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    ☕️coffee addict

    I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it

    That joke is sooooo old


    Why does the chosson crack the glass at the wedding?
    Because it is the last time he is putting his foot down.

    Reb Eliezer

    Why does the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
    Why does the Lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.

    Reb Eliezer

    A religious man and a chaver hakneses were walking together. The chaver haknesses was not nice to the religious man so he wanted to tell him off. He told him, three beings complained to Hashem, the alyah revii. alenu and a mamzir. The revii was complaining that people don’t consider it important. Alenu was complaining that people run out and the mamzir was complaining that it is not his fault. Each was repaid. The revii was placed in the shira and alenu in Rosh Hashono and Yom Kippur musaf prayer.
    Asks the chavrei knesses what about the mamzir? Answers the religious man, he was made chaver haknesses.

    Reb Eliezer

    A student wanted a letter of acknowledgement of his learning abilities. The rebbe signed it on the bottom of the page. He said it says, מדבר שקר תרחק.


    Wikipedia has a page called “Category:Positions within the British Royal Household.”
    It’s not a joke, but it might amuse you.


    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that
    G-d doesn’t work that way – so I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me!

    So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon…


    Why can’t you have a dry שלום זכר?
    צריך ביאור.

    Reb Eliezer

    A friend, whose name is Sheye said that it is good that his father did not call him also Getzel because than he would have been called Sheygetzel.


    From an AI’s attempt to generate CNN headlines (real):

    Why the Stock Market is Trying to Get a Lot of Money
    The US China Trade War is so Middle Class
    Bank of the Stock Market is Now Now the Biggest Ever
    The Best Way to Avoid Your Money
    How Much You Need to Know About the New York City
    How to Make a New Tax Law for Your Boss
    The Stock Market Market is the Most Powerful Money
    Goldman Sachs is a New Super Bowl
    Facebook is Buying a Big Big Deal
    Why Apps in the Country
    5 Ways to Trump on Chipotle Industry is the Random Wedding
    Premarket Stocks Surge on Report of Philadelphia Starbucks Starbucks Starbucks

    Companies behaving badly:
    Walmart Grilled With a New Leader in Murder Tech
    Coca-Cola is Scanning Your Messages for Big Chinese Tech
    Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone
    Should I Pay My Workers
    Amazon is Recalling 1 Trillion Jobs

    Star Wars Episode IX Has New Lime Blazer
    Mister Rogers in Washington
    Black Panther Crushes the iPhone XS and XS Max Max
    How to Build a Flying Car Car
    You Make Doom Stocks
    The Fly Species Came Back to Life
    India Gets a Bad Mocktail Non Alcoholic Spirit
    How to Buy a Nightmare

    Not commenting

    One day a man walked in to a bar…


    “Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone” is something that could potentially make sense.


    yankel suggested to berel for keeping mice away, to put a piece of afikoman at the hole where they are coming from, once they eat from the afikoman they are not allowed to eat anymore, so they wont come back.
    berel asked, how do the mice know this halacha?
    yankel answered, the mice ate up in my house a whole SHULCHAN ARUCH


    Courtesy of Dan of DansDeals:
    Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
    A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names.


    If you’ve probably forgotten jokes you read 3 years ago,
    I recommend going back a page (to 40).


    A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
    “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
    The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
    “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”


    Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, “We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?”
    Harry replies, “In about 3 months from now.”


    Leah phones her husband at work, “Issy, do you have time for a chat?”
    “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”
    “But this won’t take long,” Leah says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
    “I really haven’t the time,” says Issy, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
    “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well.”

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