Get Over Ended Shidduch
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- This topic has 23 replies, 18 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 4 months ago by EJMRBro.
December 31, 2021 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #2046936anonjewParticipant
How can someone get over an ended Shidduch when they thought it was going so well, but the other party suddenly ends it?January 1, 2022 6:16 pm at 6:16 pm #2046942
Swallow and move on.January 1, 2022 6:16 pm at 6:16 pm #2047004PekakParticipant
Apparently, this person doesn’t want to be with you for all of eternity.You should thank Hashem that it ended sooner rather than later.January 1, 2022 6:16 pm at 6:16 pm #2047005PekakParticipant
Apparently, this person doesn’t want to be with you for all of eternity. You should thank Hashem that it ended sooner rather than later.January 1, 2022 8:57 pm at 8:57 pm #2047060Zaphod BeeblebroxParticipant
TequilaJanuary 1, 2022 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #2047065
I’ve been there several times, and it’s not always as easy as “well they weren’t your bashert, so be thankful and move on!” which conbines the oft quoted attitudes of the previous replies. There is a lot of pain in uncertainty, a spectre of “is there something wrong with me?” which if allowed to fester can be very harmful. It can also make you gunshy, because you might think “I thought everything was great the last time, and look what happened!”.
In my experiences, it’s usually something simple that the other side determined to be a deal breaker; something they needed on their checklist which wasn’t met. Sometimes there are facets of a person’s personality that the other side determined would bother them too much. Not giving a reason for them is preferable to having to say something potentially insulting. There can also be an exterior reason, such as a family member acting irrational (this happens quite often) based on some hunch or intuition.
Your “radar” isn’t out of sync; men and women are extremely different, and women are often very good at concealing how they feel about something or someone. There aren’t always signs to read or cues to pick up on.January 1, 2022 9:01 pm at 9:01 pm #2047061BaltimoreMavenParticipant
It’s not uncommon for the side which ended it to come back later and say yes, and for the marriage to be long and happy. I’m aware of such situations. In other situations the side that ended things ends up recommending a friend or family and it works out. Lesson?
Never burn any bridges.January 1, 2022 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #2047080yungermanSParticipant
Ever heard of Bitachon and Emunah? (Faith and Trust) in Hashem. Start working on it and make a daily learning Seeder of the Sefer Chovos Halevovos (duties of the heart)
I.e. do you Doubt Hashem would only do what’s best for you? Trust Hashem now too with complete faith and trust in Hashem that this was for your good that it stopped now before moved into marriage and then divorce C”V
May Hashem send your your true Zivvug very soonJanuary 1, 2022 10:25 pm at 10:25 pm #2047100
It seems to me that the OP’s scenario is not significantly different than if a guy is very interested in the girl from around the corner but he becomes aware that the interest isn’t reciprocal.January 1, 2022 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #2047106Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
Without getting too depressed, you may still ask yourself a question – what middos might have turned them off? Ask a teacher or a good friend. And work on improving that middah.January 2, 2022 6:00 am at 6:00 am #2047166
It’s really sad that no one is being the least bit sympathetic; shidduchim can be very painful; it can make a person feel rejected.January 2, 2022 9:19 am at 9:19 am #2047233
IMHO, with a stress on the “H”, the reason for all the unnecessary stress people experience in shidduchim is because the tzibbur has moved further and further away from how Yiddishe shidduchim have been done for time immemorial. When Tattes were Tattes and when kinderlach were kinder, two Tattes would get together and agree that my Yankel in Cheder is a perfect match for your Shaindel in your Yiddishe shteeb. A few years after the Bar Mitzvah we’ll make a nice little chasuna, with the Seudas Mitzvah on Friday night after Shabbos davening.
I don’t know if we can get all the way back to that ideal, though that should be the goal certainly, but surely we should move back as close to the above scenario as practical and feasible.January 2, 2022 11:45 am at 11:45 am #2047287
Ujm, chasidim have a system which is so much less stressful, and doesn’t result in emotional disturbances – halevai we can do things that way, but in the meantime, sensitivity is necessaryJanuary 2, 2022 12:05 pm at 12:05 pm #2047291Always_Ask_QuestionsParticipant
> When Tattes were Tattes
Most people used to have choices within their town and maybe a nearby. A T’Ch may have choices from some other T’Ch and gvirim in a larger area. Now, you have choices all over the world and padded descriptions of each that require FBI investigations. Too many choices lead to unhappiness. There are experiments that having 3 yogurts to choose from makes people happier than having 20.January 2, 2022 2:29 pm at 2:29 pm #2047318HistorianParticipant
Diversions?January 2, 2022 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #2047346commonsaychelParticipant
how about this to take your mind off of this subject, go to the certain frum website, sign up and post your first post about this subject.January 3, 2022 5:05 pm at 5:05 pm #2047841Dr. PepperParticipant
I sympathize with what you’re going through- it’s definitely very painful and there’s not much anyone can say or do to alleviate the pain. Time will heel though and hopefully soon you’ll find your bashert. At that point you can look back and you just may see the יד השם.
From a spiritual perspective- have faith that השם has someone better in mind for you.
From a practical perspective- this means that you’re one closer to finding the right one. (You’ll probably also appreciate them more given what you had to go through to find them.)
As far as the person you just went out with- please don’t hold it against them or think too deeply into what may have gone wrong. As someone who unfortunately had to be that person in the past, I can attest that it doesn’t mean that the person felt that they were better than you or that something wasn’t perfect about you- it can mean you weren’t what they had in mind.
It’s frustrating that the way the process works you can end a date with all the right formalities and can’t wait until you get to speak with the other person again but then never get the chance to. That’s just how the process has to work for צניות purposes.
When I was in your situation I would say some תהילים, not that the person should reconsider, or that the next one should work. Rather I’d ask השם to send the right one at the right time and with as little aggravation and hurt feelings (on both sides) as possible.
May you be זוכה to find your true bashert at the right time.
Until then, the Coffee Room is chock full of horror stories that others have gone through. Go ahead and check them out- it may cheer you up.
א גוטין חודש
AviJanuary 3, 2022 8:44 pm at 8:44 pm #2047884crazy horseParticipant
You might have thought this is the one for me.
If you’re a boy, just remember there’s a nicer girl out there.
And if you’re a girl, just remember there’s a more accomplished funnier guy out there.
I’ve been there a few times, thought it was the perfect love story, only for it to go down in flames.
so maybe it was a nightmare dressed like a daydream.January 4, 2022 1:05 am at 1:05 am #2047937🍫Syag LchochmaParticipant
Thanks for the chizuk. Hearing people come to support someone who is hurting always inspires me to up my game. Yasher koach.January 5, 2022 9:24 am at 9:24 am #2048316lakewhutParticipant
Take a few days to process it and get back in the saddle and meet the next one.January 5, 2022 1:29 pm at 1:29 pm #2048399BubbieTexParticipant
You’re in pain and I’m sorry. Please know that Hashem has someone much better in store for you. When you meet and marry that person, do not ever look back – instead be thankful that you are with your true mate! Meantime, until you meet your bashert, take every little blessing that Hashem gives you (you can breathe, you can see, whatever it may be) and thank Hashem for that. The more you thank Him, the more He will give you. B’hatzlacha.January 5, 2022 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #2048422The little I knowParticipant
Having experienced quite a few situations of broken shidduchim, boys’ side and girls’ side, I must comment on the generalizations that are typical to these discussions. Boys and girls are very different, in their values, their tendencies, their middos, and all of this is dwarfed by the individual differences between any two people.
The factors in every situation are unique. And many of the issues may well be beyond human grasp. Imagine that someone can share a rational reason for wanting in or out of a shidduch. We can converse about this, agree, disagree, and our thoughts and positions on this may actually matter. However, if the reasons that someone is attracted to or repelled by a prospective chosson or kallah emanate from the emotional side, all our discussions are a huge waste of time. People differ on how much emotional connection they want to feel to enter into a shidduch or to withdraw from it. You cannot legislate emotion.
We have all heard prescriptions from various people, sometimes professionals, sometimes roshei yeshiva, sometimes just friends and acquaintances on how many dates someone needs to have before looking to conclude a shidduch. I frown on these bits of advice, as they generalize something with is specific and unique to each individual.January 6, 2022 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #2048827MosheFromMidwoodParticipant
Been there and the key in the original post is “thought” it was going well. Obviously feelings were not mutual and there is not much one can do about it and you need to be mature enough to accept that unless you want to dig further to find out and that revelation may be even more painful. Sometimes going out can be very pleasant and we think if it is pleasant it must be going well without knowing that maybe the other party is neutral and waiting for some breakthrough feeling that doesn’t comes and sees it is not going anywhere and ends it. A good shadchan may convince the other party that it is still worth another try, but bottom line is, just move on.January 20, 2022 8:33 pm at 8:33 pm #2052988EJMRBroParticipant
Shidduchim is hard. Just hang in there anon.
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