October 17, 2012 1:52 pm at 1:52 pm #605277
I went on a first date with a guy and the feedback from the shadchan was i was nervous. I have a second date coming up and I definitely don’t want to be nervous again. any ideas how to be calm, relaxed and myself? ThanksOctober 17, 2012 5:06 pm at 5:06 pm #900394shlishiMember
Take a sedative before going on the date.October 17, 2012 5:15 pm at 5:15 pm #900395MimkMember
Dont think that your on a date because then you’ll panic & be nervous the entire time. Block the dating concept out’ve your mind, just think your out with a friend and talk naturally. Dont keep thinking what he’s thinking to what your saying. That doesnt matter, what matters is what you think of him.Act normal and dont try to impress him. Think if you like him not about the hype of getting engaged. Always remember, shidduchim are up to Hashem, you have to daven, daven, daven and do your hishtadlus and the rest Hashem takes care of. Hatzlacha!October 17, 2012 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #900396mommamia22Participant
Ask yourself what you’re nervous about.
We tend to have expectations and a mental image of events prior to their occurring.
Try to play through your expectations in your mind. You may be catastrophizing and you need to recognize that you’ll be ok even if those events were to occur.
Now imagine playing it out with smooth and positive results. Try to form a mental image, with relaxed body language and confident voice. If that’s hard for you, try to call to mind someone you know who speaks and acts with confidence, and try to mimic their body language and voice on your own to make it more a part of yourself.
When you are on the date, work on making the other person comfortable. This might take your focus off of yourself and help you to loosen up.October 17, 2012 5:41 pm at 5:41 pm #900397OneOfManyParticipant
Maybe you were on a Chrome high. I hear they make you jittery.
^_^October 17, 2012 5:55 pm at 5:55 pm #900398yaakov doeParticipant
Nothing wrong with being a litte nervous. That’s to be expected.October 17, 2012 6:37 pm at 6:37 pm #900399
shlishi, uh… NO
Mimk, thanks. I’ll try that
mom22, I think i was nervous the first time because we had just met. right now i’m distracting myself with school work but once i’m done with that (ya right) i’m going to try your ideas.
OOM, (rolling my eyes)
yaakov doe, true but when i’m nervous i sometimes have a hard time concentrating
thanks everyone!October 17, 2012 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #900400pet peeveMember
i think its weird for the guy to give that feedback to the shadchan, and even more unhelpful for her to pass it along to you. its very normal to be nervous on a first date, whats his hangup? and why do you need to know that he noticed? like its gonna make you calmer to know that. as you get more comfortable, you’ll naturally relax and warm up, you don’t need to freak out because after one date you showed some nerves. give yourself a break.October 17, 2012 7:11 pm at 7:11 pm #900401
Remind yourself that he might be nervous also. He is JUST a guy, not a malach. Think about all the ways that you are special, and then show him that positive side of you. Most of all, remember it’s just a date. Try to enjoy the time spent getting to know him better, by asking good questions with open-ended answers (no yes or no questions).October 17, 2012 10:53 pm at 10:53 pm #900402crisisoftheweekMember
Maybe the nerves come from being expected to make a huge life decision based on a 2-4 hour scripted encounter.October 17, 2012 11:39 pm at 11:39 pm #900403golferParticipant
Agree, pet peeve. I can’t imagine why he passed that bit of information on to the shadchan. Pointless & foolish.October 18, 2012 12:24 am at 12:24 am #900404
pet peeve, I appreciated the feedback and I want to correct it. nothing wrong about that.
oomis, you always have great posts and this one’s included. thanks. I’ll try the open ended questions and see how it goes.October 18, 2012 12:40 am at 12:40 am #900405mommamia22Participant
He may feel more at ease with someone who projects confidence or he may be concerned that this is a part of your overall personality. His discussing his concern with the shadchan might be a way of attempting to find out more about your personality.
Frankly, I think it’s a mistake on the part of the shadchan to express it to you in a way that describes it as a negative rather than the inquiry being an attempt on his part to get to know you better.
She clearly hopes that her telling you will somehow influence your behavior on your next date. I think a comment that comes out like a criticism only serves to increase your anxiety about how you will be perceived on your next date (and, by the way, the right guy would probably be intrigued enough to continue to want to get to know you despite your anxiety, unless it’s excessive, in which case maybe the following will help):
My prior post was about the thoughts you are thinking and how they influence your behavior.
You might also want to try noticing what you do when you are anxious. Do you fidget, avoid eye contact, hold your breath, speak softly? Different people engage in different behaviors. When you can identify your own it will allow you to try to find alternative behaviors to counteract those habits.
I tend to hold my breath when I’m nervous, so I find being more aware of that and consciously taking slow deep breaths at least allows me to begin calming physically. I also “jabber on and on” so I have to really make a conscious effort to notice the other person. It can become a vicious cycle, where I talk when I’m nervous, notice the person I’m conversing with is very quiet (which might make me more nervous, because of my own internal self talk and doubts about myself, not the other person) and so I’ll talk on and on to fill the silence, only to exponentially increase my anxiety by just not tuning into my emotions and accepting them instead of trying to fix them. That is just an example from my life. You need to figure out what your behaviors are and what you typically do to “remedy” them that may not be working.October 18, 2012 2:45 am at 2:45 am #900406
“oomis, you always have great posts and this one’s included. thanks. I’ll try the open ended questions and see how it goes.”
Thank you. And your member name notwithstanding, I myself am enough of a yenta to want to know how it goes on your next date. Here’s hoping you have a wonderful time!October 18, 2012 3:02 am at 3:02 am #900407
mom22, either way, I found out so there is no point debating if it was correct or not. the thing is, I didn’t feel nervous or anxious on the first date. a bit more shy/quiet than I usually but then again, we had just met. My usual nervous habits are playing with my jewelry so I wore only the minimal so I wouldn’t do alot the fidgeting. the next date is in very dif setting than the first so I’m hoping I can be more of myself. thanks for your postOctober 18, 2012 3:43 am at 3:43 am #900408
🙂 thanks oomis, IY”H it will be good!October 20, 2012 4:46 pm at 4:46 pm #900409NechomahParticipant
YY – Did you go out again? How’d it go? H’ should just help you both to see clearly if this is the right situation for each of you.
Lots of hatzlacha!October 22, 2012 12:46 am at 12:46 am #900410dhl144Member
take a few shots of Vodka that should calm you down. Just brush your teeth or shower b4 the date so u dont smell like alchohol…I was a little nervous b4 my first date in MAY…but it ended up being fun…The only thing that got me uncomfortable was when we both had nothing to say and awkward annoying silence made us both laugh…
I realized during that first dating experience that the less you are actually doing on the date for example like the Hotel typical first date the more awkward and boring its going to be…SO after I took her to a hotel the first date I decided that I am never doing the hotel date again it makes an Awkward sitch even more awkward and the next date i took her too IPLAY AMERICA and between the bowling…arcades…and rides…there was much more chatting and less boring dull moments…GOOD LUCK!October 22, 2012 4:02 am at 4:02 am #900411
dhl144 — GOOOD for you!!! You have come to realize that dating should and CAN be fun. The more you enjoy the time spent with your date, the more easily conversation will flow thereafter. It doers not have to be an expensive first date, just something you can enjoy doing together. Bowling IS fun. So are the aquarium and zoo (though the weather is starting to be a little cool for that). I personally always enjoy mini-golf. The idea is to do SOMETHING, not just sit in a hotel lounge (which btw, seems so seamy and unsavory, when one considers the pritzus that typically is going on in hotel bars and rooms). Why would any Yeshivah recommend that type of potentially unwholesome environment for a date?October 23, 2012 3:05 am at 3:05 am #900412
hi oomis and nechomah, we went out again and it was nice. I had some niggling feelings about him but was thinking about agreeing to another date. in the end he ended it because our personalities didnt match. I’m relieved I wasn’t the one to end it that it didnt work out. but I’ve learned some things about myself from the experience and thats invaluable. BE”H the Aibeshter should send the right one at the right time.
(ps, thanks you crackerjack for your phone call)
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