October 19, 2009 3:33 am at 3:33 am #590610
is it kivud avaem if i only invite my mother and not my to my father to my daughters bithday party..because i dont want problems with my divorced parents?October 19, 2009 4:01 am at 4:01 am #736818JaxMember
3 members from Mexico! not that i’m against Mexicans in any way, but the Irony!
Joseph: please do us the honor to pull the other thread up! shkoyach in advance!October 19, 2009 4:13 am at 4:13 am #736819
that is really insulting.October 19, 2009 4:17 am at 4:17 am #736820artchillParticipant
Call your father and tell him straight out that while you’d love him to come, he should be prepared to see your mother taking an active role in the party. It will really hurt you, and emotionally scar your little munchkin if he acts out at the party. So, the choice is entirely his. He could behave at the party, or come by two hours later for a private gathering of celebration. Be HONEST with him, it works as long as there is no abuse involved.October 19, 2009 4:18 am at 4:18 am #736821
Tough question. First of all can you ask each of them to be civil for their grandaughters sake? Secondly, if that is not possible, can you just have the other parent over, seperately, and have a little party & cake just with that grandparent?October 19, 2009 4:20 am at 4:20 am #736822ronrsrMember
why is it insulting? (honest question)October 19, 2009 4:23 am at 4:23 am #736823
all we really want is peace , no drama , so how can we really avoid it? is it alright the grandfather never finds out there was a party alltogether?October 19, 2009 4:24 am at 4:24 am #736824cherrybimParticipant
tamazaball – Cancel the party. No party, no problem. Kibud Av V’em in a chiyuv d’oreisa, a party isn’t.October 19, 2009 4:40 am at 4:40 am #736825
so the child has to suffer?October 19, 2009 5:16 am at 5:16 am #736826
If you make a party, and not invite your father, there is always a chance he may find out, and be very hurt. Like a said earlier, maybe talk to him and explain to him that you are having a party for you daughter, but your mother will be there and it may be uncomfortable for both of them. Suggest maybe having a small party with just him or even having him over for Shabbat Lunch and serving Birthday cake for dessert, or going out to a restaurant(not sure in Mexico how it works out) But honesty and communication are very important and reassure him that you love him very much.October 19, 2009 6:47 am at 6:47 am #736827kapustaParticipant
tamazaball, IMO shalom comes first, and if the way you’re thinking of now is how you’ll have shalom, than thats the way to go. But I’m not a rav and I think its best to consult someone about this.
Hatzlacha in whatever you decide!
p.s. welcome to the CR!October 19, 2009 11:27 am at 11:27 am #736828JosephParticipant
Why are you considering inviting your mother but not father as opposed to vice versa?October 19, 2009 12:03 pm at 12:03 pm #736829starwolfMember
Sounds to me like Mazal77 had the right solution.
Give the child 2 small parties, one with Savta, one with Saba.October 19, 2009 1:53 pm at 1:53 pm #736830mybatMember
Or why don’t you tell them when you invite them that you are inviting both of them, and if they could please behave. They have to learn that since they share grandchildren you are not going to make 2 different parties (birthdays, bar mitzvahs,brit milas, engagement parties, weddings’etc) all the time. Otherwise there will be no end in sight.October 19, 2009 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #736831NY MomMember
tamazaball: Why don’t you speak to your father and bring up the topic as if you would like his advice? For example: “Abba, little Rachel’s birthday is coming up, and she has asked me to make her a birthday party. Should I make it for her? If I do, then I think it would only be right to invite you and Ima, but you know…that might be awkward for both of you. What do you think I should do?”
If you present it to him as a dilemma, then he might just suggest one of the solutions recommended above and then there would be no problem! If he doesn’t suggest it himself, it would be a perfect opening for you to throw it out there as an idea that you just thought of. Ex: “Hey! This just occurred to me, etc….Do you think that might be a good idea?”
Hope that helps and welcome to the CR!October 19, 2009 2:55 pm at 2:55 pm #736832
My bat,ny mom ,mazal77 . You all have wnderfull solutins thankyou for the advice!October 19, 2009 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #736833
Your welcome Tamazaball! B”H I am not in the situation, but unfortunately have a few friends in similar situation. Hope B’H that everything will work out okay.October 19, 2009 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #736834noitallmrParticipant
Dunno about Kibud Av Ve’em but Bein Odom Lechaveroy is to invite me!!!October 19, 2009 7:28 pm at 7:28 pm #736835oomisParticipant
I like Tamazaball’s approach. If one of the parents is so immature that either he or she cannot be civil for two hours or at least stay out of each other’s way, then THAT parent should not be invited. But explaining the situation beforehand, you can get a feel for both their reactions. My daughter-in-law’s parents are divorced, and though the two of them do not normally speak to each other anymore, when there are family celebrations to which they are both invited they act with derech eretz to each other and do not shterr the simcha.October 19, 2009 8:04 pm at 8:04 pm #736836NY MomMember
tamazaball: You’re welcome, and I hope it all turns out well. And Happy Birthday to your daughter! Have a lot of nachas!October 20, 2009 3:43 am at 3:43 am #736837
oomis1105 .i like that we think the same.i hope we never have to find ourselfs in these difficult situations ever again!October 22, 2009 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #736839coalMember
how did it turn out?October 22, 2009 9:50 pm at 9:50 pm #736840
Coal. I havent made the party yet.February 4, 2011 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #736841
This is a good question,(b/c im probably going to be in the same situation)
I would make two parties (one on the hebrew bday and one on the secular bday)February 4, 2011 5:17 pm at 5:17 pm #736842crdleMember
mbachur, that sounds weird, but i take it ur parents are divorced! Oh and while were at it, I think we should make some coffe room shidduchimFebruary 4, 2011 5:47 pm at 5:47 pm #736843WolfishMusingsParticipant
My parents are divorced, but fortunately, they are now at a stage where they get along well. It helps that my stepmother is such a nice person — she put a very big effort into getting everyone back together again — to the point where she and my mother are now very close.
The WolfFebruary 4, 2011 5:57 pm at 5:57 pm #736844wanderingchanaParticipant
When my kids were little, I refused to make two parties. I knew I was taking a chance, but we told them both that the other would be there, and we expected them to be on their best behavior. If they hadn’t been, the offending party would not have been invited to the next one. Fortunately they both rose to the occasion. I have no problem expecting adults to behave like adults – it’s not our fault they divorced.February 4, 2011 6:42 pm at 6:42 pm #736845
mbachur, that sounds weird,
but i take it ur parents are divorced!
Oh and while were at it, I think we should make some coffe room shidduchim
theyre fine single, theyre over 60 nowFebruary 4, 2011 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #736846oomisParticipant
Wanderingchana – GOOD GOING! You are totally right. There is no reason you should have to bend and twist yourself into a pretzel in order to accommodate the potentially childish behavior of ANY adult. Fortunately, your parents showed real class.
And what would someone do if they were making a bris? Make two cuts and two seudas?????? Ridiculous. You handles that well. I am sorry you had to handle that type of situation, though.February 4, 2011 7:03 pm at 7:03 pm #736847wanderingchanaParticipant
Thank you oomis… I learned the hard way and it took growing a backbone… (oy, the bris… don’t remind me…)February 4, 2011 10:47 pm at 10:47 pm #736848aries2756Participant
It is your obligation to invite both parents. Having said that you must tell both parents that you are inviting both to the party and it is in the children’s best interest that they both come and behave themselves. IF THEY feel that they can’t do that then they should decide to take turns and choose which one will come to this simcha and which one will take the next turn to come to the next one because you will keep telling your children to invite both their grandparents always and to love ALL their grandparents the same.
Let them each know that it is not YOUR job to be the referee between them and you have no intention of being pulled into their nonsense. Just as you teach your children to stay out of it, you are choosing to stay out of it as well. It is THEIR problem not yours. YOUR issue and obligation is to keep shalom bayis and peace in YOUR family and in your HOME. THAT is what YOU must teach YOUR OWN CHILDREN.February 6, 2011 1:12 am at 1:12 am #736849Pashuteh YidMember
I agree you must invite both, and hope for the best. One will be terribly hurt otherwise.February 6, 2011 1:48 am at 1:48 am #736850always hereParticipant
my husband & I walked 3 of our children down to the chuppah. In June our last child got married. the kallah has divorced parents & she was the first of ka’h 9 children to be married. her mother asked me would I mind if the 2 mothers walked her daughter down because she was so uncomfortable being around her ex-husband; & the 2 fathers would walk my son down. in my heart, I felt really badly about not walking my last child, my son, down to the chuppah with my husband; but the machataynesta turned out to be such a sweet lady (we met for the first time @ the wedding cuz they all flew in from Israel),< plus knowing the circumstances of the divorce>, that I cheerfully agreed … & B’H it was still great!! .. I survived, & the divorced parents were able to remain out of each other’s way.February 6, 2011 2:09 am at 2:09 am #736851
I hear where you are coming from and I hope it is possible to do that.
For the record, I only posted this as a tribute to yossi z, (his parents aren’t divorced BH) and as of now it isn’t an issue because we’re more than 1,000 miles away, yet I will keep this piint in mind if the situation does ariseFebruary 6, 2011 3:17 am at 3:17 am #736852nfgo3Member
tamazaball: Anyone who gives you advice on the basis of the skimpy bit of information you have provided about your parents is a nudnik.February 6, 2011 8:39 am at 8:39 am #736853aries2756Participant
nfgo3, you don’t need to know anything about her parents to advise her on what is best for her OWN family unit. This is just the beginning of things to come. So it is up to her and her siblings to decide to have peace and harmony in their own homes.
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