Do I have a right to be upset?

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  • #608754

    Parshaman
    Member

    I’m not huge into the whole shidduch system but a family friend wanted to set me up with a relative from a different state and I agreed. Without going into details it ended up that the soonest we’d be able to meet would be a month later, not wanting to sit and wait for a month for no reason I suggested maybe a skype meeting just to make sure I wasnt waiting a month for nothing. I was told not to worry and that the trip would be worth it. So I waited and I ended up going through a lot of travel issues, changed flight schedules and 6 hours of driving later I found my way there. The date was ok not amazing but not so bad and I had been told beforehand that there would be at least two dates. The next day (while I’m still not too far away) I get a call that she didn’t want a second date, saying there was nothing bad about me but I was “too outgoing”

    I understand that everyone has to make choices that are best for them when dating, but you would think after telling someone to wait for you for a month and then having them go through all the trouble of traveling that you would at least give them a second date before deciding. Obviously this isnt the right person for me and I should thank Hashem for not putting me with the wrong person, but do I have a right to be upset?

    #940531

    TheGoq
    Participant

    Yes.

    #940532

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    You’re the guy. You should have made her travel. (Or at least you should tell this friend that from now on the girl is always traveling, just to make them mad.)

    #940533

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Yes, but consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to spend any more money on her. May this Yom Tov of Geula take you out of this personal “galus” .

    #940534

    All people have a right to be upset all the time. There is no limit on the right to be upset.

    #940535

    SaysMe
    Member

    yep. Tell your friend he promised you a second date, and push for it if you still want it

    #940536

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Yes, but you aren’t so familiar with shidduch dating. I think you shouldn’t have waited a month for a date. I’m a girl and wouldn’t do that. You check references and then go out at soon as possible. It’s not impossible for the girl to come meet you halfway either.

    Better to Skype or something, at least then you have an idea if you’d like the other person.

    #940537

    kwaiker
    Member

    Skype is sick. If you want to understand the person a telephone call suffices. Skype is for measuring her meat value.

    #940538

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    If you want to understand the person a telephone call suffices. Skype is for measuring her meat value.

    I’m not sure I agree there is no value to skype except meat value. But even granting that, wouldn’t you rather know right away if your going to be rejected for that than have a telephone relationship for a month and then be rejected.

    #940539

    Parshaman: Yup.

    Veltz Meshugener: 🙂

    kwaiker:

    Dates are sick. If you want to understand the person a telephone call suffices. Dates are for measuring her meat value.

    #940540

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Dates are sick. If you want to understand the person a telephone call suffices. Dates are for measuring her meat value.

    +1

    #940541

    WIY
    Member

    Dates are for measuring her meet value.

    #940542

    Brony
    Participant

    lol girls be cray.

    #940543

    Brony
    Participant

    lol meat value. on point.

    #940544

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Kwaiker: If someone’s going for meat value, it doesn’t matter if it’s on Skype or in real life. And the possibility of that is balanced out by the unfairness of wasting a person’s money and time.

    #940545

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    If someone’s going for meat value, it doesn’t matter if it’s on Skype or in real life.

    And if they aren’t, they you don’t want to marry them anyway.

    Seriously women: Don’t you want a husband who thinks you are beautiful? Do you really want your husband to think you are ugly–even if he doesn’t care?

    (pro-tip: he does care)

    #940546

    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    “it doesn’t matter” note that that can be read two ways

    Popa – I completely agree. Looks certainly do matter. I was being facetious.

    Here I’m speaking for girls who think it shouldn’t matter – and for kwaiker above who claims to think that it shouldn’t matter. So I provided an additional justification for Skype.

    #940547

    147
    Participant

    When someone comes all the way from out of town, you owe that person an entire weekend, and not just 1 date.

    But were you Parshaman in regular phone contact with this person before venturing out? As a general rule, if the date entails out of town travel, have several phone dates before budging anywhere.

    Beleive it or not, most of their problems & issues do yes travel down the phone line, and cannot be hidden even over the phone line.

    #940548

    Parshaman
    Member

    I didn’t push for a second date because it would be kinda awkward to go on a date knowing the person never wanted to be there in the first place and also if someone doesn’t want to do something I don’t feel its right to force them even if its something they really should do. I’m only upset now because it just happened but I’m sure I’ll get over it and one day I’ll tell my wife the story and it will be one of those funny shidduch stories, maybe Itll get into one of those shidduch books.

    #940549

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I didn’t push for a second date because it would be kinda awkward to go on a date knowing the person never wanted to be there in the first place

    When I first came to the yeshiva, there was an alter bochur who never came to shachris, and also once a similar thing happened to him while dating. So he did push for the second date, and then took her on a 3 hr walk in high heels and never bought her a drink, and then dropped her off a block from her house because it was “too hard to go around the block”, and then told the shadchan he didn’t want to go out again because she is ugly and why did he even set her up with him to begin with.

    #940550

    Brony
    Participant

    dis alta bochur sound like a boss. you’re lucky to have known him.

    #940551

    ShalomToYou
    Member

    I think the two things are not related. Waiting a month, travel issues etc all that was up to you, you didn’t have to do it if you didn’t want to. However once you meet and one side does not want to continue there’s no reason to force a second date. And btw if you wanted a second date you should make sure you have a commitment before you travel.

    I’m curious what you would say if it were reversed and YOU didn’t want a second date. I’ve been pushed to go a second time when I didn’t want to and no ‘miracle’ happened on the second date. Just a waste of time and energy.

    ‘Do I have the right to be upset?’ Silly to carry it around. Just forgive and forget

    #940552

    FrumGeek
    Member

    Wow. That is just… awful! Yes, you have EVERY right to be upset! However, live and let live if probably the best policy. You wrote about it, got it out of your system, now its time to let it go.

    #940553

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    But is this not also form Hashem? When people do irrational things, isn’t that the biggest sign it is from Hashem? For some reason Hashem felt you needed this test now. Accept with Emunah BItachon, daven for each of you to find the right shidduch and hopefully in the zechus of passing the nisayon you will be zoche to the right shidduch soon!!!

    Upset?? That’s not a success in nisayon…….

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