Everything is great, but I'm not sure if there is chemistry!

I think it’s called cold feet. Everything you mentioned seems normal, and he sounds like a great, hard to find guy.

The only possible red flag is the “at times not attracted to him” part. Are you then turned off from him, or merely not going crazy about him?

In life in general, are you generally bubbly about stuff or more placid and perhaps cautious? Your personality and reaction to gifts for example, will not mirror those of your friend but will always remain you, albeit somewhat magnified because this is MAJOR. And if your moods normally fluctuate (and whose don’t) you can’t expect to always feel “romantic” to his gestures.

After a whole month of dating, you should be able to know more or less. That’s not to say EVERYONE falls head over heels knowing ‘this is the one’ when they date their bashert. Most DON’T know. We never WILL reeeeally know. But if you have checked off your list of everything you seek in a husband ( – you DO have a list, don’t you?? – ) and all looks great, then all you need is a good ‘ol fashion ‘kick in the pants’ and a push. But if there are valuable factors that you see lacking in this fellow, attributes you feel to be of utmost importance, then you must hurry and re-evaluate your datee and make a decision.

(Reality check: Don’t get carried away i.e. fooled, with the notion of what we read, watch, or hear about in romantic novels/movies etc. There are soooo many young men & women who think that you will automatically feel this romantic, light-headed warm feeling when you date your bashert, and you will be swept off your feet by your knight in shining armour…..blah blah blah! Sorry to spoil the party. Some do. But many don’t. Nobody is perfect, and nobody lives “happily ever after”, and nobody is exactly how you wish your husband to be. Close, perhaps, but not exactly)

Wishing you much hatzlachah, and may your decision be for the best, with lots of siyata dishmaya!

Yankel Avinu and Rukhl Imanu had chemistry before chuppa.

A Bas Yisroel should smile ear to ear, but no one does all the time.

One can have chemistry and smile ear to ear and still have doubt.

Love is Truth and both come from HaShem and are not afraid of having doubt.

Be a kli, Caleefornia – recieve to give and gve to receive.

Be Open.

HaShem should Bless you with Chuppa and a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisroel With your Beshert B’Emes!

I’m trying to think whether there is a worse place to ask this question that the coffee room, and the only place I could come up with was [a white supremacist site].

Nobody here knows you. I was about to start listing all the relevant things about you that we don’t know, but it’s really just all of them. You have to ask people who know you and are also wise. Those people are hard to identify, but if you can find one, that would be the right move.

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Ma’am are you listening …..because what you need to do now is to make sure the Shadchan knows where you stand and keep dating. It happens all the time that one datee is ready before the other that’s fine as long as each know where the other stands. Don’t be afraid to have him know where you stand, if he likes you he can wait a few more weeks for you feel like you want to marry him.

Here is what I asked friends when they were in that situation- When you are with him, do you feel like you have other things to do? Are you disappointed when the date ends? Do you look forward to seeing him the next time? I can’t tell you what those answers mean, but maybe you would know.

i usually answer these questions, but this one does not have a general answer. i know of cases where people got married in situations like this and were happy, and i know of some where things went very bad. find someone else. best of luck.

How much would you miss him/regret it if you broke up? Consider your life without him. It’s not the end-all but it should help give you some perspective.

I know you people don’t touch one another but doesn’t you little heart skip a beat when he’s not there? Do you want him close?

I sort of was in the same situation as you. My husband was ready to get engaged after 2 (!) dates. I understandably needed more time. We dated just about a month. I saw that he was a wonderful person with a shem tov, middos, maturity, etc. I definitely did not feel the romance while dating. Yet I gave myself that push (I didn’t see what dating another 2 months could do) and we got engaged. Did I have doubts throughout the engagement period? Yes. I believe that most young couples have some sort of doubts, definitely cold feet. Yet I was very excited to see him each time (while engaged). Bh we’re happily married now for a couple of years and I have no regrets 🙂

caleefornia – that, with what Think first said, is what I was getting at. Nobody can tell you if he is right or not, but those questions may give you some clarity on how you are feeling.

First of all if he’s really interested, he should respect you and give you more time if you need. Secondly, I think that you watch too many movies and you’re expecting romance and infatuation as opposed to reality- a connection and respect.

Ask yourself these questions: DO you enjoy being with him? Do you l respect him? Would you be okay introducing him to people? Are you okay with him being the father of your kids? If there are positive answers, I say go for it! Let us know what happens.

I have a riddle:

Q. Where does the Torah lie?

A. It says ????? ???? ?? ???, and they weren’t married yet.

yes but he also married Leah and that seemed to have worked out for them.

love comes after marriage

Calee:

“Also, i was thinking maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s so excited and so forward–before he told me all this, i had no idea he was feeling this way, i couldnt tell how interested he was. and thats when i did feel attraction.

but now that he told me, i find myself being a bit put off. is that a problem? is it something i can work on? “

Sure, this is all part of “not ‘letting’ you.”

And yes, you can definitely work on it but it will be HARD work. The good news is, that everything else you mentioned, especially about this guy seems awesome so the hard work will pay off.

Start with trying to figure out where this is coming from. It might take a while for you to realize. Maybe an adult that knows you well can help you a little. If you have a mentor see if you can discuss this with your mentor.

Good luck with that one.

I didn’t ‘feel’ anything when I got engaged but I knew I wanted everything he wanted for his future and I knew that I respected him so much that attraction HAD to follow. Which it did. You can choose whether to focus on the good that you see in him or the nagging discomfort you have when you think of him but at the end of the day, whatever you decide, it’s a leap of faith.

From what you’re describing, the not letting yourself in a nutshell = fear of committing.

As long as you didn’t know he was serious you were easygoing and enjoying yourself. Now that it apparently is up to you, you’re afraid, because if you fall for him emotionally, that means marriage. Marriage is a big deal, so your defense mechanism kicks in.

I’d say go for it, but I’m not wise or informed enough to say so.

Good luck either way!

Caleefornia, honestly I felt that if I don’t grab this guy, I might seriously regret it because if he wants me so badly, like come on, in my circles (yeshivish) the guy has so many options that he could just brush me off (yes he had lists and lists of eligible girls lined up). I definitely saw that in the few years I dated, guys wouldn’t even give me a second date cuz, well, they felt I just wasn’t the one (how can you possibly tell after one date? something i don’t understand). So the fact that he seemed so enthusiastic made me stop and think and really consider what I’d be giving up had I ended things. As far as me maybe dating another month or two, I didn’t see why I had to. We got to know each other, he had a great reputation, I just didn’t hear bells.

Mammele: “From what you’re describing, the not letting yourself in a nutshell = fear of committing.”

Actually, no. And I think Calee knows what that means. She’ll work on it.

True, Yaakov had feelings for Ruchel before they got married, but (as the mod nicely pointed out) that doesn’t mean that that must always be the case; feelings can and often do develop later on.

Of course, I’m not claiming that if you don’t fall in love before marriage, that you will certainly have a bad marriage. I’m just responding to those who claim that any love before marriage is necessarily fake and meaningless.

I fully believe that the level of love achieved after marriage cannot be achieved before marriage. But I think that the feelings that people do feel before marriage are real and valuable. And the absence of such feelings might ask a good question about your compatibility in a situation when you’ve been dating long enough that you’d expect such feelings to have developed.