December 4, 2015 3:45 am at 3:45 am #616772
Its a troubling thing, on multiple occasions now I have seen someone get strongly pressured into engagement or marriage after only knowing the other person for 2-4 weeks, usually from a desperate partner or parent, and ending horribly. But its no only that.
The person doing this hides serious issues and even their basic personalities from the other partner until the ring is on or before the engagement is public by
1) Not allowing the other partner to meet all their immediate family members.
2) Limiting phone calls and serious conversations between the chasan and kalla until the engagement is public. This way, they wont know each-other enough to get into a disagreement or notice a character flaw.
3) Only focus on wedding plans, nothing else.
4) Hiding basic things about their past.
5) Ever increasing the illusion they created in their minds of the other person until reality kicks in and realize they married a total stranger.
I have seen too many broken engagements and failed marriages caused by this. Procrastination is one thing, but putting a blindfold over your and the other persons eyes is another. What do you guys think?December 4, 2015 3:51 am at 3:51 am #1114873
Basically, they try to see and talk to the chassan as little as possible, and will limit the exposure to the chassan to all their family or visa versa until the engagement is made public and a ring is on the finger.
Then, once they actually get to know each other they break it off or divorce.
I know people are anxious to get married, but sometimes waiting and not deceiving yourself is for your and the other person’s good.December 4, 2015 4:11 am at 4:11 am #1114874JosephParticipant
on multiple occasions now I have seen someone get strongly pressured into engagement or marriage
How can/does a potential fiance or fiance pressure their potential fiance/fiance to quickly get engaged or married?
Why can’t the person simply say no or not so fast? (i.e. two weeks of dating isn’t enough; I need another week or two.)December 4, 2015 4:34 am at 4:34 am #1114875Little FroggieParticipant
Come to think of it.. we haven’t had this topic for.. at least three weeks..
Let me try..
If you’re leaving it up to the prospective chassan and kallah themselves, I’m afraid even a year won’t do.. People directly involved are biased and attracted by looks etc. and tend to overlook important areas only later regretted. Looks and attraction, powerful forces, are there for a purpose, a very special purpose, but it must not be let to lead us into wrong decisions.
Communities where young couples are set up after careful investigation of caring parents, will have this prevented. And then the talking and shmoozing between choson and kallah could wait till afterwards… there’s enough time in married life, it’s not healthy beforehand… needless anxiety, nervousness, thoughts…December 4, 2015 4:48 am at 4:48 am #1114876
Seems to me their parents pressure them, or even worse, they willingly deceive themselves because they are so desperate.December 4, 2015 6:32 am at 6:32 am #1114877Shopping613 🌠Participant
Not everyone does that. The purpose of the meetings are to get to know them. I think it is okay to discuss your past and character flaws whie dating. Whoever doesn’t is just marrying someone she doesn’ know. I bezRAT Hashem will tell on my dates certain things that aren’t mainstream to say. Because I’m living in reality. And I want my chossan to also.December 4, 2015 12:55 pm at 12:55 pm #1114878DasMember
Someone tried to redt me a shidduch with a boy who was coming home for pesach. My parents asked what will happen if they still want to continue after and he’s supposed to go back to ey. They said what do u mean? Dating “so long” is the “goyish” way to do things.
That’s one way to get pressured.December 4, 2015 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #1114879blubluhParticipant
Well, the first word in the title of this thread says it all: “Deceiving”. No one has the right to deceive anyone.
We’ve read repeatedly that even the most stringent, but knowledgeable observers of shemiras halashone agree that the parties involved (shadchanim, parents, etc) must reveal certain types of information before a wedding is planned. As always, consult YLOR.December 4, 2015 7:17 pm at 7:17 pm #1114881oomisParticipant
This is a very serious issue. Real and deliberate deception, where the prospective chosson or kallah would NOT have ever agreed to the shidduch were they to know certain crucial information that was withheld, can invalidate the entire kiddushin. A competent rov should be consulted.December 6, 2015 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1114882🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
this is totally not typical and is not indicative of anything but i can’t resist.
i have a friend who is cognitively impaired. she is highly independent but i dont know for sure she could handle marriage. Unless it was to someone like her with supervision/mentors perhaps.
years ago she got engaged to a man from a different state who seemed to be more capable and mainstream. when i heard he wouldn’t travel to our town i was worried that he may not be “safe” for her but was assured this was looked into and it is just wonderful. they bought her beautiful clothes and promised her the world. Eventually, the engagement was broken.
i don’t know who made the final call, but she told me she found out much later that he couldn’t travel because of the ankle monitor he had to wear until his trial for shooting someone in self defense.
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