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I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it
That joke is sooooo old
Why does the chosson crack the glass at the wedding?
Because it is the last time he is putting his foot down.Why does the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why does the Lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.A religious man and a chaver hakneses were walking together. The chaver haknesses was not nice to the religious man so he wanted to tell him off. He told him, three beings complained to Hashem, the alyah revii. alenu and a mamzir. The revii was complaining that people don’t consider it important. Alenu was complaining that people run out and the mamzir was complaining that it is not his fault. Each was repaid. The revii was placed in the shira and alenu in Rosh Hashono and Yom Kippur musaf prayer.
Asks the chavrei knesses what about the mamzir? Answers the religious man, he was made chaver haknesses.A student wanted a letter of acknowledgement of his learning abilities. The rebbe signed it on the bottom of the page. He said it says, מדבר שקר תרחק.
Wikipedia has a page called “Category:Positions within the British Royal Household.”
It’s not a joke, but it might amuse you.When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that
G-d doesn’t work that way – so I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me!So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon…
Why can’t you have a dry שלום זכר?
צריך ביאור.A friend, whose name is Sheye said that it is good that his father did not call him also Getzel because than he would have been called Sheygetzel.
From an AI’s attempt to generate CNN headlines (real):
Why the Stock Market is Trying to Get a Lot of Money
The US China Trade War is so Middle Class
Bank of the Stock Market is Now Now the Biggest Ever
The Best Way to Avoid Your Money
How Much You Need to Know About the New York City
How to Make a New Tax Law for Your Boss
The Stock Market Market is the Most Powerful Money
Goldman Sachs is a New Super Bowl
Facebook is Buying a Big Big Deal
Why Apps in the Country
5 Ways to Trump on Chipotle Industry is the Random Wedding
Premarket Stocks Surge on Report of Philadelphia Starbucks Starbucks StarbucksCompanies behaving badly:
Walmart Grilled With a New Leader in Murder Tech
Coca-Cola is Scanning Your Messages for Big Chinese Tech
Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone
Should I Pay My Workers
Amazon is Recalling 1 Trillion JobsSurreal:
Star Wars Episode IX Has New Lime Blazer
Mister Rogers in Washington
Black Panther Crushes the iPhone XS and XS Max Max
How to Build a Flying Car Car
You Make Doom Stocks
The Fly Species Came Back to Life
India Gets a Bad Mocktail Non Alcoholic Spirit
How to Buy a NightmareOne day a man walked in to a bar…
Ouch!“Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone” is something that could potentially make sense.
yankel suggested to berel for keeping mice away, to put a piece of afikoman at the hole where they are coming from, once they eat from the afikoman they are not allowed to eat anymore, so they wont come back.
berel asked, how do the mice know this halacha?
yankel answered, the mice ate up in my house a whole SHULCHAN ARUCHCourtesy of Dan of DansDeals:
Q: What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
A: An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names.If you’ve probably forgotten jokes you read 3 years ago,
I recommend going back a page (to 40).A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, “We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?”
Harry replies, “In about 3 months from now.”Leah phones her husband at work, “Issy, do you have time for a chat?”
“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”
“But this won’t take long,” Leah says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Issy, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well.”One day I decided to go to McDonald’s. There, I saw an old couple sitting at a table with just one hamburger and one drink. I watched from my table and saw that the husband had cut the hamburger in half. He gave one half to his wife and began to eat his half. His wife didn’t eat her hamburger but just sat there and waited. Occasionally, she would take a few sips of the drink, but she never touched the hamburger. I thought to myself, “Oh. They must be poor. That’s why they can only afford one burger.” Out of curiosity, I got up and asked the wife, “Ma’am? Would you like me to buy you another hamburger so that you won’t have to share?” “Oh, no thank you.” She replied with a smile. “My husband and I always share everything.” “Oh. Ok.” I went back and watched them again. The husband kept eating, and the wife still waited there with a few occasional sips. I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Ma’am? Please let me buy you another hamburger. I really don’t mind at all!” She laughed. “It’s alright. My husband and I always share everything.” She said again. “But then why aren’t you eating your half then?” I asked.
She smiled and said, “I’m waiting for the teeth.Well, Bill,” said The Malach, “I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”
Mr. Gates replied, “Well, thanks, Malach. What’s the difference between the two?”
The Malach said, “You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?” “Sure!” said Bill. “Let’s go!”
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were palm trees and deck chairs.The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, “This is great! If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven!”
To which The Malach replied, “Let’s go!” and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
“The Malach, I do believe I would like to go to Hell.”
“As you desire,” said The Malach.
Two weeks later, The Malach decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
“How ya doin’, Bill?” asked The Malach. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
“This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and palm trees?”
“Oh, THAT!” said The Malach.
“That was the screen saver!”A rov and a bus driver came to shomayim, the bus driver was given a seat in Mizrach and the rov somewhere near the back.
The rov was upset so he asked the malach why does the bus driver get mizrach and not me?
When you darshened during daveingn everyone fell asleep. When the other fellow drove his bus everyone started davening….Out of the whole shiur, it was the bochur who everyone thought that he could not get married…
davka he ended up marrying the most times!!berel: When I get mad at you, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?
wife: I clean the toilet.
berel: How does that help?
wife: I use ur toothbrush.
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