Dear Zaphod-New Advice Column!

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    Zaphod Beeblebrox

    Dear Zaphod,

    Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Although I am not the sort of person who generally writes in to advice columns, I feel as though my present situation leaves me with little choice. I’m a big fan, so I’m hoping this will make it into print. After so successfully dealing with such problems as world hunger, the ensuing world obesity, and then world hunger again, I understand if my issue comes across as a bit underwhelming. But like I said, I’m a fan. How could I not be? The way you so deftly handled the issue of how to convice color blind people that they’re wrong (Issue 42), left me with my mouth hanging open. Also, Brooklyn. I still can’t believe that you solved Brooklyn.

    My present predicament is one that I feel affects not just me, but many people the world over. In a nutshell, it is this: the color mauve. Or lavender. In the same vein, crimson. And scarlet. Let’s be honest here: it’s purple. And red. If one really must make a distinction, let them just say light purple, or dark red. I understand that this is not an issue most people give much thought to on a daily basis. But I’m currently in the process of redecorating my house, and I’ll say ‘Oh look, that red would go nicely!’. At which point my wife, her sisters, and her sister’s neighbor who’s cousin is an interior designer (all of whom have inexplicably taken up permanent residence in my living room), will look at me as though my head has recently made harder-than-normal contact with a blunt object.

    The point that I am desperately trying to get aross here is that having multiple names for slightly different variations of the same color is, quite simply, unfair to men. Men are simply not capable (or interested), in understanding what exactly defines a specific shade of red as vermillion. It’s all exactly the same to us. And yet our female counterparts mercilessly insist on clinging to these names. Maybe it’s a radical feminist thing. I don’t know. I just want to be able to walk into a home furnishings store and be able to leave with my dignity intact. Is that too much to ask?

    Extremely Sincerely,
    Fed-Up in Flatbush


    Zaphod’s just this froody guy, ya know?


    crossword puzzles would be a lot less fun without these subtle meanings


    So I would like to vote for President. (Which is great, because right now we’ve been invaded by lizards who rule over humanity, but we get to choose which lizard is in charge so yay democracy!) The problem I am having is this. Anyone who wants to be president, is de-facto the worst possible person to be president. Anyone who is capable and eligible to be president, doesn’t want to run. So how do we get around this Catch 22?


    Dear Fed-Up

    Whereas I am not Zaphod, I will take the liberty of responding to your predicament, being as how this is a public forum and Zaphod has not stepped up to the task yet.

    Having certain relatives and non relatives inexplicably take up permanent residence in your living room, even temporarily, can be very infuriating and cumbersome. It’s great that you acknowledged your feelings and reached out about it.

    Find yourself a different space where you can sprawl with your shoes off. Perhaps your bedroom, your car, or your sister’s neighbor’s living room will afford you with the comfort and quiet you need. Alternatively, you can try buying a good pair of earplugs and a blindfold, and using the couch as you have always, if nobody has taken up residence in the couch itself.

    In general, it’s a good idea to avoid the home in general, as our Sages teach us: Whoever increases conversation with women is destined to inherit Gehenom. All sorts of creatures lurk around the home, and one can often feel like they almost want to take up permanent residence in a home furnishing store.

    One last idea and resort is an amulet to keep your wife, sisters, and your sister’s female neighbors away. I can provide you with the amulet, or maybe a big tzaddik somewhere. It consists of complicated words written on a dead rat, which you are to wear around your neck.

    Best of luck and stuff.

    Zaphod Beeblebrox

    @5Tresident is someone who really knows where his towel is

    Zaphod Beeblebrox


    The answer is for the president to not actually have any real power. Instead the planet should be ruled by a man living in a cabin in middle of nowhere together with his cat. You can now vote for whichever lizard you’d like without having to worry that your vote will actually have any effect whatsoever.

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