Dating “the one”

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  • #1773485

    heimesheessence1
    Participant

    If a guy/girl has all of the qualities that you’re looking for and you enjoy spending time with them, but there’s no initial gut feeling of them being “the one,” is it the type of thing that can later develop? Also, is that feeling to be expected when you find the person that’s meant to be your spouse?

    #1773897

    adocs
    Participant

    1st question: yes
    2nd question: eventually

    #1773627

    interjection
    Participant

    The feeling of finding “the one” is kind of overrated. Some people feel something magical and others don’t. There are some magic-feelers as well as some muggles who go on to live happily ever after and there are also some in each group who get divorced.

    #1773607

    Joseph
    Participant

    No, you shouldn’t expect to see or feel stars and dazzles in your future spouse.

    #1773517

    user176
    Participant

    Yes, no

    #1773518

    IMHO, very few people know right away that this is “the one” (no harps playing in the background or bolt of lightning hitting the person) but generally there is some spark of interest. And yes I have seen or been told by others of a child coming home from a date saying I think this is the person who I will marry but not necessarily the first date. I remember a girl telling me she and a guy were going for their 10th date and she still wasnt sure. 3 weeks later I was told about their Lchaim and 28 years later are celebrating births of einiklach.

    #1774096

    Just Wondering If
    Participant

    My personal opinion. Anyone who goes out and thinks “this is the one” is probably a very shallow person with no depth to him. How on earth are you meant to know if this is the one. Because she laughed at your joke and you felt king of the world??? More like he is a guy who finds himself dating a girl, which he hasn’t been allowed to do anything of the sorts till now, and he is blown away at the freedom/rebellion. Anyone with a bit more depth will surely doubt himself and say “we had a very nice time but i still don’t know her” and after years of marriage, then he will say “this is the one”.

    #1774417

    devny
    Participant

    When I went out with my chosson, I immediately knew he was the one!! He never looked at me cuz its not tznius, he yelled at me for leaving my house to go on a date cuz he believes all women should be home, and he burned my driver’s license cuz women shouldn’t drive. From the first date I knew he was the perfect one!! BH I got soooo lucky! IYH all other girls will also get to feel that way, b’karov 🙂

    #1774423

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    From the first date I knew he was the perfect one!!“

    No you didn’t because you thought it was weird that he brought you to a restaurant

    😜

    #1774494

    worldwatcher
    Participant

    I think a lot of people conflate the feeling of “finding the one” with minimal effort. Every relationship requires one to exert effort, even the one that’s “right.”

    #1774503

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Once you are married, you can’t act like you think you get a second chance at finding “the one”.

    #1774500

    klugeryid
    Participant

    CA
    A++

    #1774538

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Kluger,

    👍😁👍

    Devny,

    Did you book your חתונה under a bridge yet? If so when are the invitations coming?

    #1774554

    CTLAWYER
    Participant

    Go Google the lyrics to ‘Do you love me?’ from Fiddler on the Roof.
    It really deals with this question well

    #1774552

    Amil Zola
    Participant

    CA I’m still waiting to hear what she and Joseph ordered. I’m also curious whether Joseph order for her or she got to pick what she wanted.

    #1774537

    Gadolhadorah
    Participant

    In most cases, what you “see” is what you will be getting…Yes, you will find cases, especially for couples who marry very young, where they “learn” to love one another over time or simply “grew up together”. However, for older couples in their 30s and 40s (although on this site that may mean anyone over 18) its unlikely that initial appearances and behavioral traits will improve over time.

    #1774560

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Amil,

    If joe was ordering he would order for her

    #1774613

    klugeryid
    Participant

    CA
    the reason they haven’t sent out invitations is because they are grappling with a very thorny issue.
    They obviously can’t make a regular wedding as it’s totally not tzniyus for two witnesses to see or speak to fear dev.
    So they were going to do it ע”י שליח
    But then they ran into a huge problem
    Who can be the שליח ?
    It can’t be a woman because then it’s the same issue, it can’t be a man because how will they get the מינוי שליחות without talking to dear dev and then he will be a פרוץ, פסול לשליחות.
    So they are trying to come up with a proper solution.
    Strange why the פוסקים don’t discuss this burning issue.
    If you have a solution let them know asap

    #1774593

    Nerli
    Participant

    I had no feeling for my first but got engaged after proposal because all seemed good. It was in my mind why not?! It lasted two months! When my husband came along I felt something incredible . Even if nourishkiet. 30 yrs later it’s that magical feeling I had then that serves me when we have disagreements and reminds me that feeling that I had for no other date and has only grown bh. Is that our marriage is indeed made in heaven . As no-one in their right mind who know us both would put us together. Not sure I answered the question….

    #1774672

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Kluger,

    Very easy

    They both make a שליח

    #1774679

    philosopher
    Participant

    Rabbi Akiva Tatz said that the first thing one must look for in a potential spouse is if they are attracted to the person. But one doesn’t have to have this special feeling to know for sure that that’s the right one and it’s normal to be hesitant even after engagement because that’s human nature.

    It’s a bracha to have an instictive feeling that this is the right one but it doesn’t happen to most people. And having that initial magical feeling doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage.

    #1774748

    devny
    Participant

    CA, I knew he was the one even with the whole restaurant debacle. In fact, it was precisely because of that situation that I admired him so much. Don’t read so much into what I said on that thread, as I pride myself on being consistently inconsistent, purely for the sake of attention.

    Our chasunah is iyh scheduled for next Thursday night, under the bridge at the corner of Chabad and Avodah Zara streets. Hope to see you all there!!!

    #1774772

    Whatsaktome
    Participant

    Will there be yellow flags?

    #1774863

    heimesheessence1
    Participant

    Thanks philosopher, reputable source and I appreciate the clear answer

    #1774868

    philosopher
    Participant

    heimisheessence, Thanks, I’m glad you found my answer useful. Just to clear up in case it wasn’t so obvious, what I’ve written in my first paragraph is what I’ve heard from Rabbi Tatz, the second paragraph is my own opinion that I’ve come to after much observation, I do not remember Rabbi Tatz mentioning that in the droshes I heard of him talking on this topic but I could be wrong and he could have said it- I just don’t remember him saying it.

    Rabbi Akiva Tatz has some very interesting droshes on Torah Anytime on the topic of shidduchim that I found very insightful. I listen to him on this topic (and many others) so that I can know how to guide my children in shidduchim. In my 45 years of age where I’ve seen, experienced, and questioned, I’m so impressed of Rabbi Tatz’s clarity that he provides on many confusing topics.

    #1774870

    Lightbrite
    Participant

    Yellow flags are a real thing when it comes to dating advice.

    Though, in this case, when dating “the one,” green flags are likely to appear.

    #1775048

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    “Our chasunah is iyh scheduled for next Thursday night, under the bridge at the corner of Chabad and Avodah Zara streets. Hope to see you all there!!!“

    Perfect to have it in the neighborhood where both of you meet it was probably equidistant between you two

    #1775069

    klugeryid
    Participant

    CA
    I don’t get it
    How do they cross the gender divide?
    She can only make a female shaliach and he can only make a male one. So you are back to the same problem.
    Maybe sweet little dev can divulge the plans
    She has eight more days to use the internet
    Hope she makes the most of it

    #1775139

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    “I don’t get it
    How do they cross the gender divide?”

    Why do their שליח have to be as מחמיר as them?

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