Don’t Redt it if you Don’t Mean it

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    This situation happens often and is very disappointing for me! Pp come up to me at weddings or vorts ect…and ask what kind of boy I am looking for and then eagerly suggest names and ideas and push me to consider them. They even go as far as to say that they will redt the name for me and will pursue the idea! and at times when i am not so convinced its for me, these people will go at length to tell me all great stuff about the boy and why I should consider it ect…usually those conversations end on a hopeful note with them “promising” to get back to me with more info and updates…However, the next time I see these pp they either totally ignore our last conversation and make no mention of it and if I bring it up they just brush it aside with “hmm…ya i dunno…need to look more into it…” and “i’ll have to ask…im not sure”….Everytime this happens, its like another letdown because these people do not redt names seriously or are not willing to actually help pursue it!!

    Im not sure why they do that but its disappointing and hurtful at times!

    So when you redt a shidduch, or suggest a name…really do something about it! dont’ just say it but at least recommend that another person who should be the middle person in such a shidduch! stam to throw names and never follow up is just insensitive and reminds the single person that they are single…

    please be sensitive about that!


    ok…. having red many shidduchim myself, i see this situation in a bit of a different light. apparently the person you were speaking to either decided that for whatever reason you were not a match for the person he/she originally thought you were suited for, or he/she red the shidduch and got a no from the other end. the person suggesting the shidduch did not want to hurt you so they just beat around the bush.

    What they dont know is that this can actually cause more hurt than just being honest. It’s best to be honest with someone and say you realized they were not suited for each other than to keep the person wondering what happened. Communication! It’s not just for marriage. it’s for everyday conversations! dont just avoid getting back to someone. be a mentch! and be professional and give the person the decency of a response – even if it is not pleasant. Learn how to say it in a tactful way.


    skates; I couldn’t agree more! thanks for bringing this to light.

    It reminds me of the people who come visit someone when they’re sick,

    without asking if it is a good time to come, maybe they are in major pain,

    and at this time you are causing them uncomfort, or perhaps it is too late,

    as they were going to bed being exhausted, then you come over and keep them

    up for another hour. If your reason is that you care about the person,

    (not about feeling good about yourself)

    you make sure it’s a good time for them, even when being Menachem Aveilim H”Y.

    These people it seems want to feel good about themselves, telling someone later

    “Oh! I mentioned a few names to them already.”

    I’ve seen this happen, I know where it’s coming from.

    Although sometimes people are unintentionally insensitive.


    Pple that got engaged at a young age and never went through singlehood, cant understand you-period. Just like any other challenge. However, trust me, once you get married Hashem makes you forget the challenge. And so that is why many marriedd pple just cant understand their single friends or co-workers, even if they were single for a while themselves.


    Phyllis – “many marriedd pple just cant understand their single friends”

    You mean because they’re self centered?


    I don’t think it has anything to do with being self centered, it is very hard to put yourself into someone else’s shoes, especially a tough challenge. That is why pple make hurtful comments, I dont think they are trying to be mean, its just that they dont understand what pain you might be going through. “Some pple mean well, but end up being more mean than well…”


    i know ppl are very selfcentered they dont want to make shiduchim because there to lazy or think there better than them.


    Skates: I totally know what you mean but when people tell me “I have a great shidduch for u!” I stop them IMMEDIATELY and say “don’t tell it to me, tell it to a shadchan, ect…” And that saves a lot of unnecessary talk! Try it next time, it helps!

    Melechelmaklo: That doesn’t make the situation better just cuz they ‘realized’ their not for each other! Why tell it to the boy or girl?? To make them get their hopes up to be later on let down?? Its so insensitive!!


    skates I think you are one hundred percent right people love to suggest or just really talk and as soon as they leave they forget.In the meantime your hopes go up for nothing, next time you see them they forgot about the whole situation and that is the end of the story. Maybe they asked and they guy didn’t like the idea so they just make believe that they forgot. Who knows don’t worry Hashem knows why and that is the most important part, if it was meant it would have happened. Do not rush to marriage out of desperation Hashem has your zivug waiting for you and every single person in this world. May you find your partner soon.

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