Going off the Derech

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  • #1753850

    zahavasdad
    Participant

    There are many reasons why people go OTD, each case is different, but one of the more common causes is Spite or youthful rebellion . If these are the reason , showing unconditional love will usually have better results and you are more likley to getthe results you want if you are patient

    #1754120

    MrSarahLevine613
    Participant

    Many of the posts here are very moving. I dont have answers, and I certainly dont have THE answer. I was just make one distinction. Preventing your child from leaving observance, and how to react once they do — i believe are two separate questions. In many ways, the second question is much easier (especially when it is an adult child). I think that the first question is very difficult, if not impossible to answer. I have seen the most loving, accepting, happy home — and the child chooses another path. I have seen the opposite but the child stays. I have seen kids drift off the derech when they were forced to go to shul, and kids leave observance when they were allowed to choose whether to go to shul or not. No easy answers. As ZahavasDad wrote “each case is different.”

    #1756452

    oldmontrealjew
    Participant

    Move your kid, send him to a relative If no relatives exist enroll him in an out of town school. His friends will drag him down, ignore frumkeit for a second he needs to learn how to be a functional member of society. If you can’t send him away cut off support start charging rent and food like any hostel would and force him to get a job. He needs to see that what he is doing is destroying his future, I would enforce that he needs a job or he needs to move to a better place for him.

    #1756477

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    You can’t prevent your child from doing anything. Your child is a separate person from you.

    #1756493

    Joseph
    Participant

    That depends whether he’s a minor child or an adult child.

    #1756563

    Yeshivishrockstar
    Participant

    Joseph: “That depends whether he’s a minor child or an adult child.”

    True, but not in the way you meant.
    If he’s an adult child you can control him, because he’s subject to numerous social pressures. But if he’s a minor and doesn’t listen to you, you have no recourse.

    #1756612

    Joseph
    Participant

    Yeshivishrockstar: Dovid HaMelech describes in Tehillim the records you have in controling the latter situation. And Shulchan Aruch paskens l’Halacha accordingly.

    #1756644

    oldmontrealjew
    Participant

    If your child does not respect your beliefs or contributes to society you can always send your kid to boarding school for troubled teens. I personally believe that the person who started this thread should consider such a move, Since staing at home seems to be enabling the kid to see bad friends.

    #1756711

    MrSarahLevine613
    Participant

    “If your child does not respect your beliefs or contributes to society you can always send your kid to boarding school for troubled teens.”

    What if your child is a good kid, who respects your beliefs — but doesnt want to do them? I know of cases where the kids have excellent relationships with their parents — they just have chosen for many different reasons that the “life” is not for them.

    #1757868

    Epis
    Participant

    @mrsarahlevine613 : You are right only because that’s the impression given, if you go beyond the surface there is a lot more. I have seen a lot of cases of such, and reality is the kids don’t care about Yiddishkeit because they were never taught what it means (& how special it is) to be a Jew. They have qualms about Yiddishkeit & God that never were addressed. once these kids start feeling independent (e.g. I’m my own person & own thinker, I’m an adult), it’s much harder to get them to voice their questions without them feeling that you are trying to “convert” them.

    Please Note if you are a parent of such a child please DO NOT try getting your child to voice their questions WITHOUT FIRST speaking to someone who WORKS with such children AND NOT your local Psychologist/ Social Worker! You couldn’t give them an appropriate answer before and it will distance your child farther if you try approaching this taboo topic without getting proper advice!

    #1765003

    MrSarahLevine613
    Participant

    EPIS: I hear you but im not so sure. I have seen kids from perfectly good homes. I think it is naive to say — if they were properly taught they would not go off the derech. “A lot of things can happen on the way to that place.” I am concerned though — like you — that a lot of people speak to their kids in the same way they speak to others here. To that end, I would be curious to hear if ALL your (not you, Epis, per se) kids are more religious, less, or no longer religious. (I know those gradations are hard to define sometimes — but we do know if our kids are not observant).

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