Ending a Shidduch process is a reason needed

Hi adams.

Great point.

Not only would it be good for the shadchen to know, I would also like to know why someone would call a shidduch off after six or seven dates. What profound deal killer was allegedly discovered? Six or seven dates tells me there is/was a connection.

Absolutely no obligation to even tell the shadchan that you broke it off. None of his business.

Now, if you feel like having an ongoing relationship, and you think it may help you, then by all means tell whoever whatever you want.

But if a shadchan has such an expectation, I’d say they are a real nosy person. (And that’s probably why they do shidduchim)

Not everyone is upfront with a shadchan about their reason for not going forward. They may want to spare embarrassment to the person they no longer wish to date, or they may themselves be embarrassed about their reasons (“I just am not attracted to him/her”), even though those reasons may be quite valid.

Hi adams.

I was thinking about that. Sometimes, in being nice, it is not so easy to be forthright and dates can go on longer and one grows closer while the other does not. Let’s hope this does not happen to anyone.

PBA- I have to say I disagree with you on this one.

I don’t mind. It’s happened before.

First of all, if a shadchan invests time and energy into a shidduch and you break it off, its only fair to tell him why you broke it off. Imho its a lack of hakaras hatov to just say no without telling him why.

I’m not sure where hakaras hatov comes in. I don’t see why the shadchan has any legitimate reason for wanting to know. I don’t think you have any obligation to fuel the shadchans disgusting snooping habit.

I also don’t really think that hakaras hatov works that way. If you do me a favor, I don’t owe you an obligation to do specific favors for you. I should thank you, but that doesn’t create an obligation to do any specific favor which you want from me. How about I express my hakaras hatov by sending flowers?

You seem to think that satisfying their revolting curiosity of prying into people’s lives, is somehow connected to the fact that they set you up. I see no connection.

(I think I know exactly one shadchan who doesn’t suffer from this horrible midda. This is l’toeles; shadchanim need to know what they suffer from. The gemara also points out the bad middos that afflict certain trades.)

Secondly, it will usually work to your advantage if the shadchan knows what was not to your liking so he can better match you up next time.

Irrelevant to the question of obligations.

Thirdly, on behalf of all those that talk about the shidduch crisis all day, if a shadchan tries and tries and doesnt know why his ideas arent working out, he will give up.

That is similar to number two, and also irrelevant to the question of obligations.

After 6 or 7 dates, why are they still dealing with the shadchan, shouldn’t they be talking to each other directly? “

Personally, I think they should be dealing with each other from the get go. People who cannot set up a date with each other on their own, after being recommended by someone, are not ready to get married (and I am not including chassidim, who have a whole different hashkafa of dating, which works for them).

Part of adult life for most of us, includes being able to make decisions, make phone calls and actually converse with someone, and yes, explain to someone why you no longer wish to date him/her, without going through a third party. 6 or 7 dates are not so many, in the scheme of things.

How can anyone demand a reason for a very personal decision. they definitely have no right. you dont need to be her test mouse for further shidduchim, and its not a tayna to reveal personal feelings.

I agree with that.

I’d add that it is even more important that after seeing someone enough times that you are considering getting married that you can tell them why you are thinking about marrying them.

Poppa -“I’m not sure where hakaras hatov comes in. I don’t see why the shadchan has any legitimate reason for wanting to know. I don’t think you have any obligation to fuel the shadchans disgusting snooping habit.”

That is an unfair and cruel statement. Most shadchanim make shidduchim to help people out and it is only menchlichkeit for someone to follow up and let the shadchan know what is going on. It sounds like you had a bad experience with a shadchan but that gives you no excuse to bash shadchanim and make them out to be “the bad guys”.

yoya: You misunderstand.

I assume most- if not all- shadchanim don’t care to know why you broke it off. I assume most shadchanim are doing it to be helpful; not because they are disgusting snoops. I agree with you.

I was simply responding to the posters who thought that if your shadchan happens to be a snoop, that you should satisfy their deviant curiosity, and it is somehow “hakaras hatov.”

Don’t we agree? Do you think it is hakaras hatov to satisfy someone’s deviant needs?

I agree 100% with popa.

Most shadchanim make shidduchim to help people out and it is only menchlichkeit for someone to follow up and let the shadchan know what is going on.

It is very questionable if they are doing just to help people out, and letting know what is going on means just how it’s concluding, not what motivated the decision how to conclude. And saying that they have a right to demand to know because “they deserve know”, it’s called blackmail.