Everything is great, but I'm not sure if there is chemistry!

Home Forums Shidduchim Everything is great, but I'm not sure if there is chemistry!

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  • #608496

    caleefornia
    Member

    I’m going out with this guy for a month. Everything is perfect-his middos are wonderful, his hashkafos match mine, he is a real ben torah, I like his personality… BUT… he is super excited about things and ready to get engaged, tomorrow. I am another story, I am not at all excited. I feel comfortable, I trust him, I like him, but I’m not smiling from ear to ear all the time. When he gives me small gifts, it makes me laugh, I think its cute, but it doesn’t make me feel really good, it doesn’t feel so “romantic.” At times I am attracted to him, at times not. I need to make a decision soon, since he is more than ready, and I can’t let this drag on with no answer…

    Any of you out there had this experience? Can you tell me if this is ok, or if I should end it?

    #953646

    mofr
    Member

    “Chemistry” comes after marriage. You don’t need chemistry or sparks beforehand to marry someone. Nor should you expect it.

    #953647

    Mammele
    Participant

    I think it’s called cold feet. Everything you mentioned seems normal, and he sounds like a great, hard to find guy.

    The only possible red flag is the “at times not attracted to him” part. Are you then turned off from him, or merely not going crazy about him?

    In life in general, are you generally bubbly about stuff or more placid and perhaps cautious? Your personality and reaction to gifts for example, will not mirror those of your friend but will always remain you, albeit somewhat magnified because this is MAJOR. And if your moods normally fluctuate (and whose don’t) you can’t expect to always feel “romantic” to his gestures.

    #953648

    Imaofthree
    Participant

    Yes. End it so one of my girls can have him. Just kidding! 🙂

    #953649

    BaalHabooze
    Participant

    After a whole month of dating, you should be able to know more or less. That’s not to say EVERYONE falls head over heels knowing ‘this is the one’ when they date their bashert. Most DON’T know. We never WILL reeeeally know. But if you have checked off your list of everything you seek in a husband ( – you DO have a list, don’t you?? – ) and all looks great, then all you need is a good ‘ol fashion ‘kick in the pants’ and a push. But if there are valuable factors that you see lacking in this fellow, attributes you feel to be of utmost importance, then you must hurry and re-evaluate your datee and make a decision.

    (Reality check: Don’t get carried away i.e. fooled, with the notion of what we read, watch, or hear about in romantic novels/movies etc. There are soooo many young men & women who think that you will automatically feel this romantic, light-headed warm feeling when you date your bashert, and you will be swept off your feet by your knight in shining armour…..blah blah blah! Sorry to spoil the party. Some do. But many don’t. Nobody is perfect, and nobody lives “happily ever after”, and nobody is exactly how you wish your husband to be. Close, perhaps, but not exactly)

    Wishing you much hatzlachah, and may your decision be for the best, with lots of siyata dishmaya!

    #953650

    old man
    Participant

    The pressure you feel is artificially induced. It comes from the social circle you belong to. This social pressure of immediate decision-making is inappropriate and will not ensure you a happy marriage. You need not give in to it. Wait until you are sure you want this guy. Take your time and don’t feel rushed. If he really wants you, he’ll wait. Don’t listen to the people who say you don’t need to “feel” anything, you only need it to be good on paper. They will not be there for you after the wedding.

    #953651

    phrum
    Member

    Yankel Avinu and Rukhl Imanu had chemistry before chuppa.

    A Bas Yisroel should smile ear to ear, but no one does all the time.

    One can have chemistry and smile ear to ear and still have doubt.

    Love is Truth and both come from HaShem and are not afraid of having doubt.

    Be a kli, Caleefornia – recieve to give and gve to receive.

    Be Open.

    HaShem should Bless you with Chuppa and a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisroel With your Beshert B’Emes!

    #953652

    oomis
    Participant

    MOFR, with all due respect – NO. Chemistry comes before. Real love comes after. She has been seeing this guy for a month, she should be feeling SOMEthing at this point. Yes, real, deeper feelings develop after marriage, but if there is nothing before, no excitement, no “can’t wait to marry the guy,” then she is potentially doing a disservice to the guy, if she gets engaged to him without having that emotional connection. Personally, I feel a month is a VERY short time to date someone, and she should tell him to slow down and get to know him a bit longer. That feeling MIGHT come with a little more time, but if not, why should he excitedly marry someone who is vey pareve about him? So many guys screw up the shidduch by getting too eager before the girl is ready, when just a few more weeks might make all the difference in the world. And ti works both ways. Sometimes a girl (or her mother) is being too pushy with a guy who is not ready. A month (for most of us) is way too soon to make a crucial decision to make a lifetime commitment. Better to wait, or move on. JMO. I know there are people here who will strongly disagree with me (and that’s fine), but I have seen too many marriages break up the first year because people rushed into something at the urging of friends or relatives, when they did not feel anything for the person they married other than “he/she is a nice person.”

    #953653

    I’m trying to think whether there is a worse place to ask this question that the coffee room, and the only place I could come up with was [a white supremacist site].

    Nobody here knows you. I was about to start listing all the relevant things about you that we don’t know, but it’s really just all of them. You have to ask people who know you and are also wise. Those people are hard to identify, but if you can find one, that would be the right move.

    [edited]

    #953654

    caleefornia
    Member

    oh i am definitely asking wise people, but i wanted to know if a/o else had a similar situation and what the outcome was

    #953655

    Think first
    Member

    Ma’am are you listening …..because what you need to do now is to make sure the Shadchan knows where you stand and keep dating. It happens all the time that one datee is ready before the other that’s fine as long as each know where the other stands. Don’t be afraid to have him know where you stand, if he likes you he can wait a few more weeks for you feel like you want to marry him.

    #953656

    caleefornia
    Member

    after a month, i know for certain (well, you never REALLY know…) he’ll be a great husband and father.

    mammele, i’m never un-attracted, just not attracted.

    i’m more excited for my friends’ weddings than my own!

    #953657

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    Here is what I asked friends when they were in that situation- When you are with him, do you feel like you have other things to do? Are you disappointed when the date ends? Do you look forward to seeing him the next time? I can’t tell you what those answers mean, but maybe you would know.

    #953658

    angel123
    Participant

    The way you build a relationship is by giving. Maybe you should bake him something the next time he comes.

    Most of the dating the boy is giving the whole time.

    #953659

    Toi
    Participant

    i usually answer these questions, but this one does not have a general answer. i know of cases where people got married in situations like this and were happy, and i know of some where things went very bad. find someone else. best of luck.

    #953660

    Think first
    Member

    what syag mentioned should be a way for you to determine how you really feel about him.

    when I was dating my wife, i remember that sometime when we werent together i felt that i wasnt sure. but when i was with her i was sure as anything. how do you feel when you are with him?

    #953661

    caleefornia
    Member

    syag, answer is I enjoy being with him and look forward to seeing him–on the days that we have a date planned, I practically jump out of bed

    #953662

    Mammele
    Participant

    You’re not engaged yet, don’t compare the two. And for your own you’ll iy”H be very excited, but more nervous as well.

    Personally I think that some people are more positive than others, only you know if this is so.

    And if he’s Mr. Perfect dating a little longer won’t put him off, but you need to let him know that you can’t make a lifetime decision in a month. Then think hard what needs to happen for you to comfortably say yes, and if you think it’s impossible you’ll need to break it off.

    #953663

    MCP
    Member

    How much would you miss him/regret it if you broke up? Consider your life without him. It’s not the end-all but it should help give you some perspective.

    #953664

    Toi
    Participant

    MCP- shes lived a (assumption) happy life until now. thinking of life without him shouldnt be a big deal.

    #953665

    Robertz
    Member

    I know you people don’t touch one another but doesn’t you little heart skip a beat when he’s not there? Do you want him close?

    #953666

    caleefornia
    Member

    robertz, not really. I can picture it, but I’m not itching to. although I think he is.

    #953667

    yepyep
    Member

    I sort of was in the same situation as you. My husband was ready to get engaged after 2 (!) dates. I understandably needed more time. We dated just about a month. I saw that he was a wonderful person with a shem tov, middos, maturity, etc. I definitely did not feel the romance while dating. Yet I gave myself that push (I didn’t see what dating another 2 months could do) and we got engaged. Did I have doubts throughout the engagement period? Yes. I believe that most young couples have some sort of doubts, definitely cold feet. Yet I was very excited to see him each time (while engaged). Bh we’re happily married now for a couple of years and I have no regrets 🙂

    #953668

    sharp
    Member

    Trusting and feeling comfortable is BIG. The question you need to ask yourself is: Would you also be anxious when you get little gifts from other people? Or from someone you would be attracted to? Do you let other people do stuff for you? If the answer is no, then you need to look for the underlying reason. There is such a concept of not “letting” yourself feel attracted.

    #953669

    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    caleefornia – that, with what Think first said, is what I was getting at. Nobody can tell you if he is right or not, but those questions may give you some clarity on how you are feeling.

    #953670

    SaysMe
    Member

    caleefornia- you sound pretty sure of yourself!(my straight out opinion: dont miss your chance for such a great guy!) Many posters mentioned things i’d have. Especially the would you be disappointed if you lost your chance, would you be measuring up other dates to him.. There’s a chapter in ”dating secrets” aka shidduch secrets on this if you’d like. I had a good friend who said pretty much exactly what you did. Another who said you are never 100% sure, but once you say yes, you realize you are so glad you did. I’d suggest maybe speaking to a shadchan or mentor about your emotions, i’m sure they’d be able to direct you through all your thoughts. One of my friends did that and was the best thing she did. All of these 3 friends tried taking a step back and looking at it, realized he was an amazing guy just what they wanted, and recognized its kinda hard to be emotionally attached with so little time together. All said yes, and all are in wonderful happy marriages.

    #953671

    realtalk
    Member

    First of all if he’s really interested, he should respect you and give you more time if you need. Secondly, I think that you watch too many movies and you’re expecting romance and infatuation as opposed to reality- a connection and respect.

    Ask yourself these questions: DO you enjoy being with him? Do you l respect him? Would you be okay introducing him to people? Are you okay with him being the father of your kids? If there are positive answers, I say go for it! Let us know what happens.

    #953672

    sharp
    Member

    Realtalk:

    “Would you be okay introducing him to people?”

    Irrelevant. The answer will show more about her than about him.

    “Let us know what happens”

    Why?

    #953673

    caleefornia
    Member

    sharp, can you explain that concept of not letting yourself be attracted? i think that may be part of my problem.

    Also, i was thinking maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s so excited and so forward–before he told me all this, i had no idea he was feeling this way, i couldnt tell how interested he was. and thats when i did feel attraction.

    but now that he told me, i find myself being a bit put off. is that a problem? is it something i can work on?

    #953674

    caleefornia
    Member

    and yes, im ok introducing him to people, i like being with him, whenever we’re out all the girls flirt with him (its not like hes super good looking, but he is the cool, confident type) and I feel kind of proud and smug (yes, i know its a bad middah!) that im the lucky one. (only right now, i dont feel so lucky.)

    I really do respect him.

    everything is good, except that im not excited!

    #953675

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I have a riddle:

    Q. Where does the Torah lie?

    A. It says ????? ???? ?? ???, and they weren’t married yet.

    yes but he also married Leah and that seemed to have worked out for them.

    #953676

    realtalk
    Member

    It’s not irrelavant.

    If she’s embarrassed to introduce him to her friends and family, then she may not respect him or whatever. That would just ring an alarm bell in my mind, depending on the reason.

    As for the ending, just curious.

    #953677

    caleefornia
    Member

    ok realtalk ill let u know the ending when i know the ending

    #953678

    kingdavid
    Participant
    #953679

    realtalk
    Member

    love comes after marriage

    #953680

    caleefornia
    Member

    yepyep– so while you didnt feel the romance before you were engaged, did it make you happy/nervous/neither when your soon-to-be husband would speak about how happy and excited he is and plans for the future etc? what i want to ask, even though YOU weren’t feeling it, how did it make you feel that HE really was?

    #953681

    sharp
    Member

    Calee:

    “Also, i was thinking maybe it has to do with the fact that he’s so excited and so forward–before he told me all this, i had no idea he was feeling this way, i couldnt tell how interested he was. and thats when i did feel attraction.

    but now that he told me, i find myself being a bit put off. is that a problem? is it something i can work on? “

    Sure, this is all part of “not ‘letting’ you.”

    And yes, you can definitely work on it but it will be HARD work. The good news is, that everything else you mentioned, especially about this guy seems awesome so the hard work will pay off.

    Start with trying to figure out where this is coming from. It might take a while for you to realize. Maybe an adult that knows you well can help you a little. If you have a mentor see if you can discuss this with your mentor.

    #953682

    SaysMe
    Member

    it’s nerves. And just about everyone gets nerves, uncertainty. That’s normal. Again, if u can get yours hands on that book, theres a chapter about just these feelings

    #953683

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Good luck with that one.

    #953684

    caleefornia
    Member

    saysme–thank you. i actually borrowed the book, and i have it somewhere, ill take a look at it!

    #953685

    interjection
    Participant

    I didn’t ‘feel’ anything when I got engaged but I knew I wanted everything he wanted for his future and I knew that I respected him so much that attraction HAD to follow. Which it did. You can choose whether to focus on the good that you see in him or the nagging discomfort you have when you think of him but at the end of the day, whatever you decide, it’s a leap of faith.

    #953686

    agent
    Participant

    I was very similar caleefornia, I think I was more excited when my sis got engaged then when I did! I think it is mostly nerves and afraid to take such a big step in life. Looking back I laugh about it. B”H I am very happily married for a few years now 🙂

    #953687

    Mammele
    Participant

    From what you’re describing, the not letting yourself in a nutshell = fear of committing.

    As long as you didn’t know he was serious you were easygoing and enjoying yourself. Now that it apparently is up to you, you’re afraid, because if you fall for him emotionally, that means marriage. Marriage is a big deal, so your defense mechanism kicks in.

    I’d say go for it, but I’m not wise or informed enough to say so.

    Good luck either way!

    #953688

    PBA:

    True, Yaakov had feelings for Ruchel before they got married, but (as the mod nicely pointed out) that doesn’t mean that that must always be the case; feelings can and often do develop later on.

    #953689

    yepyep
    Member

    Caleefornia, honestly I felt that if I don’t grab this guy, I might seriously regret it because if he wants me so badly, like come on, in my circles (yeshivish) the guy has so many options that he could just brush me off (yes he had lists and lists of eligible girls lined up). I definitely saw that in the few years I dated, guys wouldn’t even give me a second date cuz, well, they felt I just wasn’t the one (how can you possibly tell after one date? something i don’t understand). So the fact that he seemed so enthusiastic made me stop and think and really consider what I’d be giving up had I ended things. As far as me maybe dating another month or two, I didn’t see why I had to. We got to know each other, he had a great reputation, I just didn’t hear bells.

    #953690

    sharp
    Member

    “I have a riddle:

    Q. Where does the Torah lie?

    A. It says ????? ???? ?? ???, and they weren’t married yet.

    yes but he also married Leah and that seemed to have worked out for them. “

    Awesome!!

    #953691

    sharp
    Member

    Mammele: “From what you’re describing, the not letting yourself in a nutshell = fear of committing.”

    Actually, no. And I think Calee knows what that means. She’ll work on it.

    #953692

    oomis
    Participant

    yes but he also married Leah and that seemed to have worked out for them”

    Perhaps, but SHE always felt second best. She knew Yaakov would never have married her without being tricked into it.

    #953693

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    True, Yaakov had feelings for Ruchel before they got married, but (as the mod nicely pointed out) that doesn’t mean that that must always be the case; feelings can and often do develop later on.

    Of course, I’m not claiming that if you don’t fall in love before marriage, that you will certainly have a bad marriage. I’m just responding to those who claim that any love before marriage is necessarily fake and meaningless.

    I fully believe that the level of love achieved after marriage cannot be achieved before marriage. But I think that the feelings that people do feel before marriage are real and valuable. And the absence of such feelings might ask a good question about your compatibility in a situation when you’ve been dating long enough that you’d expect such feelings to have developed.

    #953694

    mercury
    Member

    i also had your situation. perfect guy but zero chemistry. i asked my rav what i should do and his words were “keep dating him until you cant date him anymore. you will either get engaged or call it off”. he was right. the very next date i called it off. i just couldn’t see myself marrying him. since you’ve been dating this boy for a while i’m gonna suggest something else. i didn’t read all the posts so it could be someone mentioned this already. i think you should take a break and think about it. it seems the more you date him the more confused your getting. my sis in law did that with my brother and she ended up missing him so much she said yes. dont talk or text or see him for a few weeks. if you miss him then i think you should go ahead and continue with the shidduch. if you dont then id say its better to let him go. hatzlacha!

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