January 5, 2011 4:55 am at 4:55 am #593962
If you’ve been on a few dates and it’s going extremely well but you feel like really good friends but nothing beyond that, how many dates should be the cutoff? If u started off by being friends then I guess you can take your time and see if it grows on you, but in the shidduch world you can’t really do that because after a certain amount of dates it usually gets serious.
At what point should you decide to end it even if it’s going extremely well, you just don’t see it beyond friends?
Also is that a good enough excuse to just end it out of the blue when you’re really enjoying each others company and in the other person’s mind there is really no reason to end it?January 5, 2011 6:50 am at 6:50 am #725137
miamigirl613; I cant seem to understand your
“you just don’t see it beyond friends?”
Is it his looks, or hashkafah, than I agree, other than that,
the most important element in a marriage is that you get along and have enough in common to become great friends.
MG613; You say yourself, its going extremely well!
I know quite a few girls who sound like that and are still looking
b/c of that.
Please reconsider what it is you really want in life.
btw it’s not me, i’m not dating anyone from miami now. j/kJanuary 5, 2011 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #725138SacrilegeMember
The sooner the better. No use in leading anyone on.January 5, 2011 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #725139memoMember
I’d say continue dating a lot of these “issues” and the just friends can be tricky
If it’s going well continue… moving along through dates…sounds like your in the middle #s of dates?(am I right?) more like 6th date type..by then you really know each other..there’s never a right or wrong # of dates and you shouldnt feel pressured!
if something bothers you don’t continue otherwise is sounds allright
BTW get a mentor/coach/other person to discuss this out with they understand you and will guide you better!January 5, 2011 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #725140
I have never heard a guy say anything along these lines at all.January 5, 2011 3:45 pm at 3:45 pm #725141
Reply to Bein Hasidorim:
I definitely agree with you.
Btw this was a a story I heard from someone and I was really annoyed because hashkafa and looks were both good. It was just a feeling that the person had that they only seemed like really good friends. It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t know how people plan to move on with that attitude. If something is going well, keep on going. If there was something wrong then it was really minor which should not be the cause of a breakup!January 5, 2011 8:59 pm at 8:59 pm #725142oomisParticipant
By five or six dates, at most. Sometimes one knows within one or two dates that it is really not shayach. I say give everyone a second chance, unless they are truly obnoxious to you.January 5, 2011 9:18 pm at 9:18 pm #725143gavra_at_workParticipant
I would say never, as long as both sides are open that it is not getting more serious than it is.
People grow on each other, and if they spend more time together, they will like each other more.
(But that is from an old Geezer like me, you young Whippersnappers (at least some of you) may have other ideas).January 5, 2011 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #725144
I find this thread fascinating.
It seems the women are discomfited by having only a good relationship, and seeming like “only best friends”.
I think most guys would, like me, find this totally foreign. If I like her, it is in a romantic way. I have never experienced the feeling being described here, and never heard any guy say this.
Isn’t this cool?January 5, 2011 10:05 pm at 10:05 pm #725145
MG613; Thanks, that explains it. If you can, try to help those
friends see the light. The root cause for this rationalization
stems from a fear of commitment, or an unrealistic fairytale view
of what it would take to make them go “the whole nine yards”.
To confirm this, you should be seeing a repeated pattern of this
similar excuse frequently being used to end it, after a nice few
times. To help this person see this clearly, simply point out
that every potential shidduch that seems to be going well,
usually gets the same label, where they feel like really good
friends, but nothing beyond that. Even from the words “nothing
beyond that” although I doubt it’s an exact quote, seems to hint
fear of the future, or fear of opening up, using the
word “friends” as a limit and nothing beyond as a barrier or cut
off point. Hatzlacha! Helping a person with a problem in
dating, is as if you helped them find their Basherte,
for you are giving them a chance to allow the partner that’s
right for them, into their lives.January 5, 2011 10:37 pm at 10:37 pm #725146
Cool, double spaced. I didn’t read it because it made my head swim, but it is a good touch.January 5, 2011 11:03 pm at 11:03 pm #725147SJSinNYCMember
Popa, so you were that weird stalker guy I met in college?January 5, 2011 11:08 pm at 11:08 pm #725148rcParticipant
I think as long as you are both enjoying each other’s company , you keep going, If its meant to be it will develop into something more serious. If its not it will usually fall apart on its own. If there is a haskafik or physical issue, than by all means break it off asap. FOr eg. he want to learn full time and you want to marry a doctor, or he wants to live in Israel forever and you can t leave Flatbush, If there are issues you just cannot be mevater on then dont drag it along. But that “:feeling: you are looking for “comes” with time. More dates are usually the answer.January 5, 2011 11:52 pm at 11:52 pm #725149
popa_bar_abba; It’s actually not double spaced. and I did it to
spare you the headache. This is double spaced.
You probably got the headache trying to figure out if it was
single or double spaced. Please don’t overstress yourself.January 6, 2011 12:06 am at 12:06 am #725150hello99Participant
stop dating after the l’chaim.January 6, 2011 4:34 am at 4:34 am #725151
Reply to Bein Hasdorim:
And on top of all this, the shadchan was surprised herself because it came out of left field with absolutely no warning up to this point!January 6, 2011 5:01 am at 5:01 am #725152oomisParticipant
Popa, that’s why Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It is also why I say “she-Asani kirtzno” with such kavana. Men generally look at relationships so differently from women. It’s why there is such poor communication between the genders. When a guy asks a woman what’s wrong, she will usually say NOTHING, but expect him to figure it out like a mind reader. And when she says NOTHING, you can bet it’s SOMETHING. When a guy says the same thing, he usually means “nothing.”
BTW, in an ideally happy marriage, husband and wife should NEVER stop dating (each other of course). They should always have a date night no matter what, even if it is only to take a walk together for an hour.January 6, 2011 5:07 am at 5:07 am #725153bjjkidParticipant
whats the diff btwn good frnds and chossen and kallah? or am i missing s/t………you will become better frnds after you get engaged and BEST frnds after you get married,,,,,,,January 6, 2011 12:21 pm at 12:21 pm #725155yeshivaguy1Participant
Women are the only people who believe in platonic relationships. If a man like a woman he will want to get with her; there is no in between.
bjjkid, yes you probably are. Marriage is more than just being best friends. For more information speak to your parents or mentor.January 6, 2011 4:07 pm at 4:07 pm #725156bjjkidParticipant
care to explain?January 6, 2011 4:12 pm at 4:12 pm #725157yeshivaguy1Participant
As I said you really should ask your parents. This is the kind of thing that really can’t be posted on the cr. And I don’t particularly feel like educating you on the facts of life. Just one thing to leave you with (mods, cut me off if you don’t think this belongs) there is a physical aspect to the relationship as well.
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