do you confront someone when they hurt you?
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- This topic has 23 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by OneOfMany.
October 30, 2011 5:36 am at 5:36 am #600244
A friend of mine did something which really hurt me and idk I can’t get over how chutzoadik it was and I’m usually the forgive and forget type but this involves her going to my fiance behind my back….anyways what do I do, she may have had good intentions and I don’t want to yell and scream but this hurt I feel is becoming so overwhelming and I just don’t know how to deal…feedback please?!?!October 30, 2011 5:59 am at 5:59 am #822701ZeesKiteParticipant
I was in the same ‘matzav’ two weeks ago. I saw 2 friends talking to another. As soon as I approach, this individual starts ‘showering’ me with insults such as I’ve never experienced before. I was literary beet red. I was shaking. I was SOOO embarrassed! I couldn’t even think straight. After I stumbled away, this person comes over to me and says “I really meant what I said. You shouldn’t have listened in to my conversation..”
OUCH!! (x10)October 30, 2011 6:07 am at 6:07 am #822702kapustaParticipant
For my simple opinion and nothing else, I think you should say something. Separate your anger from the point you want to bring out (I never said it was easy) and do it. If something is bothering you this much that makes it more than a “nothing”, and without knowing details, I wonder what kind of friend she is if she went to your fiance behind your back.
Good luckOctober 30, 2011 6:18 am at 6:18 am #822703Busy As A BeeParticipant
Did u try to talk to her to find out why she did it?October 30, 2011 8:37 am at 8:37 am #822704commonsenseParticipant
zeeskite, this is probably no comfort but if you are ever in such a situation that is a premium time to give a brocha. I have read and heard that someone who is being embarrassed and gives a brocha to someone who needs a yeshua, at that time it is a huge segula for that brocha to be mekuyam.October 30, 2011 8:43 am at 8:43 am #822705m in IsraelMember
The Baalei Mussar learn from the story of Yosef and the Shevatim that if someone has taanos on someone else it is better to express them (keeping it in your heart while acting friendly may even be considered chanifa). However your goal should be to try to deal with the hurt and maybe either heal or end the relationship — not just to “yell and scream” and get back at her.
As hard as it is, try to approach her calmly, in a private place, and give her a chance to explain. Keep the focus on your feelings, not on how awful she is. For example you can say something to the effect that “I was very hurt to find out that you did xyz. I’m sure you didn’t intend to hurt me, but it made me feel like you were . . . (backstabbing me, interfering in my life, etc. — describe how you feel). I would really like to understand why you did this so that I can feel better about it.” Maybe she will have a good explanation, and if not you should just end the conversation with something to the effect of “I’m glad I got this out in the open.” Try not to get sucked into a bigger fight.
Good luck!October 30, 2011 8:52 am at 8:52 am #822706NechomahParticipant
Since you don’t think you can talk to her to find out more information without “yelling or screaming”, is there a third party who can help you find out what she felt was so important that she had to go behind your back to your fiance to talk to him about? Doesn’t she realize that you are at a highly emotional time of your life. Being a kallah is one of the most special times of a woman’s life, but it can be highly stressful, with all the preparations, right up til the big day. Plus, whether or not you are seeing your fiance during this period, there are always little emotional issues that come up during this time and can be magnified by just such a situation as your friend has caused for you. I am assuming that she is single since she seems to be unaware of this (but that does not mean that a well-intentioned but misguided married friend could not cause a similar problem as well). I think you should try to find someone who can help you investigate the situation a little to try and help you get an idea of her intentions and maybe you will be able to find a zechus for her and that might help you calm down before you go off the deep end when you talk to her. All the best.October 30, 2011 12:24 pm at 12:24 pm #8227072scentsParticipant
Without any specific info it’s really difficult to answer.
However you have little to lose by confronting your ‘friend’ since either things will straighten out, or you officially lose her.October 30, 2011 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #822708ZeesKiteParticipant
Thanks, I did actually (quietly), to one I know who needs a shidduch, but she’s still not engaged (I want my money back!). Furthermore the hurt still lingers. Every time I pass this person, it comes back, rewinding and playing from 00:00 until the end, with all details and emotions!October 30, 2011 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #822709brotherofursParticipant
usually when someone hurts my feelings people tell me to confront the person but i never end up doing that.
i end up just thinking about the situation.
one of these may help, they always do for me.
1- realize that theyre just a messenger and HAshem is trying to send you a message
2- you were meant to go through this and every test Hashem gives you , your are able to pass [maybe the test is not to get angry at the person ect.]
3- judge the perosn favorably and think of all possible good reasons why she would have done this [maybe shes having a hard time at home now, or maybe she really wouldnt think it would hurt you ect.]
4- appreciate. [take the time to thank Hashem that this only happened once and b”H you dont have to go through this with all your friends]
5- pray to Hashem to help you forgive the perosn and that it shouldnt happen to you againOctober 31, 2011 2:26 am at 2:26 am #822710aries2756Participant
CS, did it cause a rift between you and your chosson? Did she disclose a secret that you never wanted revealed to him? Is the offense what she told him or the fact that she went behind your back? If the offense is that she caused a problem between you and your chosson then you should take the issue to your Rav and ask him to speak to her because that is serious business. If the issue is that she went behind your back and that is crossing a line of trust with you then I suggest that you speak to her and let her know that what she did was extremely disrespectful to you and to your Chosson. Let her know that she crossed a line and that is totally unacceptable. Let her know that you can’t maintain a relationship without respect. Depending on her response you will have to choose whether you want her in your life or not and whether you want to keep up the friendship.October 31, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #822711
i feel as though she went behind my back because….she asked him for money for my shower, i think that is way out of line. i just think its inappropriate and its not the first time, he mentioned once that she asked him to buy something for us. i feel like she is taking advantage of my fiance because he is such a good person and he will always give, hed give the shirt off his back but that doesnt give her a right to ask for it. i feel like she went to far by asking him for money to buy me a present that I DO NOT WANT…wait it gets better….I cant even return it now, wooohooo so im left with a $500 appliance that i dont want, ebay anyone!?!? im just so frustrated with her. shes a really good girl and has good intentions and she worked so hard on my shower and i am so appreciative but ahhhhhhhhhhhh i just cant deal with it anymore i am going to loose my mind!! i feel like if i say anything to her, she will think i am unappreciative. i spoke to my fiance and he said he gave her money because he wants to make me happy, which is really super sweet but i felt like she used him and it just bothers me to no end and on top of that my friends are all fighting with each other over my shower and wedding stuff…so basically the happiest time of my life i am beyond overwhelmed, stressed and sad. i did get a really awesome massage the other day but that was only temporary relaxation…October 31, 2011 8:02 am at 8:02 am #822712tahiniMember
Cshapiro- as a Mother I was getting worried until I read your last post, thank goodness it is much better than it could and best of all you fiance sounds a good natured sweet young man, the most important thing of all. Sorry about the fuss pre-wedding, as simchas approach friends as well as family can get rather busy and unwittingly change the mood to one of tension and stress. STOP and THINK you are blessed with a fine fiance and some rather silly but well meaning friends. Step back from the friends, be polite, sure stay close to those you trust and care for but as you approach your wedding think of the bigger picture. You and your future husband together, if you think of your friend as someone to tolerate and indulge, rather than a close confidante it will help you, she means well but she is not you and you do not need to waste time thinking about her. the shower and gifts are all lovely, but sorry to say unimportant be they
$5 or % $500, you are getting married and are a lucky lovely girl. It is the happiest time of your life an it is just beginning, honestly to find a good man is everything. I have lots of daughters, and often girlfriends have tried to do so much to make their engagements and weddings extra special, all of which has been unnecessary. Easier said than done, but show your fiance he is your main focus in life, your friend will back off because she has to. Sure you can show her your appreciation for he shower etc, but this is small fry, you are about to build a Jewish home, treat her gently but remember this is your time and your future, a lot of other things to think of. Wishing you MazeltovOctober 31, 2011 10:15 am at 10:15 am #822713kapustaParticipant
While what she did was not a “best cast scenario”, it’s probably the best case scenario of someone going behind your back. If this was the second time she did it, explain to her that you don’t like being left out of the plans (between her and your fiance. A totally legitimate excuse if you ask me- whether you feel that way or not) and if she could please include you next time she feels it’s time for you to get a new gift.
Explain to your fiance that you want her to come to you, not him, in the future and if it comes up again to tell her to talk to you. (Tell him exactly what you said here- that you feel she’s going behind your back and you don’t like it.)
This one might be a little far out, but if you feel the shower is so stressful, tell your friends you don’t want one. Maybe it means collecting money with no shower or if it’s too late, tell them to go with whatever they have already and keep it at that. It’s really nice for everything to be nice and fun, but IMO it’s more important for everyone (mostly you, but everyone else too) to be happy. If it’s causing more trouble than it’s worth, get rid of it.October 31, 2011 1:14 pm at 1:14 pm #822714smartcookieMember
I believe you should tell your friend not to try this again. She’ll get over it if you say it respectfully$
Maybe you can work it through your Chossen. Ask him to confirm with you before he does her a favor again. That way you’ll tell him to either go ahead or refuse.October 31, 2011 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #822715
thank u smartcookie finally someone who understands…all the other people i told were also shocked that she could have asked…my other friend working on the shower was gonna go behind this friends back and tell my fiance no to do it, but she didnt want to cause anymore drama. so basically it is what it is and i know ill get over it, i guess i just wanted to vent to my cr friends, i am shocked that popa didnt comment lol 🙂October 31, 2011 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #822716HealthParticipant
cshapiro -“she asked him for money for my shower, i think that is way out of line.”
This would be way out of line if an older woman did this, let alone a young person. The whole purpose of the shower is for people on the Kallah’s side to give things to her.
I would drop her as a friend. With friends like these -who needs enemies?October 31, 2011 5:11 pm at 5:11 pm #822717BTGuyParticipant
I say ask a Rabbi. Depending on the details they may say something to the effect that it is a tremendous merit for you not to respond about it and look at it as a kapara. Other times it may be ok to seek clarification to address what may be a misunderstanding or an oversight not intended to upset where the other person may be more than willing to explain some misunderstanding or oversight on their part and clear the problem up right away. Even call Bais Horaah or something like that.October 31, 2011 7:25 pm at 7:25 pm #822718aries2756Participant
It sounds like your friend was overwhelmed and did go overboard. Speak to your chosson first and tell him that in the future he should please come to you if anything like this happens again because they don’t know you as well as they think they do and at best they want you to have what they would like to have. So he should check these things out with you first because you don’t want anyone hitting him up for money making him feel that he is doing it for you when it is really doing it to appease their need. It is better that the two of you don’t keep secrets from each other. So the best thing would be for him to say “I’ll think about it and get back to you and then discuss it with you”. This way you can appreciate the fact that your friends want the best for you even though you are angry that they would go to such lengths to get it, you can put an end to it by coaching your chosson how to stop it. In other words he can say “I asked “C” if we registered for kitchen appliances would she choose this or this and she laughed at me and said I would never use ….”
In this way he can guide them back into normalcy and tell them they should really ask you what you want before they make themselves crazy and stress you out in the process.October 31, 2011 8:04 pm at 8:04 pm #822719smartcookieMember
Cshapiro- I thought about this again and decided that the best way is definitely to talk to your Chosson. Your friend will probably not understand why you are so horrified.
You might as well stay good friends with her, and at the same time prevent something like this from happening again.
I just hope your Chosson didn’t think the you sent your friend to get some $$ out of him! Boy, I’m making matters worse, am I not? 😉October 31, 2011 9:05 pm at 9:05 pm #822720charlie brownMember
i am shocked that popa didnt comment lol 🙂
since Popa didn’t take the bait, I’ll respond for him.
If she’s married or a kalla, ask her husband/chosson to buy her a $500 appliance. If he agrees, tell him you can save him the hassle of shopping for one – you happen to have one for sale right now.
If she’s single, you now have some great reasons to find her a shidduch fast – to be able to unload your appliance, get revenge and, if she’s older, get some big $$ from NASI.October 31, 2011 11:42 pm at 11:42 pm #822721popa_bar_abbaParticipant
i am shocked that popa didnt comment lol 🙂
Sorry C, I wasn’t reading this thread. But I was alerted to my media mention.
I have no opinion.November 1, 2011 12:57 am at 12:57 am #822722mommamia22Participant
Judging from the nature of the imposition, my guess is that until you are married this is bound to come up again. That being said, although I do think it merits a conversation with her about what makes you uncomfortable (her asking your chassan for money), I also believe you have to know your “customer”. There are some people who just have trouble hearing mussar, and it’s like talking to a brick wall. Is this someone who has personal insight? Furthermore, do you foresee her inappropriateness coming up in other ways post-wedding?? If so, it comes down to talking with her (if you think it will help) or distancing yourself from her.
Interestingly, when I read your second post of her “avairahs, I actually thought, in some ways, how lucky you are to have friends who “do too much” or fight over responsibilities. My mother had to call my close friends to help with things. They just weren’t the type to take charge.
The truth is, if your chassan is cool with it, I’d say “don’t sweat it too much”. He’s got to be a big boy and stand up for himself (and you need to let him) or after marriage you’re liable to maximize this role of protector of people taking advantage of your sweetie (and it may be fun for now, but it can grow tiresome and irritating if he doesn’t stand up for himself ). I’d let him practice this role now and try to adjust to his being a laid back personality.November 1, 2011 1:30 am at 1:30 am #822723OneOfManyParticipant
charlie brown: XD
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