March 18, 2010 1:17 am at 1:17 am #591417BHTWIAParticipant
Who is supposed to travel for the 1st date? (all other things being equal, such as work/school schedules)
Three possible outlooks that I have thought of:
1. Always the boy. Gemara at the beginning of kidushin says it is the derech of a man to go after a woman. This is proper gentlemanly middos and derech eretz, and girls shouldn’t have to travel first because of k’vuda bas melech p’nima.
2. Always the girl. There are fewer eligible boys, they get to pick and choose, they get to make demands, and one of those demands is that the girl travels for the first date.
3. Whoever is in the smaller city. Out of town always travels to NY. Cleveland and Detroit always travel to Chicago. Or, as I heard in the name of one young man, “I moved to NY to have more opportunities and to be where the most girls are, so anyone still living out-of-town should travel to me.March 18, 2010 2:16 am at 2:16 am #681825volvieMember
Just to add to the discussion, option 2 should have the additional argument (at least in the case of a learning boy) that there is some halachic point (I forget the exact details) that a boy shouldn’t interrupt his learning.
Option 3 doesn’t strike me as either fair or proper. As a practical matter it may play out that way anyways, but I don’t think it should be promoted or offered as a honorable approach to this issue.March 18, 2010 3:07 am at 3:07 am #681826smilingMember
there are no rules but in general the boy comes to the girl and that’s how it should be. volvie go review ur halacha because for dating a boy can definitely interrupt his learning.March 18, 2010 1:59 pm at 1:59 pm #681827WolfishMusingsParticipant
Here’s a silly idea:
The couple works it out among themselves.
Consider it a test — if they can’t work out something this simple, then the shidduch is probably not a good match anyway.
The WolfMarch 18, 2010 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #681828tzippiMember
Neither – Shidduchvision 😉March 18, 2010 3:43 pm at 3:43 pm #681829boredstiffParticipant
does it really matter who goes to who? it doesnt have to be a rule- boys go to girl, whoever’s able to should!March 18, 2010 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #681830dunnoMember
ha ha tzippi! that was a good one!!March 18, 2010 9:09 pm at 9:09 pm #681831boredjewishguyParticipant
I think it’s wrong for a guy to make a girl travel to date him, unless there are extenuating circumstances, he is supposed to be a gentleman after all. Although, if you’re going to make your wife take care of you for the rest of your life, it might make sense to make her come to you.March 18, 2010 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #681832volvieMember
Vi shteit?March 18, 2010 11:07 pm at 11:07 pm #681833d aMember
They both travel. While on the date!!
From what I heard from my brother’s dating experiences, the boy usually travels to the FIRST date. Then the boy, girl, parents and shadchan work things out from there (hopefully!)March 19, 2010 5:23 am at 5:23 am #681834aries2756Participant
If one can’t figure out for themselves who and when either one of them should travel, then why accept dates from out of the area? If that is going to be an issue for the first date it is going to be an issue for the rest of their lives. Where they will live, when to go to which set of parents for Yomim Tovim, when to visit, who will pay for the visit, etc. If the date is within driving distance there is no reason why the boy should not go. If however it is truly long distance, that is something the shadchan should know before she presents the shidchuch. Many young people plan on being “in town” for a week or two of dating to make things go more smoothly, unfortunately when this happens shadchanim tend to set them up with more than one prospect.
How wonderful it would be if people would not go looking outside their own daled amos for their zivig but truly evaluate who’s right next door. I guess they believe things are always greener on the other side.March 19, 2010 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #681835charliehallParticipant
If an about-to-be-dating couple can’t figure out between themselves who should do the traveling, maybe they aren’t ready for marriage? That isn’t a very complicated issue compared to the kinds of things married couples face regularly.March 19, 2010 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #681836d aMember
I respoke to my brother, and he said that today it is accepted that if a boy is in Yeshiva learning, the girl will travel to him EVEN FOR THE FIRST DATE.
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