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Hey guys,
Firstly shana tova and tizku lishanim rabot!
I wanted to ask for your opinions.
I was recently set up with a girl who I have happened to know for a while. She actually inquired about me with my Rav and he set it up. We have gone out 4 times already, and things are progressing very nicely. She is a wonderful girl, and she seems to be excited too. I would like a make a nice gesture before the chag and my first instinct was to send her flowers.
Do you think its too soon? And perhaps is it not a good idea since I am not sure how much she has divulged about me to her family?
If not flowers, what’s something nice I can do?
Kol tuv,
Ir flatbush.
IMO, flowers are given closer to an engagement. If you would like to do something (not sure what your budget is), maybe theres a Sefer/book on Rosh Hashana that you can get. A lot depends on her “type”.
Hatzlacha
(FTR, this is totally based on my mostly inexperienced opinion)
IrFlatbush;
Not a good idea, maybe send an “anonymous”
Shana Tova card to her or family.
have a woman fill it out so it doesn’t feel suspicious.
( especially if your handwriting is anything like mine,
that might be a deal breaker:) )
I guess you can do that with flowers too, if it’s addressed to
Mishpacha Ploni. Not her! You might cause her big problems if you
send her flowers at this point.
Then when it continues and works out, you can divulge it to her
or family and they’ll have a good laugh!
If not, well, you still wished a yiddishe family a Shana Tova in style. No harm done!
That is a bit tricky. Maybe flowers are NOT the best way to go because it might scare her. Maybe send some chocolates for a “sweet” New Year. Depending where you live, there might be a chocolate/candy store near you that might have something appropriate for Rosh Hashana. Also be careful not to write too much on the card, just make it simple or you will take her thoughts off of davening and she will be trying to figure out the inner meaning of your words the entire Yom Tov.
don’t take an example from my story – i’m sure it’s not the norm. but i just thought i’d share it here.
my friend set me up with a guy from chicago (that’s why i live here now – as you all probably know, i’m from ny originally). anyway, we had a nice first date, then he went back to chicago. that friday, my doorbell rang and guess what? there was a delivery of a dozen roses from – you guessed it! the guy i went out with…ONCE. well he came back to ny a few weeks later and we dated every night that week. fast forward 21 yrs.– we are married with 3 wonderful kids (can’t really call them kids anymore – time really flies)
gefen: Is the moral of that story that if a guy sends flowers after the first date, she’ll end up having 3 kids with him?
There are special Rosh Hashana fruit arrangements with the simanim card, honey, etc.
I’ll take the flowers. 😉
depot- i guess so 😉
Gefen,
My story is the opposite. A guy I went out with sent me a huge bouquet after one of the first dates. I freaked out. It was way too soon, and it did not make a good impression. My parents got more excited than me and it made me feel pressured.
No flowers, yet. Anything you send will send the message that you’re interested. I’d wait till sukkos, when you’ll have another week and a half to meet once or twice more, then send something (candy or fruit) platter as a general gesture of good will to the family for the chag.
What do girls like about flowers?
irflatbush – i’m glad u liked my story, but like i said – don’t take an example from it. it may not work for everyone. see mommamia’s post. some girls would get turned off. i actually wasn’t sure what to make of it. i did like getting the flowers but wasn’t sure yet (after all – it was only one date) how i felt. B”H it did work out for us but… you still have to be careful. Hatzlacha Rabba to you and we hope to see you on the mazal tov thread really soon.
Send flowers? Why, have you done something wrong?
Play it safe, and ask your mom / sister to send it.
Sending flowers will only raise suspicion of you having done something wrong.
Besides, if you send flowers now “just because”, what will you use to get out of the doghouse?
(And yes, no matter how great a guy you are, you WILL spend time in the doghouse. We all do.)
I agree that you should wait until Sukkos and if things are still going so nicely and smoothly and you have good feelings about each other then send her something then with a nice card (dont be TOO warm though….) Im so happy for you that things are working out well. is this that girl that you wanted to go out with?
My Rosh Yeshiva instructed me with the following and it worked like a charm up until today: You date a girl in order to know each other. You talk, shmooze, laugh, and get comfortable. But that’s it. First, see if you’re compatible, and if this is who you’d like to spend your life with. Save the mushy stuff, and yes, even flower’s for AFTER the engagement. You don’t want to send any false messages, especially if she’s not your bashert! Flowers to a girl can be an agressive and powerful statement.
When engaged, the less you speak the better. He told me twice a week, (we ended up speaking a bit more :)), but I saw a sense of excitement build before each phonecall/visit. I sent gifts throughout the engagment, and flowers & a cards for Shabbos EACH WEEK. Again, no mushiness and no “I love you”s yet. That is for after marriage. Just HINT your love and that she’s special.
After marriage, go ALL OUT!! She’s your queen, your love, your life, the mother of your kids etc. The trick is, don’t stop!! So far, 10 years and 4 kids later, I can honestly say it just gets better and better.
Ir,
The coffee/study aid package is a great idea and very cute. I think flowers are more romantic and therefore a little different. I had a second date scheduled with my husband for a particular night, and got sick and had to postpone. He was so sweet. He stopped over momentarily just to bring a box of tissues, to be thoughtful. It sounds strange, but it actually made a nice impression. I guess part of how a gift is received is whether the recipient likes you equally and is on the same page. If so, they will receive your gift with eagerness and excitement. If not, with dread and trepidation. Only you can answer that.
BaalHabooze- awesome post. thank you so much for that. your words are so smart and make so much sense. I see it for myself now that im engaged.
in the fast paced world of shidduch dating, where most people decide in the car to the date, if the other person is right for them…It seems like 4 dates is pretty long….that being said I feel flowers to the “family” would be a good idea…
My daughter would also have freaked out and said he is way ahead of her if he sent flowers. Something small is a nice gesture. Flowers is something “everyone” sees. It is out in the open and everyone can ask “who bought those beautiful flowers?”. So something less expressive with less exposure is more appropriate.
adorable – yw and thank you for the compliment!! May i take this opportunity to wish you a hearty mazel tov, and may your wedding be B’Shaah Tova, awesome and the greatest night of your life!!
Some friendly advice: Enjoy your engagement!! That too is a fantastic and exciting time of your life. The more creative and imaginitive your gift exchanges the better, and more exciting it will be. BTW it doesn’t have to be expensive at all. Just a thoughtful line in a letter, share a joke, buy a cute keychain, or any little pitchifkes that will make each other smile.
Thanks for your good wishes. I am having a pretty long engagement (considering the circles that I come from) so I really do have time to enjoy the process. Its a little hard though because its a real “hanging” stage…ur not married but not single anymore. so annoying sometimes. I do make sure to send him packages of baked goods every couple of days…..and we write a lot so thats good. we also speak so….
I agree 100% with what the Rosh Yeshiva told BaalHabooze. Do NOT send flowers to a girl you are dating. It is entirely inappropriate (and will send all the wrong signals). You will IY”H send it to the girl you are engaged to.
Ask your Rav. It’s as simple as that.
I’m confused. Is this girl your ex’s good friend, the one you wrote about or a different girl that your R”Y set you up with?
He said his rov set him up with a different girl.
I like what aries suggested. I think sending flowers at this point is a bit much. Perhaps a nice Shana Tova card, a candy tray, chocolates (nothing heart-shaped), or, perhaps try finding out if she or her family needs something for the Holiday that isn’t so expensive and elaborate that you can get.
If you decide to send food, keep away from anything with nuts.
Ir – I’m so glad your decision worked out! It really was very sweet of you! Again- wishing you Hatzlacha Rabba – a sweet year – and we hope to hear very good news from you soon. Keep us posted!
Once I was dating a guy and he decided to give me shaloch manos after the first date!! So we didn’t really know each other quite properly yet… I should also add that It was also around purim time, so he probably couldn’t resist, I thought it was very sweet of him, and I also got totally freaked out!!! play your cards carefully… I didn’t say no just because of that but ALSO because of other factors as well..
Fantastic!! That was a great decision to go with the box of chocolates! I second gefen’s comment, and hope you find your bashert bekorov, if you haven’t already!! best wishes, and hatzlachah rabbah.
sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. hope you keep up posted!!!!!!!!! That idea with the chocolates was awesome.
MAZAL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!! May you spend many happy, healthy, and safe years with her (and children LOL)!!!!!!
Luv,Me
Mazel tov!!! May we hear many more simchot by all of klal yisroel.
Did you show her the thread???;)
Mazal tov!
Mazel Tov! I just want to say that it’s very nice of you to come back and update us. So often we’re left in the middle of the story and never hear the end. Very considerate of you.
Mazal tov! And now you can send her the flowers!
Mazel tov!!
May you always be happy together and share a beautiful life!
I hope you sent her a nice big flower arrangement! 😉
Yay!!! Mazal Tov!
Mazal Tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mazel tov!!! +1 Nechomah’s post – thanks!
Mazel Tov. That is great news. You should have many many Happy years together. Adorable, how are you doing? Did you get married already, or still engaged?
Heartiest Mazal Tov wishes to you and your Kallah! May you be zocher to build a bayit neeman b’yisrael le she uletiferet le yisrael and you should raise dorot and dorot of Yiddishe neshamot be karov Amen!
What wonderful news!!!
Mazal tov!! May you guys be zoche to a happy and healthy relationship until the end of days! And may Hashem grant you parnasa la’rov nachas from one another and a beautiful family b’shaah tova u’mutzlachas! Amen.
Amen!
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