Friend wants to marry girl he met online

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  • #610598

    I have a friend who got caught up in internet discussion boards and became very busy with them. Unfortunately, not all websites are as careful as this one about keeping people from contacting each other in real life and he ended up meeting a girl. Soon, although after much longer than is mentchlich they get it in their heads that they want to get married. It’s not my place to comment on whether it’s a good idea to marry someone from such a situation – after all, what does it say about her if she would meet with someone from the internet, but at the same time, what does it say about him?

    But the main problem is that they came over to my house last night and my kids saw them. Before we could discuss it, they told my children that they were engaged. I was upset because they knew that I wasn’t thrilled about the whole thing. At the very least, in MY house they should have asked me before they announced that they were engaged. Now am I supposed to explain to my kids how they met?

    #1187408
    besalel
    Participant

    it goes without saying that there is nothing inherently problematic about a shiddich that begins online but very often a relationship that develops online lacks any mamushis and the two not only do not know each other but they “know” a warped and twisted “twilight zone” version of each other that is far removed from reality – which is even worse than not knowing each other at all. as this couple spends more real time together they will know whether it is real or not. in any event, hashem has many ways to form shiduchim. mazal tov.

    #1187409

    They know one another, probably a lot better than someone who meets his/her spouse several minutes before the wedding, as was done for a long portion of history.

    #1187410
    ubiquitin
    Participant

    Be happy for your friend. Mazel tov! what is done is done, now they are getting married wish them the best.

    May they build a bayis neeman biysiroel.

    As for your kids if their old enough to ask they are old enough to know. Doesnt mean its a good idea B”H it worked (so far) for them may it continue.

    #1187412
    ChanieE
    Participant

    Say they met through mutual friends. And maybe the website should get shadchanus …

    #1187413
    🍫Syag Lchochma
    Participant

    why would your kids need to where they met. that’s not a typical question.

    #1187414
    musser zoger
    Participant

    No you aren’t supposed to tell your kids how they met. Otherwise i have no idea why you are so upset. Is it any of your business? The only thing you should do is smile and tell them Mazel Tov.

    If you want to get upset about something…get upset about the self-righteous, judgemental among us. That is something to be upset about.

    #1187415
    zman7777
    Participant

    Just tell them they met at a bar. Problem solved.

    #1187416
    Israeli Chareidi
    Participant

    I understand the concern. By why is it you kids’ business how they met?

    #1187417
    lakewood001
    Member

    Why do you feel a need to have to explain to your kids how they met??

    #1187418
    TIDE
    Member

    I cannot believe that this is anything other than a troll.

    #1187419
    Y
    Participant

    ????? why do your kids need to know and why do they need your approval before announcing their engaement…..??????

    #1187420
    heretohelp
    Member

    Are you sure your kids will care how they met or even be interested in how they met? They met. They’re engaged. Do your kids ask you about how other couples met?

    Anyway, there are some details missing from your story- what kind of website? A frum dating website? A Jewish website? They met. Not everyone meets through a shadchan. I mean, it sounds like you’re hinting at something inappropriate, but it isn’t clear what that is.

    #1187421
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    How old are your kids that you should have to explain how they met?

    #1187422
    zahavasdad
    Participant

    Jdate is a very popular jewish online dating site.

    #1187423
    sharp
    Member

    But the main problem is that they came over to my house last night and my kids saw them. Before we could discuss it, they told my children that they were engaged. I was upset because they knew that I wasn’t thrilled about the whole thing. At the very least, in MY house they should have asked me before they announced that they were engaged. Now am I supposed to explain to my kids how they met?/

    Hmmm… They must have their own etiquette handbook.

    But as far as your children go, I don’t think they’ll ask anything. Just be as nonchalant around them as you can manage and they won’t think into it too much. On the other hand, if they perceive you as anxious or uncomfortable about the engagement, they might start wondering about it and then start questioning you.

    #1187424
    truthsharer
    Member

    My censored post is what all of us are thinking…..

    #1187425
    cholent guy
    Participant

    Wait, you’re upset that your friend and his kallah announced that they were engaged to your children? I don’t get it.

    #1187428
    WIY
    Member

    If your kids are old enough and you feel the will understand then it may be a chinuch opportunity to explain how these 2 met in an inappropriate way online. If they are too young to get it don’t bother. Either way your kids won’t ask how they met because they would assume it’s the normal way through a shadchan of some sort(if you are a more right wing family).

    #1187429
    cholent guy
    Participant

    You are unhappy because your friend and his kallah announced they are engaged? I don’t comprehend why you are upset.What did they do wrong?

    #1187430
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    It is a bad example to set for young and impressionable children. They should say that her teacher or his Rebbe set them up.

    #1187431
    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    You can say that they crashed into each other. When the fighting subsided they decided to marry.

    #1187432
    DaMoshe
    Participant

    So here are two different cases:

    1: “They met when they were involved in the same conversation on an internet site. Their conversation went well, and they continued to talk. They took a while to get to know each other, and thought there was definitely a real connection. After a while, they got engaged.”

    2: “Their parents thought it would be a good match. They sat down on a couch together with their parents for half an hour or so, and everyone spoke together. They then had half an hour or so to speak alone. They didn’t hate each other, so they got engaged. Then they didn’t see each other again until the wedding.”

    Which case sounds worse?

    #1187433
    MCP
    Member

    Poor guy, with friends like this who needs enemies? Mazal Tov. I wish them the best.

    #1187434
    gavra_at_work
    Participant

    You can say that they crashed into each other. When the fighting subsided they decided to marry.

    LOL

    As everyone else said, why can’t you tell the truth?

    #1187435
    yitayningwut
    Participant

    lol

    #1187436
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Sounds like a couple of college shkotzim. You can just tell your kids that they aren’t frum.

    #1187437
    YW Moderator-42
    Moderator

    Does Al Gore get shadchanus for creating the Interwebs?

    #1187438
    ZachKessin
    Member

    FWIW, my wife and I met due to a post she made on an internet mailing list. We have now been married 9 years.

    As for how they met, this your concern how? They don’t need to ask your ok to get engaged, or tell the world about it.

    #1187439
    writersoul
    Member

    How absolutely outrageous. Like Torah said, you’ll have to give a cover story to everyone you know so that this unbelievable craziness doesn’t get out.

    🙂 Mazel tov to friend and kallah!

    #1187441
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Im guessing it was to a jewish kallah?!?! A jewish discussion board heh, wouldnt happen to be a little place I know called the YWN CR, would it?

    Be thankfull she is jewish and frum at least and hope that its from Shamayim, you cant dictate your friend’s life, maybe explain to your older kids that it wasnt the norm but everyone can make their own choices in life, even if you dont agree

    #1187443
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    On a more serious note though, this is a terrible thing. If they were so unconcerned about tznius before they were married, imagine the evil things they will do after they are married. Will they continue dating the random strangers on the internet?

    #1187444
    sharp
    Member

    It is a bad example to set for young and impressionable children. They should say that her teacher or his Rebbe set them up.

    How absolutely outrageous. Like Torah said, you’ll have to give a cover story to everyone you know so that this unbelievable craziness doesn’t get out.

    Not a good idea to be untruthful to children.

    #1187445
    writersoul
    Member

    Shopping- it couldn’t possibly be people on YWN- I like to be DLK”Z and assume that we’re frummer than that over here.

    #1187446
    yitayningwut
    Participant

    I met my wife online.

    #1187447
    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    When my wife and I were dating, there was no “online,” so I can’t say anything about that. However, we met in a way that the OP would likely consider just as (or possibly even more) scandalous — we met on our own.

    Personally, I fail to see what business it is of the OP’s how his friend met his kallah. And as for his kids, I fail to see what the big deal is. Is he afraid that his kids are going to find out that some people don’t use formal shidduch dating? Are his kids currently unaware that there are Jews that aren’t Shomer Shabbos? Is he going to keep that fact from them forever? If so, there is nothing wrong with him telling his kids “Yes, they met online, but that’s not the way we do it…”

    I recall a poster on these boards a while back who told me that I was required to divorce my wife because we didn’t meet through a formal shadchan. When I refused, he told me that I should ask a shaila. When I told him that I’m not going to bother my rav with such a silly question, he accused me of cowardice.

    The Wolf

    #1187448
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I met my wife online.

    Me too. Actually, I never even knew she was online, and then one day we were going down to mitzraim because of a raav, and we passed a apple store and she went on YWN and I said “atah yadati ki eishes yefas toar at”.

    #1187449
    sharp
    Member

    🙂

    #1187450
    yitayningwut
    Participant

    lol

    #1187451
    live right
    Member

    I meet people on line all the time. especially in shop rite. Thursday nights are a pretty popular time to go shopping it seems.

    #1187452
    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    Me too, sometimes on line other people are online, specifically the CR, how many of you have looked behind your backs while posting on line and saw someone staring at you strangely, that was prpbobly me 😉

    #1187453
    Burnt Steak
    Participant

    “But the main problem is that they came over to my house last night and my kids saw them. Before we could discuss it, they told my children that they were engaged.”

    I’m wondering what your kids would have thought if they saw a guy and girl coming together. Would they have thought that they were just friends, a relative, or dating?

    #1187454
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    Kids wonder about these things all the time, but you laugh at them when they ask.

    #1187455
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Something similar happened to me recently, so I took popa’s advice and told them they weren’t frum.

    #1187456
    flatbusher
    Participant

    I don’t know why you went to the trouble to revive a two-year-old thread but based on what did you tell them they weren’t frum? Did they get engaged online without having any in-person meetings? And if they met in person, and seemed to be OK, why demonize the method in which they met?

    #1187457
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I don’t know why you went to the trouble to revive a two-year-old thread

    Because something similar recently happened to me.

    And if they met in person, and seemed to be OK, why demonize the method in which they met?

    http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/friend-wants-to-marry-girl-he-met-online#post-487763

    #1187458
    flatbusher
    Participant

    I understand, but why not just start a new thread with your own details?

    #1187459
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I’m very reluctant to start threads, because I don’t want to push the hebrewbooks directory off of the first page of my profile, so I only do so when absolutely necessary.

    I also don’t want to be too specific, because I’m afraid that the people involved will see that I’m talking about them and get insulted.

    #1187460

    It has been two years since I started this topic, and I am fairly certain that the people it was about did not notice it, or did not get the reference, since they continue to associate with me. My children are still not clear about their relationship, which is even more complicated now that they have a child.

    #1187461
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    That’s good, I hope the couple I know also doesn’t notice.

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