Dating more than one?
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- This topic has 54 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 8 months ago by Chortkov.
July 10, 2012 3:19 am at 3:19 am #604051
Is one allowed to date more than one person at a time? (On different days obviously). What is the halacha regarding this?July 10, 2012 3:52 am at 3:52 am #885741
I don’t think its against halacha, but its completely stupid since it will confuse the dater and have him/her making comparisons.July 10, 2012 4:35 am at 4:35 am #885742
How will the dater be confusedJuly 10, 2012 4:49 am at 4:49 am #885743
Oh shprintze yente that topic we were talking about last date you mentioned that you…… oops sorry that was genendal kraindel.. um… mmm do you have your profile on your blackberry handy so that I can confirm who I am conversing with…. she was dressed for the date so I obviously came to the right address… errr I hope..July 10, 2012 4:57 am at 4:57 am #885744
It’s geneivat daat and a really dumb idea. Trust takes a lifetime to build and can be lost in an instant. All you do is make it harder for yourself, that even if one has potential over the other, the relationship will be founded on deceit. Just don’t do it.July 10, 2012 4:57 am at 4:57 am #885745
“but its completely stupid since it will confuse the dater and have him/her making comparisons.”
But wouldn’t this also help the dater have a clear mind of what type of person they really want by being able to compare?July 10, 2012 5:03 am at 5:03 am #885746
ok it doesn’t seem like the right thing to do, but how is it deceit? shidduch dating is not about creating an emotional bond…July 10, 2012 5:04 am at 5:04 am #885747
It’s like going shoppingJuly 10, 2012 5:05 am at 5:05 am #885748
comparing products and going for the best!July 10, 2012 5:08 am at 5:08 am #885749
it says in pirkei avot that you have to buy yourself a friend. I’m not so learned.. but this could also be related to shidduch dating you are buying yourself a spouse… you “don’t try” on (emotions) a productr before buying it…July 10, 2012 1:03 pm at 1:03 pm #885750
Speaking from experience, it’s a really bad idea.
You will naturally compare them. Superficial qualities may win you over and you could settle for the wrong reasons.
I was set up with two guys: the first, right on hashkafically and decent looking, the second, not exactly who I was looking for, but “drop dead gorgeous”. Guess who won out? I wound up dropping the drop dead gorgeous one later because it wasn’t a match, but by then, the other was “gone”.
I wasn’t even looking to date two at once. I had agreed to a date with one, when a friend called and pushed like mad for a date with the other. I figured what’s the harm? There’s no such thing as “just one date”. Each person has the potential to be your spouse. You need to be clear headed and block out all else.July 10, 2012 1:50 pm at 1:50 pm #885751
“ok it doesn’t seem like the right thing to do, but how is it deceit? shidduch dating is not about creating an emotional bond…”
Everyone automatically assumes that the other is only dating one at a time. Unless you make it clear that you’re dating someone else, it’s deceitful.July 10, 2012 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #885752
Dating more than one?
Too many reasons to list.
Please NO stories about extenuating circumstances.
And by the way, one of the reasons OOT girls may find they have a hard time getting dates, is that the boys know they come in and “serial” date. The boys hate this.July 10, 2012 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #885753
golfer- Where does it say it’s assur?July 10, 2012 3:56 pm at 3:56 pm #885754oomisParticipant
Different strokes for different folks, I guess.July 10, 2012 4:27 pm at 4:27 pm #885755
Golfer, what are your sources to assured it?
How is it deceit? No commitment has been made when there hasn’t even been a first date As for making the wrong choice, the cause was more than likely immaturity on mommamia part in not knowing what she wantedJuly 10, 2012 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #885756WolfishMusingsParticipant
it says in pirkei avot that you have to buy yourself a friend.
My version says to “acquire” one, not buy one.
The WolfJuly 10, 2012 5:04 pm at 5:04 pm #885757
Sorry, i love coffee, (btw, i love coffee too), i did not mean for you to take me That seriously. I was not paskening from a Halachic standpoint. I am a trying-to-be observant, Orthodox Jew. (I will have to find time to read up on CR threads to determine whether i am yeshivish or heimish.) I am not an expert in Halacha. Not by a long shot. So when i say something is “assur”, i am speaking based on my own perceived laws of mentshlichkeit, courtesy & consideration to others. It would seem to me that double dating transgresses “Mah d’alach snei, l’chavoroch lo saaveid” & “Veahavta l’reiacha kamocha” but those are very poor transliterations. Sorry again!July 10, 2012 7:59 pm at 7:59 pm #885758
I just don’t like anyone telling me something is assur unless they give me a source. The word “assur” shouldn’t be used so loosly.
For anyone reading this thread and seeing that dating more than once is assur might have felt like they broke halacha while they were dating more than one person at a time. It might not look right according to many but it doesn’t mean it’s against halacha.(Unless I’m wrong?)July 10, 2012 8:06 pm at 8:06 pm #885759MorahRachMember
I had a lot of out of town friends do this. Some i think it worked better than others. My very good friend came in to NY one time and literally had 7 dates lined up. She is very yeshivish and only planned to date very short and it was getting expensive coming in all the time. Mind you i never dated more than 1 guy at a time, was not for me at all, but it did work for my friend. Yes she compared them but who doesn’t do that? At that point she didn’t ” know” any of them, and she was dating for marriage, lived far away with no eligible guys in her area what was she supposed to do? I am not saying that i agree with the concept or disagree all i am saying is for some people it is easier that way.July 10, 2012 8:17 pm at 8:17 pm #885760
Nope, ilc, don’t think you’re wrong. We have the letter of the law- the Shulchan Aruch, and the spirit of the law- what some call the 5th volume of the Shulchan Aruch. One might argue that it goes against the spirit of the law.July 10, 2012 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #885761
Lying and deceit are two different concepts both based on the same principle. Lying is when an untruth is stated. Deceit is when the uncomfortable details in the story are left unmentioned.
Dating through a shadchan should be about giving each person a chance on their own merits and not on the basis of one being better than the next.
If you want to hang out with the other gender, go right ahead. Just don’t give them the impression you’re giving them your full mind when you know all you’re doing is comparing.July 10, 2012 10:15 pm at 10:15 pm #885762Song of BlessingParticipant
I don’t understand how people can do that – I’ve had instances where I was dating someone and another person came up. How can you get your head around it?
And for anyone that says you don’t get emotionally attached is lying to themselves. You always form some sort of emotional attachment. If you want to compare then compare BEFORE the dating thats when you pick and choose.
Personally I feel dating more than one person at a time is like cheating.July 10, 2012 10:58 pm at 10:58 pm #885763ZABACHURParticipant
forget comparing the 2…how bout not being able to choose between the 2 or getting attached to both of them…that could be catastrophicJuly 11, 2012 12:05 am at 12:05 am #885764
I knew EXACTLY what I wanted.
Attraction goes a long way in driving us towards wanting to be with someone. A Dayan has to be careful not to hear one side before the other lest he be swayed. The potential to be swayed/bribed by beauty (obviously when a shidduch isn’t totally off) is a real threat. That does not mean the person dating is immature inasmuch as the Torah does not view the potential to be swayed by a Dayan as meaning he is immature.July 11, 2012 1:54 am at 1:54 am #885765WolfishMusingsParticipant
Is one allowed to date more than one person at a time? (On different days obviously). What is the halacha regarding this?
To answer the OP’s question:
It is permitted. There is no halacha against it.
Whether it’s a good idea is a different question.
The WolfJuly 11, 2012 10:26 am at 10:26 am #885767
Mammamia, what if the boy with looks was the first date and you declined the second date with the boy with the hashkaga. How would the result be any different? He’d still be gone.
what if you became emotionally attached to the same two boys, but you didn’t date them at the same time. One declined a second date and then you dated the other. How is that any different?July 11, 2012 1:19 pm at 1:19 pm #885768
I don’t think it matters how many dates a couple goes on in terms of dating two at once interfering.
IMO, all it takes is one date to begin comparing. Again, it’s my opinion, but I speak from personal experience, not my general Hashkafah.
The second example you cite is completely different. The former date is no longer available. The girl is equally connected to both (meaning she can embrace a life with the second as easily as she would with the first). That would require her to be able to let go of the past, a phantom guy, and move on.
In my story, there was no phantom guy. They were both very much still there.
Perhaps there is some measure of maturity involved in being able to prioritize more practical marriage traits over others. But, when put to the test (and it’s a much harder test when two are in front of you) I think many would be swayed by looks unless c’v they’re blind.July 11, 2012 9:48 pm at 9:48 pm #885769
You’re not giving yourself a chance for either one if you date more than one at a time.July 14, 2012 12:36 pm at 12:36 pm #885770AnonGuyParticipant
Speaking from personal experience, I recently dated two at once.
This was because I was dating one and only been out once, with a few phone calls in between. I then received a phone call saying they had a ‘great match’ for me, but she would only be in town the following week so I had to see her while she was in town.
It was not by choice, but circumstances meant I ended up dating 2 girls at once, as I didn’t want to forgo that potential opportunity. I ended up seeing them in parallel for about 3 weeks and IMO it was difficult but doable to manage them separately – I had to make a conscious effort NOT to compare them and judge each one on their own merits, which is why it took 3 weeks for me to stop seeing one of them – as I didn’t want to stop seeing one just because there was another there, but rather based on whether I thought the potential with that person no longer existed – i.e. I had to be happy with my decision even if they both fell through, and not just making it because the other one was there.
Yes, it is difficult. Yes I DO NOT recommend doing what I did, but sometimes circumstances mean that it is sometimes necessary, not to miss out on a potential once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If the same thing happened again, I would most likely do the same thing again, but alot of care was needed.
Though I didn’t do this completely alone – I told the shadchan who wanted to set me up with this great girl who was briefly in town that I just started seeing someone else, but she still said it was worthwhile to meet her….i.e. there are shadchans out there that given the right circumstances would not condone seeing 2 people at once.
Well that is my 2c anyway.July 16, 2012 3:30 am at 3:30 am #885771cherkerMember
I know a story about a boy who was dating a girl in Brooklyn and had gone to lakewood for a shabos and was set up with another girl for motzei shabbos. He didn’t like her. he had another date with the original girl on sunday but woke up with a fever. unbeknownst to him, both girls were friends and the 2nd had said something about a date with him so when he called the 1st girl to cancel (b/c of fever) she responded like she didn’t believe him. when he realized, he drove down to her house, asked to speak to her, popped a thermomater in his mouth, and showed her that he was sick and drove back to Lakewood. they ended up getting married.July 16, 2012 3:56 am at 3:56 am #885772
Are the two girls still friends?July 16, 2012 4:24 am at 4:24 am #885773cherkerMember
I dont know it happened to my father’s friend like 25 yrs agoJuly 16, 2012 12:45 pm at 12:45 pm #885774PLONIALMONI4Member
Why should there be a problem dating more than 1 person a time? You simply want to maximize your options to find your bashert.I would only not recommend it for more than 3 dates because by that time one should have logically chosen which individual has the better “fit” on their wish list.Multiple dating beyond that point will create serious confusion and reflects poor maturity. It shows that one is always looking for someone “better” to come along. A serious level headed person has to be able to decide to fish or cut bait by the third date.July 16, 2012 7:53 pm at 7:53 pm #885775repharimMember
I’m pretty sure halachically speaking there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time.
I did it, and only because the first person i was dating was already iffy to me and i wasn’t so sure. Turned down both in the end, but eventually got happily married.
Recommended? Depends on the person, if you think you can handle it go for it. It’s not really that hard, but it does become hard to really try and attach yourself to each other.July 16, 2012 8:39 pm at 8:39 pm #885776
Is it really hishtadlus? Does anyone know anyone who ever dated multiple dates at the same time and actually married either one?July 16, 2012 9:30 pm at 9:30 pm #885777
I know someone who married both!July 16, 2012 10:59 pm at 10:59 pm #885778popa_bar_abbaParticipant
I actually know a really outrageous story about this.
This guy was dating two girls and both were getting pretty serious. It got to the point that he had decided to get engaged to one of them, but he was still also dating the other.
So, he went out with the other intending to break up. But, it ended up getting very involved, and at the end of that night (morning), he was engaged to THAT one! So, they told their parents and friends, and he went back to the dorm and went to sleep.
Meanwhile, hos friends posted it on onlysimchas. But, they didn’t know her name, so they just wrote that he was engaged to “someone”.
Then, the first girl’s friends saw it, and knew she was dating him, so they all started posting “OMG! I’m so going to wear out my dancing shoes just walking to the hall! May you order the Yated neeman israel edition!”, and calling her.
The first girl had actually been talking about getting engaged with him, so she started womdering if HE thought they were engaged, but his phone is off, and she doesn’t know what to do.
B’kitzur, he spoke to his rosh yeshiva, who said he should keep up the pretense, and should marry both. And then he should have a house in israel and a job in america and commute every other week, and they’ll never know.
So that’s what I did.July 16, 2012 11:30 pm at 11:30 pm #885779Doodle-Man™Member
Whoa!July 16, 2012 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #8857802scentsParticipant
Classical PBA. At least your bac to your own self.July 16, 2012 11:36 pm at 11:36 pm #885781Doodle-Man™Member
Are you posting from Israel or America?July 16, 2012 11:42 pm at 11:42 pm #885782
OMG, right above your post I was referring to you popa!!July 16, 2012 11:49 pm at 11:49 pm #885783
That was the BEST story!
And did they all live happily ever after??July 17, 2012 12:19 am at 12:19 am #885784popa_bar_abbaParticipant
And did they all live happily ever after??
When one of them nags him, he says “Who do you think you are? Shprintze?” (Name of other one). He tells her that is just an expression his father used to say.July 17, 2012 12:34 am at 12:34 am #885785
LSHIC (laughing so hard i’m crying), pba,
You should serialize this in Mishpacha!July 17, 2012 2:18 am at 2:18 am #885786happym19Member
I second golfers comment!PBA where do u come up with these things? 🙂July 17, 2012 4:55 am at 4:55 am #885787☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
PBA’s story, with a slight variation and without the ending, actually happened. (But not to him…yet.)
A guy was seriously dating two girls and decided on girl A. Problem was, when he proposed, she turned him down. So the next night, he got engaged to girl B.
My great aunt (grandfather’s sister) was seeing two guys. Guy A told my grandfather that he was about to propose. My grandfather liked guy B better, so he told him to hurry and propose before the other guy does (which he did).July 17, 2012 5:34 am at 5:34 am #885788
Has it ever happened though? Does anyone know any success stories (not legends) of a person who dated two at once and married one of the two?July 17, 2012 1:05 pm at 1:05 pm #885789ChortkovParticipant
I was going to write a post here, but after Poppa’s, how can i be serious?! WAY TO GO!!!July 17, 2012 1:29 pm at 1:29 pm #885790☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
With some minor changes to protect the privacy of the individuals involved, the two stories I related were told to me as true stories.
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