September 27, 2011 4:39 am at 4:39 am #599649
Firstly shana tova and tizku lishanim rabot!
I wanted to ask for your opinions.
I was recently set up with a girl who I have happened to know for a while. She actually inquired about me with my Rav and he set it up. We have gone out 4 times already, and things are progressing very nicely. She is a wonderful girl, and she seems to be excited too. I would like a make a nice gesture before the chag and my first instinct was to send her flowers.
Do you think its too soon? And perhaps is it not a good idea since I am not sure how much she has divulged about me to her family?
If not flowers, what’s something nice I can do?
Ir flatbush.September 27, 2011 4:49 am at 4:49 am #858699kapustaParticipant
IMO, flowers are given closer to an engagement. If you would like to do something (not sure what your budget is), maybe theres a Sefer/book on Rosh Hashana that you can get. A lot depends on her “type”.
(FTR, this is totally based on my mostly inexperienced opinion)September 27, 2011 5:04 am at 5:04 am #858700bein_hasdorimParticipant
Not a good idea, maybe send an “anonymous”
Shana Tova card to her or family.
have a woman fill it out so it doesn’t feel suspicious.
( especially if your handwriting is anything like mine,
that might be a deal breaker:) )
I guess you can do that with flowers too, if it’s addressed to
Mishpacha Ploni. Not her! You might cause her big problems if you
send her flowers at this point.
Then when it continues and works out, you can divulge it to her
or family and they’ll have a good laugh!
If not, well, you still wished a yiddishe family a Shana Tova in style. No harm done!September 27, 2011 5:09 am at 5:09 am #858701
That is a bit tricky. Maybe flowers are NOT the best way to go because it might scare her. Maybe send some chocolates for a “sweet” New Year. Depending where you live, there might be a chocolate/candy store near you that might have something appropriate for Rosh Hashana. Also be careful not to write too much on the card, just make it simple or you will take her thoughts off of davening and she will be trying to figure out the inner meaning of your words the entire Yom Tov.September 27, 2011 5:20 am at 5:20 am #858702
don’t take an example from my story – i’m sure it’s not the norm. but i just thought i’d share it here.
my friend set me up with a guy from chicago (that’s why i live here now – as you all probably know, i’m from ny originally). anyway, we had a nice first date, then he went back to chicago. that friday, my doorbell rang and guess what? there was a delivery of a dozen roses from – you guessed it! the guy i went out with…ONCE. well he came back to ny a few weeks later and we dated every night that week. fast forward 21 yrs.– we are married with 3 wonderful kids (can’t really call them kids anymore – time really flies)September 27, 2011 5:26 am at 5:26 am #858703DepotMember
gefen: Is the moral of that story that if a guy sends flowers after the first date, she’ll end up having 3 kids with him?September 27, 2011 6:44 am at 6:44 am #858704am yisrael chaiParticipant
There are special Rosh Hashana fruit arrangements with the simanim card, honey, etc.September 27, 2011 9:43 am at 9:43 am #858705ImaofthreeParticipant
I’ll take the flowers. 😉September 27, 2011 10:22 am at 10:22 am #858706
That is a beautiful story, and I must say I have never been shy about doing such things, and in the past it always worked out. I dated someone very seriously, and after about a month she started studying for a professional exam which took much of her time and interfered with our dating schedule heavily. About a week after, she started, I sent her a package I put together of study aids and coffees and other items that would help her during the tough time. For other reasons, down the road, We didn’t have the happy ending you did, but things changed after that, and she always referred back to that gift as a turning point in our relationship, for the better of course.
I feel that these days, guys especially, think too much before doing nice gestures for girls, because they are stuck playing ” that dating game”, when essentially girls just want to see that you care for them and will go out of your way to do to something nice. These things really have a way of setting you apart in their minds. I thought I would seek this advice for perhaps at this point in our dating process, it might be a little too aggressive, although I’m about 95 percent sure, the flowers would go over very nicely.September 27, 2011 12:26 pm at 12:26 pm #858707
depot- i guess so 😉September 27, 2011 12:48 pm at 12:48 pm #858708mommamia22Participant
My story is the opposite. A guy I went out with sent me a huge bouquet after one of the first dates. I freaked out. It was way too soon, and it did not make a good impression. My parents got more excited than me and it made me feel pressured.
No flowers, yet. Anything you send will send the message that you’re interested. I’d wait till sukkos, when you’ll have another week and a half to meet once or twice more, then send something (candy or fruit) platter as a general gesture of good will to the family for the chag.September 27, 2011 1:33 pm at 1:33 pm #858709shmoelMember
What do girls like about flowers?September 27, 2011 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #858710
irflatbush – i’m glad u liked my story, but like i said – don’t take an example from it. it may not work for everyone. see mommamia’s post. some girls would get turned off. i actually wasn’t sure what to make of it. i did like getting the flowers but wasn’t sure yet (after all – it was only one date) how i felt. B”H it did work out for us but… you still have to be careful. Hatzlacha Rabba to you and we hope to see you on the mazal tov thread really soon.September 27, 2011 2:04 pm at 2:04 pm #858711bptParticipant
Send flowers? Why, have you done something wrong?
Play it safe, and ask your mom / sister to send it.
Sending flowers will only raise suspicion of you having done something wrong.
Besides, if you send flowers now “just because”, what will you use to get out of the doghouse?
(And yes, no matter how great a guy you are, you WILL spend time in the doghouse. We all do.)September 27, 2011 2:09 pm at 2:09 pm #858713
I agree that you should wait until Sukkos and if things are still going so nicely and smoothly and you have good feelings about each other then send her something then with a nice card (dont be TOO warm though….) Im so happy for you that things are working out well. is this that girl that you wanted to go out with?September 27, 2011 2:13 pm at 2:13 pm #858714
My Rosh Yeshiva instructed me with the following and it worked like a charm up until today: You date a girl in order to know each other. You talk, shmooze, laugh, and get comfortable. But that’s it. First, see if you’re compatible, and if this is who you’d like to spend your life with. Save the mushy stuff, and yes, even flower’s for AFTER the engagement. You don’t want to send any false messages, especially if she’s not your bashert! Flowers to a girl can be an agressive and powerful statement.
When engaged, the less you speak the better. He told me twice a week, (we ended up speaking a bit more :)), but I saw a sense of excitement build before each phonecall/visit. I sent gifts throughout the engagment, and flowers & a cards for Shabbos EACH WEEK. Again, no mushiness and no “I love you”s yet. That is for after marriage. Just HINT your love and that she’s special.
After marriage, go ALL OUT!! She’s your queen, your love, your life, the mother of your kids etc. The trick is, don’t stop!! So far, 10 years and 4 kids later, I can honestly say it just gets better and better.September 27, 2011 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #858715mommamia22Participant
The coffee/study aid package is a great idea and very cute. I think flowers are more romantic and therefore a little different. I had a second date scheduled with my husband for a particular night, and got sick and had to postpone. He was so sweet. He stopped over momentarily just to bring a box of tissues, to be thoughtful. It sounds strange, but it actually made a nice impression. I guess part of how a gift is received is whether the recipient likes you equally and is on the same page. If so, they will receive your gift with eagerness and excitement. If not, with dread and trepidation. Only you can answer that.September 27, 2011 2:23 pm at 2:23 pm #858716
BaalHabooze- awesome post. thank you so much for that. your words are so smart and make so much sense. I see it for myself now that im engaged.September 27, 2011 2:42 pm at 2:42 pm #858717mikehall12382Member
in the fast paced world of shidduch dating, where most people decide in the car to the date, if the other person is right for them…It seems like 4 dates is pretty long….that being said I feel flowers to the “family” would be a good idea…September 27, 2011 2:58 pm at 2:58 pm #858718
My daughter would also have freaked out and said he is way ahead of her if he sent flowers. Something small is a nice gesture. Flowers is something “everyone” sees. It is out in the open and everyone can ask “who bought those beautiful flowers?”. So something less expressive with less exposure is more appropriate.September 27, 2011 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #858719
adorable – yw and thank you for the compliment!! May i take this opportunity to wish you a hearty mazel tov, and may your wedding be B’Shaah Tova, awesome and the greatest night of your life!!
Some friendly advice: Enjoy your engagement!! That too is a fantastic and exciting time of your life. The more creative and imaginitive your gift exchanges the better, and more exciting it will be. BTW it doesn’t have to be expensive at all. Just a thoughtful line in a letter, share a joke, buy a cute keychain, or any little pitchifkes that will make each other smile.September 27, 2011 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #858720
Wow. Thank you guys so much for the wonderful insight. I like the idea of waiting for sukkot. I will be seeing her today briefly so perhaps I will give her something small, like choclate, but wait for sukkot for the flowers.
Adorable- thanks so much for your kind words. Well as we discussed the issue with the last thread, I had said I would wait for my Rabbi to return before making any decisions. Well my Rabbi got back and said she is a great girl, but said he had another girl in mind who had actually contacted him about me. I knew this girl from beforehand and she had actually reached out to me after the broken engagement as she went through a similar experience herself. My rabbi said try it, she is a great girl and I really think it could work out. B”H its been very good so far.September 27, 2011 3:58 pm at 3:58 pm #858721
Thanks for your good wishes. I am having a pretty long engagement (considering the circles that I come from) so I really do have time to enjoy the process. Its a little hard though because its a real “hanging” stage…ur not married but not single anymore. so annoying sometimes. I do make sure to send him packages of baked goods every couple of days…..and we write a lot so thats good. we also speak so….September 27, 2011 4:00 pm at 4:00 pm #858722tickle toe eitusMember
I agree 100% with what the Rosh Yeshiva told BaalHabooze. Do NOT send flowers to a girl you are dating. It is entirely inappropriate (and will send all the wrong signals). You will IY”H send it to the girl you are engaged to.September 27, 2011 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #858723kol daveedMember
Ask your Rav. It’s as simple as that.September 28, 2011 4:19 am at 4:19 am #858724
I’m confused. Is this girl your ex’s good friend, the one you wrote about or a different girl that your R”Y set you up with?September 28, 2011 4:24 am at 4:24 am #858725tickle toe eitusMember
He said his rov set him up with a different girl.September 28, 2011 4:31 am at 4:31 am #858726MiddlePathParticipant
I like what aries suggested. I think sending flowers at this point is a bit much. Perhaps a nice Shana Tova card, a candy tray, chocolates (nothing heart-shaped), or, perhaps try finding out if she or her family needs something for the Holiday that isn’t so expensive and elaborate that you can get.September 28, 2011 8:10 am at 8:10 am #858727October 2, 2011 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #858728
Thanks so much for the advice guys. I did not end up getting the flowers as discussed. We planned to meet up for coffee Wednesday morning, and on my way towards her office, I stopped off and bought a small box of choclates, and wrote a nice card. It was wonderful! She loved it…and texted me later on how it was so sweet of me.October 2, 2011 6:01 pm at 6:01 pm #858729
Ir – I’m so glad your decision worked out! It really was very sweet of you! Again- wishing you Hatzlacha Rabba – a sweet year – and we hope to hear very good news from you soon. Keep us posted!October 3, 2011 1:32 am at 1:32 am #858730Joseph, Ave IMember
Once I was dating a guy and he decided to give me shaloch manos after the first date!! So we didn’t really know each other quite properly yet… I should also add that It was also around purim time, so he probably couldn’t resist, I thought it was very sweet of him, and I also got totally freaked out!!! play your cards carefully… I didn’t say no just because of that but ALSO because of other factors as well..October 3, 2011 1:38 am at 1:38 am #858731
Fantastic!! That was a great decision to go with the box of chocolates! I second gefen’s comment, and hope you find your bashert bekorov, if you haven’t already!! best wishes, and hatzlachah rabbah.October 3, 2011 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #858732
sounds like you guys are heading in the right direction. hope you keep up posted!!!!!!!!! That idea with the chocolates was awesome.March 8, 2012 10:37 pm at 10:37 pm #858733
Just wanted to let you know that B”H me and the girl discussed got engaged. We are both very excited.
IRFlatbushMarch 9, 2012 1:48 am at 1:48 am #858734LuvMeMember
MAZAL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!! May you spend many happy, healthy, and safe years with her (and children LOL)!!!!!!
Luv,MeMarch 9, 2012 2:34 am at 2:34 am #858735more_2Member
Mazel tov!!! May we hear many more simchot by all of klal yisroel.
Did you show her the thread???;)March 9, 2012 3:41 am at 3:41 am #858736MiddlePathParticipant
Mazal tov!March 9, 2012 5:44 am at 5:44 am #858737NechomahParticipant
Mazel Tov! I just want to say that it’s very nice of you to come back and update us. So often we’re left in the middle of the story and never hear the end. Very considerate of you.March 9, 2012 5:46 am at 5:46 am #858738mamashtakahMember
Mazal tov! And now you can send her the flowers!March 9, 2012 6:00 am at 6:00 am #858739smartcookieMember
May you always be happy together and share a beautiful life!
I hope you sent her a nice big flower arrangement! 😉March 9, 2012 12:36 pm at 12:36 pm #858740ImaofthreeParticipant
Yay!!! Mazal Tov!March 9, 2012 2:29 pm at 2:29 pm #858741
Mazal Tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!March 9, 2012 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #858742PrincessEagleMember
Mazel tov!!! +1 Nechomah’s post – thanks!March 9, 2012 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #858743YenteMember
Mazel Tov. That is great news. You should have many many Happy years together. Adorable, how are you doing? Did you get married already, or still engaged?March 9, 2012 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #858744The Best BubbyParticipant
Heartiest Mazal Tov wishes to you and your Kallah! May you be zocher to build a bayit neeman b’yisrael le she uletiferet le yisrael and you should raise dorot and dorot of Yiddishe neshamot be karov Amen!
What wonderful news!!!March 11, 2012 7:34 am at 7:34 am #858745Think firstMember
Mazal tov!! May you guys be zoche to a happy and healthy relationship until the end of days! And may Hashem grant you parnasa la’rov nachas from one another and a beautiful family b’shaah tova u’mutzlachas! Amen.March 11, 2012 1:08 pm at 1:08 pm #858746more_2Member
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