Facebook in a Shidduch

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  • #603930

    I’m going out with someone, and it’s just getting serious.

    I also just found out this person has a facebook account, and it threw me for a loop. I’m deeply uncomfortable with it, to the point it’s pretty much a no-no in my life.

    On the other hand, I truly like and respect the person- how do I approach this subject without making it uncomfortable? I can’t see myself accepting it- but there are so many other positives to the person, this one thing doesn’t add up.

    Any advice is appreciated. Thanks

    #882884
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Talk to them about it.

    #882885
    Csar
    Member

    Them?

    #882886
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Plural form used when subject is of indeterminate gender. This is called the “epicene they”.

    #882887
    gregaaron
    Member

    I’m with PBA (as usual) – bring it up.

    If you two are really close enough hashkafically, he (I’m assuming it’s he) is cognizant of the reasons you don’t like Facebook and won’t think you’re crazy for calling it a “no-no”, and you can have a normal conversation about it. If, on the other hand, he can’t for the life of him understand why you’re against it, you’re not on the same page hashkafically. Eventually, one of you should be willing to give in – if you’re not willing to make sacrifices for the other, it’s better you find that out now.

    Hatzlacha!

    #882888
    Seahorse
    Member

    Hi classicalmusic, What is it, specifically, about her having a facebook account that you find bothersome? B/c you may be walking away from your bshert for a bad reason here, if you ask me.

    #882889
    Toi
    Participant

    kiday to find out why and be dab likaf zchus. a friend of mine had one to keep up with kids he worked with in a kiruv camp in russia. im not saying i agree with his reasoning, but itll definitely lower the level of concern.

    #882890
    RachaelH
    Member

    I think you need to find out what’s behind it. Maybe the person uses it for work. Maybe he/she uses it to keep up with friends/relatives abroad, and considers it only for this purpose. Maybe his/her little sister set it up and he/she isn’t even aware he/she has an account. You never know. I remember whan I was dating my husband I was obsessed with his Kippa. It was too close to the top of his head. I couldn’t handle it, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand what it was doing there. We were both very Yeshivish, why was his kippa so close to his forehead?!

    Now I look back and laugh. when I brought it up with him, he couldn’t understand what I was talking about. My husband is a creature of comfort, that’s where his kippa felt comfortable, so that was that. He also doesn’t get style norms so much, so he didn’t really understand what all the fuss about kippa placement was about. End of story – we were still on the same page hashgafically, no matter where his kippa was!

    Moral – talk to him/her, and find out why he/she has a facebook account.

    #882891
    MorahRach
    Member

    Before you stress yourself out about it, talk to them. It may be a simple thing like, oh yeah I never log onto that thing, ill delete it , you won’t know until you discuss it. Or maybe he/she? Is the type that is only friends with family on it I know many people that do that just so they can see family pictures and things I that nature. Don’t write them off yet!

    #882892
    oomis
    Participant

    You can take my opinion for what’s it’s worth. Talk it out with him/her. Also try to understand what it really is about Facebook that is upsetting to you. Maybe he/she uses it only as a way to stay in touch with friends and family AND NOTHING ELSE, and you are overreacting. It sounds like otherwise this person is serious to you. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Not without compelling reasons.

    #882893
    Think first
    Member

    Ckasiical music- I understand your issue with it i had the same issue when I found out my at the time kallah had Facebook. I always had an issue with it and still do. However you should understand that there are people especially girls that can use Facebook kosherly with their friends only. I suggest bringing it up as telling her how you feel about it I would be careful not to hurt her by saying something like if someone has it then they are…. However you can explain that it’s something you don’t want in your home because it can lead to undesirable situations. She/ he may be willing to give it up, or not. You won’t know until you discuss it. Once you get his/ her opinion about having it in your home or not you should def discuss this with a mentor.

    #882894
    Loyal Jew
    Member

    The person has Facebook even after the asifa? Drop “them” fast.

    #882895
    tahini
    Member

    Talk with her, direct communication removes doubt and can establish a closer bond.

    #882896
    ConcernedMember
    Participant

    LoyalJew, I hope you’re being sarcastic.

    The fact that you would tell someone to break off a shidduch when they have not yet even approached the other person to inquire about the issue is absolutely frightening.

    But then… it is easy to tell others what to do isn’t it…

    #882897
    Loyal Jew
    Member

    Concerned, I’m not being sarcastic. ClassicalMusic feels deeply betrayed: “It threw me for a loop. I’m deeply uncomfortable with it, to the point it’s pretty much a no-no in my life.” Then there’s the betrayal of community values. The puzzling thing is how matters got so far before this came out.

    #882898
    jbaldy22
    Member

    @ConcernedMember dont feed the troll

    #882899

    Hey, just wanted to thank everyone for the great advice and tips- we spoke it over and cleared it up, much to my relief.

    Guess we’ll see what happens! Thanks again

    #882900
    more_2
    Member

    How did you bring it up?

    #882901
    golfer
    Participant

    Glad to hear! Keep us posted, classicalmusic!

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