Dating without a Long Term plan

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    Hello Coffee Room,

    I need advice. I just graduated college and I was set on law school, I took the LSATs; did well. OK so I took a little time off and I came to the realization that I don’t really want to go into law at all; that I am clear about. So I’m trying to figure out my long term goals right now. I have a few ideas, but no plan.

    So my question is: Should I stop dating for now because I don’t really know where I’m headed or should I continue dating.

    On the one hand I want to keep dating b/c.

    1. I love dating (Lason sagiNahor)

    2. I just want to get married already

    3. B”H I have alot of pressure from people I know to go out or atleast loo into certain girls.

    On the other hand I just feel its iresponsible.

    Any help is appreciated.

    (no mean comments please)

    Kol Tuv


    I believe you should seek to get married asap, rather than pushing off the mitzvah. The Mishna says Shemona Esre L’Chupa. Unless you are delaying to achieve greater Limud Torah or some extenuating circumstances, the great mitzvah of marriage should be done as early as possible.

    Delaying for university or other similar reasoning is wrong and not the Torah way. It is a large reason for the Shidduch Crisis of some people getting married late. And not to mention, as a rule, those who marry younger tend to have more succesful long lasting marriages.



    I agree with Helpful.

    However, it is not fair to get married to a girl and then change direction 6 months later.

    You should be open that you have no plan, and perhaps the two of you can discuss what your best option would be.

    I was planning on going into one thing before I met Ittisa, and after meeting her and her family, I realized a better option was available, which I took after discussion with Ittisa.

    Hatzlacha, and may you meet your Bashert soon.


    In my opinion you should definitely not push off dating. Even people with “long term” plans change their minds down the road. It is something you should work out with the girl you want to marry. I don’t think it’s irresponsible because worse comes to worst you can fall back on something since you already took the LSATs. Hatzlacha in dating.


    If that is the only issue, you should continue dating.

    When you marry someone, you are not marrying a profession, you are marrying a person. You are the same Mosh as when you were going to Law School and will still be when you become an Indian medicine man (look on Drudge, there’s a government opening for one).


    as a rule, those who marry younger tend to have more succesful long lasting marriages

    Well, they have longer to be married.


    I would continue dating but I would be absolutely open with every potential shidduch about the fact that you have no idea what kind of career you will have. That will help screen out the young women who are looking for prestige rather than a mentsch. May you find the person with whom you can grow and raise a wonderful family.


    I would add that many people find their right parnassah later in life. I completed my PhD at age 37 and my wife graduated from medical school at age 40.

    All the best!


    mosh85, if I remember correctly, you started a different thread asking other questions. I really think you need a rebbe. I am not being sarcastic, you need someone, maybe not a rabbi, but someone wise to develop a relationship with to aks questions to. Good Luck!


    Ramateshkol’s on target.

    I hate labeling and pigeon holing, but chances are the girls who are interested in boys who aren’t in full time learning want someone who has a clear idea of what he wants to do. OTOH, if you have a reputation as being consistent, smart, and a mensch, who does plan to finish school, then you shouldn’t have a problem. (Hey, going back to Musical Chairs, boys don’t have problems, right?)

    And yes, people do reinvent themselves, go for advanced degrees or change direction in midlife (or close to it) but many of the people I know who did that did have some degrees and solid experience in their fields already.

    And I’m all for having a plan, I think it’s good for all boys. Nothing needs to be etched in stone, just some good hard thinking and self knowledge. Check out Rabbi Horowitz’s article The Plan and Mr. Irwin Benjamin’s on the same (it was in Hamodia, probably googleable.)

    tomim tihye

    As long as you’ve found YOURSELF (at least to some degree), you can look for HER.

    You and your career are not one and the same.


    oh c’mon , don’t fall into that silly trap that you have to be very well off financially to get married. I think you should definitely continue dating. and in the meantime obviously try to figure out what your plan is.

    (sorry if I’m repeating someone else’s advice, i didn’t read the whole thread)


    one more thing, maybe find a rav you’re close to, and speak it over with him, because truthfully, no one in the CR really know’s you, and what’s good for YOU


    I would definitely have to agree with sof davar hakol nishma: Do you have a Rebbi/Rav who you feel understands you? If yes, you should probably talk to them (if you haven’t already), and if not now would be a good time to get one!


    It seems that you have a bit of confusion about a couple of things and it might be helpful if you found someone to help sort things out. A Life Coach would be someone who could help you define your short term or long term goals or both and get you on a path to realizing them.

    Obviously you are an intelligent and capable young man or you would not have done well on the Lstats. So the question that presents itself is what light bulb went off that made you realize that you did not wish to pursue law as a career? Or what happened while you had your break that made you change your mind? Is it the work involved, is it the long term commitment or was it something else that happened on the break that changed your mind?

    Those are important questions. Because if practicing Law is not the issue, rather the commitment to the work involved and the years in Law school, then that is something that you need to figure out and understand before you misrepresent yourself to possible shiduch prospects. When a girl is looking for a “professional” someone who will have a degree and a basic foot forward in making a parnasah they have a reason for that choice. It is not frivolous but well thought out. These are girls who understand how difficult it is to run a household and they are not planning to either support their husbands or expect support from their parents. These are usually well educated girls themselves and would like to have husbands that are equal to them on an intellectual and educational level.

    So if that is one of your issues, that is something you would need to come to terms with and be open about. However, you should be aware that at 25 years of age, most girls would expect you to have a “plan”. Flying by the seat of your pants at an age where others are already married with kids, or have finished college and are in the workforce, or have been learning seriously for a number of years does not emote a sense of confidence in a possible mate.

    The other question is the “break” itself. What was that about? Were you learning during that time? Were you working? Are you working now? What exactly are you offering a potential mate? When you yourself are checking out a shidduch you will ask what the girl is doing? Is she in school? Is she working? What does she do? Would it be ok if she were on a break and not doing anything? Would you feel comfortable going out with a young lady who seemed like she was floundering?

    The issue at hand is not really putting off dating, but figuring out what is going on with you and where you are heading. It is best to have a plan and not just wait for things to fall into place.


    With a decent enducation and a good work ethic (which you obviously have, if you graduated) you’re HEAD AND SHOULDERS above most of the male dating pool in the frum community.

    Don’t stop dating. The right mate will help you clarify / be supportive of your goals and build a solid home.

    Aim for someone within 2 years of your age, (plus or minus) who underatands the value of what you’ve achieved so far.


    Dating without a Long Term plan???!! Are you serious?

    It’s like going fishing with a toothpick!

    You can try, but you’ll come home empty-handed.

    J/K! HB”H has your plan, tell her she should call.


    I would tell them.. my plan?… Sprint!

    why do you ask?


    HB”H has your plan, tell her she should call.

    Reminds me of the famous FIL = G-d joke, where the prospective SIL keeps on saying Hashem will help when asked how he will support the girl 🙂



    “…about the fact that you have no idea what kind of career you will have. That will help screen out the young women who are looking for prestige rather than a mentsch”

    Um, Stability?

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