Do Boy & Girld Need Exact Same Hashkafa?
Home › Forums › Shidduchim › Do Boy & Girld Need Exact Same Hashkafa?
- This topic has 21 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 11 months ago by ramateshkolian.
July 6, 2010 1:10 am at 1:10 am #591912SgrothMember
Do you think the girl and the boy who are dating need to agree hashkafically on all points? If they respect each other a lot.July 6, 2010 3:08 am at 3:08 am #689048rtParticipant
that would seem to be impossible; the best possible scenerio for your question is do they have to agree on mostJuly 6, 2010 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #689049WolfishMusingsParticipant
Of course not.
Even after close to twenty years of marriage, Eeees and I don’t agree on all points hashkafically.
Of course, people may have certain hashkafic lines that they don’t want their future spouses to cross, but there has to be *some* room for variation… or else your search for a spouse is going to take a lot longer than you originally planned.
The WolfJuly 6, 2010 2:21 pm at 2:21 pm #689050bptParticipant
I would feel comfortable with 90% agreement on the fundametals (hair coverings, hechshairim, TV / Movies yes or no) and the remaining 10% (how much time spent learning each day, what flies with the kids, ect) should be a give and take as the couple grows.
We have 20+ years behind us, and still don’t see eye to eye on each and every point. Some areas are my domain, some are hers. But the fundamentals are pretty much in syncJuly 6, 2010 3:41 pm at 3:41 pm #689051apushatayidParticipant
The fundamentals, (halacha, how to raise kids IE chasidish, litvish, sefardi)yes, but things like, paper or plastic on shabbos, can be worked out by mature adults.July 6, 2010 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm #689052
Important thing that will matter to you in 20 years from now must match. But other little stuff you’ll work out as you go along in the marriage.July 6, 2010 7:12 pm at 7:12 pm #689053Derech HaMelechMember
I think that as long as you don’t appear radically different from each other then most hashkafic issues can be compromised on. I think it is more important that your goals should be in the same direction. I think anyway in most shidduchim each side will always have its nekudos that he/she is better/worse in.
Just that the similarities should outweigh the differences so that you can have a united front in everything you do.July 6, 2010 10:52 pm at 10:52 pm #689054oomisParticipant
No, but it helps if there is not a WIDE difference. The united front idea is very impotant, especially in raising children.July 7, 2010 4:13 am at 4:13 am #689055charliehallParticipant
The answer is “No”. My wife and I met on frumster.com and had checked different hashkafah boxes. My rav went to YU, her rav went to Lakewood. Her hashkafah is somewhat to my right; her politics are somewhat to my left. I will open up a Mishnah Berurah for enjoyment; she will open up Rebbe Nachman’s stories. But we are both committed to precise observant of mitzvot, and we both respect each other.July 7, 2010 4:14 am at 4:14 am #689056charliehallParticipant
I perhaps should add that neither my wife nor myself had watched television in years when we met.July 8, 2010 12:30 am at 12:30 am #689057mosheroseMember
Yes they do. How canyou marry some1 whose hashkafah is different than yours? How can you agree on how to raise the kids or run the house?July 8, 2010 4:55 pm at 4:55 pm #689058bptParticipant
Moshe, you surprise me!
Of course you can marry someone whose hashkafa is differnt than yours.. all you do after sheva brachos is tell her, its my way or the highway!July 8, 2010 5:01 pm at 5:01 pm #689059SJSinNYCMember
LOL BPTotty. Thats more of a MR response!
TO answer, no you don’t. But all the “mixed” couples I’ve known over the years (including my own marriage) generally end up settling somewhere in the middle.July 9, 2010 2:41 am at 2:41 am #689060
to a certain extent.
quite frankly, we have yet to see a mizrachi boy marry a satmar girl…………… (or vice versa)July 9, 2010 3:10 am at 3:10 am #689061
Oyvey-ive seen those too and they’ve worked out beautifully. But these couple know beforehand what they’re commiting too and agree to each other’s differences.
It usually is done for a reason though that 2 extreme opposites get married.July 9, 2010 3:22 am at 3:22 am #689062
smartcookie- thats wonderful!!! kein yirbu!!July 9, 2010 3:24 am at 3:24 am #689063
but that is quite hard to imagine that someone who holds that medinat yisrael is a maaseh satan, will get along (and live peacefully with) someone who will want their kids to say hallel…………July 9, 2010 3:48 am at 3:48 am #689064
This should be the biggest argument we have with our spouse!!July 9, 2010 2:27 pm at 2:27 pm #689065
amenJuly 9, 2010 7:01 pm at 7:01 pm #689066popa_bar_abbaParticipant
exact same hashkafa? good luck with that.July 11, 2010 3:23 pm at 3:23 pm #689067
but i wouldnt want the satan living in my house………..July 11, 2010 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #689068ramateshkolianMember
I find it so interesting that people who have been married for over twenty years come on this blog…I can’t imagine my father or mother ever doing that…they don’t have the time and would rather give over their thoughts to real people who really want to learn from them. As a bored Kollel wife this is my entertainment, but I hope I wont have time for this in twenty years…I hope I will be contributing to Klal Yisrael in a more meaningful way… no offense, it’s just interesting to me.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.