August 12, 2014 9:38 pm at 9:38 pm #613392August 14, 2014 2:35 am at 2:35 am #1029178
!August 14, 2014 2:55 am at 2:55 am #1029179
I know the voices in my head aren’t real….. but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!
I’m not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
He who laughs last didn’t get it.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
I love my computer because all my friends live inside it!
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way. ( I know this to be true from personal experience)
Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.
All generalizations are false, including this one
You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says ‘After 300 feet, stop and let me out!’August 14, 2014 4:28 am at 4:28 am #1029180oomisParticipant
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
In my case, that would be cheesecake.
The second mouse gets the cheese.August 14, 2014 11:32 am at 11:32 am #1029181emmetMember
People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care!August 14, 2014 3:54 pm at 3:54 pm #1029182
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint – it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly… time-y wimey… stuff.August 14, 2014 9:42 pm at 9:42 pm #1029183
Tee fifth wheel is the steering wheel.August 15, 2014 1:05 am at 1:05 am #1029184
Time is relative , when you are playing a game with your kids it moves too quickly, and when your mother in law is visiting it slows to an interminable crawl (ow! sorry I didn’t mean to insult your mother ! what are you doing with that frying pan!! *fade to black …and blue*)August 15, 2014 4:02 am at 4:02 am #1029185I. M. ShluffinParticipant
Sometimes I think that the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Success comes in cans, failure in cants.
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Everyone is gifted – but some people never open their package!
The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
Did you know that opportunities are never lost? That’s because someone will always take the ones you miss!
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
If you cannot help worrying, then worrying cannot help you.
Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions.August 15, 2014 5:25 pm at 5:25 pm #1029186oyyoyyoyParticipant
The late worm doesnt get the birdAugust 15, 2014 6:46 pm at 6:46 pm #1029187
Eat a whole turkey and you will be cool.August 15, 2014 9:31 pm at 9:31 pm #1029188
Save the Texas prairie chicken!August 15, 2014 10:40 pm at 10:40 pm #1029189
Bookworm120, very funnyAugust 17, 2014 4:19 am at 4:19 am #1029191
Sometimes I use words I don’t actually understand in effort to make myself appear more photosynthesis.August 17, 2014 4:24 am at 4:24 am #1029192
RebYidd23, really.August 17, 2014 4:58 am at 4:58 am #1029193
I know what photosynthesis is. It’s a joke.August 17, 2014 12:27 pm at 12:27 pm #1029196
Sometimes I use words I don’t actually understand in effort to make myself appear more photosynthesis.
just use sesquipedalian, that always worksAugust 17, 2014 8:03 pm at 8:03 pm #1029197
To be or not to be, Obamanos.August 18, 2014 2:04 am at 2:04 am #1029198August 18, 2014 2:34 am at 2:34 am #1029199
BookWorm120, do not bash me.August 19, 2014 7:30 pm at 7:30 pm #1029200
“One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.” -Groucho MarxAugust 20, 2014 9:59 pm at 9:59 pm #1029201
why aren’t iphone chargers called apple juice?August 20, 2014 11:03 pm at 11:03 pm #1029202yentachayaParticipant
That is so creative!! I love it!
**But why, pray tell, do you wanna be chasidish???August 21, 2014 2:31 am at 2:31 am #1029203
Yentachaya- I go to school with chassidishers and like it, the only issue is is that I want my husband to b clean shaven, and I would never shave my headAugust 21, 2014 2:32 am at 2:32 am #1029204
Yentachaya- I go to school with chassidishers and like it, the only issue is is that I want my husband to b clean shaven, and I would never shave my headAugust 21, 2014 2:22 pm at 2:22 pm #1029205
Why would you never shave your head? You save on shampoo.August 21, 2014 7:31 pm at 7:31 pm #1029206
y do u drive on parkways and park on driveways
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