Jokes

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  • March 5, 2018 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #1481109

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I was going to post a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it

    That joke is sooooo old

    March 6, 2018 5:19 pm at 5:19 pm #1483077

    Out-of-towner
    Participant

    Why does the chosson crack the glass at the wedding?
    Because it is the last time he is putting his foot down.

    March 6, 2018 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #1483121

    laskern
    Participant

    Why does the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
    Why does the Lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.

    March 6, 2018 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #1483128

    laskern
    Participant

    A religious man and a chaver hakneses were walking together. The chaver haknesses was not nice to the religious man so he wanted to tell him off. He told him, three beings complained to Hashem, the alyah revii. alenu and a mamzir. The revii was complaining that people don’t consider it important. Alenu was complaining that people run out and the mamzir was complaining that it is not his fault. Each was repaid. The revii was placed in the shira and alenu in Rosh Hashono and Yom Kippur musaf prayer.
    Asks the chavrei knesses what about the mamzir? Answers the religious man, he was made chaver haknesses.

    March 7, 2018 9:13 pm at 9:13 pm #1484529

    laskern
    Participant

    A student wanted a letter of acknowledgement of his learning abilities. The rebbe signed it on the bottom of the page. He said it says, מדבר שקר תרחק.

    July 24, 2018 10:36 am at 10:36 am #1563533

    ☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲
    Participant

    Wikipedia has a page called “Category:Positions within the British Royal Household.”
    It’s not a joke, but it might amuse you.

    August 3, 2018 9:43 am at 9:43 am #1568863

    ☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲
    Participant

    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that
    G-d doesn’t work that way – so I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me!

    So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon…

    August 16, 2018 1:45 pm at 1:45 pm #1575154

    MasmidInTraining
    Participant

    Why can’t you have a dry שלום זכר?
    צריך ביאור.

    August 16, 2018 11:33 pm at 11:33 pm #1575877

    laskern
    Participant

    A friend, whose name is Sheye said that it is good that his father did not call him also Getzel because than he would have been called Sheygetzel.

    November 20, 2018 6:56 pm at 6:56 pm #1627795

    ☢️ 🚭 ☣️ Rand0m3x 🧠🕴️🎲
    Participant

    From an AI’s attempt to generate CNN headlines (real):

    Why the Stock Market is Trying to Get a Lot of Money
    The US China Trade War is so Middle Class
    Bank of the Stock Market is Now Now the Biggest Ever
    The Best Way to Avoid Your Money
    How Much You Need to Know About the New York City
    How to Make a New Tax Law for Your Boss
    The Stock Market Market is the Most Powerful Money
    Goldman Sachs is a New Super Bowl
    Facebook is Buying a Big Big Deal
    Why Apps in the Country
    5 Ways to Trump on Chipotle Industry is the Random Wedding
    Premarket Stocks Surge on Report of Philadelphia Starbucks Starbucks Starbucks

    Companies behaving badly:
    Walmart Grilled With a New Leader in Murder Tech
    Coca-Cola is Scanning Your Messages for Big Chinese Tech
    Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone
    Should I Pay My Workers
    Amazon is Recalling 1 Trillion Jobs

    Surreal:
    Star Wars Episode IX Has New Lime Blazer
    Mister Rogers in Washington
    Black Panther Crushes the iPhone XS and XS Max Max
    How to Build a Flying Car Car
    You Make Doom Stocks
    The Fly Species Came Back to Life
    India Gets a Bad Mocktail Non Alcoholic Spirit
    How to Buy a Nightmare

    January 3, 2019 1:06 pm at 1:06 pm #1656828

    Not commenting
    Participant

    One day a man walked in to a bar…
    Ouch!

    January 3, 2019 2:20 pm at 2:20 pm #1656908

    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    “Amazon Wants to Make Money Broadcasting from Your Phone” is something that could potentially make sense.

    January 30, 2019 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #1671145

    knaidlach
    Participant

    yankel suggested to berel for keeping mice away, to put a piece of afikoman at the hole where they are coming from, once they eat from the afikoman they are not allowed to eat anymore, so they wont come back.
    berel asked, how do the mice know this halacha?
    yankel answered, the mice ate up in my house a whole SHULCHAN ARUCH

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