April 3, 2011 1:18 am at 1:18 am #596080
I have felt so empty this shabbos. I hear all the married couples walking by with their husbands and strollers and I have… nothing.
I’m trying my hardest to even find myself shidduchim but even that’s not working. I don’t want to be jealous of people but I think that’s what is beginning to happen with me:(April 3, 2011 1:33 am at 1:33 am #755592truth be toldMember
Very sorry to hear about your situation. May Hashem send you all you yesuah very very soon.April 3, 2011 1:37 am at 1:37 am #755593SeahorseMember
I felt that way too 🙁April 3, 2011 1:38 am at 1:38 am #755594brotherofursParticipant
amen, your just not meant to yet, obviously it’s better for you this way 😉April 3, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #755595cofeefanMember
i feel the same way! i havent gotten even a phone call to suggest something in a VERY long time! its hard to think noone knows you exist! shidduchim is a HUGE test of emunah!
May Hashem help all those who need it and may you and anyone else that is feelimg empty find fullfillment and their bashsert SOON and it should be EASY!April 3, 2011 2:03 am at 2:03 am #755596
Omg- I’m so sad that other people feel this same way! I wish there was a way for us to swap tehillim names so we could daven for each other because doesn’t it say that if one davens for s/o else in the same predicament, he will be answered too?!
It is so so so hard right now, no phone calls- pesach is coming up. People keep saying they know guys for me but they’re not starting to date til after pesach but then after pesach they’ll have lists and lists and lists. I don’t know how to stay strong in this situation anymore.April 3, 2011 2:11 am at 2:11 am #755597aries2756Participant
Just a little story to keep you going. It is a true story. I think I mentioned it before. I have these amazing nieces. Two sisters who are very close. The younger sister got married last May and the older sister was very happy for her. But everyone was very confused what’s going on with her, she is tall, thin, gorgeous, emesdik, talented? Why can’t she chap a good shidduch. Now its not because the phone wasn’t ringing and she wasn’t going out. The guys she was going out with were just NOT “normal” according to her. They were too into themselves, too interested in cars and not real life, or just weren’t ready to commit. She was really getting hurt and disillusioned. I gave her my ruby ring before her sister’s wedding and told her that it would bring her good luck and she would meet her bashert very soon. Well it didn’t take long. She went over to a certain Rav to ask for a shidduch for a friend and he said I don’t have a shidduch for her but I do have someone for you. PS, she got married in March.
That is NOT the point of the story. The point of the story is this, SHE was the first girl that HE went out with. SHE had to wait for HIM to grow up and start dating. HE was out there all along. Hashem had a plan for her all along she just had to be patient. He was always within reach but it wasn’t the right time. When it was the right time,she found him.April 3, 2011 2:21 am at 2:21 am #755598
Thanks aries. Took the story to heart, am trying to wait patiently for the right time and the right one. Like I said b4, it is just hard not even having anything on the horizon:(April 3, 2011 2:42 am at 2:42 am #755599cofeefanMember
aries- im close to tear from reading ur post! u have no idea how much ur words touched me! ur point is very true and i am gonna remember that! thanks so much!
(can i have a ring frojm u too? lol just joking!)April 3, 2011 4:46 am at 4:46 am #755600individualMember
happiest, you don’t have ‘nothing’, I’ve read quite a few of your posts, and you’re thoughtful and a great person with many fine qualities. One thought that helps me is what one of my friends told me, “Shidduchim are like clothes, sometimes one doesn’t fit you, but you’ll find one that does. There is a better one out there for you.” I also feel that way sometimes when I see girls that I knew from highschool with their multiple children and husbands, especially when I haven’t gone out in months, but I could never live their lives, and I’m happy with my life and the way Hashem is guiding me. Know that you have so much to offer whomever you marry, and you are no ‘less’ than them. You are just as precious to Hashem and have a tafkid that is just as important. Even though I don’t know your tehillim name, I will have you in mind.April 3, 2011 5:11 am at 5:11 am #755601HIEParticipant
to all single girls: my sister was going out from 18 she dated for over four years and there were many times that there were a couple months with nothing in the horizon, and atleast once or twice that it appeared to be the right one but fell through. but after 4 and a half years she met the boy. and this boy was for her more then any of the other boys. and this boy had just come back from eretz yisroel so she HAD to wait for him for 4 and half years!! Hashem knows what is right for you and he will direct him straight to you when the time comes! KEEP STRONG!April 3, 2011 6:45 am at 6:45 am #755602maynishMember
im looking for a shidduch too..April 3, 2011 7:07 am at 7:07 am #755603smartcookieMember
Aries, your story reminds me of a relative who was also becoming so desperate and helpless. When the big day finally happened, she got engaged to a fresh, very young boy, straight out of Yeshiva!
she simply had to wait for him to grow up (unknowingly)!April 3, 2011 7:17 am at 7:17 am #755604always hereParticipant
smartcookie~ I know of a very similar story… we know the boy. (they recently had a baby, B’H.)April 3, 2011 7:22 am at 7:22 am #755605smartzMember
When I read this thread…i actually had a sigh of relief that Im not the only one feeling this way!
yes, i know many girls are single, but not many feel comfortable
to vent…or to be a listener to s/o who feels the need to vent!
so thank u all for ur courage to write about ur feelings…
Ya this shabbos was hard for me too…saying the rosh chodesh bentchin again reminded me that another month past and nothing on the horizon…another month past like the many many other months with no calls.
But I know deep down that Hashem is looking out for me! I know that nothing stands in His way- and that the moment He will decide, it WILL happen!
i have to keep reminding myself whose running the show, cuz s/t it feels like we’r so dependent on others in shidduchim- for our friends/neighbors/relatives to say good things about us, for well meaning people to give that “push” when needed, for those mothers to consider us, to make those calls! for those yentas, to stop
making us feel inadequate and make us another topic to discuss…
but in truth, its all a show,Hashem pulls all the strings!!! it can happen in blink of an eye…and like you girls, am waiting for the right one and I truly hope it will be soon for everyone!April 3, 2011 7:51 am at 7:51 am #755606PosterMember
I hope my story can make some of u feel better.
I was also in shidduchim for a long time. I didnt meet too many boys and the ones I met I dated for a while, looked promising and then nothing. It was very hard. I used to work crazy long hours to get my mind off of shidduchim.
Pesach was coming up and I knew that it’ a major time for dating since the boys come home from EY, but I didnt have a single date, not before pesach and not chol hamoed.
A couple of days After Pesach I went to a shiur, and the speaker was talking to me. She spoke about Nisyonos and the light in every challenge. i left the shiur so inspired and with so much emunah. When I got home, my parents were sitting on the couch. They told me that new name had been mentioned (NEW NAME?!?! that exists?) The boy was going back to EY, so we had to find out fast.
To make a long story short, B”H we got engaged! I was his first girl. Like the rest of the stories here, I had to wait for him.
Boy am I glad I did!!April 3, 2011 11:21 am at 11:21 am #755607morah reynaMember
I know exactly what you mean. At times we feel very left out. Is there any simple quick fix?April 3, 2011 12:09 pm at 12:09 pm #755608hanibParticipant
i think its a segulah to say ?? ???? on ????? of pesach. i used to try to say ?? ???? every day with a lot of kavanah, thinking that finding one’s ????? is ??? ?????? ?? ???. it would really help while i would imagine on the other side of the ?? ??? my ?????.
also, i know that this ????? is so difficult because you don’t know when it will end, but really it will end and you will see how everything all worked out together like in Aries’ story (and there are tons and tons of stories like that).
Also, reading ????? ??????, section on ?????? helped me a lot.
Keep strong. And let us know when you find the right person.
????? ? ???? ???April 3, 2011 12:37 pm at 12:37 pm #755609csilver1516Member
You mention that you’d like to switch names and daven for each other. There is an organization called “Daven for Me”. They match people in with similar situations and each davens for the other. They’re online. http://www.davenforme.org
May Hashem answer all our tefillas letova quickly!April 3, 2011 12:43 pm at 12:43 pm #755610
individual- I’m not sure what I meant by “nothing” but I think I might have meant that I have “nothing” in this department. I don’t have a lot going for me unfortunately but who knows, maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
maynish- we’re all in this together!
All I can say is that we should all trying staying positive (which it sounds like most are doing anyway) and keep our chins up.
WE CAN DO THIS AND WE WILL DO THIS, iy”H!!!!April 3, 2011 1:15 pm at 1:15 pm #755611gittiMember
Try sawyouatsinai.com and sign up for two of the local shadchans. They have good results.April 3, 2011 1:18 pm at 1:18 pm #755612gefenParticipant
Been there – done that. I too started dating at 19 with the hopes I’d be married by 20. But guess what? It wasn’t meant to be. I dated for years. There were times I had a few calls a week, but more often, months went by with no suggestions. I, too, felt empty -VERY EMPTY. My whole high school class was married, so were my other friends – YES – I was the ONLY one left! My time clock was ticking away. I was sure I would never get married and have children, chas v’shalom. What a horrible thought!!!
But when Hashem knew the time was right, He sent me my bashert. We are married and have 3 wonderful children.
I know this is easier for me to say now, but really – DON’T GIVE UP! DON’T DESPAIR! Keep davening. Daven for other singles as well, even if you don’t have their names. Just have the kavanah.
I hope to hear great news from all of you very soon!April 3, 2011 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #755613always hereParticipant
My daughter had been dating for about 2 years.. 13 boys.
I’m not a big learner, but I decided to learn from ‘Chofetz Chaim – A Lesson A Day’ daily for 40 days. Just about at the end of the 40 days, she was redt a shidduch, & they were engaged 2 1/2 weeks – 6 or so dates- later. That was almost 8 years ago. B’H!!
I promise this is true.
(I believe) my daughter’s biggest thing was to daven for CLARITY.April 3, 2011 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #755614
I am part of sawyouatsinai and have tried contacting support for a shadchan issue that keeps coming up. So far, I haven’t been answered once. I’ve tried contacting them MANY times! I’m getting turned off by this whole shidduch thing.
Why can’t it be easy???
csilver- thank you! I am going to check out that website.
Everyone has such inspiring stories. Maybe one day I’ll be able to post an inspiring one too, iy”HApril 3, 2011 2:00 pm at 2:00 pm #755615☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
My heart goes out to all those who need shidduchim and are trying so hard to stay strong.
As far as trading tehillim names, I have a suggestion, which can be done right here on YWN. Anyone can open a screen name specifically for this purpose (on a different thread, this idea was approved by a moderator) and either post the name in this thread or the “sticky” tehillim thread.
My suggestion would be for each post to contain a friend’s name as well, to retain some level of privacy, for those who wish.
Please remember that no immediate results are guaranteed, but what is guaranteed is that no tefillah or tehillim is ever wasted.April 3, 2011 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #755616Shticky GuyParticipant
happiest PLEASE believe that H’ has your best interests at heart, and once you find your bashert you will see the ‘?? ? .
I’ll give you a beautiful example to help people who find themselves in what they think is a difficult situation, from Reb Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld ??”?. This can give people chizuk in any situation.
When ???? and ???? davened for children, they had to daven many many times over a long period.
??”? asks why did they have to daven & wait so long? He answers that H’ loves the ?????? of ?????? .
Reb Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld ??”? gives another most amazing answer.
We all know that ????? ????? was to have lived to age 180 years, but H’ shortened his life by 5 years so he shouldnt have to see ???? with his wicked ways. So if ???? and ???? would have had their ?????? for children answered earlier then ????? ????? would have had to be ???? even earlier ?”?. And this is obviously not what anyone would have wanted. So their ?????? WERE answered, just that only H’ knew when was the best TIME to answer them!!!
Another short and beautiful vort is as follows:
Imagine you are ???? ?????? watching over ??? in the basket in the Nile. You would obviously hope that nobody will discover him and he can lie peacefully and undisturbed. After a while you notice a group of riders and a chariot heading along the costal road. It is too far away to make out who it is, but you hope they will continue and not see you or the basket.
Suddenely they turn down towards the Nile. What would anyone do? Whip out a ????? and begin davening that they dont come down near your hiding place. You recognize wicked ????’s daughter with her soldiers and daven like never before that they should not find you.
With hindsight, you are davening for the worst possible outcome for ??? ?????! Because the whole ???? of the Yiden is dependant on ????’s daughter seeing the basket, rescuing ??? and bringing him up in ????’s palace! So we would all be unwittingly asking for the wrong thing. What we, with our limited vision, perceive as the worst case senario is in reality the best thing that could happen.
So just cos we daven and dont APPEAR to be answered, dont give up. Keep davening and leave everything to ‘?.April 3, 2011 9:35 pm at 9:35 pm #755617Wondering…Member
Im part of this too, Ive been dating for 5 years.. Something that has really helped me, I know it sounds like it has nothing to do with anything but it has been a great inspiration to me and kept me in the right place. Read the Parshah inside every week and its commentaries and Divrei Torah. (The Stone Chumish is great to use). It is so inspiring, it will take some of your emptiness away. Good luck 🙂April 3, 2011 10:22 pm at 10:22 pm #755618gittiMember
You just have to continue your hishtadlus. If you tried at syas and it didn’t help, change shadchanim. Every shadchan there is independent and they all know different people. You can change shadchanim as often as you want. I would also suggest emailing as many of the shadchanim as possible. They will all review your profile and look whom they know for you. I have found this to work.April 3, 2011 11:00 pm at 11:00 pm #755619GumBallMember
oy!! my heart really goes out to people like u!!…:( may hashem grant u ur bashert very very soon…..:(April 4, 2011 12:54 am at 12:54 am #755620Midwest2Participant
Move out of New York. Actually, out of the whole New York area. Find a community where people know who you are and remember you once in a while. In NY people are so overwhelmed with their own personal issues that they have no time for people outside their own family.
I know many people who moved to NY to find shidduchim, but not so many who succeeded. In fact, one young person in my home town moved to NY but eventually moved back home in despair – to end up marrying someone from the next block, who’d been there all along :-). NY is too big – move somewhere human-sized.April 4, 2011 1:27 am at 1:27 am #755621His Royal HighnessMember
Midwest – You describe the exceptions, not the rule. In NY folks are no more overwhelmed then elsewhere. In NY there are far more folks involved in chesed and helping in all aspects than anywhere else outside EY. And in NY there is far more potential for shidduchim.April 4, 2011 2:52 pm at 2:52 pm #755622mytakeMember
Misery loves company…I hate the fact that I feel so at home in this thread….May we all find our bashert very soon!April 4, 2011 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #755623adorableParticipant
I once had a teacher who did not get married until much later in life when all her friends were already taking care of kids and stuff. when she got engaged she spoke to us and told us that it reminds her of a baby screaming for a bottle but the mother cannot give it to him yet- its just too hot! she said she likes to think about herself like that- her chosson was not ready and had to “cool” off a little before she can marry him! It happens to be that she married a baal teshuva so the story fit perfectly!
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