June 3, 2011 6:42 am at 6:42 am #597251TweetTweetParticipant
You dated someone a few times and had a good time, and then for whatever reason he/she said no. Now, a few months later, he/she would like to go out again. Would you give him/her another shot, or would you just move on and continue dating others?June 3, 2011 7:10 am at 7:10 am #802538☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
From the little you’ve said, go for it.June 3, 2011 9:44 am at 9:44 am #802539dkedarMember
It depends how old you are, if you are a teenager then its normal. If you are looking for an actual shiduch, then its a no- thats just my personality, i dont like it when people cant make up their minds; especially if it would be over me!!June 3, 2011 11:16 am at 11:16 am #802540real-briskerMember
Why not?June 3, 2011 11:26 am at 11:26 am #802541pet peeveMember
i’d go out again. i know of several people who ended up marrying that way. you never know……don’t make it a pride issue, and not go out again, just b/c they said no the first time around.June 3, 2011 12:02 pm at 12:02 pm #802542dunnoMember
Depends on MANY factors…June 3, 2011 1:02 pm at 1:02 pm #802543HaLeiViParticipant
Why shouldn’t you, to get him back? There can be a hundred reasons why he said no. Now he’s interested. Put unrelated feelings aside and go ahead.June 3, 2011 1:22 pm at 1:22 pm #802544real-briskerMember
dkedar – What do you mean by “if your a teenager its normal, if your looking for an actual shidduch than no”?June 3, 2011 2:15 pm at 2:15 pm #802545aries2756Participant
I would have to find out “why” s/he said no and dropped you back then. That would make all the difference. If something “better” came up and they went after that at the time I would definitely not try again because I wouldn’t trust that person. If they weren’t sure it was going anywhere and they didn’t want to lead you on or were afraid you were more into it at the time than they were and were afraid you would get hurt, then yes I would try again.
There are many factors in shidduchim many times it is miscommunication and that is why many years later it comes around again. Or it just wasn’t the right timing the first time around. However, a leopard doesn’t change their stripes, so if it was for selfish reasons then be careful and don’t get hurt again. Try to get an honest answer.June 3, 2011 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #802546HaLeiViParticipant
Aren’t all Shidduchim done for selfish reasons? Ever heard of ‘giving someone a marry’ because they can use the boost?
I don’t really mean to argue your whole point. I’m just adding a counter consideration.June 3, 2011 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #802547bptParticipant
I would. But I would also bring up the “why it was dropped” topic. Its the 800 lb gorrila in the room, and ignoring it does not make it go away.
Sort of what Aries is saying, but I’m more optimistic. I cannot imagine anyone dropping someone because something better came up, and then going back to the “lesser” choice.
If anything, the drop was due to a misunderstanding or just cold feet. Neither of which is a dealbreaker. But should be addressed so you can both move forward.June 3, 2011 4:52 pm at 4:52 pm #802548mythoughtsParticipant
Definitely give it another shot.
I have a wife of 14 years and 4 children that would agree with my decision to give it another shot.
Don’t let pride stand in your way of possibly finding your mate. If it doesn’t work out at least you won’t have any regrets.June 22, 2011 12:30 am at 12:30 am #802549MeeshaleMember
It def depends on the situation but if you liked each other, and there was something there, then it can’t hurt.
If you made it to a few dates the first time around, you never know.June 22, 2011 12:38 am at 12:38 am #802550
I tend to say go for it if you are still interested, but there are still some factors to consider. I.E., did the person say no because they think something “better” was out there and you are the default shidduch? Were they not ready when you first dated, but now feel more serious about the shidduch process? And so on…June 22, 2011 12:40 am at 12:40 am #802551yummy cupcakeMember
totally in agreement with aries!June 22, 2011 1:04 pm at 1:04 pm #802552abcd2Participant
I personally know of four couples that went out again and are married for years already with kids. The reasons they gave that it did not work the first time they went out was inexperience in dating(not realizing they had the one meant for them), cold feet,were not truly ready to go out yet the first time around.
While I agree that there is cause for concern for why it did not work the first time,focus on the positive.This guy who I had a nice time with wants to go out again. If it is for any of the above reasons that he dropped you the first time, he is not a bad person to go out with again. May you soon find your Shidduch bisha Tova umitzlachasAugust 18, 2011 1:45 am at 1:45 am #802553
Go for it. You have nothing to lose but a few hours… and seeing as this thread is from a while ago i’m just curious as to what you decided…August 18, 2011 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #802554mommamia22Participant
I agree with Aries. A lot depends on the reasons they let it go in the first place. Maybe they couldn’t decide and didn’t want to drag it out. Maybe they thought they were ready to get married in general and then realized they needed more time. Frankly, if they compared you to another and therefore lost interest (I once was set up with someone who actually spoke of his interest in another girl we both knew who was married! Get a life!)I wouldn’t give them the time of day. There would be no future there. If his problem was his own that’s one thing. If his problem was with you, that’s another.August 18, 2011 2:54 pm at 2:54 pm #802555
i wonder what happened. I think the you should for sure give it another shot. he might have no liked something about you but he realized that he can live with that and that he wont ever get Mrs perfectAugust 18, 2011 3:21 pm at 3:21 pm #802556☕️coffee addictParticipant
go for it,
It worked for my sisterAugust 18, 2011 3:41 pm at 3:41 pm #802557mommamia22Participant
I know a couple who dated in Israel. She was teaching and he learning. They got engaged and then broke it off. Everyone thought it was over. Within a year we heard they were newly engaged again and they got married, and are, B’H happy. “do-overs” can work.August 18, 2011 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #802558hello99Participant
I know a couple that dated when he was 26 and she 18. They liked each other, but he broke it off because she “wasn’t mature enough”. 6 years later they agreed to give it another try, and the rest is historyAugust 19, 2011 6:05 am at 6:05 am #802559
i feel like its so sad when couples have to wait that long to realize what was right all along.. I get the concept of “right time” but just seems like if they were the right people for eachother its a pity they couldn’t have had more time together, or an easier time the first round of datingAugust 19, 2011 7:58 pm at 7:58 pm #802560lovesbeingjewishMember
I think a guy that says no to a girl and is willing to hurt her like that should not be taken lightly. When he says no, he is realizing that he will never ever see this girl again, and he must have no problem with this. I have found that guys who decide to ‘try again’ end up saying no again. Just be careful.August 21, 2011 1:23 am at 1:23 am #802561
It would depend on why you stopped seeing each other, IMO. If those factors are still in play, I would be less confident about recommending a do over. If it was just a matter of bad timing, then go for it.August 22, 2011 1:43 am at 1:43 am #802562
True they can say no again. Or it can be the right thing… If you like yourself enough to handle it its probably better to go for it than stand on ceremony. Presuming you want him/her still.August 22, 2011 2:58 am at 2:58 am #802563
unless there was a major reason for stopping (and not resolved) i would say give it another shot….whatever happens will happen, but it will give u closure…i did it with a guy in belgium and it didnt work, he recently asked for a third chance but i was already dating my fiance…but u really never know…my fiance never went to college **GASP** sometimes we think we know what we want but we really dont, and being flexible is so important (not saying to date anyone but realize whats important and why u are saying no) hatzlacha 😉August 22, 2011 3:38 am at 3:38 am #802564
Wow a third chance?? Wow thats brave.. he said no twice and asked for 3? whoaAugust 22, 2011 4:04 pm at 4:04 pm #802565
i was impressed that he took such a risk…but honestly whats the worst that could happen….i would say no, which i did but at least he got closure because i was no longer available so hopefully he wont always wonder what if…August 22, 2011 4:47 pm at 4:47 pm #802566
Wow but still.August 22, 2011 5:08 pm at 5:08 pm #802567
what about if you thought the guy was physically not attractive to you but everything else matched up? would you dump the guy (thats a diff question all tog- will the love grow and you wont care bout his looks?) and then go again a couple months later?August 22, 2011 8:21 pm at 8:21 pm #802568
if it was bad enough to make you dump him then i doubt that would be workable later. unless you got desperateAugust 22, 2011 8:53 pm at 8:53 pm #802569
i disagree with kshmo….NEVER EVER EVER EVER!!!! settle NEVER!!! ur guy is out there, sometimes what we think we want is not necessarily what hashem wants for us. review ur list of must haves and perhaps u could be flexible with a few, as i tell my single friends and sisters if i would have stuck to my ‘i only date guys who went to college’ me and my chosson would still be looking
… whats a college degree?? prestige?? accomplishment?? money?? he has all 3 and didnt go to college…
anyways back to your question adorable….it really depends if he is unbearably ugly, that could be a problem, but if he is just balding or has some odd facial expressions i think once u get to know the guy better u wont even notice those small things…ill be honest i dated a guy once who was like manerexic and i was so not not into his looks but we had great conversation and he obviously was attracted to me…but it got to a point where we clashed in opinions and that on top of his looks…made me say buh bye to him.August 22, 2011 9:25 pm at 9:25 pm #802570
no lets just say she thought she would marry someone prettier and more good looking and he is not ugly but just not good looking. she can get used to the looks and she prob will but what would you tell her then. this is all theoreticalAugust 22, 2011 9:44 pm at 9:44 pm #802571
I say go for it….i know it prob sounds cliche and maybe a bit cheesy but middos and personality r way more important than looks…the reason me and mr. Belgium kept this on and off again dating was from my end at least he was a gorgeous rich football player with the looks and the money what more can u ask for?? But although he treated me as a princess there was nothing else there…lesson learnt….money and good looks wont make u happy..August 22, 2011 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #802572deiyezoogerMember
There may be many pros and cons but if its about pride dont let that stand in the way of you doing a good shidduch.August 22, 2011 11:52 pm at 11:52 pm #802573
a few odd features? Whats the difference between that and ugly?
and adorable- if hes okay then attraction can definetly followAugust 23, 2011 4:09 pm at 4:09 pm #802574
i think the issue is that we build pictures of what type we think well marry and all that and then when all else matches we cannot let go of that picture.August 25, 2011 1:08 am at 1:08 am #802575
I happen to love this thread.August 25, 2011 2:05 am at 2:05 am #802576bein_hasdorimParticipant
TweetTweet; I know a nice few ppl who are happily married, because they gave it another shot. However, If there are major differences in hashkafa, I suggest discussing it with a Rav or a trusted Rebbe.
Since dating is w/ the intent to head into marriage,
a hopefully lasting arrangement totally dependent upon the compromise of both parties, it is counterproductive to be stubborn
when dating and dealing with a possible soulmate.August 25, 2011 5:08 pm at 5:08 pm #802577TweetTweetParticipant
Thanks everyone for your opinions and advice. Here’s what happened. We both just decided that even though we had a great time on the dates, we just weren’t so compatible hashkafically. Sometimes after stopping a shidduch and going out with others that aren’t as good, it’s natural to look back and want to go back to that person. I know a few people who know both of us well, and they agreed that it’s just not so compatible. They confirmed exactly what I thought about her. Now, she is engaged B”H and I’m going out seriously with someone. Thanks everyone and may we only hear simchos!!August 25, 2011 5:25 pm at 5:25 pm #802578
thanks for checking back- its shows something really nice about you…. may we only hear simchos soonAugust 25, 2011 6:14 pm at 6:14 pm #802579600 Kilo BearMember
It did not work in my case either. The shadchanis involved was no good and we should never have gone out because of differences in hashkafah. Most probably the shadchanis wanted gelt badly as unfortunately there was illness in her family at the time so she took a chance and passed off the girl’s hashkafa to me as similar to my own. Well, she quoted Rav Kook….I turn my eyes as I do from pritzus when I see the flag of the medine.
I was ambivalent about a second date and she said no. All of a sudden she was interested again. I went along because I was in EY anyway and not busy – a total waste of time.August 25, 2011 6:17 pm at 6:17 pm #802580yahudMember
If something “better” came up and they went after that at the time I would definitely not try again because I wouldn’t trust that person. aries y ?? whats wrong with going for something better as long as u r not engaged yet ??!!?August 25, 2011 6:31 pm at 6:31 pm #802581
Tweet – B’shaa tova, let’s hear besoros tovos.August 26, 2011 1:25 am at 1:25 am #802582
I hope you both get very happy endings
and Bear, LOLAugust 28, 2011 10:21 pm at 10:21 pm #802583
BUMP! pleaseAugust 29, 2011 1:22 am at 1:22 am #802584
🙁 cmon guys help me out here. I like this thread!August 29, 2011 1:30 am at 1:30 am #802585ootinnyMember
thats so nice tweety! that was fast for her to be engaged and u to be dating smoeone seriously. r u related to moshiach please come bec he also does things quickly!
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