February 15, 2013 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #608228gavra_at_workParticipant
A local shadchan was discussing (in general terms) a shidduch (that happened a while back). The Shadchan said that the guy was considering breaking off the shidduch, and asked his Rebbe what to do. The Rebbe replied not to break it off, because the girl has “Sechorah” (She is a six figure (dollar) professional). (I don’t know if they ended up getting engaged, but the point was made).
Does anyone else find this strange?February 15, 2013 1:37 pm at 1:37 pm #930962
In a world of “check the box” shidduchim, why is it weird? That’s how it’s supposed to work.February 15, 2013 1:44 pm at 1:44 pm #930963☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Yes. Maybe he really meant she has wonderful middos and Torah values (Toirah iz di beste sechoirah).
The story doesn’t say why he wanted to stop the shidduch; maybe he wanted a girl with a p.h.d. (papa has dough) and found out that the father is poor.
But obviously, it’s horrible advice to tell someone to marry an incompatible wife for her salary.February 15, 2013 2:56 pm at 2:56 pm #930964SaysMeMember
sounds like you dont have the full story. ’nuff saidFebruary 15, 2013 3:20 pm at 3:20 pm #930965
In a world of “check the box” shidduchim
Meaning, you can elect to be a partnership or a corporation?
(See 26 CFR 301.7701-1 et seq.)February 15, 2013 4:12 pm at 4:12 pm #930966
PBA: that is where the term came from, yes. I thought you claimed to be a rabbi, but from the last couple days of posting it looks like you’re a lawyer…February 15, 2013 4:24 pm at 4:24 pm #930967MCPMember
I highly doubt a real Rav said that, but if he did it’s probably because he doesn’t believe in chemistry anyways; once chemistry is a non factor why not marry for money? SMHFebruary 15, 2013 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #930968BatshevaYochevedParticipant
this is strange.February 15, 2013 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #930969
lol, I thought that was what you were referencing, but wondered what exposure you had to the check the box regs.
Meaning, you can elect for your marriage to be a partnership or a profit driven corp. tee hee.February 15, 2013 4:51 pm at 4:51 pm #930970OneOfManyParticipant
popa is a boggart.February 15, 2013 5:32 pm at 5:32 pm #930971apushatayidParticipant
There are many facts missing from this anecdote.February 15, 2013 5:59 pm at 5:59 pm #930972gavra_at_workParticipant
“There are many facts missing from this anecdote. “
Agreed. It doesn’t remove the fact that it is strange.February 15, 2013 7:06 pm at 7:06 pm #930973ThePurpleOneMember
rem to b dan lkaf zchus him.. he mite hav been joking too, for all u know.. and a rich girls father wud hav the huge zchus of supporting his son in law in kollel for a few yrs..February 15, 2013 7:46 pm at 7:46 pm #930974
If it works for him, who are we to judge?
Some people marry for Torah, some marry for money, some marry for beauty, some marry for intelligence, some marry for companionship, some marry for security. This guy was looking for money, so if he married this girl, he would get what he wanted. They should build a BNB.February 15, 2013 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm #930975
Excellent point, Torah613. Marrying for money is no better or worse (or any more “strange”) than marrying for beauty or intelligence.February 15, 2013 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #930976
Of course marrying for money is worse* than marrying for intelligence. I can’t believe someone would even claim otherwise on a frum discussion board.
As a general matter. Obviously, if you marry the intelligent person so that you can plot together to take over the world, it’s worse than if you marry a rich person so that you can heal the naked and clothe the hungry.February 15, 2013 9:06 pm at 9:06 pm #930977☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
And feed the sick.February 15, 2013 9:10 pm at 9:10 pm #930978
It is ridiculous to marry for money, because somebody else might get more money the next year. That’s why I just made an agreement with my wife, that if we ever found someone with more money, we would divorce and no hard feelings all around.February 15, 2013 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #930979squeakParticipant
You shouldve took the gelt…. you never listen when I say you should take the gelt.February 15, 2013 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #930980
Toirah iz di beste sechoirah
I know, they cost like tons of money.February 15, 2013 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #930981
I’ll concede the point that marrying for intelligence is acceptable and worthwhile while marrying for money is not. I’ll modify my previous comment to say that marrying for money is no better or worse than marrying for beauty.February 17, 2013 12:25 am at 12:25 am #930982
VM: Why is marrying for intelligence better than marrying for money? Your kids IQs will regress towards the mean anyway. (OK, not as much if your IQs are both really high, but it’s a lottery either way.) If you’re smart but not good-looking, you should marry someone really beautiful, so that your kids will have some beauty and some intelligence.
I’m surprised you’re davka picking on intelligence, it seems to me that men generally want wives who are less intelligent and more good-looking than themselves.
Chevron: Why is marrying for beauty better than marrying for money? Both come and go, and most men are fine with marrying for beauty, which is even more transient.
PBA: Your wife is eminently reasonable. What did she ask for in exchange?February 17, 2013 2:25 am at 2:25 am #930983
Torah613: I said that whether marrying for money or marrying for beauty, one is no better or worse than the other.February 17, 2013 2:32 am at 2:32 am #930984
Chevron – sorry I misunderstood.February 17, 2013 6:16 am at 6:16 am #930985
T…T -“If you’re smart but not good-looking, you should marry someone really beautiful, so that your kids will have some beauty and some intelligence.”
That’s what some woman told a famous scientist -the first part.
And he answered -“What if the kids look like me and have your brains?”February 17, 2013 6:24 am at 6:24 am #930986Smile E. FaceMember
squeak-now i’m not moving, and i’m losing… i should’ve took teh gelt…i’d rather walk than hear you sqwack!:DFebruary 17, 2013 7:27 am at 7:27 am #930987
Health: I was hoping someone would bring that up.
I’m all for men looking for intelligence, of course, but someone who looks only for intelligence, exclusive of Yiras Shamayim etc, is just as bad as someone who looks for money or looks imho.February 17, 2013 10:16 am at 10:16 am #930988interjectionParticipant
Torah and Chevron: Is your protest simply against men who search for a trophy wife? Or do you take offense on any man who requests an attractive wife. Do you not think it is important that your husband find you beautiful?February 17, 2013 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm #930989
I never issued a protest. Allow me, please, to reverse your question.
Do you take offense on any person who requests a husband or wife with a good earning potential (or assets)? Do you not think it is important that income (or bank account) be a factor?
I am saying that the consideration of money in a spouse is no better or worse than the consideration of beauty.
Neither should be the focus.February 17, 2013 1:58 pm at 1:58 pm #930990
Interjection: I have no protest against anything! And my husband had better find me beautiful, or I’m not marrying him. I am just pointing out that we can’t judge the OP. People look for different things, and as long as it works out between them, we can’t judge their tastes.February 17, 2013 2:18 pm at 2:18 pm #930991
Do girls expect their husbands to think they are the most beautiful girl in the world?February 17, 2013 2:22 pm at 2:22 pm #930992
The problem is you can never know if someone has yiras shomayim. One of my Rabbeim drilled into my head that the most important things to look for is if the girl is a balas chessed and a vatran (easily compromises and not stubborn and has to have it her way).February 17, 2013 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #930993
WIY: This is the type of question you should ask your shidduch advisor.February 17, 2013 6:45 pm at 6:45 pm #930994
Torah613Torah -“I’m all for men looking for intelligence, of course, but someone who looks only for intelligence, exclusive of Yiras Shamayim etc, is just as bad as someone who looks for money or looks imho.”
Whether it’s supposed to be this way or not – it is! This isn’t utopia. The 3 things, even from the most Chashuva families, look for nowadays is – money, looks, and/or Yichus. The Gemorrah mentions looks and Yichus and I guess money took the place of Yiras Shomayim.February 17, 2013 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #930995
Health: Where does the Gemora encourage looking for beauty?February 17, 2013 8:37 pm at 8:37 pm #930996interjectionParticipant
For one it says that having a beautiful wife is marchiv daas. Every man has a different interpretation of what’s beautiful so no girl will be left out with no man thinking she’s beautiful but every man needs to be attracted to his wife’s looks.February 17, 2013 9:18 pm at 9:18 pm #930997goldersgreenerParticipant
If you marry for money than the ba’al hamai;oh becomes the ba’al hadei’ahFebruary 17, 2013 11:20 pm at 11:20 pm #930998
And if you marry to take over the world, well that’s what used to happen in the feudal system, and the marriages didn’t seem to be very happy.February 18, 2013 2:00 am at 2:00 am #930999
chevron -“Health: Where does the Gemora encourage looking for beauty?”
“Ain Isha Ella L’Bonim; Ain Isha Ella L’Yofi.”
Taanis 31- A.February 18, 2013 9:09 pm at 9:09 pm #931000apushatayidParticipant
Yes, but who said that 🙂February 18, 2013 9:49 pm at 9:49 pm #931001golferParticipant
Health, “money took the place of Yiras Shamayim”?
That has to be the saddest comment I’ve come across in the CR.
I hate to think that you might be right.
And I hate to think what it says about our generation.
And I hate to resort to worn-out platitudes and say we need Mashiach already.
But we do.February 18, 2013 11:51 pm at 11:51 pm #931002ajewfrommonseyParticipant
my rebbe told me, if you marry a girl for her money you may end up wanting the money in the house and the girl in the bankFebruary 19, 2013 12:14 am at 12:14 am #931003
my rebbe told me, if you marry a girl for her money you may end up wanting the money in the house and the girl in the bank
My rebbi said the same thing, and then said to do it anyway.February 19, 2013 4:32 am at 4:32 am #931004yehudayonaParticipant
Health, it wasn’t a scientist, it was (allegedly) George Bernard Shaw. The woman was (again allegedly) Isadora Duncan.February 19, 2013 5:01 am at 5:01 am #931005Yserbius123Participant
A story I always repeat when I hear about how (can we not beat around the bush?) a girl with oodles of dough is an advantage shidduch wise.
I know a guy who felt that way. He grew up in a modest household where both of his parents worked and just managed to pay for their childrens’ Torah education. He knew that there was no way he would survive in an American kollel and he ended up with a wonderful girl whose father was willing to support them for several years.
Well, it turns out that not all of the fathers money was Glatt Yosher and not even two months after the chasuna, all support was pulled out and the parents fled the country. The couple had to take on some serious debt and work multiple jobs to break even.
They are happily married now with several children, but I always think about how much more time he would have had to learn had he just decided before hand to plan things out a little and not just rely on his wifes’ familys’ support.February 19, 2013 6:32 pm at 6:32 pm #931006
Yserbius123 – If stories like that were more common, then maybe the tide could change again.
Most RY’s, for their kids’, and most Choshuva Bochurim seek money more than anything. Sad, but true.February 19, 2013 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #931007
yehudayona -TY. Couldn’t remember the name.February 19, 2013 10:52 pm at 10:52 pm #931008
Very hard to sit and learn for 3 or more years unless the parents have money to support the couple. A typical young couple the girl is not making much money and is likely still getting her bachelors or just starting grad school. If she is also working she likely has a typical office job or is a part time school teacher and is not making much.
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