July 25, 2013 6:13 pm at 6:13 pm #610163foodgirlMember
What do u/ and are you supposed to talk about on the first and secound date? (for the first time) frum bais yakkov girl and a yeshivis boy where do you usally meet?
?What topics? ideas please!!
–July 25, 2013 6:25 pm at 6:25 pm #968249WolfishMusingsParticipant
Off the top of my head:
Things you* like to do (hobbies)
Books you’ve read
Places you’ve been
Your vision of a future household
* When I use “you,” “your” or “you’ve,” I mean both of you, not just you.
(And this is from someone who never shidduch-dated.)July 25, 2013 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #968250jewishfeminist02Member
I would not talk about my “vision of a future household” on a first date, even with a yeshivish guy. That’s too intense. Get to know each other first! Then bring it up on the third date, by which point you need to decide if the shidduch has serious potential to be going anywhere or not.
Let the conversation flow naturally. If he’s not from your community, ask him about his community. Play some Jewish geography. Ask him if he had any trouble getting to you (it will show thoughtfulness and also open the door to other topics, like traffic, traveling, etc.) If you are in a restaurant, ask him if he’s been there before and what he recommends. If YOU are the one who has been here before, tell him what you recommend.
What does he do? If he’s in school, what does he want to go into? What is his family like? Is he close with them? What are his hobbies?
If the conversation stalls, ask him more questions. You want him to really open up to you. You can tell if he’s thoughtful and considerate based on whether or not he asks you questions (i.e. does he care about you, or is he only interested in talking about himself?)
Hatzlacha! And don’t order falafel 🙂July 25, 2013 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #968251WolfishMusingsParticipant
I would not talk about my “vision of a future household” on a first date, even with a yeshivish guy.
The WolfJuly 25, 2013 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #968252oomisParticipant
Talk about the things you like to do in your spare time, political issues (that are not too controversial – you don’t want to get into a fight), if you both went to learn in E”Y, what is your most favorite memory from that time, talk about family, something funny that happened in grade school, your favorite birthday present,subjectg you loved/hated the most in school, best family trip (even if it was to Great Adventures for the day), etc. Leave the heavier stuff for subsequent dates.July 26, 2013 12:31 am at 12:31 am #968253
Usually you meet in your home, then he takes you to a lounge, which you are not actually permitted to lounge around in.
If all else fails, discuss the weather.
But do not discuss pink elephants, under any circumstances. You do not want to know what will happen if you discuss pink elephants. Pink elephants are not a good thing to talk about when you are trying to think of something to say. What should you not talk about? Pink elephants
To summarize: Avoid thinking or saying anything about pink elephants.July 26, 2013 1:22 am at 1:22 am #968254SecularFrummyMember
I went out with a guy and all he spoke about was purple elephants. Too close to pink for my liking, so I ended it.July 26, 2013 1:50 am at 1:50 am #968255rebdonielMember
And don’t talk like a baby either. Your date will think you’re a mental case (although maybe if you talk like a baby, you can find another mental case to be happy with).July 26, 2013 11:12 am at 11:12 am #968256foodgirlMember
Thank you everyone!!!Now what do u talk about 3rd 4th? When do u see if it really is the right one?July 26, 2013 2:49 pm at 2:49 pm #968257
Oh! On the third date you should talk about other people. See those people over there? Do you think he likes her? See those people over there, isn’t he fat? See those people over there? No? You don’t? Are you blind? Are you stupid? Are you a dolty twit? Kidding, there are no people over there. What?
Then you sneak away while he’s confused.July 26, 2013 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #968258crisisoftheweekMember
The fact that someone can be so clueless about a huge part of life..especially something that BY and Seminary are grooming you for as your primary function in life is just really sad.
The infantilization of females in the frum community would be laughable if it wasn’t tragic.July 26, 2013 3:26 pm at 3:26 pm #968259oomisParticipant
By the third or fourth date, if conversation is not coming more naturally to you, you are probably not making any kind of real connection. Safe topics are family,goals, if there is one thing you could do just by wishing it, what would it be, if you could meet anyone in real life (past or present), who would that be and why? What is your worst fear, what is your happiest memory? You get the idea.July 26, 2013 3:35 pm at 3:35 pm #968260
By the third or fourth date, if conversation is not coming more naturally to you, you are probably dating popa.July 26, 2013 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #968261shuliParticipant
actually @torah613, i was once approached by a very wonderful gentleman who told me all about his pink elephant.
i dont think its so tabboo anymore to discuss these things with a potential mate. yes, it is indeed personal, maybe not appropriate for a first date, but i didnt just dump him because he wanted to open up about it.
for all those who are wondering, no i didnt marry the guy, but thats because of his obsession with sugar coated watermelons. which i thought very insecure. i want someone who can feel good enough about himself and be able to get a cantaloupe.July 26, 2013 4:21 pm at 4:21 pm #968262heretohelpMember
I like, “tell me about your family.” I suppose this can feel a little unnatural or forced if prior to the date you’ve been told everything there is to know about his or her family by every yenta in town, but still, its a nice jumping off point.July 26, 2013 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #968263
Shuli: Personally, I wouldn’t settle for just any cantaloupe. I want my husband to feel he is worth a PINK cantaloupe AND an enormous sugar coated watermelon.July 26, 2013 6:30 pm at 6:30 pm #968265shuliParticipant
i agree, that would show a confidence and peace with himself, like he is happy in his own shoes.
but no, it is NOT OKAY to talk about this the first time you are meeting someone.July 26, 2013 10:11 pm at 10:11 pm #968266
Or pink elephants.July 28, 2013 6:46 pm at 6:46 pm #968267WIYMember
“Shuli: Personally, I wouldn’t settle for just any cantaloupe. I want my husband to feel he is worth a PINK cantaloupe AND an enormous sugar coated watermelon.”
Are these mesholim or metaphors?July 29, 2013 1:53 am at 1:53 am #968268
WIY: Nonsense is the best kind of sense.July 29, 2013 3:00 am at 3:00 am #968269
Nonsense is the best kind of sense.
yes, that is absolutely correct.July 29, 2013 8:57 am at 8:57 am #968270YW Moderator-42Moderator
My yeshiva made me get rid of my pink elephant and my brown mule because they took up too much room in the dormitory. So instead I got a waddle of pink and purple ducklings who live peacefully in the yeshiva’s mikva.
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