Dating: Parents or Girl?

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  • #652102

    oomis
    Participant

    “646: Cause you are a lot more likely to err than a Rav is. “

    Do you truly believe that? When did you start thinking that you are not responsible for your own decisions in life? I would never trust important things in my life to someone who has no real stake in ensuring my happiness and growth as a person, but might have another agenda. If we are grownups, we are supposed to be grown up, and that involves making choices, sometimes not necessarily the right ones, from which we learn and mature. When we give over our bechira chofshis to anyone, a rov, a parent, anyone else, we are basically telling Hashem he made a mistake in giving us that matana of Free Will.

    #652103

    SJSinNYC
    Member

    This thread is truly disturbing. I cannot believe that people think a girl who cannot pick out a prospective mate is ready for marriage.

    AND

    I cannot believe that people would relieve themselves of thought in non-halachic issues to be led solely by a Rabbi, without thinking themselves.

    #652104

    old maidle
    Member

    i totally agree with you. I am experiencing the same problem myself. My parents are looking for a totally different boy then i am!! No wonder none of the boys i wnet out with are suited for me!! My parents like them but im the one whos getting married here!!!

    #652105

    Mayan_Dvash
    Participant

    I had that from the other side: I was the guy that the parents liked….or so I was told.

    ;

    #652106

    YW Moderator-72
    Participant

    Original Post from a similar thread started by old maidle

    Im not sure if others feel this way but ever since i entered the shidduch scene it has bothered me how the focus of sympathy, frustration, anxiety, etc is on the PARENTS!! I feel like people are so worried about the parents of kids on the market than the actual people going thru the nisayon themselves!! Why are my parents constantly the ones at need for support and guidance and sympathy while i stand at the side with a smile plastered to my face as if everything is just dandy? Why are my parents always the ones screaming at me how all my friends are married and im still single because of a whole list of problems with me they can come up with? How come they dont realize I am the one going thru it, with MY friends getting married and having kids etc, and that its MY pain more than thiers?? Why does everything have to be blamed on me? Why cant the time just not be right yet? Why do people always have to come up with reasons for people still being single? Is that just an easy way out? Are we big believers or just in denial?

    Why cant people see their kids suffering instead of seeing it as their own pain? Its not always our fault- it hurts us too!

    #652107

    Mayan_Dvash
    Participant

    One cannot accurately comment until they have been in both situations.

    ;

    #652108

    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    I hope you don’t feel for a second that your parents don’t have the best intentions in mind for you when they pursue or reject a potential date.

    Try to explain to them what you feel is important in a spouse and listen to what they feel is important to them in a son-in-law.

    Somewhere out there is that one special person who is perfect for you and your parents.

    The longer and harder you have to look for him the more special he’ll be to you and your parents.

    Hashem created you with love and he created someone just for you, also with His infinite love.

    May you be zoche to find your basherte in the right time.

    #652109

    oomis
    Participant

    Old maidle – I have experienced both sides of this nisayon. I got married when I was almost 26. So I know how it feels to be the (slightly)older kallah. I have 28 year old and 26 year old daughters, both wonderful, beautiful and aidel girls, who just have unfortunately not met the right guys yet. Add to that that my oldest son and youngest daughter ARE both married and each has a child. As a parent, I cannot begin to tell you what a bitter anguish that is, to know that my older daughters are not fulfilling their dreams of marriage and motherhood,while at the same time, experiencing the joy from my other chidlren. Please do NOT discount what parents feel. Though your pain is real, we are experiencing our pain AND your pain. There is no pain greater for a truly loving parent than to watch his or her child suffer and be unable to help that child. Believe that, if you believe nothing else.

    #652110

    just me
    Participant

    Oomis, first of all, I heard that by Lubavich the parents also fast the day of the wedding I know my cousin did. Second, what are your girls looking for? Maybe we can make a shiduch here.

    I have seen that while most parents have their children’s best in mind, not all parents know their children. Parents who are looking at “learners” when the girl is not. Or parents telling the shadchan that the boys is only going to learn for a year when the boy wants to learn loooooong term. It does’t help anyone and wastes everyone’s time.

    sorry, but we are not going to allow the question to be answered nor will we pass information from one person to another. YW Moderator-72

    #652112

    jphone
    Member

    “Somewhere out there is that one special person who is perfect for you and your parents.”

    Exactly who are “your parents” marrying?

    #652113

    Joseph
    Participant

    They are marrying off their child, as has traditionaly always been in the purview of Jewish parents.

    #652114

    jphone
    Member

    Joseph. Your comment takes us right back to original message in this thread. How much of a personal bias for or against a shidduch do the parents have. The girls is fat, the boy is balding, the potential mechutanim are not mizrach vant yidden or their bank account is not big enough, the last name is not meyuchas enough or any of the sillier things people dont like in a shidduch. At the end of the day, if the couple is suited to each other the parents should give their go ahead to a shidduch.

    #652115

    Joseph
    Participant

    The couple themselves, as well as the parents, should look past the unimportant details.

    #652116

    oomis
    Participant

    “Second, what are your girls looking for? Maybe we can make a shiduch here.

    I have seen that while most parents have their children’s best in mind, not all parents know their children. Parents who are looking at “learners” when the girl is not. Or parents telling the shadchan that the boys is only going to learn for a year when the boy wants to learn loooooong term. It does’t help anyone and wastes everyone’s time.”

    Just me, it’s really nice of you to ask – but given the Yeshivish nature of the majority of members on this site, it might be a tall order to ask. Not to mention that my girls have specifically asked me to refrain from posting info about them.

    Identifying classifications and information has been removed. YW Moderator-72

    #652117

    gourmet
    Member

    Just my two cents: yes, parents say they want the best for their kids, but sometimes their own unfulfilled dreams kind of take over. It’s a universal phenomenon- in secular American culture, for instance, many parents push their kids to apply to Ivy League schools. If you ask them, they will tell you they want the best for their children, and what’s best is a degree from a prestigious university. But that doesn’t mean that Ivies really are the best fit for the children- they’re not for everyone. But the parents get fixated and insist that Harvard will be the best fit because either they feel bad that they themselves didn’t get in, or because they want to be able to kvell about having a kid in Harvard.

    The frum world is not immune to this, and that’s scary because when it comes to marriage, the stakes are much higher. Parents are excellent resources for advice in these matters; if they say something, you should listen and take it seriously. But it’s still your prerogative to ignore their advice; the halacha says as much. Yes, a young couple can be blinded by infatuation, but parents can be equally blinded by money, yichus, and the girl’s dress size.

    Personal details have been ***DELETED*** YW Moderator-72

    #652118

    oomis
    Participant

    Identifying classifications and information has been removed. YW Moderator-72 “

    Thank you. You were right to do so. you’re welcome

    Note to Gourmet: You make a great deal of sense, and I am sorry you feel such negative vibes from your in-laws. Keep proving them wrong, by living happily with your husband and building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel in spite of their negativity.

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