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Simcha is the natural human state. Just look at a little child. Kids don’t need to learn strategies for positive living, and they don’t need a reason to be happy. They need a reason to be sad. If a child cries, we ask, “What’s wrong?” If a child laughs and plays and dances around the room, we don’t ask, “What’s the big celebration about? Why are you happy?” A child is happy by default. If they aren’t happy there must be a reason, like they need to be changed, they are hungry or thirsty or tired, or need attention, or just had a Bris. But as long as nothing’s wrong, a child is happy for no reason at all.
Somewhere along the line things change. We grow older and become more demanding, harder to please and we lose this childish contentment. As we become jaded by life’s disappointments, we feel that we need a reason to be happy. If you see an adult walking around with a big smile, you ask, “What’s wrong with you, why are you smiling?”
The difference is, a child is not self-conscious. They are free to be happy because they are not yet aware of themselves. It is only when we mature and become more self-aware that we also become more self-absorbed. We have worries and concerns, unfulfilled desires and unrealised dreams. None of us can honestly say we have it all, and we can always find reason to be upset. But a child isn’t so aware of themselves and what they are missing, so they have it all. Their lack of self-consciousness leaves them free to enjoy life and be happy.
The more you are concerned with your own happiness, the farther you are away from achieving it. As soon as you forget about what you need and instead focus on what you are needed for, the good you can do for others rather than the good you can get for yourself, your childlike joy comes flowing back and you are happy.
This is the focus of Purim, a time to give gifts to friends, donations to the needy, to say LeChaim, loosen our grip on our self and thank G-d for the opportunity to be alive. Even in the darkest times, by becoming mission-focused rather than self-focused, we can access our inner joy. Simcha is not somewhere out there; it rests within, in that part of us that is forever young and forever giving – the Neshama.
the above are not my words—feivel
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was nice!!!!
wow that realy is nice
Thank you for your beautiful post.
And now for the implementation…
Not to be the downer in this thread…
As we get older, we realize that there are obstacles to being happy. Some of us learn sooner than others (I had a challenging childhood and lost many family members at young ages). As we get older, we also learn there are times for simcha and times for mourning…
feivel, you gotta be kidding. there are times for sadness. eis livcos ve’eis titzchok, right? bechi isn’t too happy.
feivel great post! 🙂 ah freilichen purim!
sorry, that’s “litzchok”
feivel, that’s when “your loving Tatti stands over you nourishing you with whatever you need”
how about when he’s whipping you with a belt?
very nice. i even understand that a little bit. but you can’t expect a person to be HAPPY. they point in the whipping is supposed to be so that you CRY. not so that you smile and say thank you.
that’s like saying you’re supposed to be happy when someone dies. your argument would be “but they’re in a better place” and “they fulfilled their tafkid in this world.” yeah yeah yeah. so they are now happy. we are supposed to be in mourning.
moish-
If a person has emunah- the real thing, deep down- they feel Hashem’s love through everything, even when someone close is niftar; and they can clearly see it is for everyone’s good. Emunah= inner peace= happiness. Happiness is not dancing and a smile on your face (although at times that is part of it)
Unfortunately I do not have experience in this and did not yet come to such a level, but I believe this is how it is ultimately supposed to be.
Correct me if I’m wrong (hashkafah wise)
Sorry, I need to side with Moish on this one.
#1: After a person is niftar (lo alaynu) there is a din v’cheshbon. We are sad because this is a tremdously difficult time for the nishoma.
#2: When a tzaddik dies, we cry that the earth we are on has lost a piece of kedusha. We also cry because we will no longer have access to this tzaddik. Rabbonim still cried after R’ Shach passed away, simply because he was no longer with us (for those who did not know, R’ Shach was not “functioning” at the end of his life).
King Shlomo even writes that there is a time to cry
feivel- that is the most insightful moshol I’ve ever heard. Is it your own chiddish? Beautiful! It definitely does give us a better understanding of such a high madreiga
ames- by ‘unfortunately’, I meant that I do not have the experience of this madreiga, feeling happy when someone is niftar
I can’t disagree with mod39 simply because his post applies to our generation. However, I think the ultimate height and madreiga would be what feivel described. Is there anyone like that in our dor?
what sides? we agree to disagree- having a friendly discussion
Feivel, I loved this. I think though that we forget that in order to be truly happy we also have to understand what sadness is. Nonetheless, it’s great to always reset to the default position.
can’t disagree with mod39 simply because his post applies to our generation. However, I think the ultimate height and madreiga would be what feivel described. Is there anyone like that in our dor?
IIRC, I once heard a shiur in which a midrash was quoted which stated that Jews were punished for not properly crying over the death of Yehoshua. Happiness is not a universal.
What do you mean the post applies to our generation? Was there simcha when Rebbe Yehuda HaNassi died? Should there have been?
Was there simcha when Bais Rishon was being destroyed? Baid Sheini? Should there have been?
IIRC?
If I Recall Correctly
mod39- you really got me thinking. So- how do we apply the moshol?
thank you mod 🙂
mod39- you really got me thinking. So- how do we apply the moshol?
Since you ARE asking me. There is a difference between physical and spiritual. One should not be happy when spirituality takes a hit. We mourn the loss of a gadol because he not being here will possibly hinder our spirituality. We mourn the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash because it was G-d telling us our avoda was no good to him.
[Side Point: One cannot be jealous of their friend or their possessions, but they can be jealous of their Torah]
What feivel said in the Original Post was 100% emes. The moshol is also correct, just not universally applicable.
There is a time to cry. We cry over the sad events that take place even though we are aware that it is for a good reason. We say ?? ???? ???? ???? because in the times of Moshiach, we will understand how everything was for our benefit. But in this world, we can only see things as they are, and we must cry. Chazal say that the keruvim faced each other at the time of churban bayis rishon, indicating that Hashem loved us even as the Beis Hamikdash was being destroyed. But as some point, we must move on with life. Shiva is for periods of a week, a month, and a year. Then life gets fully back to normal. The Chazon Ish ZT”L used to say that an eved Hashem who is not happy has a clearly flawed avodah (In Their Shadow).
An example of this dichotomy between the absolute truth ( in this case, everything is for the best) and our perception that it’s bad is the phrase hagadol hagibor vehanora (“The Great, Powerful, and Awesome)”in shemona esrei. These three words were removed by the neviim at the time of the churban bayis rishon- the beis hamikdash is being destroyed and Hashem does nothing? The anshei kenesses hagedolah added them back in- the fact that He controls himself and doesn’t wipe out the attackers shows His strength. The gemara then says that the 3 neviim knew that too, but for them the pain was too near. In other words, pain prevents us from seeing clearly. This is why we cry. However, we are also supposed to move past our personal pain and realize how lucky we are to be punished by Hashem. We said in today’s yom, ???? ???? ??? ?????? ?-?- fortunate is the man whom Hashem punishes. As the Shaarei Teshuva points out, these punishments enable us to realize what’s wrong with our behavior and correct them. If we just gripe about them, we missed the point.
In other words, I’m agreeing with both sides. We feel pain and cry, and are supposed to cry, but we must ultimately keep in mind that everything from Hashem is good- Hashem is the ultimate Meitiv.
Jothar, That was brilliantly worded. I agree
Just a question to make sure I am totally understanding you:
Should we be happy or sad today with no beis hamikdash?
Should we have moved on?
complex- you said it.
Perhaps it’s a very fine balance between knowing how to feel both, each for the appropriate reason and mitzvah
feivel, R’ Akiva did laugh when he saw the foxes wandering at the site of the Bais HaMikdosh, but that was a long time after the destruction. After the chorban Yirmiyahu haNavi accompanied the Jews to Golus crying. Where is he criticized for this? I don’t think very many gedolim celebrated the chorban when it happened. Even now, thousands of years after the chorban, it’s a mitzvah to mourn the destruction of the Bais HaMikdosh in its proper time, and one who does not mourn it properly is chayiv.
feivel, rabbi akiva wasn’t laughing because he was happy about the foxes on har habayis. he saw past that and he was thinking of the nevuah. would he have laughed had there not been the nevuah? i doubt it.
and i never said there’s an excuse for being depressed your whole life. i just said how it’s not normal to be thrilled about terrible things (or seemingly terrible things) that happen. (that was to avoid an extra mussar shmooze)
while they are happening, (or while you’re being whipped with a belt) you’re not supposed to be happy. that’s not the point in the tzara, is it??
and no, i was never whipped with a belt. just by the way. dunno why i used that as an example.
it was used as an example earlier in this thread.
yeah i know. by me 😉
Jothar -“shkoyach”
Chazal say that he who cries over the churban will merit to see its rebuilding. We did move on, in a sense that we all can eat meat and drink wine, and only have to leave a square amah in our houses unpainted instead of the whole thing. But still, when it comes to Tisha be’av, we must understand what we lost. There are those who cry over the loss of the Beis hamikdash every night – tikkun chatzos. It was the equivalent of a woman losing her husband- haysa ke’almana . A divorcee or widow moves on with her life, but she still feels the loss keenly. This is the way we feel with the loss of the Beis Hamikdash and our unique kesher with Hashem. It was for the best, and it was necessary, but it’s not to be celebrated. If your life is saved through an amputation, you move on but you still notice the lack of limb. Ultimately, we will be able to fully see the good. Ultimately, we will make a hatov vehameitiv when someone dies instead of a baruch dayan emes. But for now, we are limited by our humanity, and we must function based on it. Again, we must function, and being an eved Hashem requires simchas hachaim, but once a year is the appropriate time to realize the loss. Crying is also healthy in the appropriate time.
jothar great post 🙂
Jothar, that’s like I once heard from R’ Chaim Stein at a yahrtzeit that a yahrtzeit is the time for the family of the niftar to take their pain “out of the box” that it sits in all year round and cry and be sad over their loss.
~a~
Thanks for the nice comments everyone.
I just wanted everyone to notice how much more enjoyable it was to argue respectfully.
This entire thread is a true inspiration- both the way it was conducted and the content are truly beautiful. Congratulations to all the participants
Jothar, I am always impressed by your seichel and your calm voice.
yasher koach to all involved here. Twas truly a pleasure
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