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I have been really contimplating divorce for a really long time, I can’t handle my wife complaining and nagging anymore. I love her but when she gets into these screaming crazy moods all to often I feel like walking. We have 4 adorable kids which is what is really holding me back for the most part, yes we tried seeing someone totally useless. The strangd thing is I have many friends who complain to me all the time about the same topic, we are all about 30 and take take it anymore. Are we of us (men) insane? Are we doing something wrong. HELP
Speak to a Rov. Not a Rabbi; a choshuve Rov that is known to help with Shalom Bayis.
trim,
It sounds like your from the “instant potatoes” generation. If everybody would get divorced over a nagging wife, there would be no married men left in the world!
Men are different than women, that’s a fact of life. Try listening to her, see how that works. Try sending her to work (or whatever you do) for 1 week and you stay home with the kids, I guarantee, you will have a greater appreciation for her, and all of a sudden her nagging will sound to you more like, “I’m so happy your home, I didn’t see a whole day!”
All of the above, is not to say that your needs don’t count, but you need to think of ways to take care of yourself. For example, I can’t stand coming home from work on Friday, the end of a long week, and suddenly being told, “We need this done, that thing fixed, and please kill the cockroach in the girls room.” I need a bit of space to transfer between work & home. Do you know what I started doing? I started taking care of myself. Every Friday, without fail, I stop off at some local takeout place or some bakery on the way home from work, I pull over somewhere and sit in my car for 10 minutes with a coffee & a danish or a cholent and a soda, and I completely zone out. I walk into the house on Friday with a big smile on my face, ready to tackle anything.
Please take care of yourself and try to see the world through your dear wife’s eyes, and I think you’ll start being happy.
i think after a few yrs a couple forgets about the other person’s needs and space at times. Divorce is an ugly mess and I personally believe that should only bc used if their is abuse going on. Hashem didnt put you 2 together to just land up divorced. I think your wife prob forgot the things YOU need and that nagging is something u cant handle. SHe needs to learn to express what she feels in a more appropriate manner. she should right down wat she would like from you lets say doing dishes instead of her complaining to do them right away she should write it down and give it to you and u should do it on when u have time but dont wait to long.. the writing it down on paper should go on for a few weeks untill she can express it in words without a nagging voice. and btw this goes for you too instead of blowing up at ur wife for nagging or doing anything write it down give her the paper and asking nicely on paper she should do it over time when both of u put effort in instaead of getting angry at one another a better outcome will be. and dont forget COMPLIMENT YOUR WIFE, she might talk to u dif when she hears compliments
you are all feeding off each other. suggestion: stop having your little “my wife is worse than your wife” loshon hara sessions. make a decision – do you want to spend your life with the woman that you married or with your buddies…
disclaimer: 1) I know nothing of your situation I am only commenting on how what you are currently engaged in is dangerous. 2) “yes we tried seeing someone totally useless” this time try going to someone useful!
Trim- you are totally allergic to women then…
And you agree with 72. Stop speaking to your friends about your wife.
yw-moderator: if only it were so easy… clearly its not.
Ask a local Rov not YWN. May Hashem give you bracha v’hazlacha!
Chein-
Can you give a suggestion of such a chashuvah rav who deals with shal-om Bais issues?
Yes, i too agree with YW Moderator-72 about this being Lashon Horah.
Women do deal with hormonal issues at which time they sometimes lose control, unintentionally. Try to think of a way to perhaps make her life easier when these outbursts happen. Such as taking her out and telling her you get worried when she behaves as such and suggest going for some help to make life easier.
As you wrote you have friends who complain of the same, tell the to listen to their wives and do something about it.
The grass is not greener on the other side!
Trim — You should read the Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush–life altering. Your wife can read Women’s wisdom by same author. Incredible books, makes a huge difference in Shalom Bayit. Hatzlacha!
Sounds like you’re contemplating throwing the “baby” out with the bathwater:
Your OP mentions ONE negative thing about your wife; so how many positive things about her can you come up with? Do you choose to see your glass as half empty or half full?
(In addition, birds of a feather flock together…your “friends” seem anything but…)
72- Wow! You basically covered all the grounds that I would have mentioned! Kudos 🙂
Trim, from the little you have said the one other thing that I can say with certainty is that your marriage certainly has much potential and you both must try much harder to care for the other (generalization: without knowing your personal situation) before you even breath the word divorce! It will obviously take some work, but it is definitely feasible.
(sorry 72, though you said it well, I couldn’t resist the urge to add my cents/ sense)
Ms. Citique
Please first learn Sefer Chodetz Chaim.
Mommamia22
A local Rav that finished Shas once well will know how to answer from his smartness.
Trim,
I know this is not pleasant, but sometimes you have to yell back.
I was also going to suggest that you read “The Garden of Peace” and you will gain an attitude adjustment. Usually women turn into “nags” because they are NOT respected and listened to the first 10 times. If they are respected and listened to they don’t turn into “nags”. The more a “wife” is respected and acknowledged the more she respects and acknowledges.
Women burn out because of fatigue and hormonal changes and if there is not positive input via love and attention then we sizzle and burn more easily. The more positive energy put into the relationship from a loving, caring husband, the less likely the wife will burn out, nag, get moody, depress, etc. Men and women are different and it is up to YOU OP to realize that and learn to appreciate the differences. Isn’t it interesting that your friends are complaining about the same things? That’s because YOU are all the same. YOU are all males, and your wives are all female.
i totally agree on arushes book. i read it myself and it opened my eyes. you say you love her so i dont see why you two together wouldnt be able to work on this. much hatzluche !!!!!
You said you love your wife and your friends have the same problem.
Who said you wont have the SAME problem with another wife!! Or that you will love her as you love your current wife. If you feel your situation is bad, a divorce is so very much worse and it doesn’t ever end if children are invovled. Its like going from the frying pan into the fire unless if the spouse is abusive which does not seen to be your case.
Maybe HaShem is telling you and your friends to spend more time learning Torah outside your house. Also I suggest that besides giving your children prime time give the same to your wife. Take her out every Rosh Hodash alone just you and her.
Sometimes nagging is another way of saying TALK TO ME or GIVE ME ATTENTION or ACKNOWLEDGE ME or RESPECT ME!!!!
I suggest that you read “The Garden of Peace” (the men’s edition )by Rav Shalom Arush. There is also a Women;s edition.
These books have saved many marriages and prevented broken homes.
A therapist needs to match up to your needs and feelings, just like a shidduch. Just because it didn’t work the first time, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it again. A therapist can help you learn how to really talk and listen to each other.
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