Dear Brothers

Dear brothers i have known for a long while that you monitor everything i do on this site just as you monitor everything i do in life i need to clear the air and get some things straight i know if i post it here you will have to read it and not ignore what i am saying.

We grew up in the same house had the same parents went to the same school but my existence was dramatically different from your i was born with different needs, needs both physical and mental those needs were not met by our parents, our father held it against me that i was so different as you know he liked things to be logical and to be orderly and my entrance into this family was neither, i dont know when his hate for me began and yes i do use the word hate he abused me every day that i lived in that house, abused me mentally, spiritually and yes physically, now i know that you were also punished physically but the spiritual and mental abuse was reserved for me.

So you want to know in what ways he hurt me? i will tell you when we were alone just the two of us he would say terrible things to me things that made me feel useless and meaningless i cant remember all of them now but they were constant and unending and whats more he enjoyed making my heart hurt, my heart broke daily as he made me aware that he hated me so, one example i will give you is at our sisters vort i asked totty to introduce me to the chosson and he said he doesnt need to meet you and gave me one of his glares.

There were other ways he made me feel unwanted when we would walk to shul if there were a few us you all walked at his side he made sure i walked behind no matter how many of us were walking, my dear brothers i am crying now as i write this the pain he put me through was life altering, ive written here before how i had to put up a front in the world and try and act normal just so know one would know about me the families dirty secret.

When i was an adult and lived at home it was no better he would play mind games on me ill share one example but there are others numerous many times i would wake up in the morning and go to put on my shoes which were always by the front door many a time i found just one shoe there now no one takes off one shoe and walks around for awhile and takes off the other i had to hunt for it this was one of his games usually it would be far away from the front door often in the basement sometimes in my bedroom this is but one example of how he tried to drive me crazy.

Now as for our mother A”H who was a wonderful woman but in the shadow of my fathers fierce hand did little to help me overcome my natural deficits he ruled the roost with an iron hand and she went along with what he did and said.

As i grew into adulthood my parents made sure that you my brothers looked out for me, because in their view i needed protection and of course to make sure that i did not in anyway reveal how flawed i was as to bring shame to the family name, you became indoctrinated to believe i was worthless and stupid a belief you still hold dear today, the two of you would often laugh at me snicker at me even if i was right in front you, you figured i was too stupid to know u were mocking me, this is not little boys having fun with a brother this is adults laughing at a grown up, one example it was my nephews bar-mitzvah and it was friday night i was singing along with the chazan with kabbalas shabbos and i was singing aloud something i had not ever done, and you two shared a look with each other and were out right laughing at me.

One of you i am close to geographically and when i moved to new york you would see me very very often and every time u saw me you made your “suggestions” oh dont eat such and such, dont wear that kind of yarmulkem, dont answer the phone like that answer it this way, it made you feel aggrandized to now be in charge of your hapless brother and to be a big shot which your ego so dearly needs, these little suggestions were coming several times a day and it was frustrating me having some criticize me constantly it brought back the days of being in my fathers house, i pleaded with you to leave me be and let me live my life in peace but you ignored those pleas i pleaded with mother too but she also felt i could not be trusted to take care of myself so she approved of you interfering with the minutia of my everyday existence.

This pechering went on for years and it drove me into a deep depression i felt so alone and unloved, before this had happened i had been in therapy which was a godsend to me it took several years but finally i realized i was not worthless that i had values that me a good and decent human being, this was when u saw the change in me the change from the meek brother into a brother who speaks his mind, a change from a brother who would never sing a song or tell a joke for fear of recrimination to one who found joy in making others laugh and who did things to make himself feel good even if others didnt like it.

Brothers you try in every way to control me and to keep me in line, do you do so because of love and concern as you claim? or is it just to keep me in line so again no one need know my failings to me it is the latter you dont care about me you do not love me you enjoy lording over me and making me feel worthless as our father did you learned well from him you are carrying on his mantle of hatred, where as you see me as a stupid person other people find me interesting and funny, where you find me to be laughable others laugh with me.

Our father would spy on me and love to catch me at something the same way you do today, when i was an adult living at home the relationship with our father cause me to have stomach problems a physical manifestation of my daily stress these stomach troubles caused me to be embarrassed many times and by association him as well it was another thing for him to hate me for, he didnt know or care that he was the cause of me having these terrible stomach problems it was another needle for him to stick in me, and for you my brothers another source of laughter in private.

I have made mistakes in my life and they are mine alone, but you must know how badly you have treated me as you approach Yom Kippur i urge you to look inward and think have i treated _______ fairly i want you to think of me when beating your al chaits, i want you to examine how a brother treats another brother does he treat him with love and respect or does he treat him as am embarrassment to the family name, do you consider a brother to be someone to laugh at and mock always even when hes right in front of you, or is he someone to treat as a friend as a true brother would, you may not like the path that i have traveled on in my time on this earth but i travel alone.

Gem

Of

Queens