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I went out on a shidduch date and was told no after I thought it was a pretty good date. It’s not that hearing no is hard but it’s that feeling afterwards. Now, I still have to go thru the whole process and start all over and it’s getting really upsetting!!
Help someone, please!
happiest,
im so sorry to hear it must be hard! but have in mind that it must be he’s not your bashert and there is something much better for you out there!
If you are in contact with professionals, you can ask for cues to be able to tell what the other person feels regardless of your own good time. You can also ask for guidance about behavior. Sometimes a certain behavior can be enjoyable to you while being offensive to him.
There was once a big gadol that gave every shadchan that red a shidduch money because each shidduch redt to you brings you closer to the right one..so this boy had to be redt to you so that you can now be closer to meeting the right one for you..good luck…
Believer has the right attitude. You’ve just gotten one step closer to the right one.
sing to yourself the song, “This time it will be different, i’ve heard those words so many times before….”
(when not sefirah, listen to the song).
i know someone who once walked down to this song. 🙂
but, it is hard. talk to friends. find something enjoyable to do. write in a journal. and know that one day these sad feelings will be just a very distant memory.
I am so sorry, and I have known your pain, many, many years ago. But hearing no is part of real life, and a grownup learns to accept the “no” along with the “yes.” Sometimes YOU might be the one saying no. It hurts, but it is what it is. Because you see how hard this has been for you, please make every effort yourself to be considerate and thoughtful of the next person that you might have to say no to (not implying that you are not a considerate person already). It will get better, I promise you. And B”EH, the right person should say yes to you VERY VERY SOON.
Quite honestly..til a person meets the right one they dont even kno exactly what they are looking for and what they will end up with.(many times they end up with someone they never would of dreamt of at first) so wen you were told no it can just mean that its upsetting for the moment but truthfully i dont think its possible to kno if this person in particular is exactly what u needed and therefor are upset u were told no..so just wait and see who you land up with.
In line with believer’s last comment. I seriously went out a girl who was really different than my wife. She was what I thought was for me. Breaking up with her gave me better insight. After I first started dating my wife, I thought that she was not my type, but I quickly remembered that I was mistaken about my type.
Hugs(((((((((((Happiest))))))))))
shidduch dating is so not fun but honestly the worst part is when its not mutual. i went out with a guy long distance, he would come into ny every month and we would go out, but after a few month i couldnt deal with the long distance thingy so i told the shadchan its over. a few month later, i tried to set him up with a friend of mine, he said no to her but was interested in dating me again, idk why i said yes, i felt like he was what i wanted for a husband (yes he was rich and he was a football player) but we didnt connect. anyways i went along with it and i flew to europe to see his life style and meet his family and friends. i loved it there but i knew i wouldnt be happy. anyways i remember crying on the plane home and the steward was really nice and he gave me a stack full of napkins and asked if i was okay. i was okay, i was happy but i didnt want to start all over.
bh he said no after one date, in my opinion (and from experience) its better not to date anyone than to date the wrong guy!!
stay strong ur zivug is on his way…
happiest,
Don’t tell us; we’re powerless. Direct your heartfelt emoting to the only One with power. I’ll pray for you too and have you in mind tomorrow morning when I give the bracha.
@bpt-
If she’s bored now, why should she commit herself to being bored for life? Continuing the relationship when she knows it’s not going to go anywhere (if for know other reason than the fact that she doesn’t want it to) is not doing anyone any favors; it’s just wasting the guy’s time and money and giving him false hope.
@happiest-
Just do it – you’ll feel much better afterwards!! (Unfortunately I speak from way too much experience :-p …)
Whoops, my post was meant for the “saying no” thread. Sorry…
Personally, I feel that it is way to easy to say no. I feel that after every date we should implement that the boy and girl talk about how things went and maybe then there will be less “misunderstandings”. However if its an attraction issue that should have been resolved beforehand with a photo.
Happiest: I’m truly sorry to hear that. Although I’ve never gone out on a date (yet), I’ve had other difficulties to understand your pain. Life is full of “no’s”. Oh, it’s so hard to deal with them. But that’s what were here for, no? Try writing. It really helps (at least it helps me).
I want you to know that you’re a person I deeply respect and admire. You’ve gone through so much, yet your screen name’s “happiest”! You’re a positive and honest person. I really have a lot to learn from you.
IY”H, you will find your zivug soon. And I want you to know that I still daven for you. Hatzlacha Rabba.
From someone in the same boat of shidduchim:
One of the things that I daven for in relation to shidduchim is clarity. “HaShem, please give me complete clarity whether or not this shidduch is right for me.”
On one occasion, after being turned down after having met the bochur only once, I wasn’t a happy camper. Trust me! But at the same time, there was a feeling of, “Thank You HaShem for making it clear that he’s not the right one for me. Thank You for saving me from having a long, drawn out shidduch process with this bochur.” In a way, it’s easier to know much earlier on that it’s not for you – even though the no comes from the other side – it saves a lot of energy and emotions.
Hatzlocha raba and may all of us unmarrieds find our zivugim hagunim bekarov bimhaira b’soch she’ar Yisroel.
Have a wonderful Shabbos!
cshapiro, Rich football (soccer?) players in Europe go on shidduchim with girls in America? How dumb do you think we are?
that song is from one of the journey’s tapes, Abie Rotenberg. Lots of bracha and hatzlocha!
happiest: words to the song are: ( i think it’s from journeys.)
i was driving up the turnpike, to New York, and my ’67 Buick had seen better days
With my hat and jacket tossed upon the backseat, and a sefer on the dashboard, that would look real fine
‘Cause the shadchan said, “This time it would be different.” I’d heard those words so many times before. “But the family’s nice”, or “believe me, this one’s special”, I said “All right, but only just once more”
I could hear the awkward words that would soon be said, when we met one another for the first time.
And the feeling would be there that when we walked outside, of hopeful eyes staring from the window.
The man inside the tollbooth said “Oh, it’s you again”, I felt like turning back right then and there.
‘Cause the shadchan said, “This time it would be different.” I’d heard those words so many times before. “But the family’s nice”, or “believe me, this one’s special”, I said “All right, but only just once more”
I wondered what the problems would be this time.
Which one would say it was not meant to be.
And the nagging thoughts would start to cross my mind.
Would I ever find the one that’s right for me?
And in the morning, I would have to talk to mom and dad, tell them what went wrong, but that don’t get me scared.
It’s that shadchan callin’ up, and saying one more time, “I’ve got another one, I’m sure it’s bashert”.
I’m still driving up the turnpike to New York, and my ’67 Buick still had better days.
But the drive, it’s not as lonely as it used to be. ’cause I got my wife and seven kids along with me.
And every now and then my wife tells me go make a call, to some young man who wants to settle down.
And I tell him all about middos and personality, and the ten best places that there are in town.
And I say to him “This time it will be different”, he says to me “I’ve heard those words before.”
“But the family’s nice, or believe me, this one’s special,” he says “all right”, oh, he says “all right, but only just once more”.
oh homeowner, by now u should know i didnt mean he literally plays, just looks like one 🙂
About not having anyone else “in the works” right now,remember that all you need is ONE person to mention ONE guy, you never know where its gunna come from. keep strong.
I know someone who was in his mid thirties when he became a Chosson. Until that point he had given up a few times. When he became a Chosson, he told me that had he only known that at this time he would be engaged it would have been so much easier. Try to think ahead. One day, with Hashem’s help, you will be married and have a family. Try to pretend that you even know when that will be.
binahyeseirah, thanks for printing that. It brought tears to my eyes.
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