December 5, 2012 7:14 am at 7:14 am #607257LemonySnicketParticipant
I’m Getting married in a week G-D willing. Any tips, insights or pearls of wisdom for this nervous chosson would be much appreciated.December 5, 2012 8:09 am at 8:09 am #910898NechomahParticipant
I heard a great shiur last summer from R’ Reisman and he said that when your wife-to-be tells you that she burned dinner or something else like that, don’t say, “It doesn’t matter, we can just go out for dinner.” or some other similar response. He said that what your wife is telling you is she is very upset that she burned your dinner. When you tell her “It doesn’t matter”, she can hear that as saying it doesn’t matter that she is upset. Very easy hole to fall into and very hard to get out of. Be aware that it’s there. Try to be sympathetic and think about how she is feeling rather than just how to fix the problem. You could try something like “You are probably upset that dinner burned, would you like to go out to dinner?” Show her that you’re trying to understand how she’s feeling and she won’t feel rejected. You’ll probably get tons of other advice. It should be a binyan adei ad!!!December 5, 2012 11:18 am at 11:18 am #910899147Participant
When you break the glass under the Chuppa, make sure to utilize the heel of your shoe, and not the front part.
Also, do not wear a new pair of shoes for actual Chasunah day, as not conducive to dance in a new pair of shoes.December 5, 2012 1:08 pm at 1:08 pm #910900Be HappyParticipant
Never go to sleep angry – ALWAYS make up before.
Wishing you all the greatest brochos to build a Beis Naomon Byisroel happily GEZUNNTERHEITDecember 5, 2012 2:06 pm at 2:06 pm #910901funnyboneParticipant
My rule #1; Don’t just ask people for advice! Find a Rebbe, Rav or mentor to discuss your issues with.
A great Sefer is Veyodata Ki Sholom Oholecha.
My advice is to make sure that your kallah knows that she is the #1 person in your life. No one comes even close. Do this in both words and actions.
It’s normal to be nervous before taking a big step. Relax and enjoy, I’m sure that you made a great choice with your kallah.December 5, 2012 2:07 pm at 2:07 pm #910902HaLeiViParticipant
Learn how to disagree.
Don’t bottle up feelings, they’ll incubate. Be open, but know and plan how to express your feelings.
Try not to agree or disagree when you hear a complaint about a family member. Just be sympathetic to the problem and feeling.
Although it is your home, you are not a child in his mother’s home. Don’t act silly. You now have a role to fill.December 5, 2012 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #910903rebdonielMember
My advice would be to cherish your kallah. And communicate well. Don’t bottle up your emotions or feelings. It is unhealthy and will only cause you to resent her. Openness and honesty are crucial.December 5, 2012 2:55 pm at 2:55 pm #910904frummy in the tummyParticipant
There’s nothing to be nervous about – yes, this is a new chapter in life, one that you have zero experience with, but you know that marriage will be good for you, and you know that you enjoy being with this person. You don’t have to know that life will be perfect, because it won’t. But you can be proud of the decision that you made, and you should realize that you and she are capable of working through any situation that may arise. I’m not such a big believer in the whole bashert thing – whether it’s true or not, I think that line of reasoning is counterproductive, and I believe that as long two people WANT to live happy, productive lives together, they will.
Hatzlacha rabba, and mazel tov!!December 5, 2012 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #910905CuriosityParticipant
A wise man told me the 15 minute rule… when you come home after a long day and are tired and in no mood to have a conversation, push through it and give your wife about that long to hear how her day was. After around 15 minute she’ll realize that you actually care, and she will stop talking. Just pretend your day isn’t over until 15-20 minutes after you come home, and don’t walk into the house with the perception that you are done for the day. She doesn’t REALLY need to tell you about her day, she just needs to feel like you care, which you obviously do, but guys simply don’t view this one action as such an important thing like girls do, and so neglect it too often. Give her the attention she needs and deserves, and then you can go relax.December 5, 2012 3:25 pm at 3:25 pm #910906BaalHaboozeParticipant
First of all, mazel tov! I wish you so much brochoh, happiness, and gezunt to you and your kallah!
Answer : C.
I have more snippets I’ll post later. Hatzlochoh!
L’chaim LemoneySnicket, l’chaim!December 5, 2012 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #910907thehockMember
Mazel Tov! I think it’s only fools who aren’t nervous before such a big event.
Get ready to develop your middos.
John Gray’s “Men are From Mars” was a useful tool for understanding why men consider a vacuum cleaner a great gift, and why women need to go shopping (or something like that). It helps if you can use the ideas to build empathy, the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Empathy is the ability to give the other person the feeling that you understand where they are coming from, and are there to emotionally support them. It is not taking your wife’s side against her boss (in a typical situation) “Wow, he is so mean”. (Or worse, “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!”) In fact, your wife would (in normal circumstances) want you to just hear her out, and help her ride out the wave of the emotion so she can get to a place where she can make peace with whatever incident occurred and move on.
Also, Rome wasn’t built in a day – when you encounter a bump, keep a sense of proportion. A good relationship is built in the course of years.
@Be Happy: that reminds me of a funny variation – never go to sleep angry – stay up and fight! Actually, we have a different rule – never go to sleep angry, just go to sleep with the knowledge that when you wake up, you’ll have more mental and creative energy to see the other’s perspective.
May you be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel filled with bracha.December 5, 2012 3:55 pm at 3:55 pm #910908crisisoftheweekMember
Equal division of labor. Unless poppa in law is paying the bills, then you are in wifeys pocket and should just try and be housebroken.December 5, 2012 4:06 pm at 4:06 pm #910909yytzParticipant
Buy the book Garden of Peace by R’ Shalom Arush, and try hard to implement its teachings. Seriously — this book is the real deal! Every time I have the slightest problem with my wife I realize it would not have happened if I had followed the book’s teachings, and every time I implement it, things get better immediately.December 5, 2012 4:11 pm at 4:11 pm #910910MameMayneMember
Remember – ‘Gam Ze Yaavor’December 5, 2012 4:32 pm at 4:32 pm #910911MCPMember
“Nashim Daat’an Kaalos” – Everytime your wife does something that you think is stupid, remember that she’s not a guy. Also remember that at least one of your friends (we all have that friend) has a wife who is a billion times worse at the same thing, so really, you are lucky that this is all that it is.December 5, 2012 5:12 pm at 5:12 pm #910912agentParticipant
It is very important to have a Rebbe, mentor, someone that is not a close relative.
Never say anything negative to your parents, siblings etc. about your spouse or her family.December 5, 2012 5:37 pm at 5:37 pm #910913basyechida nomoreParticipant
Thehock, great post. I agree with everything besides for your last comment. Going to sleep before straightening out a disagreement can be a very bad idea. Because if there’s no time in the morning to talk about it, it’ll keep being pushed off and then what was initially a little disagreement may very well turn into a full blown fight.December 5, 2012 6:10 pm at 6:10 pm #910914BaalHaboozeParticipant
When I was a chosson someone told me that if your wife ever asks you something like ,”does this (sheital, dress, etc) look good or funny to you?” never say “yeah it looks fine” and run out the door. Give a suggestion, maybe if you wear it like this or like this, etc. If she ASKED you, then something was bothering her about the look, she doesn’t want to hear you say, ‘Yeah, it’s fine, now let’s go!’, that means you don’t care how she looks and being on time is more important to you than how she looks.
With that little eitzah, we were NEVER late to ANY of our sheva brochos!December 5, 2012 7:08 pm at 7:08 pm #910915Racheli5959Member
Always be “other focused”. If you only focus on your wife’s happiness – she will undoubtedly do the same and focus on your happiness.December 6, 2012 6:21 pm at 6:21 pm #910916thehockMember
@basyechida nomore – it’s true that that rule will not work for everyone, but it’s good to keep in mind that feeling tired often leads to things being blown out of proportion.December 7, 2012 12:22 am at 12:22 am #910917ChortkovParticipant
Learn how to compromise – If you want to paint the room white and she wants to paint it pink, YOU paint it PINK!
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