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Are husbands supposed to tell their wives that they washed the dishes, or polished the silver, or swept the floor, or just have their wives look around and think for themselves what was done? My husband thinks that if the floor looks clean than it’s obvious that he swept the floor. My opinion is that wives are too busy taking care of the house or children to notice what was done around the house. Also, what is the big deal in telling your wife what you did if she asks? Now what does the coffee room say?
mra01385, Husbands want to be appreciated as much as wives do. As a wife we don’t necessarily go around showing appreciation to our husbands for going out to work day after day doing their regular ordinary day to day job. So if our husbands pitch in around the house and do things that WE ordinarily do, they should absolutely be recognized for it and appreciated. If you were called into your husband’s office because the secretary was out sick, you would want to feel appreciated for helping out wouldn’t you? If you filed away a stack of papers at work, and put a stack of files away, and closed out the months or sent out all the invoices or whatever else pertains to your husband’s business would you not like to be recognized for your efforts?
Whenever anyone lends a hand one should always show appreciation, how much more so, should one acknowledge their loved ones especially their spouse? This goes for both genders. A spouse that is respected and appreciated will “want” to help more and do more. A spouse that is NOT recognized will not make an effort again.
If it was me and whether I was asked or not, the answer is still -No!
Like I said – you can count on me to Not do a thing!
mra01385, is it that hard to notice when the house you left alone in your husband’s care is clean????? Yes YOU should notice it yourself. He shouldn’t have to tell you. Would you notice if he did NOT clean up?????
A person should always try to notice things that their spouse does for them, and thank them for it. Even for the most basic and trivial action.
You can never count on a woman to notice anything except that you came home late, or that her checks to Nordstrom are bouncing.
Woman do not think.
I think I get your question mra01385.
Obviously we should notice that the dishes were done when we come in the house from doing groceries. But sometimes when we don’t notice the obvious I think that it’s just because we are a bit absent minded, too many thoughts running in our heads, we are thinking of whet to do next… It might even be that sometimes we are so tired from being out shopping that all we want to do once we get home is to just relax. This is just one example obviously but maybe we can apply it to other things.
However, those who don’t notice things as easily should get in the practice of beeing on the “lookout” of what your husband might have done in the house. And if your still not sure, then say, “hum, somethnig feels/looks differnet in the house. Did you do something honey”? Then at least he will think you noticed (if he did anything) =)
Hope I made sense and answered your question.
He should say, but for her sake.
Technically, we know of the rule that Hanosen Matana Lachaveiro Tzarich Lehodio — if you give a freind a present you should let him know. However he would probably feel silly, as if he were trying to solicit a compliment. On the other hand, though, considering that this would give her burden of having to be on alert, and she feels terrible whenever she notices it too late, it would be kind of him to just let her know.
Sounds complicated?
mra: I think you should be able to ask your husband what it was he did, and he should tell you. I disagree with the others that you have to notice what was done. If you notice yourself, then great, if you don’t but want to show appreciation and therefore have to ask, great too. It’s the ones that notice (husbands & wives) and don’t acknowledge, that is bad.
lol… funny topic. You both are obviously very busy and doing a great job. Do something special for Chanuka to have some fun together.
Both husbands and wives (and mothers and fathers) should make a concerted effort to notice the things that we do for each other and express our appreciation. Yes, even for things we take for granted that must be done every day. If we cannot notice and appreciate these things that the people in our lives do for us, how can we notice and appreciate what the RBSO does for us every minute of every day?
I believe there is a Gemara that states if you do something for someone you should let him know as this fosters good will and feeling. Would assume that this most certaintly can apply between spouses.
mra01385
I think you should make it a point to notice if he helped out. People appreciate it when their help is noticed and it encourages them to continue helping out. (It also feels kind of odd sometimes to anounce it…)
The same way how a mother would make it her business to notice if her child cleaned up the kitchen, she should notice if her husband helped. People like when their work is acknowledged, no matter their age.
BTW, the husband should mention it to his wife if she happens not to notice it once in a while. Why shouldn’t she know what you took the time to make things easier for her?
this is a great question. I always feel bad when i “forget” or dont acknowledge what my husband does. I usually notice when he does help around the house. There are times when he’ll do the dishes while i’m doing something else and i’ll only notice it later when he’s not home and forget to thank him when he comes home. Or there are times when i’m so distracted that i’ll walk into the clean room or notice the floor polished out of the corner of my eye and i just dont acknowledge it! I’m 100% wrong and i’m working on myself to appreciate what my husband does.
There are times when my husband will be so proud of what he did and say something like ‘I was able to get all the grime off the crock pot! Did you notice?’ And then the guilt comes in and i get insulted that he’s reminding me…cant explain the feeling.
Ilovecoffe, you make a very good point. If you don’t notice exactly what was done, you can say something like “it looks different in here since I left, what did you do, honey?” or something like that. Or since you know that he tries to help you, make a mental note of how you leave the house without expecting anything. Write some things down in the car like “dishes, laundry, beds” and then before you leave the car glance at your notes, it might help you to notice when you walk inside.
I feel that if a spouse did an action for the good of the two, the other one should at least try to keep an eye out to notice it. This way ur each making effort ones doing and the other ones is noticing. people feel appreciated more being noticed for what they did than if they tell you I did such and such for you.
I’m not married, but based on my current personality I probably wouldn’t notice.
Being noticed is always better. If a woman picks up the dry cleaning for her husband and he says “I noticed you picked up my suit for me from the cleaners, thanks so much”, she will feel it was worth the trip. If things don’t get noticed a woman also feels taken for granted. If a husband forgets to say “Honey, dinner was delicious, thank you”, how much effort does the wife keep putting into making delicious dinners? After all the husband doesn’t really notice or care, right? He just eats whatever is put in front of him and is never grateful for the effort involved.
My husband recently asked my nephew the chosson what he learned from his Chosson Rebbe. He replied the 3 A’s, “Attention, Affection and Appreciation”. It works both ways.
PBA, how did you allow a thread like this to get started by someone other than yourself?
No they dont
aries, I absolutely agree that noticing these things that a spouse does, and thanking him/her for them, can really make a huge difference.
It’s interesting, this topic is very much along the lines of my essay on being perceptive- http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/being-perceptive-its-amazing
Goq-your posts always give me a great laugh-thanks!
Ty BSD appreciate it!
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