Dilemma: Catch-22 With Hashkafa Shidduchim

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  • #1657787

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    I am a bochur in the parsha who is facing the following dilemma for many years.

    Girls who follow Yeshivish hashkafos are rejecting me simply because I grew up in the Modern velt.

    Girls who follow Modox hashkafos (even the ones that are frummer, not like Ivanka Trump) are rejecting me because I became more greasy when I learned in Yeshivas OJ after graduating my co-ed day high school.

    How would you go about this dilemma?

    #1657913

    Takes2-2tango
    Participant

    What area are u from and what is your age ?

    #1657914

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Marry an out of towner

    #1657956

    WinnieThePooh
    Participant

    Go out with girls who come from MO homes/schools but also became frummer in seminary,

    #1658092

    MRS PLONY
    Participant

    You only need one – the right one.

    #1658108

    The little I know
    Participant

    The application of these generalities to shidduchim, where we need to consider a single individual is bizarre. I would hope that if one were to seek the advice of a Chochom on this, there would be no such pronouncements. It is tragic that nonsense like this is used to pass judgment on someone who has not been considered for who he or she is.

    In our generation, we are privy to the myth of the “learning boy”, or the girl who wants to marry a “learning boy”. This entire concept is a simple lie, and has zero bearing on the individual’s true dedication to Torah or learning, nor the hashkafos of either candidate. Labels are completely artificial, and those with smarts should realize that a shidduch is being proposed for this girl with this boy, which needs to be considered on its own merits.

    #1658130

    Neville ChaimBerlin
    Participant

    How greasy did you become? Enough to still want to go on dates with MO girls, but also enough that they all reject you?

    Are you 100% sure the reason is really hashkafa?

    #1658126

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Go out with girls who come from MO homes/schools but also became frummer in seminary,

    Bingo

    #1658139

    Kovna ruv
    Participant

    Send your profile to sholom blatter.

    #1658322

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    I am too greasy for girls who follow Modox hashkafos.

    I live in NY, and I am 23. I started the parsha when I was 21. I have been having the same problem mentioned above ever since.
    Shadchanim I’ve met with have not suggested many out of town girls, in spite of the fact I have always been open to dating them.

    #1658353

    Yserbius123
    Participant

    You are clearly talking to the wrong shadchanim and looking at the wrong girls. There are plenty of girls with hashkofos that aren’t inherently hypocritical like you are describing. Maybe check out people that live in the Hinterlands, AKA that foreign country some people refer to as Not New York Or New Jersey.

    #1658337

    laskern
    Participant

    The gemora in Bava Kama describes a similar situation. A man had two wives, a young one and an old one. The young one would pull out his white hairs whereas the old one would pull out his black hairs, so he said, I am קרח מכאן and קרח מכאן, bold from either side.

    #1658375

    1
    Participant

    You’ll have better luck meeting girls on your own or at events. The shadchanim concentrate on 21 year olds looking for support in learning. Naturally, these families will pay shadchanim nicely.

    #1658603

    Neville ChaimBerlin
    Participant

    “There are plenty of girls with hashkofos that aren’t inherently hypocritical like you are describing.”

    With all due respect to the OP, I don’t see why the hashkafos are “inherently hypocritical.” People want to be with their own kind; I don’t think that’s shallow. If he’s not MO, he should expect to have trouble with MO girls. If he’s not super right-wing (as is evidenced by his willingness to date MO girls) then he should expect to have trouble with super right-wingers. If he’s a centrist, then there are plenty of people out there like that and I’m not sure why he’s not being set up with them.

    #1662861

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    When I inform shadchanim that I am open to dating girls with MO backgrounds who became Charedi.

    But rather than sending me ex-MO Yeshivish girls, they are instead suggesting RWMO Bnei Akiva type girls!!!

    #1663140

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Well my parents and everyone says you cannot just say “I’d be okay with x, y, and z” because that’s an invitation to go doulbley far on such a road. In a shidduch world where everyone tries to conceal information “shy” can mean basically socially awkward to autistic and “openmindness” can equal openness in hashkafa.

    You need to see different people and be super clear where you are holding. Don’t say “I’d date former MO girls” say “I want to date someone with my hashkafos, I don’t really mind where she comes from as long as were holding together in the same place now”.

    I’m a former OOT girl. I live in-town now but I’m an OOT at heart, I feel like it’s hard to find someone who gets the mentality of OOT.

    #1663161

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    I do tell shadchanim that I am looking for a girl on the same level as me now.
    In spite of that, the shadchanim send me the opposite of what I am looking for.

    #1663809

    jdb
    Participant

    Talk to your Rebbe and Mashgiach from your current yeshiva. Often, they will have eitzos if not shidduchim.

    #1665507

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    I became too greasy for RWMO girls.

    #1665530

    Workingbochur95
    Participant

    If my values are 100% identical to the Yeshivish velt, then why should the other parties raise an eyebrow over the co-ed mosdos I went to when I was younger?
    If My yeshiva in E”Y had and my limud hatoireh כיום have much stronger impact on my values than the Hollywood propaganda I grew up watching on my parents’ television, then why would a standard Bais Yaacov girl say no to me? And are these types of girls at greater risk of having Shalom Bayis issues if their husbands grew up MO????

    #1665539

    The little I know
    Participant

    jdb:

    Careful. Don’t get in over your head with the capabilities of the Rebbe and Mashgiach from an anonymous yeshiva. We may have no clue who that individual is, and even less knowledge of how much they grasp outside of the gemora. Not every Rebbe or Rosh Yeshiva is able to advise on these matters, as long as they are aware of their limits. This is not a put down at all, just a statement how careful we must be when seeking or offering advice. I have been asked for advice on the stock market. I reject the request, as my understanding of it is extremely poor, while I do have advanced knowledge and training in other areas.

    A more general comment – Oh the labeling. We fall into the trap of these labels about someone’s hashkafos, as if they have any bearing at all on fact. Personally, I have found these broad generalizations highly misleading, aside from being poorly understood in the first place.

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