(Girls only discussion) Re: Boys

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  • #609228
    Vogue
    Member

    So, basically, I did not grow up in such a heimishe environment, i went to various Jewish schools and whatnot, but it wasn’t until the end of high school that I started wanting to lead a more heimishe lifestyle. I feel like many girls have this issue to where it is very difficult for them not to talk to boys, and since i spent most of my life talking to boys because I grew up in a more modern environment, I can’t seem to stop talking to them, like I don’t have at this point any guy’s name in my cell phone contacts, but I still see guys around frequently that i know and they come up and talk to me and then I just end up getting in trouble… personal trouble.

    Anyone else go through this sort of situation? Any advice?

    #961423
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I talk to boys all the time and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

    #961424
    Vogue
    Member

    Are you a girl? Do you share this account with your spouse? I mean sometimes you quoteparts of Talmud other threads have you talking about carpools with your kids. Which is it?

    #961425

    You never know who’s a boy and who’s a girl.

    You never know when popa’s serious and when he’s not.

    You never open a thread excluding boys and expect that the boys will stay out.

    #961426
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Are you a girl?

    Are you kidding? It’s bad enough I have to talk to girls–you want me to be one too?????

    #961427
    WIY
    Member

    Vogue

    Popa is neither a guy or a girl. Popa is a concept.

    To answer your question, I’m a guy but I can imagine what you are going through and its certainly a challenging transition to go from a modern upbringing and shift to a more heimish one. The issue you are having is common with people who change and move to the right. Guys have this problem just as girls do. Anyways I think the smartest and safest thing to do is make strong gedarim. Decide that you will no longer go over to guys you know. If they come over to you explain briefly why you no longer can chat with them and part ways on a friendly note. You will have to have a “script” prepared and expect it to be uncomfortable the first few times. However the only way this will work is if you make up your mind that there’s no exceptions. You can’t talk to any of the guys you used to know.

    #961429
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Azah shvach!

    Thanks WIY, that gave me nachas.

    #961430
    WIY
    Member

    Popa

    😉

    #961431
    Vogue
    Member

    That’s the problem. It was much easier in seminary…

    #961433
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I thought it was harder in sem bec there were boys everywhere.

    #961434
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I’d also like to point out that this conversation is apparently only guys and vogue. lolol

    #961435

    I’d also like to point out that this conversation is apparently only guys and vogue. lolol

    You never open a thread excluding boys and expect that the boys will stay out.

    #961436
    WIY
    Member

    Looks like the way to chase away the girls is to start a thread that says girls only.

    #961437
    Vogue
    Member

    Uh yeah: mods please change the title to guys only: re: girls

    but there’s one of those already

    #961438
    Sam2
    Participant

    Awww, the guys only thread only for girls was deleted. I wanted to comment that apparently according to thegra I belonged there. Or here. Or wherever my confused mind is trying to take this joke…

    #961439
    oomis
    Participant

    So THIS girl is answering. I think it is wonderful that you are growing in your hashkafa. That being said, it is incredibly rude if someone says hello (and I do not care HOW frum you are, this holds true across the board), if you do not respond b’sholom yourself. We learn that it is incumbent on us to be MAKDIM someone b’sholom. That does not mean you have to stand around and chat if you feel at this point in your life that this is wrong for you. But you do have to be a mensch. The young men with whom you are acquainted deserve respect also, even if they do not share your hashkafa. If and when they ask you about this at some point, you can explain to them what you did to us.

    But on the spot, you don’t have to give long-winded explanations to people. Give a friendly hi, how are you and move on. Frum does not equal cutting people off when you have known them all your life. That is a big mistake that some people make, in my opinion. No one has to have a conversation with someone who for whatever reason makes them feel uncomfortable, even if it is only because they are of the opposite gender. But no matter who you are, you always have to be a mensch, and that means you don’t ignore people whom you know who come over to say hello. As I said, you smile, keep the conversation very brief and move on. The Kiddush Hashem is in living a frum life, despite the challenges presented by others. Just my opinion.

    #961440
    Vogue
    Member

    That makes sense and I agree it’s just really difficult. I have some relatives that are modern. And their friends ask me about them…

    #961441

    I’m a guy and this happened to me as well. It was very hard for me to not interact with girls, especially since i was in an environment where this was completely tolerated. in the past few years I’ve gotten more “heimish,” as you put it and it doesn’t happen to me anymore because interactions between genders are very limited.. I think if you’re in a single-gender environment for long enough, you get used to it.

    #961442
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    Vogue, try to volunteer, do some type of chesed, get a job. Being engaged in productive endeavors helps these sort of challenges go to the back burner.

    #961443
    Vogue
    Member

    I have been searching for a job for two months… I almost never get out of my neighborhood these days because it isn’t feasible. I haven’t seen any of my friends in ages… that is why now it is an even bigger problem.

    #961444

    Start making goals that you want to set: learn a new language, play an instrument, write a story, paint, make a movie, etc. there’s a lot to do.

    #961445

    hey why is it fair that only the girls get their own discussion

    #961446
    a mamin
    Participant

    Vogue: What have n you been doing to find a job? Do you live in New York?

    #961447

    It’s really funny how there are no girls responding to this.

    #961448
    Toi
    Participant

    rationalfrummie- i always thought you were a girl.

    #961449
    WIY
    Member

    Toi

    Do you know any rational girls?

    <


    ducks for cover from flying projectiles.

    #961450

    WIY- No need to duck. There’s no rational gain from throwing things. 🙂

    #961452
    Vogue
    Member

    I wish and I am doing everything I can. There just aren’t as many options out here.

    #961453
    SaysMe
    Member

    gamanit- sure there is! It’s a way to express displeasure or annoyance :). <tosses a handful of pens, erasers, and paper wads WIY’s way>

    #961454
    oomis
    Participant

    It’s really funny how there are no girls responding to this. “

    Hey – what am I – chopped liver????

    #961455

    oomis – I saw that comment and was about to jump in to defend you but I see you beat me to it.

    #961456
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    SaysMe: I always throw chocolate (it generally being the first thing on hand ^_^) at people when they annoy me, and then when they’re like “heyyyyyyy” I tell them, “I just showered you with chocolate–you should be THANKING me.” amn’t I the nicest? ^_^

    #961457
    SaysMe
    Member

    OOM- LOL!!! chocolate??? I’d NEVER throw away my chocolate! i throw soda bottle caps, pencils, paper wads, erasers and that sort when people annoy me, and then when they “heyyyyy”, i stick out my tongue and tell them they deserved it! 😀 So next to me, you’re the sweetest!

    #961458
    WIY
    Member

    Oneofmany

    Only milchig chocolate please.

    #961459
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    SaysMe: Well, when I am REALLY annoyed I throw the chocolate, then run up to them and snatch it away and yell “NONE FOR YOU!” ^_^

    WIY: It’s ALWAYS milchig. But also usually chalav stam. 🙂

    #961460
    SaysMe
    Member

    OOM- okay, how do i annoy you just a bit? 😀

    #961461
    a mamin
    Participant

    vogue: I don’t know where you live, but in New York there are many opportunities for young candidates.

    #961462
    OneOfMany
    Participant

    SaysMe: Aw, for you chocolate without the throwing. :3

    #961463
    SaysMe
    Member

    yay!!

    #961464
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    If you must express your anger by throwing, don’t throw things at people. Throw people at things.

    #961465
    skz
    Member

    its amazing how the last post has really nothing to do with the topic this thread started with . maybe its time for all of u guys to wake up and realize wat nonsense ur so involved in.

    #961466
    Vogue
    Member

    I know that. It’s just not feasible at this time.

    #961467
    oomis
    Participant

    oomis – I saw that comment and was about to jump in to defend you but I see you beat me to it. “

    Thanks SYAG.

    #961469
    SaysMe
    Member

    t613- i dont wanna risk hurting my back for someone i’m annoyed at 🙂

    #961470
    OURtorah
    Participant

    Vogue- My best and sincerest advice to you, is to find a Rabbi, mentor, or teacher in your community that you can have a chevrusa with, or even just to meet once or twice a week. probably someone who will understand where you are coming from, maybe someone who also was rasied more modern and joined the yeshiva veldt.

    I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but I think you should really try your best to stick around the girls for now. Really truly think to yourself “will I be friends with these boys when I’m married?” hopefully not! so why are you wasting your precious time now on these boys, when Bezras Hashem in the near future you’ll find that one guy who will be the only guy you need!

    I wish you much Haztzlacha!

    #961471

    Totally agree with oomis. And by the way I think it’s super ironic– and super disrespectful– that a girl who wants to stop talking to boys gets flooded with responses to this thread FROM BOYS. Think about it.

    #961472

    Her fault, she excluded us

    #961473
    Vogue
    Member

    I hear, and I do have mentors its still hard because I am expected to attend coed family events for family friends and I find myself talking to boys at those events.

    #961474
    Vogue
    Member

    but only because they are hanging out with girls.

    #961475

    Nope, YOUR fault for being so juvenile that you have to involve yourself in a discussion simply to spite the OP who asked politely for same-gender advice.

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