July 31, 2012 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #8891232scentsParticipant
I think that it depends what the attractiveness is. If it something that is gross, or because she is not a Trophy wife.
The fact that his eyes wandered and saw something nicer, should not (in my opinion) be sufficient enough to ask for a divorce.July 31, 2012 5:36 pm at 5:36 pm #889124
pool: A wife can be divorced for burning his dinner.July 31, 2012 6:13 pm at 6:13 pm #889125ToiParticipant
hmmmm. this pool guy has existed for precisely less time then ive had to go where the king goes alone, and switches the thread to a controversial and potentially disgusting idea. troll giggling in a dorm.July 31, 2012 6:25 pm at 6:25 pm #889126poolMember
2scents – if i see it as a defect and everytime i look at her i see it, i guess u could define it as ‘something gross’.July 31, 2012 7:04 pm at 7:04 pm #889127HealthParticipant
pool -“what do people think;
If one finds their wife unattractive (after being married for a short while) and it is causing their marriage to wither – is that grounds for divorce?”
You have just proved that there are people out there that think marriage is disposable. My point is Not whether you have to stay married to an unattractive spouse or not. It’s your whole way of thinkng. Almost all cases of marital problems are not clear cut about divorce. Professionals should make this decision with you.
So how could s/o ask if they find their spouse unattractive, is this grounds for divorce? The only question that should be is if they find their spouse unattractive, should they go for marital therapy?!July 31, 2012 7:39 pm at 7:39 pm #8891282scentsParticipant
I dont see any point in arguing with you. I do think that you got my point.July 31, 2012 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #889129HealthParticipant
Bustercrown -“As some here already know, I’m one of those In a bad marriage with a spouse whose addicted to Internet. He denies there’s a problem and refuses to get help. We had seval marriage counselors try to help, my spouse rejected all their advice as soon as it didn’t suit him. He made promises only to break them. I believe my spouse won’t get real help unless the kids and I leave him.”
Please read my posts in the other topic. Even though I’m divorced, I by no means am an expert. My field is medicine, not mental health. I did write over there that as a last resort s/o can give an ultimatum and if he doesn’t go to therapy -she should divorce him. I’m not going back on my words, but after reading your post carefully, I don’t think you’re at that stage yet.
“He denies there’s a problem and refuses to get help. We had seval marriage counselors try to help, my spouse rejected all their advice as soon as it didn’t suit him. He made promises only to break them.”
I understand that this is a very emotional thing that you are going through, but right here you are not being honest. There is a difference between refusing to get help and going to therapy and rejecting their advice. If the latter is what’s really going on, then there are a few options besides divorce.
One option is -not every therapist is suited for e/o. I’m not saying these therapists are incompetent, just sometimes people need a certain personality type in a therapist. Perhaps you need to try other therapists -for the right one?
Sometimes even when the therapist is suited to the client and they’re still not getting anywhere -it’s because additional help is needed. This help is taking medication. The person to see for this is a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will evaluate the person to determine if meds are needed. This btw, is a common scenario -lots of people who are not improving in therapy, all of a sudden when the meds kick in – it’s like nite & day.July 31, 2012 11:28 pm at 11:28 pm #889130ToiParticipant
Health- just get him to smoke and then she has a way out, lisheetuschuh.August 1, 2012 1:56 am at 1:56 am #889131MammeleParticipant
Choppy: ( I finally took the bait) isn’t that when the wife is PURPOSEFULLY burning his dinner?August 1, 2012 3:42 am at 3:42 am #889132
Mammele: No. The halacha applies even if she is just a poor cook.
Or even if she’s a good cook, but it happened even one time.
(Rebbi Akiva goes further and rules that a man may divorce his wife simply because he has found a “more fitting woman.”)August 1, 2012 4:14 am at 4:14 am #889133Sam2Participant
Choppy: Isn’t that Shittas Beis Shammai? Does the Mechaber (or anyone?) Pasken that way? By a first wife?August 1, 2012 11:17 am at 11:17 am #889134
Sam: No, it’s Shittas Beis Hillel (and how we pasken, though Rabbeinu Gershom changed things a bit for Ashkenazim.) Beis Shammai is more machmir when he may divorce her (i.e. for immorality not for simply burning his food), but we don’t pasken like B”S. (Nor do we pasken like Rebbi Akiva who says he may divorce her if he found a prettier woman or like R. Meir who holds that if a woman ate, walked haughtily, or nursed a baby in the market, her husband must divorce her.)
The Achronim go back and forth whether its dealing with a zivug rishon or sheini. They essentially say one should be much more reluctant to divorce a zivug rishon, although strictly according to halacha he may do so for a small reason, though it is very discouraged.
Shulchan Aruch paskens that if a woman is not modest like proper Bnos Yisrael, it is a Mitzvah to divorce her.
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