Jokes

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  • #1200935
    oomis
    Participant

    The English Lesson:

    It is time for an English lesson.

    So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep

    in mind when using the Queen’s Engerlish:

    1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

    3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).

    6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

    7. Be more or less specific.

    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)

    unnecessary.

    9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

    10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad

    too.

    11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.

    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;

    it’s highly superfluous.

    14. One should never generalize.

    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

    16. Don’t use no double negatives.

    17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

    18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

    19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

    20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

    21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical

    words however should be enclosed in commas.

    22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

    23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

    24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

    25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose

    earth shattering ideas.

    26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when

    its not needed.

    27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me

    what you know.”

    28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times:

    resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it

    correctly.

    29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

    30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

    31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

    32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

    33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

    34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    #1200936
    Getzel
    Participant

    oomis1105

    very good

    thank u

    #1200937
    oomis
    Participant

    And, ur, welkom!!!!!!!!!

    #1200940
    batseven
    Participant

    great for the shalom bayis- a wife and a husband were in a fight- they were passing by a farm- with pigs. The husband to the wife-“relatives of yours-huh?” The wife”yeh- my in-laws”

    #1200941
    oomis
    Participant

    Sorta like the woman who was giving her husband a griger about his family, “Well my ancestors were at least honest. THEY didn’t get hanged on trees!” To which the husband smoothly replied, “Nope, they only SWUNG on them!”

    #1200942
    NY Mom
    Member

    oomis1105: Loved your English Lesson!!! 🙂

    #1200943
    oomis
    Participant

    Thanks, NY Mom, but of course it is not my original work. I DO know how to cut and paste, though!!!!

    #1200944
    Poster
    Member

    A blonde was filling out paperwork at a doctors office.

    The document said –

    Who to contact in case of emergency ___________ Relationship ___________.

    So she filled in:

    Who to contact in case of emergency: My Dad 718-853-…. Relationship: Good

    #1200945
    checkmate 27
    Member
    #1200946
    Getzel
    Participant

    Recipe for a Good Marriage

    8 oz. patience

    2 C. sensitivity

    5 Tbsp. devotion

    2 t. love

    Handful of understanding

    3 C. happiness

    10 lbs. forgiveness

    Combine patience and sensitivity

    Pour devotion, love, understanding, and happiness into bowl. Add forgiveness and mix well.

    After letting the dough rise, braid and put into oven. Make sure to set the temperature right.

    Enjoy the delicious aroma that will now fill your home.

    #1200947
    shtarkbocher
    Member

    cute

    #1200948
    Getzel
    Participant

    A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

    When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

    The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

    Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes

    #1200949

    economic downturn – is when they lose money

    recesion – is when you lose money

    depresion – is when i lose money

    #1200950

    if electricity was never invented, we would be playing on the computer by candlelight!!!

    #1200952
    Getzel
    Participant

    A man walked into a little corner shop with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the shopkeeper had put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the shopkeeper to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘It’s because I don’t believe you are over 18. The robber said that he was, but the shop’s owner still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him.

    At this point, the robber took his driving licence out of his wallet and handed it to the shopkeeper who looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 18 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his swag. The shopkeeper immediately called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he had seen on the licence.

    Police arrested the robber two hours later.

    #1200956
    miamimiami
    Member

    What do you do when Paysach falls on Purim?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .You help him get up!

    #1200957
    miamimiami
    Member

    Why did the little mouse run away from home?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    Because his father was a big rat!

    #1200958
    miamimiami
    Member

    What did Mary have for lunch?

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    A little lamb!

    A man walks up to a man on the corner and says, “Are you a psychologist?”

    The man replies, “Why do you ask?”

    “Ah, so you are a psychologist!”

    #1200959
    Getzel
    Participant

    How to start each day with a Positive Outlook

    1. Open a new file in your computer.

    2. Name it “Barack Obama.”

    3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

    4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

    5. Your PC will ask you: “Do you really want to get rid of “Barack Obama?”

    6. Firmly Click “Yes.”

    7. Feel better? GOOD!

    Tomorrow do “Nancy Pelosi”

    #1200960
    Poster
    Member

    In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holidays. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

    The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”

    The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”

    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

    The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

    The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

    #1200961
    Poster
    Member

    It’s the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum’s death and his

    widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer

    over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show

    that the deceased is remembered.

    She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since

    she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman’s grave

    site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a

    small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring

    over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says,

    “I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried

    here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum.”

    “That’s him!” she exclaims. “He always put everything in

    my name.”

    #1200962
    Poster
    Member

    Do you speak Yiddish

    A man asks a passerby, “Do you speak Yiddish?”

    The man shakes his head.

    He asks a second man, but gets no answer.

    He stops a third man. “Do you speak Yiddish?”

    “Of course.”

    “Please, vat time is it?”

    #1200963
    Poster
    Member

    A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday

    for Shabbat dinner Her daughter watches with interest as the mother

    slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting

    pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.

    The mother pauses for a moment and then says, “You know,

    I’m not sure.

    This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket.

    Let’s call Grandma and ask her.”

    So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice

    the ends off the brisket before roasting.

    The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, “You

    know, I’m not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a

    brisket.”

    Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit

    to the great-grandmother in the nursing home.

    “You know when we make a brisket,” they explain, “we

    always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?”

    “I don’t know why YOU do it,” says the old woman, “but I

    never had a pan that was large enough!”

    #1200964
    potpie
    Member

    A Blonde’s Year in Review

    January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels… Helloooo!!! … bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

    March: Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months… The box said ‘2-4 years!’

    April: Trapped on escalator for hours …. power went out!!!

    May: Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

    June: Tried to go water skiing…….couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

    August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm….. car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September: The capital of California is ‘C’…..isn’t it???

    October: Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

    November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

    December: Couldn’t call 911 . ‘duh’…..there’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!

    #1200969
    ronrsr
    Member

    I named my new dog “Vashti.” Why? He doesn’t come when called, either.

    #1200970
    ronrsr
    Member

    Executive summary of Megillat Esther:

    Jews 1, Haman 0.

    (additional commentary: As Dizzy Dean, entertainingly and oddly loquacious Major League Baseball pitcher in the 1930’s and 40’s remarked, after losing a game 1-0: “It was a lot closer game than the score indicates.”)

    #1200971
    Poster
    Member

    Yechiel was standing over his new son’s crib, staring intently.

    He didn’t know that his wife, Perel, was standing in the doorway watching him. She saw a mixture of emotions cross his face: awe, skepticism, admiration and wonder.

    Finally, he tiptoed out of the room.

    “Incredible, isn’t it?” Perel asked gently.

    “It sure is,” Yechiel replied. “I never saw a crib built so solidly. But I’m still not sure it was worth five hundred dollars.”

    #1200972
    d a
    Member

    20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. (I did this one like three times today!)

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write “for smuggling diamonds”

    7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

    8. Don t use any punctuation

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme

    14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock bottom.

    17. When the money comes out of the atm, scream “i won, i won!”

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

    19. Tell your children over dinner. “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

    20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity……. Send this e-mail to someone to make them smile.

    It’s called therapy.

    #1200973
    d a
    Member

    A man is sitting in a bar and announces, “Who wants to hear a Polish joke?” A large crowd forms around him. Suddenly, the bar tender pushes himself through the crowd, and says to the man, “I am 6’2″ and Polish. The owner of this bar is 6’1″ and is Polish. And the bouncer is 6’5″ and also Polish. Are you sure you want to say that joke?” The man says no and sits down.

    One of his friends turns to him and says, “Why didn’t you say the joke? We would all defend you!” The guy said back, “I didn’t want to have to say the joke three times!!!”

    How do you get a Pollack to laugh on Purim? Tell him a joke on Ta’anis Esther!!!

    #1200974
    d a
    Member

    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …..

    Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

    A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’

    Q: ‘Officer — who provided this description?’

    A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

    Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

    A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

    Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

    A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’

    Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

    A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’

    Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

    A: ‘Yes sir.’

    Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

    A: ‘You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

    #1200975
    d a
    Member

    “Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed the film from my camera.”

    “We’ll just have to wait and see what develops.”

    🙂

    “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a clock.”

    “OK, just relax. There’s no need to get yourself wound up.”

    🙂

    “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.”

    “Sit down and tell me all about it.”

    “I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture.”

    🙂

    “Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory.”

    “When did this happen?”

    “When did what happen?”

    🙂

    “Doctor, doctor! There’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”

    “Well, tell I can’t see him right now.”

    🙂

    Patient: Doctor, doctor, I wake up one day and see Mickey Mouse in front of my eyes and wake up the next day and see Donald Duck in front of my eyes.

    Doc: I see, and how long have you had these Disney spells?

    🙂

    Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?

    Doc: You sure will.

    Patient: That’s great! I never could read before.

    🙂

    Doctor: “It’s no good. I can’t find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking.”

    Patient: “I’ll come back when you’re sober then!”

    🙂

    Larry: I keep seeing little black spots before my eyes.

    Harry: Have you seen a Doctor yet?

    Larry: No, just little black spots.

    🙂

    Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!

    Nurse: What is it?

    Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

    🙂

    Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

    Nurse: No change yet.

    🙂

    Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

    Doctor: A shoebox.

    🙂

    Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?

    Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

    #1200976
    d a
    Member

    Dr. Jones goes to the mentalo institution for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, “Joe, how much is three times three?”

    Joe responds “59.”

    He goes over to Tom and asks, “Tom, how much is three times three?”

    Tom responds, “Wednesday.”

    He finally goes over to John and asks, “John, how much is three times three?”

    “NINE” replies John.

    “That’s right …now how did you come to that answer?”

    “It was easy…I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!”

    #1200978
    d a
    Member

    The following jokes were taken from BoysLife.org, the web site for the boys’ magazine affiliated with the Boy Scouts of America. Jokes were submitted by boys from around the US.

    🙂

    A man comes into a hardware store and says to the salesman, “I would like a trap, and please hurry. I have to catch a bus.”

    The salesman says, “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t make them that big.”

    🙂

    One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.

    “Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.

    “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.

    “What’s a brose?” asked Max.

    “A flower.”

    “What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”

    Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

    Submitted by Charlie H., Homer Glen, Ill

    🙂

    Bob: What do you get when you cross a pair of trousers with a dictionary?

    Tom: I don’t know. What?

    Bob: Smarty pants!

    Submitted by Adam P., Wichita, Kan.

    🙂

    Drew: What do you get when you mix a CD and a pillow?

    Chad: Beats me.

    Drew: Software.

    Submitted by Clark D., Evans, Ga.

    🙂

    Jim: I just got a watch for my sister.

    Joe: I wish I could make a trade like that!

    Submitted by Bryan D., Taylorsville, Utah

    🙂

    Pedro: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?

    Pee Wee: What?

    Pedro: Swimming trunks!

    Submitted by Jake P., Omaha, Neb.

    🙂

    Ben: Where does sour cream come from?

    Ian: Beats me.

    Ben: Discontented cows!

    Submitted by Keith K., Portsmouth, Va.

    🙂

    Cleopatra: What do you call a Roman boa constrictor?

    Mark Antony: “Julius Squeezer!”

    Submitted by Brandon R., Glen Alpine, N.C.

    🙂

    A vacuum cleaner salesman told a farmers wife, “Ma’am, if this doesn’t pick up every speck of dirt in your house, I’ll eat what’s left.”

    The lady handed him a spoon and said, “O.K. We don’t have electricity.”

    🙂

    Jackson: What happens when you cross a duck and a rooster?

    Dylan: I don’t know.

    Jackson: You get woken up at the “quack” of dawn!

    🙂

    A puny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

    “Sorry,” says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. “You’re just too small.”

    “Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”

    “O.K.,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? Let’s see you chop it down.”

    Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss.

    “Where’d you learn to cut trees like that?” he asks.

    “The Sahara Forest.”

    “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

    #1200979
    oomis
    Participant

    Da, you left out the most important line…

    “The Sahara Forest.”

    “Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

    “Sure – NOW !!!!!”

    #1200980
    d a
    Member

    What happened, Purim just ended and NOBODY has any jokes, costumes, stories? As Hashem Is Everywhere said in “another” thread, “CR is dead!”!!! (don’t remind me of last night!)

    #1200981
    d a
    Member

    A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, “will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city.”

    “Well Mr. Mayor,” the man said in a firm voice. “I voted against you in the last election.”

    #1200982
    d a
    Member

    How do you get five donkeys on a fire engine?

    Two in the front, two in the back, and one on the roof going EE-AW-EE-AW.


    How do you start an onion race?

    “Onion marks! Get set! Go!


    How do you catch a squirrel

    You climb up a tree and act like a nut.


    How do crazy people go through the forest?

    They take the psycho path.


    How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

    I’ll tell you later.

    #1200983
    d a
    Member

    A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, “What will you take: 30 days or $30?” The man thought and replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”


    A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, ‘I’m arresting you for going through three red lights.’

    ‘Yeah, well, I’m colour blind,’ said the motorist.

    ‘In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,’ said the policeman. ‘So what?’ said the motorist. ‘And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,’ added the officer. ‘I always did have a lousy sense of direction,’ said the motorist with a smile.

    At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, ‘Don’t pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he’s had a few drinks.’

    #1200984
    d a
    Member

    Motorist: ‘But, officer, I was speeding because I’m late for an appointment with my lawyer.’

    Policeman: ‘Well, now you’ve got something else to tell him.’


    A careful driver is one who has just spotted a speed camera.

    #1200985
    d a
    Member

    The manager started his speech at 10 a.m. sharp and ended at 11 a.m. dull.


    My boss didn’t come into work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I just can’t see myself at work today.”


    Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.


    Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.


    The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.


    Don’t Miss This Opportunity

    Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

    Here’s an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

    TRY it now!

    Follow this simple procedure:

    1. Open a new text or word document

    2. Hold down the shift key.

    3. Hit the 4 key four times.


    Work fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.


    I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


    No man goes before his time. Unless, of course, the boss leaves early.

    #1200986
    d a
    Member

    Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

    #1200987
    smartcookie
    Member

    D a, they’re great! Where do you get them from?

    #1200988
    d a
    Member

    a joke website

    #1200989
    anon for this
    Participant

    The jokes that start, “what do you get when you cross…” reminded me of this math one:

    What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber?

    Nothing, you can’t cross a vector with a scaler (scalar)

    I know a funnier one about a bunch of engineers arguing about which type of engineer they think G-d is, but I think it would get censored.

    #1200990
    squeak
    Participant

    anon, how about this one (should be close enough)

    What’s the difference between an engineer and G-d?

    G-d does not think He is an engineer.

    #1200991
    anon for this
    Participant

    squeak, I’ve heard that joke told about doctors. It’s not the one I’m thinking of though. In the one I’m thinking of, the group of engineers concludes that G-d is a civil engineer. And that’s all I can write about that.

    #1200992
    ronrsr
    Member

    Dear Oomis, I posted two Purim-ish jokes up the page a bit.

    #1200993
    oomis
    Participant

    “Dear Oomis, I posted two Purim-ish jokes up the page a bit. “

    LOL

    #1200994
    smartcookie
    Member

    Anon- that’s like when someone says, “there’s a secrect that I’d love to share, but I can’t say it!”

    If you’re not gonna share it, then why mention it in the first place?!

    #1200995
    simcha man
    Member
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