August 20, 2015 9:08 pm at 9:08 pm #616238technical21Participant
I was wondering what people think: once a boy says yes to a first date, how long is considered okay/mentchlich for the girl’s side to take before getting back to the shadchan with a yes or no?
I once heard a shadchan say (in a speech) that you should always get back within 24-48 hours, because it’s a boys’ world and after that, the boy might lose interest.
Forgetting about the veracity of that statement, it’s not always practical to get back so soon. People often don’t answer their phones and take a while to get back, and sometimes you get a vibe that something is amiss and you want to do more checking.August 21, 2015 12:15 am at 12:15 am #1097330pcozMember
You have to let the process occur naturally, when you feel it’s right or wrong then get back. It’s not an exam.August 21, 2015 12:16 am at 12:16 am #1097331Abba_SParticipant
Girls should get back as soon as possible so that you can lock down a date otherwise, another shadchun will be proposing another girl and she will lose her chance to go out with him.August 21, 2015 5:05 am at 5:05 am #1097332Torah613TorahParticipant
I think 24 hours is standard. If you aren’t ready to respond within that time period, it is standard to ask if more time is okay. It’s not nice to leave people hanging.August 21, 2015 11:35 am at 11:35 am #1097333JosephParticipant
How can the girl’s parents do all the research on the boy within 24 hours?
Unless they start their research before the boy says yes.August 21, 2015 12:39 pm at 12:39 pm #1097334Abba_SParticipant
They can’t. They have to agree to a first date before a thorough checking of the boy is done. None of his references are going to give a bad report anyway.
Even if the girl agrees to go out it usually takes a few days until the actual date during which time the girl’s parents can do a more thorough investigation.August 21, 2015 1:46 pm at 1:46 pm #1097335JosephParticipant
Abba_S: The problem with the approach you describe is that
1) once they start dating they may become infatuated or fall for each other – and then it may turn out upon further research that the match is inappropriate, and
2) if the girl says yes and then finds out within a few days, prior to the first date, that it is inappropriate, can she then change the yes to a no? Going out because she already said yes, when they know it is going to be a no thereafter, is even worse. It is a) wronging the boy and b) you might encounter my Point 1 where they both want to continue and it will be difficult to break it off, even though it is an inappropriate match.August 21, 2015 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #1097336apushatayidParticipant
“how long is considered okay/mentchlich for the girl’s side to take before getting back to the shadchan with a yes or no?”
Technically, as long as you feel is necessary. Practically, in todays warped world of shidduchim where the females are “yadam al hatachtona” as quickly as possible. You wouldnt want “the best bachur in the yeshiva” to simply move to the next name on his list, because he can. He (more accurately his mother) can take weeks to “look into” a girl, but chas vshalom his highness (or more accurately, his mother) must wait more than 72 hours for a yes fro a girl!August 21, 2015 8:28 pm at 8:28 pm #1097338technical21Participant
Look, it’s my parents’ general practice to try to get back within 24 hours. However, sometimes no one calls back, or they hear something that concerns them and they want to check it out more. They will always let the shadchan know that they are still checking- just so that the boy’s family isn’t kept completely hanging.
The problem is, when this stretches past 48 hours, my parents are stuck: they’re really not sure if it’s k’dai for me to go out with this boy (I don’t mean over something petty, but something genuinely concerning), but they can’t get a clear answer and the boy’s side is waiting.August 23, 2015 3:04 am at 3:04 am #1097339oyyoyyoyParticipant
Im hearing a lot more than 24hrs from most people. I think 3-4 days is normal
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