Dating; Important Question
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- This topic has 9 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by N.G.
December 17, 2012 9:40 pm at 9:40 pm #607471RedNails19Participant
What would you say about dating a guy with a drug history? Currently clean for a few years, very stable, solid etc.
What are the risk factors?
Someone told me that her brother a top Rosh Yeshiva knew of this amazing guy in the Yeshiva and thought it would be a great shidduch for his sister, like he thought VERY highly of. He was a top boy in Beis Medrish/kollel, smart, etc- but went through a ‘phase’ a few years back and did drugs. Went to rehab became clean and was totally fine and amazing.
When he posed the question to his sister as much as she valued her brothers judgment and heard the boy was excellent- she asked they speak it over with a Top Psychologist, with many many years experience, highly intelligent, dealing with all different kind of matters such as these.
They asked him, and he replied; is she disabled? is she old? is she desperate? then no. he said 95% of the time they end up relapsing, whether it be from marital, financial, life stress they relapse. You wanna take that 5% chance?!
So how does one go about this?December 17, 2012 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #913759far eastMember
I understand why you would be hesitant to date such a guy. The statistics show that 40-60 percent of drug users relapse, its not 95% regardless of what you may have heard. Also the biggest predictor of relapse is who the addict hangs out with. If hes a person who has been out of that life for a few years already and is a top guy in yeshiva, the odds are against him relapsing. The most important thing is who he’s hanging out with and this guy sounds ok. I dont’t necessarily belive a guy with a past is a “handicap”. People like this have gone through and seen more than most people their age and that can be beneficial in some ways. Maybe you should consider going on one date and see how it goesDecember 17, 2012 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #913760AstrixParticipant
I usually dont sign on to this place anymore but once in awhile ill frequent in here and give a few words.
I went to a couple “popular yeshivas”..lots of guys in the yeshivas were in other yeshivas previously that deal with drug problem,etc and then they got back in to it.They were the greatest guys i know.So solid and very shtark.
Basically,there are a couple of things you have to find out?
1.What type of drugs he was on?
Nowadays marijauna/pot isnt considered such a big deal.I can say that i smoke pot 5 times in my life with no after effects and im fine,married,learning,it wasnt even a phase – just wanted to see what it was.I would say guys in yeshivas try these things but keep it hidden more than you would think.
If its just weed/marijuana then its really not a big deal at all.If it was pills or much heavier drugs that involve needles and cost thousands of dollars to keep the habit then it becomes much bigger.
Also did he go to rehab?
All in all,i know lots of these types of guys and they are awesome.His phase was probably in High School..high school isnt fun…it was probably just experimenting,etc.
Tell her to go out with him and eventually if they continue she could speak to him about it.I spoke to my wife when i was dating about pretty much everything i did.
and last but not least,dont believe psychologists.December 17, 2012 11:13 pm at 11:13 pm #913761Israeli ChareidiParticipant
Be careful to differentiate between “addict” and “social user”. A social user is one who falls in to the wrong crowd and uses drugs (usually marijuana or pharmaceuticals) occasionally. This person, though ‘experienced’, is not likely to crave a drug if he’s sufficiently passed it. An addict, on the other hand, is always an addict (this applies to all addictions – alcohol, drugs, ice cream, etc.). Though he may be in recovery for many years, he is still in danger of relapse.
Please be extremely careful about this.
Even if the shidduch is not for you in the end anyway, be careful not to ‘spread the word’ (even l’to’eles) that someone is an addict if he may really only be someone who made some really bad choices a few years back.
I am not a psychologist, but I do have experience with teens who are or have dabbled in these dangerous waters.December 18, 2012 1:15 am at 1:15 am #913762morahmomParticipant
Sometimes these guys end up even more shtark because of their experiences. Personally, at a kiddush, I’d rather see someone not drinking because they swore off alcohol to stay clean, rather than “Yeshiva guys” getting totally trashed.December 18, 2012 1:18 am at 1:18 am #913763RedNails19Participant
THANKS far east, Astrix, Isreali Chareidi
You guys really clarified things up.
So many great points. I’m not big on psychologists myself but i have been speaking to a few pple involved w/ teens on drugs/substance abuse and some rabbanim.
Thank you all so much!December 18, 2012 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #913764BustercrownParticipant
I think one aspect is being overlooked. Oftentimes certain drugs, even if stopped, can have a permanent effect on the user’s mind, and may manifest itself in subtle, easily overlooked ways, at first. Later on, though, one may realize, if they’re knowledgable enough, that the person suffers from personality changes,
Mood swings, etc. Be very careful.December 18, 2012 8:55 pm at 8:55 pm #913765interjectionParticipant
Although she would definitely need to do more research, (for starters find out the real reason he stopped) it is not always a reason to reject him.December 18, 2012 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #913766MorahRachMember
I would not do it. My sister in law married a boy who had a drug past, he had been in rehab but was ” all better”. They were married a few months before he relapsed and had to enter rehab again. They were divorced after 10 months. BH they did not have kids, what a disaster that would have been.December 19, 2012 12:20 am at 12:20 am #913767N.GMember
How do you REALLY know that he is clean for the past few years. Maybe he is making it up.
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