for air before the next tidal wave washes over me, threatening to overcome me.August 31, 2011 7:23 pm at 7:23 pm #804542aries2756Participant
Momma, sometimes when you help others Hashem shines brocha on you. Maybe you can stop focusing on everything that is wrong and start doing whatever is right for you. B”H you have a child. What do YOU need to do for yourself to be Happy. HOW do YOU need to be respected? Think about that and don’t accept unacceptable behavior. Do you want to lose weight? Will that make you happy? If the answer is YES, then do it for yourself and not for your husband. Are you staying heavy to get even with your husband because you are angry at him or do you really not care about yourself and your health? Separate your feelings from your husband’s feelings. Lets put him to the side. Who are YOU and what do YOU want for yourself?
You have been terribly hurt and you carry a lot of baggage and a lot of pain. Are you willing to let go of it? The more you relive the baggage and the past the more you relive the pain. So where do you want to go from here? Do you want to stay trapped in that cycle or do you want to make better choices for yourself? Are YOU important? Do you realize that YOU ARE important? Do you realize that YOU COUNT? Do you realize that YOU ARE ENTITLED and YOU DO DESERVE to be happy and have a good life?
If you are prepared to love yourself and accept the fact that you count, are entitled to a better life and deserve to be happy then there are things you can do to achieve that. Hashem will send you the shelichim to help you. But if you want to sit in your misery and just accept your lot in life and do nothing about it Hashem is not going to do much. Hashem helps those who help themselves. Comparing yourself to others and wishing you had their life will not help you. Comparing yourself to others and saying to yourself “I deserve to be happy just like all those other people, will help you change things.”
So Momma how can I help you, what kind of support do you need?August 31, 2011 7:26 pm at 7:26 pm #804543
I did not read garden of emunah. Does it say anything about how to view life in the context of regular onslaught of challenges?August 31, 2011 8:36 pm at 8:36 pm #804544kol daveedMember
Please stop for a second and realize who you are. You are a beautiful bas Melech, daughter of the King, HaKadosh Baruch Hu. The Ribono Shel Olam chose you, specifically you, and placed you into this world. He is orchestrating every moment and every aspect of your life, constantly, to achieve the goal that only you can achieve. Everything experience that you’ve had – joy and heartbreak -all of it is from Hashem. And trust me, when you rejoice, Hashem rejoices with you, and when you cry, Hashem is crying with you. The important distinction to make is that when you cry, HaKadosh Baruch Hu gazes at you and says “My beautiful, sweet, pure daughter. My beloved. You mean everything in the world to Me. I created all of this for you, each individual grain of sand, each leaf upon the tree, each stone and each star, it was all for you. Right now I know how much it hurts you and I know it’s difficult, but trust Me, this is what’s best for you. Through these challenges – and I know they’re difficult and I know they’re many – you will grow as you need to and this is why I put you here.”
This knowledge is absolutely fundamental. What happens to us in our lives, all of it, comes from Hashem. We say every day in morning berachos “Baruch Atah H’ Elokaynu Melech Ha’olam sh’Asah li kol tzarki.” What’s the simple meaning? Hashem provides our needs – food, water, shelter, etc. What’s the deeper meaning? Sh’Asah Li (that which Hashem does for me), kol (all of it – pain, hurt, sorrow, misfortune), tzarki (is my need. It is necessary for me at this very moment).
I hope this provides you with some chizuk. By all means, please reply and we can talk more.
Kol D’aveed Rachmana, l’tov aveed – All that the Mericful One does, He does it for goodAugust 31, 2011 8:59 pm at 8:59 pm #804545
We in the CR feel your deep pain.
I heard a shiur (maybe someone here may know whose) where the rav said that it’s the ??????’s modus operandi to get his victim make comparisons with another when he can’t get one to be ???? on the more typical ?????? . He will try to get you down & depressed, which may be precursors to future aveiros ch”v. Certainly it makes it more difficult to accomplish ???? ?? ?? ?????.
“a child who now has academic issues, social issues, behavioral issues”
This may be related to the fact that your child lives with abuse, so this may be tied in to your point of a difficult spouse. Many things will probably be related to it, as it says that the ????? has difficulty resting in such an atmosphere.
You have the strength of self to be reaching out, improving yourself, keeping the ?????, doing your best, etc. Remember your strengths as you meet your challenges.August 31, 2011 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #804546cshapiroMember
I think garden of emunah would greatly impact u, as I know its helped thousands of people worldwide including myself….you gotta read it to understand, its like 8 dollars on amazon.comSeptember 1, 2011 12:41 am at 12:41 am #804547
C shapiro…I’m going to look into the book… Thank you.
Am YISRAEL… The part about the Satan helps me understand a bit about what’s happening, sothanks.
Aries… I’m working on myself for the very reasons you state. I need to feel good about myself so I can feel like I don’t have to accept maltreatment. It’s just a very slow process so I get discouraged sometimes…
I think it would help to hear what others tell themselves so as not to feel bad when times are tough for a really long time.
Kol daveed… I think what’s hard for me is trying to tease out what part of this was self imposed torture (I had loads of shidduch opportunities and chose someone I knew had a past of issues). Did HKB’H make me marry him? Leah imeinu could have married esav, but she Davened for a better outcome. She chose better. I did not. So it’s hard for me to understand that HKB’H wanted THIS for me. If a person hurts themselves can they
say HKB’H wanted it??
Tomche… I know intellectually that one can never know what someone else is experiencing. I also care about my friends and wish them only well. I don’t wish them less, I only wish myself more and I can’t understand why I feel so stuck for so long. It’s disheartening.
Tomche… Thanks for responding.September 1, 2011 12:56 am at 12:56 am #804548minyan galMember
mommania, I wish that I could reach across the miles just to squeeze your hand and tell you that everything will be okay. I think that you need far more help and advice that we could or should be giving you. You need some professional help. Please start with your family doctor and get a complete medical checkup. Although you are struggling with many difficulties in your life, occasionally such feelings may be triggered by physical illness. Also speak to your doc about what is going on in your life and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Do you have any family members that you can confide in? Can you confide in your Rabbi or Rebbetzin? Just being able to talk things over with someone can often make your load a little lighter. You are dealing with some very serious issues and you cannot walk this road alone. Please seek some professional help. I am thinking about you and I can pray for you but I cannot help from such a great distance – nor am I qualified to do so.September 1, 2011 1:25 am at 1:25 am #804549kapustaParticipant
I have no idea where I heard this but it applies here.
Think of a farmer and a tailor. They are both supporting their families but in totally different ways. The farmer needs to milk the cows, and the tailor needs to sew. If the farmer gets a sewing machine it won’t be worth anything to him because he can’t use it.
Your life was specifically designed for you by the best Designer you could have asked for. He loves you more than anything and whatever you’re feeling now, He feels it even more.
(I also want to mention that the other “tops” could have also come with issues that would have come out later. You only have this part of the story.)
HatzlachaSeptember 1, 2011 2:02 pm at 2:02 pm #804551yungerman1Participant
mommamia22- We all feel your pain. We have all had times where we compare ourselves to others. Just to echo what has already been said, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. HKBH gives each person nisyonos, some all of us can see, others are private.
That said, after reading what you wrote “I feel like a drowning person who can only gasp for air before the next tidal wave washes over me, threatening to overcome me” I think you may want/need to seek help from a psychologist experienced with dealing with depression. If these feelings persist and interfere with daily life you may be clinicaly depressed.
Hatzlacha Rabbah… and remember, Hashem hears every tefilla.September 1, 2011 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #804552
Most people would be depressed given m22’s circumstances. M22’s posts reveal a kind, sensitive, intelligent soul being demeaned on a steady basis. But Y1 has a point that the possibility needs to be addressed. A domestic abuse support group is absolutely essential IMHO.
Building upon what Kapusta wrote, each person is an individual musician in Hashem’s orchestra. We need percussions, strings, etc. If we were all violins, the orchestra would have a very monotonous sound.
What would you say to the clarinet that wishes to become a violin?
Variety is the spice of life.September 1, 2011 6:09 pm at 6:09 pm #804553
Am I the only one who feels plagued by challenges?September 1, 2011 6:30 pm at 6:30 pm #804554
“Am I the only one who feels plagued by challenges?”
This may come under the heading of comparing yourself with others.
Everyone has challenges, but not everyone would use the term “plagued.” The question is: do you feel OVERWHELMED by your challenges? I know I probably would given your circumstances and I would probably go for help and support.
I hope you see that the CR really feels for you and with you based upon the responses given.September 1, 2011 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #804555
Good point (“am I the only one” being a comparison). My challenges go beyond my marriage, but I guess it’s a major contributor to the multitude of challenges I feel I face.
I think from all of this, part of what I realize is that it’s time to work on my bitachon.
I haven’t sought support yet, but I’m beginning to see that it’s time also.
Thanks for your responses.
Shana tovah 🙂
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