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- This topic has 25 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 4 months ago by charliehall.
January 25, 2011 6:13 am at 6:13 am #594462
Gambling is an epidemic in the frum world just like drugs and drinking. Has anyone come across a way to get someone to stop gambling when they don’t beleive they have a problem and won’t go for help. The families are suffering with this deep secret that they must keep so as not to face embaressment.January 25, 2011 9:50 am at 9:50 am #732195amichaiParticipant
if its really bad and not just 2 dollars a week on the lotto games, he really needs professional help. I know in Israel there is a place where adults can go for about 3 mnths, I’m sure in the states you got it also. get him to go b4 he loses your home and family.January 25, 2011 11:10 am at 11:10 am #732196
that would be the answer in the perfect situation. But the question is he won’t go to a professional because he feels he has gambling under control and justifies his going, what suggestions are there to get him to stop.January 25, 2011 11:26 am at 11:26 am #732197pascha bchochmaParticipant
AskRabbi Twerski whospecailizes in this.January 25, 2011 11:59 am at 11:59 am #732198JayMatt19Participant
If he denies there is a problem and he refuses to listen, then nothing can be done at this point in terms of the gambler.
The family, however, can choose not to stick around with the gambler out of fear, embarrassment or what have you. Having his family leave him might be the trigger which gets him to realize that there is an issue. And if it isn’t, well, at least they are doing the best for them.
It all depends on who you are dealing with here. If it is the gambler, you have your work cut out for you, you need to get them to realize that they have an issue and this is not a way to function.
If you are friends with his wife, get her to realize that SHE recognizes the problem, and sticking with him is, in essence, supporting the addiction. Get her to realize that she wont want her credit ruined nor does she want people barging into their home (in front of their kids) to collect money for shady people the gambler did his gambling with.
If you are this woman, you need to do what is best for you and your kids. And I think you know what that is.
Gambling is an addiction, much like drugs and alcohol. And like drugs and alcohol, one is never “cured”. One is always “recovering”. One drink is poisonous to an alcoholic, as is one bet by a gambler.
The issue with gambling, however, is that it is easier to hide. One can easily log on to gambling websites and place credit card bets without people realizing until it is too late.January 25, 2011 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #732199the.nurseMember
R Zecharya Wallerstein gave an awesome shiur on gambling.. he spoke about how he was a major big time gambler as a young guy.. so much so that casinos would call him to come over and play. He speaks about how he stopped gambling and his struggle with it. Maybe it would be helpful to listen to his shiur about it (for yourself)? Or maybe it would be helpful to call him and speak to him about it and maybe he could speak to your husband.
Not sure how to contact him directly but to listen to his shiurim you can go to torahanytime.org and search by his name.
Good luck and I hope the situation improves.January 25, 2011 4:28 pm at 4:28 pm #732200
Addiction is huge problem in the Frum community, be it drugs; alcohol; gambling; pornography. Unfortuntaley most of the time we turn a blind eye to it because we have the attitude of “not by us”. Addictions are a sickness and need to be dealt with as such. Instead of thinking it can’t be, the problem needs to be tackled head first. If you think that you or a loved one has any sort of problem it must be confronted and dealt with.
Unfortunately I have some first hand expeirnece. Maybe this will be the impetus for me to share my story…look for a future thread or open letter.
MOD- I can set up an e-mail address for anyone who wants to contact me off site and ask about my recovery.January 25, 2011 4:58 pm at 4:58 pm #732201fedex11204Member
IS all for forms of gambling a problem if I bet on some sporting events or if I bet on the market does that mean I have a gambling problem. When is it considered a problem or considered an addictionJanuary 25, 2011 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #732202
If you are asking the question………….
Does it consume your day?
Are you always worrying about the NEXT bet or the NEXT day’s market?
Are you keeping it a secret?
If you think you have a problem…..GET HELP
This organization has been advertising on YWN
There are also MANY qualified Frum therapists who can help you.January 25, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #732203fedex11204Member
No it does not consume me …pheww good to know I’m normal
Maybe it does and you are just in denial
🙂January 25, 2011 5:40 pm at 5:40 pm #732204
please remember i am NOT an expert, just speaking from past experience……….
Do you hide your betting habits? If you are married does your spouse know about it?
Unfortunately my behaviors may have led to the demise of my marriage. If there is anything positive to come out of my story, perhaps it is the ability to help someone else avoid what did me in.January 25, 2011 6:08 pm at 6:08 pm #732205bptParticipant
I would point out how the habit is undermining the things he values. Your trust (if this is not something that was known before you got married), the budget (if the ammt is exceeding what you / he can afford to lose), the example he is setting for the kids (if they’re applicable) .
Considering what I stand to lose from a given action is what often keeps me in the green. Try to appeal to that angle.January 25, 2011 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #732206HealthParticipant
I think they have something called Gamblers anonymous – 1-800 -Gambler, something like that. In the frum community this addiction isn’t that common, so perhaps this why there is no org. for this.
Wife -get a hold of one of these org., even a goyishe one and get prof. advice. Don’t just walk out and say it ain’t my problem!January 25, 2011 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #732207LBKParticipant
Probably a better overall conversation once the Super Bowl is long over. Gambling this time of year tends to spike, but just doing it around significant sporting events doesn’t make it a “problem” even if it is frowned upon…January 25, 2011 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #732208HaLeiViParticipant
I don’t want to underestimate the importance of taking care of these addictions that you mention. But, to say that it is a huge problem in the Frum community is a huge stretch.
I walk the streets of Boro Park every day. I haven’t noticed the streets to be lined with brown paper bags. I have many friends, none of them are alcoholics or drug addicts. Would you advise people not to let their children walk the streets of a Frum neighborhood lest they get beaten up by a Frum addict or kidnapped by a Rebbe?January 25, 2011 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #732209
HaLeiVi, do you have any first hand knowledge of the situation to say it is ahuge stretch? I am not saying it is an epidemic, but it is a big problem.
Do you know how many cases of addiction are swept under the rug? One does not need to be sitting on 13th Avenue drinking cheap scotch from a bottle in a bag to have a drinking problem. Do you know how many of your friends drink at home during the week? who needs “just one” drink when he comes home to calm his nerves? And if he was do you think he would tell you? Addicts are not proud of their addictions. Drug abuse does not have to be heroin or crack. I was made aware by a noted askan of an incident last year where on ONE Shabbos 3 teenage boys who come from normal homes and showed no outward signs of being drug addicts were admitted to the hospital for abusing prescription painkillers. The worst part of that incident is that it was swept under the rug as to not shame the families.
It’s no longer enough that on Shabbos morning the men in Shul may enjoy a drink of schnaps with kiddush aftfer davening. We have seen it become a culture of knowing which are the best single malts. How many drinks makes you an alcoholic? What do the bar mitzvah age and teenage boys think? Is that the impression you want to give off? I’m not saying everyone has to abstain from drinking, but if it is becoming part and parcel of our society we are looking at a future generation of drinkers.January 25, 2011 10:13 pm at 10:13 pm #732210ZachKessinMember
Ok the only way he will change is if he wants to change, you can’t do this for someone else. If you want to know if you have a problem look at these questions:
You can also find a list of meetings on that site.
Hope that helpsJanuary 25, 2011 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #732211charliehallParticipant
I know a number of frum people who have been able to kick their gambling addiction through Gamblers Anonymous. It is totally consistent with Judaism. Good luck!January 25, 2011 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #732212January 26, 2011 2:15 am at 2:15 am #732213
Almost all 12 step recovery programs be it alcoholics anonymous, narcotics anonymous, gamblers anonymous follow the same principles. They are also very much consistent with Judaism.
I have discussed these programs with Rabbonim but would suggest that anyone interested speak to their own….
I have seen lots of other people from all walks of Judaism at the various meetings.January 26, 2011 2:18 am at 2:18 am #732214HaLeiViParticipant
I won’t deny that there are those who suffer from addiction, but to call it a huge problem is pushing it very very far. Nobody in my shul drinks Shnapps by Kiddush. I’ve been to other Shuls, too. I haven’t witnessed this phenomenon. Obviously, you are exposed to that element and you see large enough numbers of sufferers to be alarmed about it. Just keep perspective in mind. When you read all the complaints about ‘the Frum community’ you’d think Boro Park/Lakewood/Flatbush is an insane asylum.
I’m not sure we actually disagree; it’s more an issue of a choice of words.January 26, 2011 3:01 am at 3:01 am #732215
Do you people know what goes on in atlantic city. There are so may “frum” men who try to cover up by wearing baseball caps.i’m sure they’re wives and family would be very proud of them. What are these men thinking. Or the local poker games that goes on in the wee hours of the night (right after maariv of course) so that the family won’t know because they are sleeping and the men come home about 4:00 or 5:00 before anyone wakes up. What if the wives would start doing the gambling and drinking like them. Why do the ladies always have to suffer with the addictions that their husbands have.do you think that the husbands would feel the pain the same way
Please, don’t type in all caps.January 26, 2011 4:06 am at 4:06 am #732216HealthParticipant
First of all, I’ve seen these types on the parkway rest stops. I used to travel a lot between Lakewood and NY. At first I couldn’t figure it out -why is a guy with a beard and peyos wearing a blue shirt and pants and a baseball cap? Then I realized they must have been gambling in A.C. BTW, this is a very small percentage of frum Jews, definitely not as many who are alcoholics. Second of all, if you’re the wife -don’t go with them to A.C., this just condones their behavior. When the guy asks “How come?” -tell him the truth- say “I would like you to go to a therapist, I think you might have a problem”. If he is in denial, you go and find out what to do. Arguing, will not make him wake up and smell the coffee. Do what you have to do, but under guidance of mental health prof. & Rabbonim!January 26, 2011 2:01 pm at 2:01 pm #732217
Not everyone who goes to Atlantic City or gambles once in a while is an addict.
As with any addiction it is important to know the warning signs and take action before the addiction becomes too great. Obviously, the best way to avoid becoming an addict of any kind is to abstain from that activity.
Just for your information… Alcohol and Drugs are considered the same when it comes to addiction. Alcohol is a drug and those in recovery from one need to stear clear of the other.January 26, 2011 4:18 pm at 4:18 pm #732218cherrybimParticipant
To the wives of compulsive gamblers: Play the percentages yourself and get out of your marriage as soon as possible.
You know that you can’t ever believe a word he says and he has emptied out the accounts and there is no money in the house and owes money to all your relatives and friends.
Don’t waste your life and don’t have any more children with this man. Make the move. See Dr. Twersky’s on-line video.January 26, 2011 6:06 pm at 6:06 pm #732219charliehallParticipant
To anyone with a gambling or other addiction problem, and to anyone with a family member with such a problem: Here is a resource for the Jewish community:
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