July 22, 2011 12:17 pm at 12:17 pm #598155
I know that everyone says they care and everything but do they really? My friends say they do (the ones that know) but they get frustrated with me and don’t really understand me. I just feel so lonely! It’s depressing!!!July 22, 2011 1:46 pm at 1:46 pm #788714mommamia22Participant
I have felt the same way. Friends can only understand so much and have so much patience. I let a friendship go years ago when I saw one friend complain about how the second one was always unhappy, complaining. This second friend went through(and was going through) so much tzar at the time, I felt it was a betrayal of friendship not to be there for her. I lost trust in the first friend and dropped her because of her treatment of the second. Truth be told, though, only a therapist has endless patience to listen to tzaar. Relationships need to be balanced. Why are your friends frustrated with you? Is it because they want to move you to action while you are still in a place of wanting and needing to be heard and understood? Have you told your friends that you don’t feel understood?July 22, 2011 1:55 pm at 1:55 pm #788715am yisrael chaiParticipant
It’s hard to see how others care for you until you begin caring about yourself.July 22, 2011 1:57 pm at 1:57 pm #788716☕️coffee addictParticipant
the best way to make friends that care is to truly care for them backJuly 22, 2011 2:10 pm at 2:10 pm #788717tracht gutMember
“The ones that know”- About what?July 22, 2011 2:14 pm at 2:14 pm #788718gefenParticipant
Happiest- i think that usually when ppl say they care, they mean it. but maybe they just don’t know how to go further. you say ppl get frustrated with you and don’t really understand – well maybe the frustration is because they don’t really understand – which is something they can’t help, since they are not experiencing what you are. they probably want to help but don’t know how.
i’m sorry you’re feeling this way. i really hope you feel better soon. i don’t know you personally but yes – I CARE!July 22, 2011 2:24 pm at 2:24 pm #788719seeallsidesParticipant
Although your friends probably do care about you – there can always be a gap from your need of friendship to their availability. You need to try to focus on doing things for other people, joining volunteer groups, getting involved in whatever you can – this is what will keep you from being lonely. Remember Hashem gave you a ‘unique’ set of challenges – He is your friend forever, and you have to accomplish things from wherever your ‘place of challenge’ is. Ultimately, everbody is lonely-you have to keep busy and keep involved.July 22, 2011 2:38 pm at 2:38 pm #788720YW Moderator-20Moderator
Most people care a lot, but they are too helpless and don’t know how to handle your situation or any difficult situation.July 22, 2011 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #788721tracht gutMember
What is the situation??July 22, 2011 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #788722
I dont know what your friends are telling you (or not telling you) and I’m not sure what you want them to do but they might just be frustrated- they want you to be “all better” and dont know what to say so their hands are sort of tied. Last night one of my very good friends was telling me about something that was bothering her but there was nothing for me to say that would make her feel better. I was so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!July 22, 2011 3:42 pm at 3:42 pm #788723
Happiest, I know exactly what you mean. Only a few people actually know my whole situation, and even those for the most part don’t fully understand. I appreciate that they try to, and that they seem to care, but it’s difficult for them because they have no idea what it’s like to go through the kind of stuff I did.
Although, I do have one friend that understands fully, because he went through just as much hell as I did.But at this point, I don’t really need friends to try to understand me..All I would want is a wife that understands and really cares. That’s all I need. In terms of trying to help you, I don’t really know what your’e situation is,(although on a few other threads you hinted to some stuff,) but I’m assuming your friends really don’t know what it’s like to go through the stuff you went through. So I’m sure they care, I’m sure they’re trying to help, but it could be they don’t know how. Perhaps try getting closer with someone you know has gone through similar stuff, and that might help because you will feel more understood and cared about. Or, you can post here, and I’ll be happy to talk with you, because I know (based on some other threads) I’ve gone through similar stuff to you.July 22, 2011 3:45 pm at 3:45 pm #788724PrincessEagleMember
Yes i’ll second that… it can be very frustrating just watching your friend hurt and not sure how to help.. It’s def. frustrating on the other side (yours) too.. i hope it just gets easier!! Quickly!!
And they prob do care although obviously not to the deep extent you feel. Think of it how you care for them and are hurt for their hurt.July 22, 2011 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #788725
I think they care but just dont know what to say. Middle- you have no clue what she went through and theres no way to know if you are experiencing the same thing (do you have an eating disorder) but just talking to someone else who has gone through things in life makes you feel better. I think ppl who go through things are “stronger” in life and able to deal with more. Just keep your head above water and in the long run you are the one whos going to gainJuly 22, 2011 4:07 pm at 4:07 pm #788726
adorable, I do not have an eating disorder, but I went through other things similar to what she went through. Check out this thread and you’ll see what I’m talking about. http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/frustrating/page/2
And you’re right, I think people who go through very difficult times end up being more strong willed.July 22, 2011 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #788727
and dont forget that we care and we’re all rooting for you!July 22, 2011 4:44 pm at 4:44 pm #788728
adorable, hope you read through the thread I posted above and saw what it was I was referring to..I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m just saying I understand her when I really don’t.July 22, 2011 4:50 pm at 4:50 pm #788729
i read your post. I think that the only thing you can say is that you think from reading her posts that you might have gone through something a little similar but its frustrating when ppl say they went through the same thing and they can understand when really u know that they dont understandJuly 22, 2011 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #788730gefenParticipant
Happiest – we haven’t heard from you again. I hope you’re reading this thread. Please let us know ur ok.
the cr cares about you.July 22, 2011 5:10 pm at 5:10 pm #788731
You’re right. I probably shouldn’t have said I know exactly how she feels, because of course I don’t. I’m sorry for saying that. All I can say is that since we both went through difficult things, even if they were completely different, I may have a better understanding than someone who hasn’t gone through stuff.July 22, 2011 5:10 pm at 5:10 pm #788732
one good thing about her is that she usually checks back in and lets us know whats going on.July 22, 2011 5:19 pm at 5:19 pm #788733all smilesParticipant
we care!! we care very much!! if you can find ONE ear that can really chup(understand) what you are going through, you will have to give in and listen and hopefully follow good advise. one thing about life is at one time or another you’ll be happy, just learn from your mistakes, listen to people who hear your voice, and try to make yourself laugh when you feel drained from sadness and hopelessness, i dont know who you are but one thing i’v learned is we are here in this world to be better people regardless of our problems , pray to hashem , write a letter to him, write out the problem and that he is the only one that can help.. goodluck and be strong, think positive it will be positive. B’H.July 22, 2011 6:02 pm at 6:02 pm #788734Another nameParticipant
Happiest, you make so much sense. One cannot truly understand your situation or pain until they are in your shoes. Remember that your friends care about you and love you, but most of them haven’t faced challenges similar to yours so they do not know how to comfort you. But we all care about and wish you the best!!!
Hatzlacha rabah! Keep being that special person that we admire!July 22, 2011 8:22 pm at 8:22 pm #788735
I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread but I was working all day:)
Basically, I know my friends care but I guess my issues are just way to major for any of them to really know what to say or do.
Middle path, I know what you were trying to say. Thanks!! I don’t think I have any friends who ever went through what I’m going through right now and what I have gone through in the past so I don’t have anyone to turn to in terms of that.
I think they think that I’m trying to make them nuts or doing this on purpose but I PROMISE you, I’m really not!!!July 22, 2011 10:08 pm at 10:08 pm #788736aries2756Participant
Happiest, one thing you should understand is that depression itself fills the brain with negativity and makes one feel like “no one cares, my life is hopeless, why bother, etc.” Many times you don’t get the true or real picture but one that is a little skewered. In a addition as others said, although people care, if you don’t tell them what kind of support you need from them, they are put in an awkward position because they don’t know how to help you other than to love you. People don’t know what to say and they can wind up saying stupid and hurtful things that can sound like they don’t care.
Please try and be specific. Call a friend when you need support or company and try to verbalize what you are feeling and what it is you need. Don’t expect them to know or guess.July 24, 2011 3:01 am at 3:01 am #788737
aries- you are so right. Depression really does do that to a person!! My problem is that I don’t know what type of support I need/want. I just want them to care and not tell me that I’m insane or crazy for starting to not eat again or doing other things like that. They probably feel like they’re going in circles with me but everything they tell me, I really do listen to and hear. I might not be changing my ways just yet but everything they tell me really does make a difference to me.
I just feel so confused right now. I wish I could explain what I’m going through right now but it’s beyond words:(July 24, 2011 5:13 am at 5:13 am #788738aries2756Participant
Happiest, are you keeping a daily journal? That helps sometimes to sort out your thoughts and your feelings. Some times it just feels better to vent out your feelings as you are feeling them, your thoughts as well. You can review them any time you want. So you can look at how you were feeling yesterday for instance or what your thoughts were negative or positive and use that as a starting point to let your friends know what kind of support you need. It sounds like you don’t want people to “tell” you what to do, what to think nor how to feel. Even though there are things that you need to change and of course you need to move forward and get on with your life, but you really don’t want to hear it from anyone but your own inner voice.
It might be more helpful if you would just allow your friends to just ask you straight out “how are you feeling today? What kind of mood are you in? In which direction would you like me to guide you?” In that way if you are feeling lousy and you need cheering up you can let them know and they can tell you jokes, invite you out for lunch or a movie, or whatever helps you to lift your spirits. If you “feel” like talking you can let them know and they can tell you when they are available to come over or if you should meet up with them, but “H”, you need to be clear if you are asking for advice or just need them to “listen to understand”. Normally people are NOT intuitive enough to know for themselves which way you want them to go.July 24, 2011 5:45 am at 5:45 am #788739always runs with scissors fastParticipant
Aries I think you`re one of the kindest and smartest people in the CR.July 24, 2011 6:10 am at 6:10 am #788740
Happiest, Aries’s idea of keeping a journal is fantastic. I’ve done it for a while during a particularly trying time, and I found that it helped a lot, because I wrote about everything that would happen to me, good and bad, and looking through it later, I found that a lot of things weren’t as bad as I thought, once I saw a bigger picture. It won’t solve everything, but it’s a great way to help yourself a little without going through other people.
And again, I have to say that most people our age (I’m assuming we’re similar in age, give or take a few years) don’t go through even close to what you are going through, and because of that, most people have no idea how to approach such a situation because of their lack of familiarity with it. They don’t understand where you are coming from, so it’s difficult for them to offer guidance and help. Of course, they can still show they care about you even without understanding, but that takes a special amount of sensitivity that people may not have. I think you can actually benefit a lot from just posting with us here, since we all really want to help. And some of us (myself included) went through very difficult things as well, so there might be more understanding. Whatever you decide to do, know that we all care a lot and only want the best for you.
And I agree that Aries is one of the kindest and smartest people in the CR.July 24, 2011 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #788741
@aries and middlepath- I am officially going to start journaling today, iy”H. I think it is a great idea and am actually looking forward to doing so. I’m thinking it might be helpful for my friends and myself if I would show them from my journal how I’m feeling that particular day. It might help them understand how I am feeling. Does that make sense?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.