Creating a Shidduch Resume

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  • #618056

    A friend of mine asked me to help her write a Shidduch Resume for her, she is divorced.

    Any ideas? Any traditional frame of reference? I personally have not seen too many, and she wants something that speaks for her as a personality. Authentic, but yet oh so heimishe typical…at the same time. But also creative and cute.

    Any ideas as far as the references, the photos? The info?

    Thanks

    #1161561

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Be prepared whenever someone asks for advice for a friend here someone always assumes its for yourself.

    #1161562

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Yes, if it is for a friend, the correct way to phrase that is “my friend asked me to post a question for her friend”.

    The mods can edit your post to say that, if you want.

    #1161563

    YesOrNo
    Participant

    Maybe look at other samples to get an idea.

    #1161564

    benignuman
    Participant

    The purpose of a shidduch resume should not be anything other than providing the vital statistics. Everything else sounds self-serving and weird.

    Put together a resume that looks like a work resume. Have a short (two lines or less) Hobbies & Interests section at the bottom.

    #1161565

    How can anyone decide if they’re interested or not based solely on vital statistics? If all the girls go with that approach, the boys will end up with dozens of virtually identical resumes and will have to resort to some form of eeny meeny miney moe to choose a date.

    Runs with scissors, your friend should ask a shadchan to show her some resumes as a frame of reference. Then she should write a personal statement and work with someone who knows her well and has an eye for detail to edit it.

    As far as references, she should choose a handful of people who know her well and in different ways. For instance, a personal friend, a family friend from her parents’ generation, and a seminary teacher.

    Unfortunately, being divorced puts her at a major disadvantage. It shouldn’t be that way, but that is the reality. Hashem should guide her to find her bashert b’karov.

    #1161566

    Health
    Participant

    ARWSF -“A friend of mine asked me to help her write a Shidduch Resume for her, she is divorced.”

    Why are so many people divorced? And if you say – why are you? The answer is – it wasn’t my idea!

    For the people who was their idea, who said that the second time will be better?!?

    #1161567

    When a marriage fails, there is no reason for the partners to stay together anymore. They should divorce regardless of whether or not they can or should reasonably expect a second marriage to succeed. It’s not healthy to stay in a dead marriage. In fact, it’s actually a Torah mitzvah for a man to divorce his wife.

    Obviously, both partners should try very hard to avoid divorce. They should go to counseling and spend a lot of time communicating to work on their issues. Divorce should be a last resort. But sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and when it’s over, it should be a clean break. No one should stay in a dead marriage for the sake of being married.

    #1161568

    Abba_S
    Participant

    Basically, the resume describes the person, listing parents, sibling age, marital status, what they do, where they daven, where she davens. where she went to school, a description of the girl, and what she is looking for in a boy. It should also list a phone number to contact in order to arrange a date. The resume is past around to many shadchans looking for different people. She does not have to provide a picture but she should have one in digital form in case requested prior to the date so that you can email it. Divorce is common, hopefully there are no children. I am not a Shadchan I just have two daughters in the Parsha.

    #1161569

    Health
    Participant

    JF2 -“Obviously, both partners should try very hard to avoid divorce. They should go to counseling and spend a lot of time communicating to work on their issues. Divorce should be a last resort.”

    Your post is true, but hardly anyone listens! A lot of people think I got a raw deal and things will be better next time.

    Who says it will be better?

    #1161570

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    From my experience, there are basically two types of resumes.

    1:This is the type used by 19 year old Bais Yaakov girls.This kind just lists the vital statistics. Most of the page is covered by two things: a) a list of siblings and facts about them b) A long list of references.

    2: Most others use this type. This is for people who are not 19 years old and have something original to say about themselves, so they don’t have to fill the paper up with facts about their families.

    In this type of reference, one would have a section on what she is looking for, and a section describing herself (She could also include both in one paragraph if she wants.) She should describe herself both in terms of hashkafa and personality and explain what she is looking for in terms of hashkafa and personality. She should also write what she does. Each of these things can be written under a separate heading or all together in one paragraph (as long as it’s not too long).

    Most people also write the schools they went to (usually a separate heading, but it doesn’t have to be).

    She should list 3 or 4 references. She should think carefully about who she lists as references. Just because someone knows you well and is a good friend does not necessarily make them a good reference.

    On the top of the page, most people list their height and their birthday or age, but some people leave it out.

    #1161571

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Health – not everyone gets divorce because they think it will be better next time. I think that’s a bad reason to get divorced. I think that someone should only get divorced if he/she thinks he/she will be better off not being married to anyone than being married to their current spouse.

    I agree with JF2 that if someone is in a dead marriage, they should get divorced. On the other hand, if there are kids involved, they should think very carefully about all the consequences of getting divorced vs. the consequences of staying in the dead marriage.

    I’m not saying that getting divorced is wrong when there are kids (in some cases, it may even be better for the kids), but just that they have to really think it through carefully. If they do decide to get divorced, they have to think carefully about the effects on their kids and how they can mitigate them. For example, it is important to make sure that boys have someone to learn with them and sit with them in shul. It is also important to make sure that none of the kids feel over-burdened and that the kids have a good support system.

    #1161572

    benignuman
    Participant

    Jewishfeminist,

    People should not be deciding whether or not they are interested based on a resume. That is ridiculously shortsighted. Resume writeups are usually canned and are almost certainly written with other people’s help and input about what is best. To get to know a person you need to go out with them.

    The resume serves the purpose of eliminating the obvious without needing to go through a lengthy calling around process. That is the only purpose it should serve.

    #1161573

    Health
    Participant

    Lu -“Health – not everyone gets divorce because they think it will be better next time. I think that’s a bad reason to get divorced. I think that someone should only get divorced if he/she thinks he/she will be better off not being married to anyone than being married to their current spouse”

    You missed my point! We live in the throw – away generation – if s/o doesn’t like their spouse they divorce.

    They should try to work it out. If all else fails, then there is the option of divorce!

    #1161574

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Some people make the opposite mistake.

    #1161575

    iacisrmma
    Participant

    Health: “If all else fails, then there is the option of divorce!?

    I am sorry but if all else fails, then divorce is the only option.

    Although you are also correct about the “throw away generation”.

    #1161576

    Mods, please don’t let the thread be hijacked.

    #1161577

    Health
    Participant

    iacisrmma -“I am sorry but if all else fails, then divorce is the only option.”

    Not always! Unfortunately there is such a thing as a recalcitrant husband!

    #1161578

    benignuman: By “interested,” I mean interested in going out on a date. You cannot decide whether or not you would like to go on a date with someone, by going on a date with them. As far as eliminating the obvious– the shadchan should be more than capable of doing that. But now you still have piles and piles of resumes, and how do you decide which girl to date first? If the resume doesn’t say anything distinctive, it’ll have to be eeny meeny miney moe.

    #1161579

    benignuman
    Participant

    jewishfeminist,

    By calling the references or other people who know the person in question. How to start calling? try first come first serve, or eeny meeny miney moe. The personal sections of the resumes carry very little meaning and can be misleading.

    #1161580

    How are the references any more meaningful? Of course they’re all going to say nice things…

    #1161581

    Mammele
    Participant

    JF: are you implying that all references are blatant liars?

    Also, nice things can be objective. For example someone can ask if the girl is to the quiet side or more vivacious, and both can be good depending on what one is looking or what trait complements his character.

    #1161582

    Not that they’re liars. Just that they will all say very similar, generic type things.

    She can write in her personal description on the resume that she’s outgoing, etc. So we’re back to the question of why is it better to spend time calling up a bunch of people to learn information that you could have spent five minutes reading on the resume. (To be clear, I don’t think that you should NOT call references– but I do think that a personal statement should be included.)

    #1161583

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    JF, it really depends on the references. There are times when the phone calls were useless, but there have also been many times when I obtained VERY useful information from the references.

    For example,I once called a very reliable and well-known reference (amongst other things the ref. is an expert in Hilchos LH). He asked me what I am looking for, and when I said I do not want someone who is controlling, he told me the guy is not for me.

    There have been other times when I asked if the guy had any psychological issues and I received honest answers (worded carefully in order to avoid LH issues).

    #1161584

    Lilmod Ulelamaid
    Participant

    Additionally, even if you get a reference who only speaks good of the person, you can often tell something by the qualities they list and the ones they omit. If you call 3 references and every single one tells you that the guy is good-looking, friendly and sweet and is always doing chesed, but no one mentions anything about his learning or intelligence, chances are that he is not a genius and is not a masmid or they would have mentioned that. If learning and/or intelligence are very important to you, that might signify that he is not for you.

    Likewise, if everyone talks about how Frum he is and how machmir he is on halacha and what a big masmid he is and no one mentions anything else, that might be a sign that he is not the warmest, most sensitive person, and w/o jumping to conclusions, you might want to look into it further. This was actually a real example that happened to me. I looked into it further and found out that that was the case and the reason for his divorce. I chose not to go out with him.

    #1161585

    References are definitely useful. I’m not advocating that people not put references on their resumes, or not call others’ references. But I don’t believe that they are a substitute for a personal statement.

    I had a journalism internship one summer, and I was assigned a story about a day school principal who was retiring. I got a lot of great quotes from the students and teachers at his school about what a great principal he was, and about all his accomplishments over the years, and how much they were all going to miss him. I spent some time writing a really thoughtful article and turned it in to my supervisor, who gently let me know that while I had done well with those quotes, I had forgotten the most important thing: to get a statement from the retiring principal himself.

    #1161586

    lilmod ulelamaid THank you! i had been working on the resume and had done as you described for “most others” Stated the unique original description about the “friend of mine”. lol

    #1161587

    ptcha
    Member

    If your “friend” is divorced, there’s no reason to keep up pretenses. Let that personality shine through. Be a little bit funny, show your interesting side. You might ([sarcasm] heaven forbid! [end sarcasm]) end up with somebody who appreciates that.

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