Frumster???

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  • #591303

    sim234
    Member

    anyone know anything about it?

    #675789

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    I’ve never used Frumster, so I can’t answer anything about it anyway.

    However, I think you’ll have much better luck with results if you ask *specific* questions.

    The Wolf

    #675790

    oomis
    Participant

    My friend actually met his wife on Frumster, but he (and I) are middle-aged. My friend’s daughter did not find Frumster helpful – the screening process was inaccurate, and she had some bad experiences with guys she met through them (but none from Saw You at Sinai,which seems to be more organized, though she has not yet met THE one). Good luck whatever you choose to do.

    #675791

    volvie
    Member

    Any Gedolim give an haskama on this? (Or for that matter on this type of thing.) If so, which?

    #675792

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Any Gedolim give an haskama on this?

    Does using a dating website require a rabbinic haskama?

    The Wolf

    #675793

    HIE
    Participant

    Yes it does

    #675794

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Yes it does

    Why?

    The Wolf

    #675795

    HIE
    Participant

    Just like anything else

    #675797

    rescue37
    Participant

    Wolf,

    Frumster is on the internet, and the internet is only allowed for parnassah reasons. So firstly, the young maidel or bochur need a heter from a rav to have the internet at home. Secondly, since the internet is only allowed for parnassah and bochurchik should only be spending his first 10 years of marriage learning, there is no way he should be allwed to use the internet. Therefore the bochur has to have a higher level of special permission for the internet, and once he is allowed on the internet, only approved places are allowed. Concluding that for the young maidel to find the right bochur, the site needs a haskama so bochurchik can go to it and for maidel’e to find the right type of bochur.

    #675798

    jphone
    Member

    Regarding Frumster. I know several people who have profiles for a year or 2 and dont bother updating it because they dont “like it” (not really sure what that means). This is only several people. The frumster site claims to have made many, many shidduchim and I’m sure there are many people with positive things to say about the site.

    #675799

    HIE
    Participant

    Thesedays yes

    #675800

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Everything in life needs a haskama from a gadol?

    Thesedays yes

    So, I should call a gadol before I decide whether to paint my kitchen white or blue?

    Did you consult with a gadol before posting your last post?

    The Wolf

    #675802

    HIE
    Participant

    Ur not funny, u know exactly what I’m talking about and stop making laytzunus of what I said

    #675803

    jphone
    Member

    Wolf. As long as you dont paint it white AND blue 🙂

    #675804

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    So then, HIE, please clarify…

    What sort of things need a gadol’s haskama and what don’t?

    The Wolf

    #675805

    HIE
    Participant

    Please stop making laytzanus

    #675806

    Feif Un
    Participant

    I have a haskamah from the Feifeh Rav to post here! If anyone else wants a heter, just ask!

    #675807

    jphone
    Member

    HIE. You have a haskama from a gadol to write to the YWN coffee room?

    #675809

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Please stop making laytzanus

    I’m not. I’m seriously asking you to clarify for me what things need a gadol’s haskama and what don’t.

    The Wolf

    #675810

    HIE
    Participant

    Signifcant things need haskama

    #675811

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Signifcant things need haskama

    Ok, what’s significant?

    Or, more specifically, why is Frumster “significant?”

    The Wolf

    #675812

    jphone
    Member

    Frumster claims to have made 1,642 shidduchim since 2001. That IS rather significant and (quite impressive), I guess by your definition it does need a haskama from a Gadol (which the site claims to have by the way – you can always email “the team” on frmster and ask them what rabbinic backing they have and who those rabbinics are).

    #675813

    volvie
    Member

    jphone, I’m not sure it matters so much who their rabbinic backing is, so much as who your rabbinic authority is.

    And yes, how and where one finds a shidduch is a major life issue that should be done with the benefit of Daas Torah.

    #675814

    jphone
    Member

    Volvie. THEIR rabbinic backing, just may be YOUR rav (you wont know, unless you ask them, and/or your rav).

    Have you vetted every shadchan who suggested a shidduch through a Rav? Do you know anyone who has? Frumster is essentially a shadchan.

    #675815

    volvie
    Member

    Have you vetted every shadchan who suggested a shidduch through a Rav?

    That wouldn’t be a bad idea. Though failing that, I would certainly strongly suggest getting Daas Torah prior to going through with any particular shidduch.

    Frumster is essentially a shadchan.

    There are serious issues about the medium in this case. Whether they are insurmountable or not, is a matter for Daas Torah.

    #675816

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    That wouldn’t be a bad idea. Though failing that, I would certainly strongly suggest getting Daas Torah prior to going through with any particular shidduch.

    Really? You would ask a rav before each and every shidduch attempt?

    The Wolf

    #675817

    jphone
    Member

    “There are serious issues about the medium in this case. Whether they are insurmountable or not, is a matter for Daas Torah.”

    Did you consult Daas Torah regarding posting messages on YWN?

    #675818

    volvie
    Member

    Wolfish, When I said going through, I meant getting married.

    #675819

    volvie
    Member

    jphone, Did you miss my comment about “a major life issue”?

    #675820

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Volvie,

    So, you consulted a rav about every girl you dated?

    The Wolf

    #675821

    artchill
    Participant

    Since many Frumster matches are for close in age shidduchim…..

    According to AZ, Daas Torah has already ruled close in age shidduchim must be made using ALL means neccesary. So, it’s Glatt Kosher.

    But, with everything else in life, buyer beware!! Don’t trust a guy/girl by their online profile!

    #675822

    volvie
    Member

    Wolfish, Again, I said before deciding to marry someone. You can ask the Rov once it comes to the point where you are considering marrying her/him.

    #675823

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    I said before deciding to marry someone.

    Fair enough. I misunderstood you. My apologies.

    The Wolf

    #675824

    jphone
    Member

    Volvie,

    Is the medium any different? that is what I understand to be your point of contention.

    #675825

    boredjewishguy
    Participant

    Is it really necessary to consult a Rav before getting married? I understand if you’re not sure about something or if there’s an issue you don’t know how to handle; but if everything’s OK and you want to marry the girl, what are you asking? Also let’s say there is no Haskama from a Gadol regarding Frumster, what does that say about the shidduchim they made?

    #675826

    Yanky55
    Member

    One major complaint I’ve had about Frumster is that there are many women who lie about their age (there are so many 39 year old women out there, it is unbelievable!). Yes, I know all about the “heteirim” to do so, but how does a person expect to begin a healthy relationship based on a lie?

    Also, women tend to post old pictures of themselves. I dated two women from the site and when I met them I could hardly believe these were the same women as in the photos.

    #675827

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Yes, I know all about the “heteirim” to do so, but how does a person expect to begin a healthy relationship based on a lie?

    It’s a tough call.

    I know of a single who was looking for someone “from 25 to 35.” I then asked her what if someone who was 36 came along but would otherwise make you happy, would you turn him down?” The answer I got was no, which shows that while people specify age, it’s not always a red line issue. If all other things are good, they may be willing to move a year or two in the other direction. However, when searching a database, the single would have chosen 25 to 35 and would never have seen the 36 year old who might have made her happy. As a result, I can understand why people lie about their ages on line by a year or two.

    That being said, while I understand it, I don’t condone it. I agree with you, Yanky, that a marriage is based on trust and lying about one’s age is a lousy way to start a marriage. I would probably have a real difficulty marrying someone who lied to me about something as elemental as their age. I’d also question their intelligence for lying about something that in the end will have to come out in the open anyway — it’s not like she can really keep her true age hidden (in the U.S.).

    The Wolf

    #675828

    boredjewishguy
    Participant

    “Also, women tend to post old pictures of themselves. I dated two women from the site and when I met them I could hardly believe these were the same women as in the photos”

    I’m guessing not in a good way 😉

    There’s nothing to stop these people from lying to shaddchanim either, unless the shaddchan actually knows them.

    #675829

    artchill
    Participant

    The better the shadchan knows the tricky party, the more they know how to twist things in order to CONvince the other party to go for it. Shidduchim is a very scary thing.

    #675830

    smartcookie
    Member

    BOREDGUY- you don’t HAVE to ask a rav b4 you marry someone. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting married without the haskama and more important, the bracha of a godol. Hatzlacha.

    #675831

    anonymrs
    Participant

    why is it so surprising that someone would ask a rav/rebbi/rebbe before going through with a shidduch? i think it actually says a lot about that person. we are always told that we should consult da’as torah before making big decisions, and as far as i know getting married is pretty big. i hope that when they are ready, my children (sons and daughters alike) consult with someone before going through with a shidduch.

    #675832

    boredjewishguy
    Participant

    smartcookie: I’m all for talking to a Rav, I’m just curious what you would ask the rav. Would the couple go together to the rav before getting engaged? I’m not making fun, I’m really trying to understand what they would ask the rav.

    #675833

    smartcookie
    Member

    Well, some people do go, although separately. Possible that some couples go together but I didn’t hear of that.

    Or you call your rav and discuss it with him, tell him all details and get a bracha. Each side separately. Boy speaks to his rav, girl (or girl’s father)to her rav.

    #675834

    charliehall
    Participant

    My wife and I are frumster match #152.

    We did not consult Daas Torah before putting our profiles up. Nor did we consult Daas Torah regarding what to put in our profiles. It didn’t occur to either of us. In fact, shadchanim had advised me not to put a particular bit of information into my profile because it might scare people away; it happened to be exactly the thing that caused my wife to initiate the first frumster contact!

    That said, I called her rav (Lakewood-trained) and she called my rav (YU-trained) after we connected on frumster but before we met. Any real frum Jew would have a rav who can be honest about a possible shidduch. We did not consult a gedol because neither of us personally knew a gedol. “Make yourself a rav” means a lot more than running to him for every little halachic issue — it means having a spiritual guide. And hearing from the spiritual guide of a potential life partner is well worth a phone call!

    We were engaged 23 days after our first face to face meeting.

    I wish all singles their bashert — through frumster or otherwise.

    #675835

    Just-a-guy
    Member

    Lovely story charliehall. Thank you for sharing.

    #675836

    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    1- Are there any middle of the road Frumkeit-wise Yeshivah guys (from Tora Vdaas, Chaim Berlin, Chofetz Chaim, etc.) on Frumster, or would they be the exception to the rule?

    2- If those kind of guys are hesitant to be on SYAS, where they have the option, if desired, of being private to their chosen Matchmakers, why would they even consider being on Frumster, where all girls can see that they’re on?

    #675837

    boredjewishguy
    Participant

    AZOI.IS: I don’t have a frumster account so I can’t be sure of the details. Just doing a quick search on their website shows that there are quite a few guys in the “Yeshivish Black Hat” and “Yeshivish Modern” categories. I would put myself in the latter category and I think I’d be more likely to use a site like frumster than SYAS. My reasoning is that on SYAS you have to deal with a shaddchan and if I understand correctly they call your references so other people would know you’re using the site (am I wrong about this?). With Frumster I think there’s less verification done so fewer people would know you’re using it (i.e. you can do it without your family knowing). Also Frumster is actually a dating site, meaning that you actually see the details and interact with the people you are interested in. I actually filled out a profile at eHarmony for the purpose of a post I was writing for my blog and I found that there are frum girls on there as well.

    #675838

    volvie
    Member

    “I think I’d be more likely to use a site like frumster than SYAS. My reasoning is that on SYAS you have to deal with a shaddchan and if I understand correctly they call your references so other people would know you’re using the site (am I wrong about this?). With Frumster I think there’s less verification done so fewer people would know you’re using it (i.e. you can do it without your family knowing).”

    boredjewish:

    Dealing with a shadchan is a benefit.

    If you are worried about people knowing you are using these websites, perhaps you should realize that you are worried as such since there is something untowardly about using them. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about people knowing you are engaged in this type of activity.

    #675839

    boredjewishguy
    Participant

    “Dealing with a shadchan is a benefit.”

    Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not. The shaddchan who actually makes a single person feel valued and gives them the time of day seems to be pretty rare. I have met a few good ones so I haven’t given up on them completely.

    “If you are worried about people knowing you are using these websites, perhaps you should realize that you are worried as such since there is something untowardly about using them. Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about people knowing you are engaged in this type of activity. “

    100% wrong. The reason I don’t want other people to know is that THEY may be judgmental and mean. I think you’ve done a fair job illustrating that. My Rav actually suggested that I use one of these sites.

    #675840

    volvie
    Member

    “Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s not.”

    Use the ones that are. Don’t be so judgmental against shadchanim in general. They are far far from rare.

    “My Rav actually suggested that I use one of these sites.”

    Did he suggest Frumster particularly? If not, you ought to consult with him. These shadchan-free websites have many multitudes of dangers in utilizing them. I don’t think I need to enumerate the depth of this danger.

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