October 27, 2013 4:37 pm at 4:37 pm #611054
heres the story.. this is abt some silly shadchanim. i know what i want and i explain my self to them but they set me up with boys who are the opposite or have half of what i want.. and i tell them and they say soooooooooo he has good middos… who cares if he doesnt … hell make a great father/husband. or one said to me once i couldnt find what u want so maybe ull consider this guy(really not shayach!!)-NO i dafka gave the basic values im looking for im not picky! common at the end of the day its my life and the person i have to live with. dont these shadchanim have more experience than to be so stupid? can anyone relate???October 27, 2013 5:20 pm at 5:20 pm #997718
You may think you’re not being “picky” but it sure sounds like you are. Look, I find the whole idea of going into shidduchim with a shopping list offensive. My advice is to listen to the shachanim. You may think that you know better but I guarantee that you’re wrong. I have yet to see the day when a nineteen-twenty year-old sprout of a girl knows more than an experienced shadchan.October 27, 2013 6:50 pm at 6:50 pm #997719
im not 19 and i know what i want.. i know myself. im more mature and ive been through alot more than ppl my age. its just annoying when they dont validate my values.. u think wanted a full time lerner is being picky? someone who wears a hat and jacket to daven is asking for too much?October 27, 2013 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #997720jewishfeminist02Member
Redleg, I respectfully disagree. No matter how experienced the shadchan is, she is not EVER going to know more than the girl (who, by the way, could easily be older than twenty, or could be a very mature twenty-year-old) about what she in particular needs in a spouse. The most important thing for girls in the parsha is to know who they are and what they want, and not to settle for something they don’t want just because all their friends are getting engaged. Shadchanim can be really hurtful and really pushy. Shidduchim is such an emotional roller coaster and it feels so unfair when everyone is trying to take control of the most important decision you will ever make.October 27, 2013 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #997721iknoMember
keepitcoming- it must be really frustrating for you, but remember it doesnt matter how many they set you up with, there’s one fabulous one waiting for you out there, its just a matter of time till he’ll come around…:) stay with your convictions because its something you’ll live with bezyras hashem for the rest of your life..you are completely right in being frustrated, just stay strong, and keep smiling!October 27, 2013 8:09 pm at 8:09 pm #997722the-art-of-moiParticipant
The only thing you NEED in a husband is a guy that is emotionally healthy, has good middos, has yiras shamayim, is not controlling, and has a set time to learn every day.
There are many things you may WANT but it is up to Hashem whether you’ll get them or not.October 27, 2013 9:59 pm at 9:59 pm #997723SaysMeMember
i know exactly what you’re talking about, and it IS frustrating to be suggested boys who are not in your field. Why are they suggesting the ones with only half your requests? Because theyve seen many many successful shiduchim where only half the requirements were met. If it’s totally not shayach, then say so. If its mostly great except for 1 or 2 points, maybe look into the guy and see what he’s about. After hearing more about him, those 2 points may become insignificant or worth overlooking for a date, to see if it could be.October 27, 2013 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #997724Little FroggieParticipant
I think the prospective in laws set you up with these, as a test – just to see how you’d react. They know your screen name.
Uh oh! Just blew another one.October 27, 2013 11:24 pm at 11:24 pm #997726yitzman1Member
The most unlikely of matches have been made before so I wouldn’t discount the shadchans motivation for sending you the resume.
Additionally, as a guy I get sent resumes from shadchanim that are way off and it is very frustrating. But ill look at them and make a decision. Shadchanim typically don’t know exactly what you’re looking for since they are involved in setting up many ppl at once, so they may just put you in a category (yeshivish, modern, chabad, etc.)
I don’t think you’re picky. Just don’t expect that every shadchan that sends resumes to you will be on target or even close. There’s always the delete button.October 28, 2013 12:39 am at 12:39 am #997727WIYMember
You are clearly in touch with the wrong shadchanim. If I were you I’d go shopping for new ones lol. Seriously though, I go through the guys version of this. Most shadchanim have no business being in the business. They just try to match up pants with skirt. Or if they think there’s something wrong with you they redt you someone with some issues. Its not easy.October 28, 2013 8:01 am at 8:01 am #997728👑RebYidd23Participant
You want a boy who will ask you to marry him.October 28, 2013 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #997729
You know what? Maybe we are all to hasty with our posts. What do you want?October 28, 2013 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #997730LevAryehMember
ive nvr seen a 19 or twnty yr old typ lik thtOctober 29, 2013 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #997731
thank you jewish femenist and ikno… its soo annoying im abt to be like hey he keeps shabbos some of the time thats great!..
the art of moi- ur exactly what im talking abt- those are YOUR values. i want and respect a different way of life.. some shadchanim just dont get it… i said fullf time lerner he sent me someone in college.. he said i couldnt find what ur looking for maybe youd go for this– huh!?!? how could that be interchagable?October 29, 2013 7:00 pm at 7:00 pm #997732
I can sorta sympathize, except that the suggestions I’m getting are from people that know me! And I’m like, if you know me why are you suggesting him???? It hurts. A lot. As does a lot of other things in this world. But hey! That’s what makes us stronger so I’m working on trying to make the most of it…October 29, 2013 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #997733LevAryehMember
I only keep shabbos about 1/7 of the time.October 29, 2013 10:45 pm at 10:45 pm #997734live rightMember
it hurts as well to not get any suggestions at all. alls quiet on the home front 🙂October 30, 2013 2:17 pm at 2:17 pm #997735
@live right – I’ll send some guys over to you! How about a “druggie with wild eyes”. Sounds like something you would be interested in? (That was quoted verbatim from someone who gave me info on a boy)
But in all seriousness, make the most of your single days! They won’t last forever and will be over sooner or later. I hope sooner 😉October 30, 2013 3:41 pm at 3:41 pm #997736live rightMember
@streekgeek: no thanks.
but that’s a little insane not just because people are suggesting them to you but because they are suggesting them at all. I don’t think a “druggie with wild eyes” sounds like hes ready for marriage. ATT world: if you think marrying someone off is going to solve their problems, it wont. it will turn one unhappy person into two. if you aren’t ready, dont start.October 30, 2013 6:18 pm at 6:18 pm #997737
I hear where you’re coming from, but if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s that people mean well. The person who suggested this particular boy knew him from a different setting than the person I got information from. While I definitely agree that a druggie getting married will only bring themselves and their spouses down, some people have plenty to gain from marriage, even if there are problems. I know a nice number of, let’s say, “disturbed” couples who’ve gotten married and literally grew up and matured together. So it really all depends on a million different factors, and no one is able to judge that.October 30, 2013 8:06 pm at 8:06 pm #997738rationalfrummieMember
It really is a nes greater than yam suf to find your zivug lolOctober 31, 2013 12:37 am at 12:37 am #997739the-art-of-moiParticipant
I’m sorry- I assumed that seeing as you are on the YESHIVA world, you would have the values that a person in the yeshiva world would have. Seeing as I was mistaken, I respectfully apologize.November 12, 2013 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #997740
“The only thing you NEED in a husband is a guy that is emotionally healthy, has good middos, has yiras shamayim, is not controlling, and has a set time to learn every day.
There are many things you may WANT but it is up to Hashem whether you’ll get them or not.”
taom- i would like to clarify -im saying i need/want/respect a full time learner and this one “shadchan” keeps sending me boys in college who technically have a set half hour to learn..November 12, 2013 6:54 pm at 6:54 pm #997741notasheepMember
It’s funny, but here it’s the opposite – most boys stay learning for a little while and that’s what the girls want/think they want. I davka knew I needed a working guy cause although I respect the kollel lifestyle, it just isn’t for me.
Maybe try overseas shadchanim?November 12, 2013 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #997742
Keepitcomming, you correctly differentiate between “wants” and “needs”. That’s Management 101. But you left out one very important, if not the most important, “need”. Chemistry. You’re not hiring an employee, you’re looking for your helpmeet, your ezer kenegdo, your life companion, the father of your children. “Emotionally healthy, good midos”, etc. are important but don’t leave out mutual attraction. Most married folks have occasions when they disappoint their spouse. Look at me. I’m no prize. I’m not always what my wife wishes I were (although I make an effort) and, truth be told, my wife has been known, on rare occasions, to disappoint me, but we’ve been married for 43 years and have, thank G-d, beautiful frum children and grandchildren and I couldn’t imagine not being married to her nor she to me. Whatever your “wants” and “needs” are, if you can find a shidduch like I did, you’ll be doing fine.January 8, 2014 6:37 pm at 6:37 pm #997743sem613Participant
btw keepitcoming, who is this shadchan that has working boys? I want one
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