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In the frum BY world I seem to find an issue that keeps arising, that is effecting many BY girls who are now out of school.
Now that many of our friends are getting engaged n married- there is a “known” “chiyuv” that when attending the Vort, (sometimes L’chaim too), shower, and schtick (plus rides ect) you MUST chip in towards the gift.
That doesnt mean if you chip in for the Vort Gift ur excused, you ALSO havta chip in for the shower gift, and all the shower preps…and dont forget schtick! By the time the wedding is over- we’re BROKE! And it becoming a REAL issue.
It doesnt HAVTA be an obligation, you can give for one thing if you want, and THATS all…its really gotten out if hand. How do we go about this in a normal fashion?
“you MUST chip in towards the gift.”
Is someone going to haul you off to jail if you dont?
I went to a Bais Yaakov too. At the beginning everyone gives, and then the cheapos start dropping and when you are at the point where I am, where you are one of less than 10 left who are unmarried pretty much no one gives.
So, if you want, give. If you dont want, dont give.
It is really a very sad state of affairs. The first one who gets engaged gets all the excitement and everyone is jumping out of their skin to do “everything” for her. By the time the last girl in the group gets engaged the rest of the chaburah have moved away, have a bunch of kids, haven’t spoken to the Kallah in years and so forth. It really isn’t fair or nice.
Maybe what you should do is make a bank account with two girls as secretary and treasurer and collect the same amount of money for the entire group, basically enough to cover ALL the girls if you were all getting married at the same time. And do this BEFORE anyone gets engaged. You all decide how much money each is putting into the account, you each choose who would be the one in charge of their parties and you each get to write up a wish list within the budget. The girl in charge of the first Kallah’s party can only spend the agreed upon amount and has to stick to the wish list. If the newlyweds move away, you can choose new “officers” and change the signatory at the bank. But the money will always be available at the bank when the next girl gets engaged. Even when the last girl gets engaged her kallah fund will still be there and available for her wish list.
New friends can buy things on their own or join the system to keep it going, but no one will feel used for having spent a fortune on other girls and not have anything to show for it when it is their turn. What do you think about that?
Great idea aries. But how likely do you think you are to change the world to follow that idea?
We don’t have to change the world. If one group starts, others will follow.
Maybe this should be discussed with your mechanechet in senior year, or with a very beloved teacher in seminary. That will motivate the girls to be mature and do the right thing.
what r u girls doing with ur babysitting money otherwise. buying makeup?
i think a lot of this should stop. have you been to any vorts lately? the newest shtick is to give giftware as gifts. couples are getting platters and napkin rings and a few peices of stemware and all kinds of narishkeit that is probably not even their tastes. the gift stores are making a fortune but I don’t think anyone else benefits. they are costly and i am sure most don’t get used. I was at a vort of a couple that plans on living in Israel, do you really think they are shlepping all that stuff with them? Save the money and buy a really decent wedding present.
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