dating in family age order

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  • #599927

    yoya
    Member

    Do you think it’s fair for younger siblings to date before older siblings? Or do you think that the kids should date whenever something suitable comes up even if there is a single older sibling? I know families where there are 5 girls in the parshah and the younger ones are all waiting for the oldest. Somehow I don’t think this is right…

    #817612

    Dr. Seuss
    Member

    Within the same gender they should wait (within reason). Between opposite gender siblings, there are different customs.

    #817613

    Yes, I’m an oldest (though not old) and happy for my sibs to date before me.

    But everyone is different. Don’t be quick to judge. In fact, don’t judge at all.

    #817614

    Gadolseeker
    Member

    I am 20 and have a sister who is 22. My sister was able to date right when she felt she was ready to start dating, because the one above her was married. It is not a rule in my house that I have to wait BUT when I got home from seminary I waited. All of my friends are dating, and many of my friends are even married… but I haven’t even started dating. It’s been more than a year since I’ve been home from seminary and from an outsider’s point of view I should start dating. I mean yes 20 sounds young but let’s get real here, in the circles I’m in girls start dating at 19, sometimes 18. People think “oh you’re sister is only 22, you should go out” but, they don’t realize she’s been dating for four very long years. Her good friends are married and many have kids. It’s torture. My sister told me to start dating but I am conflicted. I want to start but when I think about it, would I really feel happy if I got engaged before she did? Even if she seemed happy for me, inside the pain would be unbareable. On the other side though, if she knew I was waiting for her,she’d feel even more pressure so, I just keep telling her I’m not ready. But I’m not a niviyah and so I don’t know when my sister will get married (it should be soon iyH) and so realistically how long should I allow myself to wait for her??? but then the same thought comes to mind that even if she chas veshalom was single when she was 27 and i was 25, would I really be happy if i got engaged before her? no. my simcha wouldnt be the same because I would feel the pain for her. So yes YOYA it’s easy to jump and say that (and it could very possibly be your in the same situation as me or you’re the older sibling in this situation), but there’s also the other side. I’ve learnt not to talk about families who have girls of shidduchim age because I realized that girls can either feel my way, or your way “yoya”. All I can say is that iyH this year should be a year that everyone who is in the parsha-no matter how old, should find their besert. May we all only have simchos.

    #817615

    kapusta
    Participant

    I don’t think theres a right or wrong answer to this question. Every family needs to make their own decision.

    *kapusta*

    #817616

    yashrus20
    Member

    There are 2 points. One-Do you want to? Two-If you do you should ask them. They prob will give you permission, but if you see hesitancy..then use your sechal. If it gets to a point where she 25 and your 22-23 then again use sechal(you do want to get married)

    #817617

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I think it’s dumb. I think you should date whenever you want and shouldn’t need anyone’s permission.

    But better to need siblings permission than parents’ permission. That is even crazier.

    #817618

    Dr. Seuss
    Member

    popa: Why is siblings permission better than parental permission?

    #817619

    yashrus20
    Member

    YO SEUSS- WHOS FEELINGS ARE YOU HURTING??

    #817620

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    popa: Why is siblings permission better than parental permission?

    Siblings don’t owe as much duty to the sibling, as parents owe to their children. When parents abuse their power it is much worse.

    #817621

    popcorn
    Member

    I know a family with 4 girls all ready to get married

    Their ages are 26, 25, 23, 22…..the mother can’t bear to let

    any of the younger daughters go ahead and so the younger daughters are still waiting. Yes, there have been shidduchim “redt” for some of the younger daughters (that was

    not Shayich for the oldest). It doesn’t seem fair. Why hold

    back the chance of the younger daughters building a Bayis Neeman B’yisroel if there are boys who want to date them. I know it’s very hard for parents to see their older daughter going through this. I have a niece who went ahead of her older sister. A shidduch came up and she asked her older sister for permission and

    Boruch Hashem she happily agreed. It’s a very touchy subject. May all of klal yisroel who need Shidduchim be blessed with their bashert B’korov!

    #817622

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I know a old lady whose mother didn’t let her date until her older sister got married.

    Well, her older sister never got married, and neither did she. Now, they are both in their 80s and unmarried.

    (She is my grandmother)

    #817623

    yashrus20
    Member

    We should have shaddchanim just for the older age group..so as to help focuse on them..not only the ones right out of seminary.

    #817624

    kapusta
    Participant

    Gadolseeker, if you change some of the details, I could have written that.

    *kapusta*

    #817625

    Nechomah
    Participant

    Popa – Haha

    #817626

    yitayningwut
    Participant

    Pressure is not good. Knowing that your younger sibling is already married might put pressure on you. But knowing that he/she is waiting for you will also put pressure on you. What to do?

    The truth is I think the only reason Older (who is single) will feel pressure seeing Younger married with a kid is because there is this idea out there that life means that you graduate elementary school, graduate high school, do some time in Yeshiva/Seminary, get married, have kids, lead them through this process, help out with the grandkids in the same process, play some slots in Florida, and die. So Older feels pressured because Younger is one step ahead in this great process even though Older started first. As much as we tell ourselves we are individuals, unique, original, blah blah blah, how much do people really believe that? If we did we would live in the moment and stop running. Stop moving along this endless process and actually experience something and live it. If people would be imbued with this idea then perhaps when Older graduates from being a child his/her first though would not be “Ok, what am I expected to do now?” But rather, “What do I want to be, and how do I go about making that happen?” Maybe then girls would not care to get married at eighteen, and maybe they’d decide to pursue a college degree first. Hey, simply crunching the numbers that would solve a big part of the Shidduch Crisis. And Older wouldn’t be able to care less if Younger goes out first, because life isn’t a race, and each person is the main character in their own story. Ok that last bit was a bit cheesy. The point is, well, I don’t know what the point is. I’ve been ranting. I forgot what I was talking about.

    #817627

    amused
    Participant

    Getting married IS most certainly a major advancement in life.

    #817628

    Toi
    Participant

    i never understood this permission busoness. your older sibling doesdnt have power over you, and i dont understand who gave them the shlita to stop a younger sibling from experiencing happiness. i actually think its cruel and immoral. i understand that the older sibling would feel hurt if the younger would get married first but thats their nisyaon and its not your fault or business to try and astop it. wasnt it chizkyahu that was chyiv misah for making frum cheshbonos for not being oisek in pru urivu?

    #817629

    brotherofurs
    Participant

    popa- i’m so confused and gullible.. did this happen to someone or not? :}

    #817630

    good.jew
    Member

    If you beleve Popa when he says stupidity like that….

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