Facebook and Shidduchim

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  • #601147

    What are thoughts on not wanting to go out with someone because they have facebook, if everything else is good?

    We’re talking typical, nice Bais Yaakov girl and typical, nice Bochur in learning.

    #835414

    Sam2
    Participant

    I honestly don’t see the problem with Facebook. It’s a great way to keep in touch with family and old friends who are far away. If you’re smart about it it can be useful like anything else. If you use it improperly it can be bad-like anything else.

    #835415

    stamamen
    Member

    sam2, u can make the same argument about a bocher who owns a handgun (with a concealed carry permit). It can be used for defense or can be used improperly. So should a girl therefore not consider the fact he travels around with a concealed handgun??

    #835416

    gefen
    Participant

    Sam2: Problem is your account can be hacked. It happened to a cousin of mine and some horrible things were posted on her site.

    #835417

    soliek
    Member

    *facepalm*

    #835418

    plumba
    Member

    Stam,

    Why stop with a gun? Cant the same be said about anyone with mouth? It can be used properly or it can be incorrectly used to kill.

    #835419

    When you consider that it’s almost become the norm to say no to a shidduch for how a family clears their table on shabbous then it’s really not too far out to see people discarding matches due to facebook use.

    #835420

    BTGuy
    Participant

    Hi classicalmusic.

    I dont think having a facebook adds up to a “three strikes and you are out”.

    There are many frum businesses and organizations that have a facebook account, as well as camps, etc., too.

    I can tell you there are a lot of frum people who have facebook

    accounts with nicknames or alias names. Whether it is harmless fun and keeping in touch with friends, or they are up to no good; depends on the individual.

    #835421

    I apologize,*cleverjewishpun*, but I must disagree with you.

    While how some clear their table can be considered foolish, I don’t think Facebook is. There is a validity to the reasoning, and it’s a fact that it can be used the wrong way for the wrong reason.

    Clearing a table however, still comes out right no matter how you do it.

    #835422

    dunno
    Member

    I agree with sam 2 100%. I have the same argument with texting.

    #835423

    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I think the issues with facebook are very overstated.

    People who criticize using facebook, often are clueless about it’s nature.

    Similar to the texting problem, it does make it easier for teenage boys and girls to talk. But once you are in shidduchim anyway, I don’t really see the harm.

    I needed to join facebook some time ago, for outside reasons. And I don’t see any problem.

    #835424

    shtusim
    Participant

    Facebook is not a good place for any singles! Whatever you put on the Web stays there forever!

    Just because they’re good kids does not mean they can’t be dragged into Shmutz!

    My daughter was in shidduchim and it wasn’t going. And she had a Facebook account. My wife and I asked her to give it up until she got married. Two months after she gave it up, she got engaged. Now that she is married it is up to herself and her husband, just like everything else in life!

    #835425

    If Facebook is so bad, then why does Yeshiva World News have a page there???? Didn’t know that, what do you think that blue F icon on the top left of this page mean?

    #835426

    Half
    Member

    stamamen

    Member

    “sam2, u can make the same argument about a bocher who owns a handgun (with a concealed carry permit). It can be used for defense or can be used improperly. So should a girl therefore not consider the fact he travels around with a concealed handgun??”

    that’s alittle too extreme!

    prominent seminaries, not sure about yeshivos, have facebook accounts… not too sure who creates them though…

    #835427

    HaQer
    Member

    “Facebook is not a good place for any singles! Whatever you put on the Web stays there forever!”

    If you have a Facebook page but are VERY careful about what you post this should not be a problem. There are legitimate reasons to have it and if used correctly it can be fine, single or married, assuming that the person has self control and knows what they are doing.

    “Similar to the texting problem, it does make it easier for teenage boys and girls to talk. But once you are in shidduchim anyway, I don’t really see the harm.”

    Are you dating a teenager or a young adult. If the shidduch in question had Facebook as a teenager then you might have a legitimate tayna. Then again, people change a lot after they hit 20 so even someone who was a big Facebook user in High School shouldn’t be rejected right away. Like any issue in shidduchim, you have to realize that everyone is different and it is very dangerous to make a blanket statement that “s/he has Facebook and therefore I have no interest in the Shidduch”

    I think that if you are investigating a shidduch with someone who has Facebook, check out their page (not just for the pictures). See what they post (and what they don’t post), how often they post, etc. Then make an informed decision.

    #835428

    cinderella
    Member

    IMHO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Facebook. You can argue that people can end up doing stupid things and getting involved with people they shouldn’t be getting involved with, but you can say that about everything.

    If someone wants to do the wrong thing, they will do it, regardless of whether they have Facebook or texting or not. A responsible, smart person would not do stupid things. A responsible, smart person would not accept a friend request from a stranger or some guy. and if they are stupid enough to do that, they deserve whatever happens to them and the reputation they will get. (Sorry,it really bothers me when people do stupid things so I tend to get worked up about it)

    Just be smart and do the right thing and you will be fine. And if you can’t trust yourself then you have bigger problems than Facebook.

    As to the whole Facebook- shidduch thing. I don’t think it should be a big deal.

    #835429

    Think first
    Member

    I promissed myself that I’d never marry a girl who has a Facebook account and what do you know I did.

    Let me tell you Facebook IS different than texting, Facebook,becomes ur new life and ur reality sort of fades away. Post. Picture. She’s in Florida wow!.lol. Its like you live on a different planet.

    What’s the problem u ask?

    It breaks down good old COMMUNICATION between people.

    Yes people can use it in a healthy way but

    #835430

    Half
    Member

    Be yourself! A major factor in shidduchim that requires attention is that people are afraid to do things because it might ruin shidduchim and once married become partners in ‘crime’… If you feel sth is right there should be nothing stopping you from doing it and conversly if you REALLY feel sth is wrong don’t start doing it after marriage…

    there are numerous people that I know would rave on and on before marriage how bad facebook is and bla bla bla… and once they are married to their perfect kollel learner off they go to face book in thier free lonely time… There is major problems with this on a number of different levels..

    #835431

    yentingyenta
    Participant

    i have fb. or sefer panim as my friend calls it. i got it when i started NS. besides family, its classmates from school, a friends MIL (she wanted to show me pics), and some friends from camp/hs…

    i am very careful about security and privacy. if a ‘friend’ has a number of posts i don’t like, i hide their comments or unfriend them. did it to a few. and you don’t have to answer every request.if you set it right, a person doing a search cannot find you. only friends of friends can find me via search.

    i use it mostly to see how my friends in MS are doing. i’m in (was) in OB. so when they comment abt a pt, etc we can do some catching up. funny pics, comments from class, commiserating together, its a way to relax and know your all in the same boat together. i might post the fruedian (sp?) slip the teacher made, a pic of my younger sister. do i do s/t and think “this is going on FB later”? no i don’t. i have a life outside my computer. (even if that life is taken up by nursing school)

    i dont get why people look at one thing and say its a write off.

    life has grey areas, its not just black and white. it depends how you use it

    #835432

    chaimss
    Participant

    I’ve heard this argument time and time again so I just want to say two things:

    1. What’s wrong with having a legal gun? If you have a permit and you’ve taken the safety course so what’s the problem with walking around with it?

    2. I always find it funny when people say “well I’ll look and see if he has Facebook.” It’s possible to completely hide your account so it’s not searchable unless you have the actual link. It’s also possible to have a generic profile picture (say, a flower) so you’d never know if this “Yehuda Goldstein” is the same Yehuda Goldstein you intend to go out with. True, it’s possible to see if this isn’t done, but just because you didn’t find one doesn’t mean (s)he doesn’t have one.

    #835433

    observanteen
    Member

    IMHO, facebook is not just about the user. Some of you say that you have a facebook account, and you use it wisely. Wonderful. BUT when you’re talking about shidduchim and marriage, it’s NOT just you anymore. You will bezras Hashem bond with your spouse, build a home, and you are an example to them. YOU ARE THE ROLE MODEL. The question is really, do YOU want to bring facebook in your home? WHICH INCLUDES that your kids may abuse it? Do you want your spouse to be on facebook and POSSIBLY be hooked, or involved with things they shouldn’t?

    Marriage is about getting to know oneself. With this, and with many other issues, one must ask themselves, what do I want MY home to look like? What kind of father/mother do I want my kids to have? It’s about growing up, and choosing your life.

    #835434

    Half
    Member

    Everyone admit, Everyone that has internet, (including all the posters here, surprise surprise:):) has checked out facebook before even if they don’t have an account… or an account with a different name just to converse and check others out… Well look at youselves a shtickle, your on there, face the music with reality/ throw the internet away. if your on here your part of it ALL!! EVERYONE has some sort of shaichus to facebook in our day n age..

    =conversely it’s the Same as saying I’ll eat in a treif restaurant, but I’ll bring along kosher food, You’re still eating from the utensils.. This entire place is trief, I admit. I wish I was on the madraiga not to have internet at all! and I admire those that don’t have it. However I don’t admire those that want it and feel they are deprived of it. I think it’s the same as having it.

    #835435

    pet peeve
    Member

    classical music:

    when it comes to facebook and dating, only you are going to have to decide if it inherently bothers you or not.

    i think the general question is: how much TIME does s/he spend on it? you can argue from here till forever if its “safe”, all the pros and cons of facebook…..but no one wants someone who will be married to their virtual life instead of their real spouse. find out how addicted s/he is, how much time they spend online in general….that is a better indicator of where they are holding. ppl have facebook for many reasons….it might be worth your while to find out WHY someone has it. (unless of course you decide that you’d rather not date anyone with fb, as a general unmoving rule).

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